Chapter 1 - Nighttime
John Paul rolled over and yawned. He glanced at his digital clock and saw it was 4:35. He'd been unable to sleep a wink all night and he still could not fall asleep. There were way too many thoughts flying around his head, meaning his mind wouldn't switch off, even if his body was asleep. In the past few months everything had changed and he wasn't sure if it was for the better. Ever since he'd come out, a large percentage of the boys at school had made it their mission to torment him. It hurt even more that his best mate had turned on him too. He sighed and looked at the picture of him and Craig that was on his bedside table. It seemed so long ago now, when everything was uncomplicated and easy. Had it been better then? Had it been better when he was lying to everyone, even himself? He was unsure of how much longer he could put up with being called 'queer' every time he played football. He knew the guys were just small-minded and he'd have been able to stand it if he had just one person to stick up for him. Yet he had no one. It was him against a whole hoard of raging homophobes. At least before, before this had all come out, he had been able to blend in and live a life. Right now though, right now he had never felt more ostracised. If he could just have someone, someone he could talk too. I mean there was his family, but none of them could really understand. He knew his mum was disappointed with who he was and he couldn't deny it hurt. Most of the time she seemed okay with it, but there would be the odd moment, that he could see in her eyes how much it hurt her and much she wanted him to be normal. The only person he felt like he could talk to was Jacqui, but she had enough to deal with at the moment. So instead he had to face it all alone and that was exactly why he was lying in bed awake at nearly five in the morning.
Jess woke with a start when her phone beeped. She rubbed her eyes and reached out clumsily. Her hand finally grabbed hold of the silver phone, only after knocking over her alarm clock and a glass of water. Jess groaned and opened the phone. The screen lit up the room, displaying the message '1 new message.' She opened up the message and attempted to read it:
Hi babe
last nite was fun
Lets do it again soon
U free 2moro?
Matt
Jess shut the phone with a snap and threw it to the floor. Matt had been some guy who had approached her last week and asked her out. Kris happened to be present, so to spite him she had said yes. Of course, he had taken no notice and just turned back to Nathan. The date had been a disaster anyway. Matt had taken her to some crummy restaurant that normally Jess wouldn't be seen dead in, and spent the whole time staring down her top. She groaned at the memory, nope she may be desperate, but there was no way she was that desperate. She turned to look at her alarm clock and remembered she had knocked it to the floor. Reaching down, she picked up and glanced at it. 4:35, way too early to be up, a girl needs her beauty sleep. The clock fell to the floor as Jess turned over to go back to sleep. However as she closed her eyes, she heard giggles coming from somewhere. She then heard a voice muttering and realised it was Kris and Nathan. That was all she needed, the two lover boys. Burying her head under the pillow, Jess closed her eyes and tried to hold back the tears. She couldn't deny it, she really missed him. She may not have been able to stand him originally, but now, now she was really falling for him and there was nothing she could do. Last time they slept together, he had asked her if it was anything serious and she had said no. Lying had got her that far and she had figured it would be best to keep up the pretence. Maybe, maybe if she had told him right then how she felt, she wouldn't be lying here now listening to him and loverboy. Nope, Jessica Harris had messed up big time. She had lost the guy she really cared about and there was no one to blame but herself. As she lay under the pillow, she let the tears fall.
Louise attempted to turn over in bed, but felt herself being prevented from doing so by Calvin's arm. She slowly removed his arm from her and heard him snore and roll over. She climbed out of the bed they shared and felt around the floor for her dressing gown. Pulling it on, she glanced at the clock and saw it was 4:35 in the morning. Why couldn't she sleep? She normally slept quite well, but now, now something was bugging her and she knew what it was. Walking over to her window, she brushed her hair out of her eyes and yawned. She pulled the curtain back ever so slightly and let a beam of light enter the room. She gazed down across Hollyoaks. It was so peaceful with everyone fast asleep. It felt like she was the only one awake. She let her gaze drift in the direction of Evissa. One thought entered her mind, Warren. For some reason, she couldn't get him out of her head. Ever since they slept together, she had been thinking about him and it worried her. There were even times when she would wake up and realise she had been dreaming about him. Why? She was happy with Calvin, more than happy. He was everything she wanted, security, comfort, safety. She could hear the little niggling voice at the back of her head though, 'Shouldn't you want more from a relationship than that?' and however much she tried to ignore it, part of her knew it was right. Warren and Calvin were complete opposites of each and Louise was worried about the way she was heading. Warren offered her the life that Calvin couldn't and even though she had told Calvin didn't want it, maybe part of her did. She jumped as an arm wrapped around her and Calvin kissed her neck.
"You're up early," he muttered
"Couldn't sleep"
"Well let's see what we can do about that," he smiled. The two of them fell back onto the bed and Louise shook Warren from her thoughts.
Tony awoke to the sound of his alarm clock. He reached out and turned it off, before looking at the time. 4:35 am it read. He groaned realising he must have set it wrong. He rolled over and stared at the ceiling. Daylight was beginning to seep into the room, signalling the day was soon to begin. As he stared at the ceiling, he realised how alone he felt. He could hear his brother Dom snoring away in the next room, yet he felt so estranged from everyone. In just over a year his whole life had changed. Last year he had had a baby girl and was married to Mandy and had been on planning on branching Il Gnosh out. He remembered the conversation him and Mandy had had about the house in the country with a pool and about Grace attending St Camilla's. Now Grace was dead, Mandy and him were divorced, she was pregnant and off getting married to someone else and here he was here alone. What hurt even more was the fact that the person he wanted to be with, was off and married to someone else. A year ago, Tony never would have even considered dating someone like Jacqui McQueen, yet here he was missing her like hell. He laughed at the fact he had even gone as far as to crash her wedding. Not that it made a difference. She was still off living a lie, pretending she was happily married. Rolling over again, he sighed. He missed her, and he hoped that part of her missed him too, even though she'd never admit it. However he knew there was nothing he could do. They'd had the discussion, she was tied to Alexsander for the next two years, and he just had to move on, even if it was hard. He'd done it with Mandy and he could do it again. He closed his eyes and attempted to fall asleep, ignoring the rising sun.
John Paul slowly went downstairs, attempting not to wake any other members of the McQueen household. It was pointless lying awake in bed getting all depressed. Instead he'd figured it would be better to go and sit in the kitchen and drink some coffee. He knew he would probably get depressed again, but at least he wouldn't be getting depressed staring at a picture of him and Craig. He entered the kitchen, not bothering to turn on a light. He opened the cupboard where they kept the instant coffee, when he heard a voice.
"You're up early."
"Shit Jac, don't do that!" he said turning around and dropping the coffee jar. Kneeling down, he picked it up and put it back in the cupboard, before sitting on one of the stools opposite Jacqui. "You're up early too." All she did was mutter a reply that he couldn't here. "What?"
"Couldn't sleep."
"Oh, neither could I." The two of them sat in silence for a while, Jacqui just holding a cup of coffee. Finally she broke the silence asking him;
"Want some?"
"Sure." She poured him a cup and handed it to him. Once again, silence filled the kitchen. It wasn't normal for Jacqui to be this quiet and John Paul looked up at her. He noticed that her eyes were red, she'd been crying. Jacqui never cried.
"You alright?"
"I don't really want to talk about it. What about you? You look like crap."
"Thanks for that. Just got a lot on my mind at the minute."
"I know how you feel," she sighed, "you can't let those guys at school get to you, you know."
"Well you try being called queer everyday. It's hard not to let it get to you."
"I know it's got to be tough, but you've got to rise above it. Being gay, it's just part of you, part of who you are. You've accepted it and you've just got to realise it will take a bit longer for others to accept it. Some of them never well."
"I just wish they would hurry up and accept it."
"Give it time babe. This time next year, you'll look back on this and wonder what you were worrying about."
"I know, but still. I miss my mates. They all just ignore me now and it hurts."
"Hey, hey." She went and stood behind him and hugged him. "I'm not very good at all this soppy stuff, it's more Carmel's area, but I don't want to see my little brother getting hurt."
"Thanks Jac." She went back and sat on her stool. She took a sip of coffee and told him,
"Next time those boys give you some hassle, tell me and I'll sort 'em out for you." They both smiled.
"What about you?" he asked her. She looked up and put on an unconvincing smile,
"What about me? I'm fine."
"Yeah well, the tears say different." Jacqui glanced down and he thought she was about to give him another one of her unconvincing smiles and tell him it was alright, but she didn't.
"I can't do it."
"Do what?" he asked, knowing what she was talking about.
"This." she pointed at her ring. "I can't do this whole pretending to be married thing. I'm lying to everyone and I can't stand it. I mean mum's even given up her bed for me and Aleksander and I know it's killing her." She gestured to their mum who was fast asleep on the sofa. "I even heard her talking to him recently about grandchildren. What would it do to her if she knew the truth? She thinks we're love's young dream, when in reality, I can't stand sharing a bed with him."
"It'll work out in the end Jacs. How much longer have you got to be married to him for?"
"Two years."
"Christ! Jac, I promise you it'll be alright. Like you told me, you'll look back on this in a year's time and wonder what you were ever worrying about." They both knew it was a lie, for both of them. She suddenly stood up.
"Don't know what I'm getting upset about! I'm Jacqui McQueen and I've been through a hell of a lot worse than this. I'm going up to bed" She pulled him into a hug and headed upstairs. As soon as she reached her bedroom door however, she broke down crying.