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Bittersweet

by Totally Kawaii

an Inuyasha oneshot

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bit·ter·sweet

–adjective

1.both bitter and sweet to the taste: bittersweet chocolate.

2.both pleasant and painful or regretful: a bittersweet memory.

Taken from dictionary (dot) reference (dot) com

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Summary: (OneShot) A miko contemplates the past before her fleeing to the world where she belongs. (slight AU, but not much)

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Dedicated to: Fluffy-chan (AmhFluffy, and a hilarious source of disclaimers),The Kikyo Hater (now The Fluffy Muffin Queen - kisses and 'mwahs' for being such an inspiration), NuttPea (thanks for being such a great friend and great beta!), and my cousin -Iaabi'SabeL!!!

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Yes, awfully cliché and overdone, but I had no choice! The plot bunnies were hovering over me and threatening to delete everything on my laptop.

T.T

… yes, I am sad and pitiful.

I also tried changing my writing style. Not permanent (I don't think I can stand writing like this for too long), but just for this fic.

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He was with her again.

But, then again, how could he? Resist being with her, I mean. I was only the mirror image. Not even close to being as good as the real thing. She was better than me. In every way that mattered.

She was more powerful than me - the better miko - never mind how hard I worked to achieve skills that would be of no use to me when I leave this place. She was his first. How can I compete with that? I can never surpass that. Her claims are far too strong. He would go to her eventually. It was only a matter of time.

Everyone saw that… except for me.

At first he was torn, as he should be. It was only a matter of time before he saw my need, I had thought. Foolishly, I see now.

Day after day, there grew to be no question. She would be his choice… after all we had been through – with the Shikon jewel and Naraku. It didn't matter how much I needed him to be with me. How strong our bond was.

I wasn't much better than a common, annoying pest, I admit, lingering when I wasn't wanted. I thought that if I prayed enough, showed him how much I needed him enough, then, perhaps, just maybe, he might see me as me. Not as the look-alike. I knew I was fighting a losing battle.

I knew it from the moment I saw him with her in front of my very eyes. It didn't register at first. ... It couldn't. I wouldn't let it. But it was maybe the third… or was it fourth? … time they were together. In front of me. Like in their very own world.

Without me.

It hurts, I admit. Like a dull knife twisted in my chest, ever turning. It tugged at my heartstrings and numbed my mind. There was nothing but pain. Was this heartbreak? I'd take Naraku any day.

It's a difficult choice – to choose between us. We look similar I guess… is that why Inuyasha had such a hard time… has such a hard time choosing me? Because he's betraying the other? The one he's obligated to?

He has no obligation with me, of course. I freed him a long time ago. He knows it, yet he's torn. Does he still have feelings for me? Or does he not know he's free?

Ah, freedom… the only time I've experienced such bliss is now, in this time. Before, my life was paved out before me, by my mother and grandfather. But when the little baby came, I was expected to be the strong one. When my father died, that duty came to me as well.

I could not weep. Maybe now I can. Not be so strong. I guess one of the reason I love him so much is because he is my rock. The one whom I depend on.

To lean on.

To love.

To cherish.

To need.

Too bad he didn't need me.

I don't blame him. I understand why he is going to choose her. His obligation needed to be fulfilled, or else he would never feel at right with himself. I'll be all right. I suppose I can live my pitiful time after the whole adventure with Naraku and the Shikon shards without him.

Maybe.

Possibly.

I'll be able to struggle through every day, every hour, every minute… just knowing that he is withher. He is with her, therefore he is happy. At least I hope he would be.

I never belonged here anyway. The whole thing was a fluke – a mistake. Without me, she might not have been here, I admit, so maybe my suffering was justified in his happiness. Kami-sama knows he deserves it.

I hope he's happy with her. They're meant to be together. Perhaps I will find my special someone somewhere, somehow, sometime much later. When my heart doesn't hurt so much. When I stop crying myself to sleep at night. If not in this world, then the next. I'm sure that in this time, there is no one for me but him.

Choices.

Even in my mouth, it's a bittersweet word. It's really almost laughable. I had no choices in my previous life. What makes me say I have any now?

But I do… I choose to let him go now.

I choose to die, for you. And for her, who is like what I would want to have been, free of prejudice and hate. Untainted by hateful words of those around me.

Live long and well with Kagome, Inuyasha. Love her as though you are to die tomorrow. Cherish her because she is a jewel among all people for all time. Let your love be like the misty rains, coming softly, but flooding the river.

I shall be watching, as I always do, although no one notices me.

Kikyo, once the powerful miko who guarded the Shikon jewel, fades into the woodwork once again. The miko whose hatred once knew no bounds. The same miko who sought after the life of the "friend" who remained loyal to her. The supposedly most powerful and pure soul, tricked by a greedy soul… or not even a soul, as he gave even his last shred of humanity up.

And then there was the hanyou, who was freed after fifty years by her reincarnation, and who lived happily ever after with his one and only mate.

How bittersweet.

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In the bathtub:

-ignores lawyers surrounding bathtub (is wearing bathing suit for some reason) and continues to play with rubber ducky-
Bloop...bloop...bloop...
Me: Mister Ducky, do you know what I would do if any lawyers were to falsly accuse me of stealing other people's ideas?
Mister Ducky: ...
Me: Yeah, I would kick them reeeallly hard in an uncomfortable place where the sun doesn't shine, then tie them up and feed them to my piranhas.
Mister Ducky: ...
Me: Did you know that, if you don't feed them for days, they start to eat everything in sight? It's really quite fascinating. I even video-taped a feeding session last week.
-proceeds to watch violent blood-filled film of vicious fish biting heads off rabbits-
Me: Ooo, wouldn't that be painful, Mister Ducky?
-sits obliviously as lawyers retreat-
Bloop...bloop...bloop...

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Cliché, etc., etc., don't sue me if this seems an awfully lot like your particular fiction. Most of these similarities between Kagome and Kikyo are terribly overused, although I hope my writing was unique enough. I just had to get this out of my system!

For confusion that apparently most everyone in this story has, by "first", I mean that "Kagome" was Inuyasha's first true love, and mate.

Reviews, constructive criticism, and general confuzzledness are appreciated, but not flames.

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