Who Wants to Live Forever?
"There's no time for us" he said. He looked very sad, but he always looked very sad. He was trying his very best to convey this to her, but she wasn't listening. That, or she didn't understand, which was probably more likely.
"No time? No time for what? She replied. She didn't understand. She had been so happy, but she felt this happiness was ending. It made her sad.
"There's no 'place' for us. We don't…belong here." He said, trying to emphasize his point further. He was beginning to upset her and that was not his intention. She needed to understand, she needed to understand why it wasn't real. Why he had to leave, or more accurately, why she would have to leave him.
"I don't get it, you're happy aren't you? I haven't done anything wrong have I?" she asked, getting visibly upset. She didn't know what 'place' meant. It's not like they lived together or anything. In fact, she didn't even know where she was exactly. It was familiar, or at least it felt familiar. Everything seemed blurry, unclear, out of focus somehow. But this was where she was wanted to be; she knew that for sure. Or, she could feel it at least. And it wasn't so much what he was saying, as the expression on his face. Things were about to go badly, and she didn't like it when good things went badly. It's over was playing repeatedly in her mind, and she couldn't make it stop. He wasn't saying it, not yet anyway, but she could feel it, sense it.
"Look," he replied in a strained voice, "This is the last time, our last moments together. It will end soon. We wont be together anymore. You will see in time."
"See what? You aren't making any sense. All I know from what you've said is that we wont be together anymore. I don't know why. You're not explaining this to me. Please." She felt cheated, as if something she had finally attained was being taken from her unjustly. She tried to focus on his face, but she couldn't. Even he was becoming out of focus, vague somehow despite her attempts to get one last look at him. She grew more agitated, "What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away from us? Why cant this go on forever?" Tears start streaming down her face. It is her ignorance that hurts her. Her lack of understanding makes her upset. What peace had existed between them was ending; the moments that they shared were over. Even now she could not remember them all. Only the feeling of them, the happiness she felt then, never to feel again.
"Who wants to live forever? Forever doesn't exist," he said, exasperated. It was not going as well as he had planned. "Look, there's no chance for us. It's all decided for us, well, for you anyway. There are no decisions for me. There is nothing for me really. This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us, and this was it. This is our one moment in the universe, our one moment in time. After this I wont be here anymore, but you will be." He brushed his hair out of his face. She still didn't understand, all that she heard were clichéd statements and expressions of sadness. All that she knew was that it was ending, there was very little time left. Everything had begun to take on a swirling quality to it, nothing was clear anymore. She couldn't picture his face, she knew who he was, could feel what he looked like, yet she could not see.
"Who wants to live forever? I'm so confused. Are you saying that something is going to happen? Something that is going to make you disappear and allow me to stay? Why cant you stay?" he thought she understood, but she didn't. She was as in the dark as ever. All she knew was that it was ending, and that she wouldn't be happy anymore. Their love must breathe its last, if you could call it love at all, that is. Love was not the right word. A composite of emotions, ambitions, and wishful thinking was what it really was. But he would miss her, if such a thing were ever possible.
"Yes. I will go away and you will stay behind. But it's not really going away, as I wont actually go anywhere. But we wont see each other again, not in the same way. Do you understand?" he asked, "Do you know why we can't be together anymore?" she knew now, she must have known. And if she didn't, he was pretending she did.
"Yes," she lied, "I understand." She cried profusely, no more attempting to hide it. She wanted them to enjoy their last moments, even if she didn't know why it was their last. He kissed her face, but he didn't really kiss her face. Everything was becoming confusing. It was as if she could feel him kissing her face, comforting her, but he wasn't there anymore, not in the way he had been. She traced her fingers over his face that was no longer his face, a face that was something else entirely, and touched his world with her fingertips. It would end soon; she felt it. She looked up and said more to herself than to him and without conviction, "We can have forever. We can love forever."
"No. No we cant" His heart was broken. And if his heart was broken, so was hers. After all, he was nothing that she did not create him to be. Their moment was over. She did not understand. He could not let it end without her understanding; whatever negligible difference that would make.
"Yes we can. Forever is our today. Nothing matters. It's going to be alright" She replied, still not knowing. She was just talking now, talking so that she could hold on for as long as possible. It would end soon, she knew that, but she couldn't grasp why. It made no sense. It was all too much, and even as she spoke she was forgetting exactly whom she was speaking too. All that was left was the feeling, the feeling and their voices. "Who wants to live forever anyway?" she continued. She smiled as silent tears ran down her face. She couldn't see them. She couldn't even touch them, but she felt like she was crying, so she must have been crying.
"No. I mean, yes. It's going to be all right. You'll be all right. But you need to understand. This isn't… we aren't… you aren't going to remember this… the time we spent together. It's going to fade as time goes on. I'll be a nostalgic feeling, nothing more." He whispered to her, attempting to tell her the complete truth. Time was almost out. He had almost completely faded, his voice all that remained.
"How could I forget you?" she asked, feeling that she was smiling. Sadness lurked behind her eyes that could no longer see, no longer be seen. It was over. Her happiness slipped away as she spoke. "Memories don't fade, not really. You will always be with me" However, she could no longer remember who 'you' was. All that remained was the feeling of him, vague flashes of memory intermixed with coinciding feelings. Only a few seconds left.
"But I wont be a memory" he whispered as if a gust of wind, his voice becoming distant, "because I'm a dream…" Time was up.
She woke up. Every day it became harder to remember his face, harder to remember the way he had looked at her, touched her, kissed her. All she had now were the dreams; the heartbreaking fleeting dreams, and soon they would be gone too. As Susan gets up, she wonders if it was all a dream. If she had never been to Narnia, never seen Capsian, never noticed the look in his eyes as she kissed him that day, the last day. He existed now as a memory, for he would be long dead in Narnia. Susan was old now, the last of her siblings still alive, and so it was up to her. If she forgot him, it will have been as if he never existed. But the dreams, the dreams were all she had left, and even they had begun to fade…