AN: Wrote this at like 1 A.M. and finished around 3:30 A.M... Fastest story I've ever written! ^-^ It had been running around in my head for like two days and I finally gave in and sat down to write, dreading another fic that may never be finished, but alas! I have finished it. I do so love one-shot's ^-^ Anyway, please R&R!
Warnings: Angst, death-fic, passing reference to adult themes, but I don't think it's enough to raise the rating so...
Disclaimer: Gravitation characters do not belong to me... once upon a time they did, but I sold them for Pocky... ^-^
Posted: June 14, 2003
Yuki looked at his computer as though it had suddenly turned from a best friend to his worst enemy. He didn't want to write out the thoughts that were spinning in his head, because that would mean admitting his feelings to himself. He would be shedding light on things he would rather leave in the darkness, but he knew he wouldn't sleep that night if he didn't give order to his raging thoughts.
Opening a new word document with a sigh, he began typing.
I hate you...
I hate you for lying, for your manipulation, for your deceptively deceiving eyes, your soft features, your gentle touches, but most of all for making me believe. I had just fully admitted to myself that I couldn't live without you, that you were a permanent part of my life, and then you leave. Not a word or a sign, not any indication that the supposedly forgotten call of "I'll be back!" was actually a message.
I suppose I'm to blame; I never could play with fire without getting burned. I would drag my finger across the top of the flame to blacken the skin of it with ash, always pushing further until it eventually caused me pain... The only difference is I wasn't hurting the flame like I did you.
I abused you.
I dealt out verbal abuse whenever I spoke, mental abuse whenever I didn't. I'm sure there was physical abuse, too, maybe even bordering on rape. No, you never complained about it and yes, you always wanted it, but I wasn't ever exactly gentle... I kicked you out or ran away more times than I can count and still you didn't get the message.
A part of me was grateful, another part angry, and another was utterly bewildered that someone like you could be either that stubborn or that naïve. I still can't believe you lasted as long as you did. With my pushing you away and my family pulling you, I would have figured you wouldn't last past the first few weeks. But you persevered, making it known once and for all that you were here to stay for good.
And I believed you. Finally I believed you, enough to admit my love to you, enough to place my trust in you.
And then you left. You walked out the door, a deceivingly genuine smile on your face, never to return... It all happened so suddenly, the phone call, the rush to the emergency room, you lying on that pristine white bed and staining it with your lifeblood... My head is still reeling from the shock.
You had looked up at me, your eyes pained and your breath ragged, only to mumble a "Sorry," and a "Goodbye," before you exhaled your last breath with a smile on your face...
I didn't cry. I had told myself that whenever you finally left, I would not shed a single tear. Instead I cursed you and your foolish ideas of "together forever." They were childish dreams, but you seemed so happy when spouting off that nonsense that I didn't shoot it down... because deep inside I wanted to believe in it, too.
What a fool I was, after all I've been through, to try and trust in humanity again. There really isn't any bigger slap in the face than my past, and I guess I still didn't learn my lesson. I thought I had, but you, with your manipulative tricks and gentle probing, tore down the walls I had built around myself. I fought you tooth and nail every step of the way, but you didn't give up, licking away your wounds like the cat you so seemed to love to portray.
You really did resemble a cat... Once given a taste of what I had to offer you kept coming back for more, but it wasn't selfishly. You said you honestly wanted to help me, I said that it wasn't possible. But you proved you didn't want anything other than a little attention, a little affection.
I had no battle techniques for that kind of attack; selfish girls who only wanted a moment of my time I could deal with, even accepted. But you... you didn't play by the rules, and I had no way to retaliate except for the abuse.
I didn't want you there, but you said you were going to take care of me, protect me, and you wouldn't leave, not until you had what you wanted. And when you got it, you took it and left, going to a place I couldn't follow you to.
And so I'm stuck here, once again alone and locked within myself, closed off from humanity... And I hate it. Thanks to you, the silence haunts me, noise annoys me, and I find myself staring off into space more often than not, a habit I must have picked up from you...
So I'm writing this, hoping that it will put things where they should be, that it will let me get back to my life as I knew it, even if I would rather have it like when you were here... This is my goodbye, my last confession.
I love you, and thank you. You became my protection, from the world and from myself.
Rest in peace.
Yuki sat back, glaring at his laptop with an "Are you happy now?" look. He sighed quietly and leaned back in his chair to look at the ceiling, rubbing his forehead lightly. He glanced over when the door to his study opened and a slim form stepped in, shuffling over to him as if they were half asleep.
"Yuki, what are you doing up?" the boy mumbled, climbing up to sit in the author's lap and rest his head on his shoulder with a yawn.
"Just writing," the blonde replied, absently running a hand down the boy's back.
The smaller form shivered slightly at the goose bumps that formed on his skin from the light contact as he glanced at the clock. "But it's-" he started, interrupted by a yawn, "almost three..."
"So go back to bed, brat."
"But, Yu~ki~," he whined, "I woke up because you weren't there." He turned to look up at the author with pleading violet eyes.
Yuki sighed, running a hand through the boy's pink locks. "I'll be in there in a minute, Shuichi," he replied. The singer beamed up at him, leaning forward to brush a kiss over his cheek before going back to the bedroom. Yuki watched him go with a faint smile on his lips. Turning back to his computer, he hesitated before deleting the file he had created.
He had written it because he had woken earlier from a barely remembered dream where Shuichi had finally had enough and left him, his creative writing habits taking the idea and running with it, which was one of the reasons he hadn't wanted to write it out in the first place. He hadn't wanted to admit to himself that if the boy left, he would be affected by the loss. He still didn't.
He sighed and saved the file; maybe he could use it for one of his novels.
"Yu~ki~!" He glanced over to where Shuichi had stuck his head back in. "Hurry up," he added with a small pout.
"Aa," he replied, flipping off the laptop and standing up to follow the shorter boy, his protection from the world and himself, his life, his love, his haven from the ghosts of his past, and his awning from the storms in his heart.
Owari
Yeah, I didn't write 'death-fic' in the warnings, because that would have spoiled the ending, sorry ^-^ And I hope I didn't lose readers because of it... *sighs* Oh well, thanks for reading! Now review! Onegai shimasu?