The Finishing Touch
When Hoss's uncouth behavior destroys his brothers' double date, Adam and Joe decide to stage an intervention…with unexpected results.
"So all this land really belongs to your family?" Brenda asked breathlessly, turning all the way around to gaze at her surroundings in awe.
"Yes—it took a lot of time and hard work to build this ranch, and just as much to maintain it." Adam couldn't keep a trace of pride from his voice as he helped his date out of the wagon, obviously pleased by her admiration.
"Wow," Susan chimed in, a grin lighting up her face as she jumped down. Joe quickly followed suit and touched her dimple affectionately, then offered her an elbow to lead her into the house.
"What beautiful land, and what a beautiful house this will be," Brenda said, clapping her hands excitedly. Adam had to take quick steps to get to the door in time to open it for her.
"It's not much," Joe interjected while hoping the girls would disagree. Brenda and Susan blinked as the lanterns were lit, then squealed their approval at the size and layout of the house.
"How did you decorate it so cutely without a woman's influence?" Susan asked, lightly drawing her hand down a decoration in the living room.
"Hey, some men have a sense of taste as well," Joe teased, catching her hand at the other side and guiding her gently to the couch. He immediately put his arm around her on the couch and, seeing that she tolerated it well, moved his arm forward to rest it lightly on her shoulders.
"What in Sam Hill—" The four young people started up in surprise as they heard a deep, booming voice from the top of the steps. Adam and Joe shot each other looks of annoyance and trepidation as they saw Hoss clunking awkwardly down the stairs, clad only in his long johns.
"Oh, brothers, you had another night out," Hoss said amicably, reaching the bottom of the stairs and extending his hand out to the ladies. Brenda took it cautiously, trying to avert her eyes, and then instantly recoiled.
"Did I startle you, miss?" Hoss asked in alarm, and then realized what had happened. "Forgive me, madam, I sweat a little bit when I sleep. Who's up for some pie? I think I'll waste away to nothing if I don't eat anything til morning, and I know Hop Sing's got some just in the kitchen." Hoss flashed the crowd a lopsided grin before rushing to the kitchen, bouncing rolls of flesh straining the buttons of his pajamas.
"I'm so sorry to disturb your servants at this hour, maybe we should come back in the morning," Susan said in a low voice.
Adam closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "He's not a servant, he's our….our brother Hoss. Hoss," he called, "you didn't wait for an introduction, these girls are named Brenda and Susan"—
"Pleasure's all mine," Hoss said eagerly as he hopped back into the room, obviously distracted by his pies. A telltale blue stain draped the corners of his mouth, down his chin, and down the front of his long johns, betraying his need to sample a pie before he brought it to the group. "Now, who wants what kind? I have cherry, apple, blueberry—ma'am, the cherry would perfectly match that beautiful red dress you've got on, just stay on that couch and I'll bring it to you—"
"Hoss!" Joe interjected frantically, too late to do anything but watch helplessly as Hoss tripped over a fold in the carpet, the pie landing squarely on Brenda's lap.
Brenda cried out and stood up, more embarrassed than anything else, and Hoss looked uncertainly at the mess he'd made. The pie slipped off her and onto the floor. "No harm done, miss, there's a pitcher of water here," he said, grabbing it and rolling onto his knees in front of Brenda. He poured some water down her skirt and attempted to rub out the stain.
"Hoss!" Adam squeaked in disbelief as his date instinctively stepped back, her skirt ripping. Brenda frantically ran to the table and yanked the tablecloth off to hide the rip, her eyes wide with shock. Adam took a step toward her to comfort her, and she shook her head frantically to keep him back.
Adam whirled toward Hoss. "Hoss, just take a deep breath please, stand up, and go back upstairs."
"Alright, alright," Hoss said grudgingly, hoisting himself onto first one foot, then the other, then putting his hands on his knees to straighten up—and felt a bolt of pain ricochet up his spine, cementing him to the spot.
"Dadburnit!" Hoss yelled, panic starting to creep into his voice. "Adam, it happened again, I wrenched my back! You're the only one who can help me, you've got to do that thing again!"
Adam and Joe shared a helpless look of horror, which augmented considerably when Hoss's long underwear, already strained past endurance, burst its back button. The square of material on Hoss's backside gently drifted toward the floor, hanging there with Hoss bent completely over at the waist.
The girls gasped and turned around, Adam rushing behind Hoss to further cover the view. "Get the girls out of here, get them out!" he hissed at Joe.
"Adam, it hurts!" Hoss wailed.
"Okay, I'm here!" Adam grimaced but forced himself to bend over and hug his brother from behind, his arms circling tightly. "I'm lifting you in one…two…three—"
Hoss's back crackled in protest as Hoss stood up abruptly and waited, cringing, for any aftereffects…then smiling, relaxing as he realized his back forgave him for recent events. "Thanks, Adam, that time I thought I'd really—"
Unfortunately, all of Hoss's muscles had relaxed as well, and gas had to be released that had been trapped inside him when he bent over. Although Joe had gotten the girls out of the house, they were still well within hearing distance.
Adam groaned in despondency and backed away from his brother, plopped into a chair and facepalmed.
"Sorry about that, brother," Hoss said, scratching his head. He remembered the pies and his eyes lit up. "It's okay, Adam, I'll take a pie upstairs and you two can finish your date."
"Yeah, Hoss, let's continue our date. My brother just came downstairs in his underwear, runs to get pie, comes out with it dribbling down his mouth, spills it on my date, rips her dress trying to clean it, bends over with his trapdoor open, fouls the air, and you ask…continue my date? Why wouldn't the girls want to see what comes next, after such pleasant events as these?"
But Hoss was already halfway up the stairs, eating as he walked. He stopped, frowning. "Is there a draft in here?"
BZBZBZBZBZBZBZBZ
"You're sure these people are coming?" Adam stressed for the third time that hour, pacing back and forth with his hands in his pockets.
"I don't think I hallucinated the conversation, Adam," Joe responded sarcastically. "Yes, they're coming any minute now, and they said they'd wait as long as we needed them too. I explained Hoss's behavior and they kept saying no, it's against our policies to have someone like him here, but money talks so they agreed in the end."
Adam sighed. "Then we've put this off long enough. Let's go see him."
The two headed cautiously upstairs and knocked on Hoss's door. "Come in," a groggy voice answered.
Adam and Joe stood on either side of the bed. "Wake up, Hoss," Adam said gently. "Joe and I have made a decision."
Hoss groaned and squinted up at them. "Can it wait a couple of hours? Are we late for church or something? This is the only day of the week we can sleep in."
Adam ignored the comment. "No, it can't wait. Joe and I want to talk about your behavior around the ladies the other night."
"You're still sore about that?" Hoss yawned and stretched. "I was hungry, excited, that's all. I'll hide the next time you two have women over."
"But we don't want it to be like that, Hoss," Adam stressed. "There's no reason you should have to hide in your own house, no reason why you shouldn't be on dates just like me and Joe. Joe and I worked out…a way to help you."
Hoss sat bolt upright, eyeing his brothers suspiciously. "Help me? Would you like to first ask me if I'm happy just as I am?"
"We know you're not," Joe shot back. "You're friendly, laid-back, yes, and you have a good life, but your life could be even bigger, better than what it is now."
"Pa is going to be back from visiting his sister in two months," Adam hurried on. "So for the next six weeks, Joe and I are sending you to…to…" The words stuck in his throat, suddenly dry.
"Where?" Hoss challenged.
Joe looked at the floor. "A place to, you know…help with manners, social skills…a classroom to help men become men—"
"A finishing school," Adam finished.
There was complete silence for a full ten seconds.
Then Hoss Cartwright leaped out of bed, his eyes flashing. "Finishing school?! Over your dead bodies! I ain't started nothing, how can I finish it? Pa told me I should be happy just the way I am—"
A loud knock was heard at the front door.
Hoss gripped his own head in fury. "Seriously, is that them?"
"We thought we shouldn't prolong the suspense, just kind of get it over with right away," Joe said with forced cheer.
"Yeah? So in your delusional world I'm not even allowed to get packed?"
"Well, you won't be needing your things anyway, Hoss," Adam explained. "You'll be getting new toiletries…books…" he coughed. "Suits…"
Hoss thought for a minute, then shrugged. "I guess you leave it on me to explain to these people that my brothers are trying to live my life for me. I'll do you this courtesy, and send them away myself."
Adam put a hand on his brother's shoulder, stopping him. "Well…here's the thing…Joe and I have made a list of very persuasive arguments about why you should go." Adam took his time pulling the piece of paper from his pocket, smoothing it dramatically, and clearing his throat.
"Number One: The Incident of the Prize Pumpkin."
Hoss gaped in shock. "No."
"Oh, yes. We backed you up, telling Pa that wild animals gored the prize pumpkin he'd spent all year beefing up, but we three were all there when you forgot to secure it in the wagon and it rolled down the aisle, splat into the road…never to make it to the county fair after all, much less win that blue ribbon." Adam handed the list to Joe.
Joe squinted at it. "Ah, yes, big brother. Adam and I were remembering the time when Pa was sure that he'd met Wife Number Four, bringing her around for a fancy proposal dinner. Little did he know that you'd eaten every last scrap of it, and created quite an elaborate string of lies to cover it up—"
"Enough of that story," Hoss said.
"Then one last story," Adam concluded. "I remember a time not so long ago when we were all down at the creek, and one of us got bitten by a snake in a most unfortunate spot used for sitting—"
"Stop."
"And Hop Sing had to suck out all the venom," Joe concluded.
"But we don't want to bring up these incidents any more than you do, Hoss," Adam said with what he hoped was a winning smile. "We want to build you up in the community, not tear you down. So how about taking just six weeks of your life to become a gentleman? You don't have to be a gentleman all the time, you'll just have that option whenever you need to communicate with the outside world."
"Fine," Hoss growled.
"I'm glad you see that—"
"I'm not saying it again," Hoss said firmly. "But your agreement is this: no word to anyone about my attending this school, no matter what, ever."
"Agreed," Adam and Joe said in unison. "We don't really want that all over town either," Joe added.
With that, Hoss walked out of the room, downstairs, and into the wagon. Ten seconds later it took off at a trot.
Adam and Joe stood at the window, still too stunned to move. "Well, I guess that went well," Adam said slowly.
"I guess so," Joe agreed.
Adam frowned, looking at the floor. "What's that paper?"
Joe followed his gaze. "Oh, that. That's the list of persuasive arguments we just explained to him. I wrote it on the back of the advertisement to Cristine's."
Adam frowned. "Cristine's?"
Joe rolled his eyes. "The finishing school we just sent him to?"
"That's the one you picked? Cristine's?" Frantic now, Adam crouched to the floor and snatched the paper. Rising, he scanned it quickly, he heart skipping a beat when he found what he was looking for. "'Cristine's—send your daughter to Cristine's all-girls finishing school!' Joe, we sent him to a girls' school!"
Joe's jaw dropped. "What? I—I mean, you gave me like ten options! I don't know anything about those schools, I never knew—"
"Forget about whose fault it is, what are we going to do?" Adam sank onto Hoss's bed. "We have to get him back, start all over."
"It's nonrefundable," Joe reminded him. "If we take any more money out of the spare box, Pa is sure to notice before we can earn enough to put it back. Money talks all right…it's either this school or nothing."
The brothers stared at each other, contemplating. Finally Adam sighed, brushing a hand across his eyes.
"We'll send him a telegram that he can come home if he wants to," Adam said. "It'll be up to him. Maybe he'll get something out of it, and maybe he won't."