Lucius has a Terrifying Ordeal, Draco's socks nearly kill a house elf and Narcissa just wants her beauty sleep. A normal day chez Malfoy then…
Narcissa's POV.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters.
A/N: Characters may be accused of being OOC but seeing as though we don't know all that much about Narcissa anyway and this is, after all, a parody, I think I'm allowed a little artistic license.
Please read, hopefully enjoy and review! (Please don't flame.)
Revenge Is So Sweet
Before I begin my story, a little history. Every member of this household (including the house elves and the bats in the attic) knows not to wake me up before eight o' clock, on pain of several nasty curses. The last time Draco was stupid enough to try practising yelling along to the Weird Sisters at half past six, he lost the use of his thumbs for a week. It was only my motherly affection for him that prevented the loss of anything more major.
As you can see, I am very protective of my sleep.
On an ordinary day I am woken at eight o' clock by a cup of tea. After drinking the tea, the first thing I do is go back to sleep, taking full advantage of the fact I usually have the bed to myself at this point. Even if I am not alone, I do it anyway, kicking Lucius out. Well it's eight o' clock! High time he should be getting up, the lazy sod.
This morning however, this leisurely routine was not to be.
I was rudely awoken by a scream at fourteen minutes past seven. My first instinct was to shove my head under the covers to block out the sound. My second instinct was to jump out of bed, grab my wand and set off to hunt down the source of the scream and curse their thumbs into next Tuesday.
I tiptoed out onto the landing and looked around. There was no evidence of anybody there. I made my way down a floor to Draco's room. If that boy had been messing around with dangerous potions again, he'd be losing more than a couple of digits.
Draco's room was not a pretty sight. I couldn't exactly tell where the floor ended and the mess began. I had to stop the house elves tidying it a couple of months ago, as the last one to venture in there had to be carried out on a stretcher.
"Draco," I said in my best 'I am your mother and I am NOT happy' voice. There was movement from what I presumed to be the bed, and eventually, Draco's head appeared.
"What?"
"Have you been screaming at about fifty decibels?"
"No."
"Are you quite sure?"
"Yes."
"So who was screaming then?"
"I dunno. Maybe the coffee maker got knocked over onto a house elf."
I wasn't exactly satisfied with this explanation, but I left it lie. For a start, Draco's room was beginning to get to me. I must remember to tell him to put his socks in the laundry, or the fumes will overcome the whole house. Moreover, we do not own a coffee maker, so I was a little worried that the smell of stale cheese had a hallucinogenic effect.
I went back upstairs as I was getting nowhere in my investigation and I was missing out on beauty sleep. At the top of the stairs, I collided with Lucius. This wasn't a very good thing, as he was dripping wet. That's another negligee gone for a burden. How many times do I have to stress the importance of DRY cleaning before someone round here gets it into their skull how easily silk stains? My mother always recommended her 'secret recipe' stain remover, but the last time I tried it, it eroded the kitchen sink and half the worktops. I was not very popular after that, and the jumper I had been trying to clean was completely destroyed.
I was, by this time, exceedingly annoyed, what with the early morning wake up call and the sodden lingerie. I was about to do something unspeakably rotten to my husband involving my foot making contact with his groin when I noticed his face was about three shades paler than his hair, no mean feat in anyone's book.
"What on Earth is the matter?" I asked.
At first, he said nothing, which led me to believe that a troll had taken up residence in the bathroom, or something akin in awfulness to that.
"I'VE RUN OUT OF CONDITIONER!" he finally yelled.
I banged my head against the balustrade in anguish. If this was what the screaming had been about…
"Lucius," I said through gritted teeth. "Running out of conditioner is not the be all and end all. If you are that worried about the state of your locks, you can borrow some of mine."
I stormed back into the bedroom, vowing to get my revenge on Lucius at a much more civilised time of morning. He owed me a new negligee for a start. That's the third one he's ruined. I was thinking of the most painful and indeed entertaining way to get my own back when voices on the landing gave me a brilliant idea. I opened the door a crack to see Lucius instructing a house elf as to exactly the sort of conditioner he wanted. I smiled to myself and whispered
"Accio bath towel."The house elf gave a startled squeak and fainted. I locked the door just as –
"NARCISSA!" came a roar from the landing, fear at having run out of conditioner giving way to sheer rage at having been humiliated in front of a house elf. There was the thud of someone slamming against the door with their entire bodyweight and then a muttered "ouch".
I ignored him and climbed back into bed. Revenge is so sweet.