A.N. Just a short fic on my conflicted feels about dismissing my ghoul husband. This is also kind of a rant piece about the flawed companions' system in the game: how the companions like or dislike certain actions. Players start basing their decisions off what the companions would like rather than the choice they would make naturally, and that takes some pleasure out of the experience.

At least Dogmeat loves you no matter what.

Disclaimer: Don't own Fallout 4.

Numb

You know you have to say yes, but you see him out of the corner of your eye and consider saying no, even though you used to not hesitate.

You see his smile, his blind faith in you, and you hate him for a second, hate the person you've become because of him, and then you tell Paladin Danse "yes" and Hancock hates you for a second.

You know it doesn't affect your relationship, but you take drugs afterwards anyways just to make him remember why he likes you (though you've never taken drugs before that moment).

He smiles, and you don't care about the sick rush in your veins and the numbness in your face.

You don't take drugs again.

You fear making decisions. You avoid people you've never met but need to. You don't want to hear his opinions. So you fight raiders and defend the Commonwealth and go home every once in a while.

Hancock sits in a chair, and you hate how tame he looks. How comfortable.

You give him more ammo for his guns and then you both leave again. You only feel your lover's embrace once. He calls you sunshine.

You smile.

You feel like you're being manipulated, like you're not the person you want to be. You thought it'd be okay this time because you agreed with so much of what he stood for, but you're not okay.

You start to feel suffocated. Trapped.

You look over to see Hancock using the gun you gave him. You hear him comment on the condition of the area.

You can't remember what it's like to be alone, to be without him.

You feel like you're drowning.

You sit on your couch and stare at the wall. You try to talk to him, tell him to leave, wish you had the option to remind him you love him, and then you feel like you'll never see him again if you tell him goodbye.

You change your mind, chicken out, and his smile returns. You hate yourself, hate your weakness.

You consider sending him to a settlement you never visit so you don't weep at his feet every time you go home and see that you dismissed him.

You think about how you used to not worry about things like that.

You try to think about all the times he was useless in battle. You try to think about all the times he disagreed with you. You try to make yourself hate him.

You remember the first time you met him and fail.

You wish you could mute the world so you don't have to hear yourself tell him he has to go, has to leave you alone, that you've got to do things on your own for a while.

You can't bear to hear yourself say those words.

You can't bear to hear him say it's okay.

You travel the wastes with your dog and remember what it feels like to be free.