A/N: This is a completely AU story, so please give it a chance. Although it may not seem like it right now, this is a Japril story.

April Kepner had never been the one to be the center of attention, hell she normally was a wallflower, and she liked it that way. That was until her co-workers started badgering her about whether or not she was a virgin. She didn't know why she lied to them, why she told them she was, when in all actuality she was the complete opposite. They wouldn't understand they would never get her and what she believed in. She couldn't mention God to them; she could only imagine the look of sheer disgust on Cristina's face; that was enough for her to keep her mouth shut. But, no April Kepner was definitely not a virgin, she was a widow.

April Kepner, the woman who most of the other surgical residents deemed as too cheery and neurotic used to be married. However, that was a long time ago. She had married Matthew Taylor when she graduated college. The ceremony had been simple and sweet, partly because they were recent college graduates on a budget and partly because they didn't need anything flashy. They had been on the same floor freshmen year and grew inseparable, and he proposed the summer after their junior year. April had an internship in Chicago and when she came back at the end of the summer he got down on one knee and proposed, telling her that he never wanted to spend another night of his life away from her. He was her best friend and if it hadn't been for a car crash two years into medical school he'd still be here.

She didn't talk about it with the other residents at Mercy West, it wasn't worth bringing up. She was a widow, but more importantly she was a doctor and she didn't want anyone looking at her with pity. She missed Matthew, everyday, but at least she still had a piece of him. Their daughter, Claire Isobel was born eight months after he had died, and unfortunately Matthew had never found out about her. Now, April Kepner had a six year old, was a resident in one of the top surgical programs in the country, and a virgin according to her co-workers, if only they knew.

April Kepner lived about thirty minutes away from Seattle Grace Mercy West, it wasn't the most convenient location ever, but it was the house she and Matthew had bought together and she had no intentions of leaving it.

Everything in the house was still the same, same couch, same books lining the bookshelves, same throw pillows, same everything. Losing him had been the most difficult experience of her life, and it had taken her years to get over it. She still wasn't "over it", in a way a part of her would always love Matthew, but she knew that she eventually should start dating again. It was just hard. But every time she got out of bed and saw how lumpy her side was compared to his, even after all these years she still didn't have the heart to sleep on his side of the bed to even it out, her heart would sink. She needed someone to even out the bed.

"Morning sunshine," April said as she knocked on Claire's door. The little girl's dark brown hair was splayed all over her pillow and she was clutching her penguin stuffed animal, Gary, for dear life. She had been sleeping with it since she was a baby and April was sure that she was more attached to Gary than to her.

"Uhhh," the recently turned, six year old groaned back.

"Up," April instructed firmly, "It's time for you to greet the day."

"But I don't want to, can't I just stay here?" April smiled at her daughter, she and her did think alike when it came to appreciating their beds and that blissful extra five minutes of sleep in the morning. However, unlike her daughter, April was a morning person, having grown up on a farm and getting up at the butt crack of dawn you get pretty used to it.

"You," April paused, "Missy moo, have school. Now let's go, or do you want me to pull these covers off of you?" The little girl shot up out of bed like a rocket.

"I'm going."

"Good, now get dressed and I'll have breakfast ready in a few."

April made her way downstairs where she started making Claire some scrambled eggs and toast. Even if she only had a little bit of time in the morning with her daughter, April cherished it.

"Eggs and toast for you, milady," April joked.

"Thanks mommy," the little girl smiled back.

"So, I like the outfit today." The young girl was wearing her denim skirt with pink tights and an even brighter pink top; she certainly was a girly girl.

"Mom, it's fashion. You wouldn't understand, you wear scrubs all day." April laughed at her daughter's sassy comments, if she hadn't been in the delivery room some days she could have guessed her daughter belonged to one of her sisters not her.

"Hey, I look cute when I'm not in scrubs. And you know why?" she looked at her daughter intently, "It's because I have the best stylist helping me." She kissed her daughter's cheek, "Now, eat up and I'll drive you to school then I have to get to work."

"Mommy?"

"Yeah?"

"Why do you work so much?"

"Well," she paused not really knowing how to answer her daughter. Truthfully she worked so much because it helped her forget about Matthew. It helped her to not feel like she was the poor, sad widow who spent all day pent up in her house crying over spilled milk. It made her feel useful. And it also made her feel like she was doing right by him, he had always encouraged her to pursue medicine, so in a way she was honoring him by becoming a surgeon, even if it took this much out of her. So, April collected herself and answered her daughter pleasantly, "Because mommy is learning how to be a surgeon and surgeons save lives."

"So you're like a superhero?" April's daughter loved superheroes too, mainly because April didn't want her daughter only reading princess stories about damsels in distress, she made sure her daughter had a well-rounded pop culture and geek filled repertoire of references.

"Sort of," she smiled, "I guess you could say I am." This caused the little girl to laugh, revealing her bright dimples that were just like April's.

The morning had gone well, dropping Claire off at school hadn't been a nightmare like it was last week when Mrs. Carlson refused to stop talking to the crossing guard. It had caused April to be late and she got kicked out of Sloan's surgery. No one at the hospital knew about Claire, except for Dr. Weber who was the program advisor. She had asked him to be discreet about it, because she was there to do her job and not be judged about having a kid. He only knew for legal reasons, but still it made her uncomfortable that someone knew.

With a coffee in one hand and a blueberry muffin in another, April made her way down to the E.R. before she ran into Alex Karev and the others. They had gone out drinking on Friday night, when Claire had a girl scout's meeting and then a sleepover at Maggie Anderson's house and that's when April had lied to them about being a virgin. She didn't know why she said it, why she practically yelled like a basket case that she had never spread her legs for anyone. It wasn't like they would have judged her, honestly, it seemed as if they were judging her more for being one. She sighed, knowing that she'd have to face the beast anyway, so she went to greet them.

"Morning you guys," she said to Cristina, Alex, and Meredith.

"Morning, Kepner," Meredith replied.

"How was your patient yesterday, I heard he went on triple bypass," April tried to converse with Cristina, anything would be better than addressing the obvious elephant in the room.

"He's fine," she shortly replied.

"So, why haven't you done it yet?" The crass Alex Karev asked her.

"Excuse me?" She replied.

"Alex," Meredith scolded him, "I told you not to bring that up," she said not so quietly under her breath.

"I mean, why haven't you done it. You're an attractive woman, someone die or whatever?"

"You have no idea what you're talking about Alex," she huffed, "Besides I'd really rather not talk about it. Thank you."

"April, you know it would help you loosen up if you just did it, sex really isn't that big of a deal," Cristina added.

"Well it is a big deal to me and besides my personal life is none of your guys' business." She was angry, why would they not let this go? So, she hadn't had sex, what was it to them?

"April, we're your friends and we want to see you happy. I've never seen you date or even look at a guy for more than thirty seconds," Meredith kindly said, "I know a guy up in radiology who would love to take you out, I could ask him if you'd like."

"Meredith," April said coldly, "I do not need you to pimp me out. I'm fine. I'm not looking to date, not until after our residency is over and I have my fellowship. There are just too many moving pieces for me to put any type of focus on a relationship."

"Not to be rude," Cristina chimed in, "But have you ever had a boyfriend?" April didn't know why that particular comment made her blood boil. Of course she had, had boyfriends back in high school that were more like friends who went to the movies and shared the same thing of popcorn. She had only had one serious boyfriend, one boy who swept her off her feet, but now he was buried.

"Yes, I have," she coldly replied.

"And?" Cristina asked, anticipating the answer, "Did you scare him away with your peppiness?"

"You know what," April stood up, "I don't have to take this, so she turned her heel and was on her way to E.R. Her trauma rotations were her favorite, something about the fast pace of the E.R. made her feel alive. It also reminded her of Matthew, he was a paramedic, God she wished that he'd still be alive, she could imagine him bringing patients to her and them going to get lunch when their shifts aren't busy. She sighed as she touched her wedding ring and his, which were on a necklace that she tucked under her scrub top. Today was going to be one of those days, wasn't it?

"What's her problem?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, I don't know. Something's definitely up with her," Cristina added.

"Maybe we should ask Jackson, he'll probably know what's going on," Meredith stated.

Jackson and April had started their internships together at Mercy West before it merged with Seattle Grace, and although they hadn't been the best of friends there they still knew each other and leaned on each other. Now at Seattle Grace Mercy West, he was practically her other half. He was the one who pulled her into the friend group with Alex, Cristina, and Meredith, and he was certainly the one that knew how to make her feel better. April had been so grateful for her friendship with Jackson, he was everything she needed in a man and then some.

April was in her fourth year of residency and she had declared trauma as her specialty. She loved the adrenaline rush that working in the pit gave her. When a trauma came in, and you were on the front lines, you were the determinant in whether they lived or died. She felt useful and important and powerful.

"Dr. Benson," she called to her intern, "What do we have?"

"Bed 3 has stomach pains, bed 2 diarrhea, and bed 1 fell off her scooter and looks to have a broken wrist."

"Okay, get me x-rays for bed 1, and I'll go check on the others."

"Great, I can't believe it's so quiet today," Dr. Benson mentioned.

"No, you did not just say the Q- word?"

"What?"

"You never say that in an E.R., now we're going to get bombarded with patients."

"Dr. Kepner, I never knew you were superstitious."

"Kepner, Benson, I need all hands on deck, we have a semi versus a prius and the semi won," Dr. Owen Hunt called out.

"See," April gloated, "Never say an E.R. is quiet." April went to grab a yellow trauma gown and waited outside with Owen. She hated getting car accident victims, especially since it reminded her of Matthew and his accident, which also involved a semi.

Six years ago she got that fateful call that her husband was involved in an accident. He was driving in the left lane on the freeway, and a semi changed lanes in front of him. Matthew's car went under the semi and he lost control, hitting the median. He suffered a subdural hematoma and was declared brain dead about an hour after making it to the hospital. April never got the chance to say goodbye. She remembered what it felt like to sign those papers, the ones that took away her husband's life support. She knew it wouldn't have been what he would have wanted, but it didn't make it any easier. And the worst part it; she had asked him to come home early that night, that's why he was speeding down the freeway. She had planned on telling him that she was pregnant. She had taken a test that morning and it had come out positive. They weren't actively trying for a baby, but she knew he would have been thrilled at the idea of one.

"Mrs. Taylor," the doctor greeted her, "I'm Dr. Charles."

"Yes, how is he? Is Matthew alright?" He sat down next to her and that's when she knew.

"I'm sorry, but despite our best efforts, his injuries were simply too severe and we were unable to resituate him."

"Oh my God," she gasped quietly.

"I can take you to see him if you'd like."

"Could I have a minute please?" She asked him.

"Sure," he replied. He didn't leave her alone; he just sat there with her quietly. She had never seen a doctor be so patient with the loved ones of family members. The shock was starting to wear off a bit, and Doctor Charles was sitting there with his hands folded in his lap. She wondered what he was thinking. Did he pity her? Did he feel responsible? Did he hate this part of the job? Of course he did, this was the absolute worst part of being a doctor, telling the family members of your patients that you failed.

"I'm ready," she quietly said.

"Alright, if you just follow me," he extended out his hand to help her up and then the two of them made it, in silence, to Matthew's hospital room.

He looked like he had been sleeping; if she hadn't seen the machines that were connected to her husband she would have thought so. He looked peaceful.

"Was it," she croaked, "Was it painful?"

"No, he went peacefully. He more than likely didn't feel a thing," Dr. Charles comforted her.

"That's, that's good. That's uh, really good."

"I'll leave you two alone for a bit," he said as he exited the room.

April walked over to her husband's bedside, and took his hand in hers. His skin was still warm. His chest was moving up and down, logically she knew that he wasn't in there anymore that the Matthew she had known and fallen in love with had gone to a better place. But, it didn't make it any easier, knowing that the rest of his body worked just fine, it was just his brain that didn't work. She took his hand and placed it gently on her stomach.

"I was going to tell you when you got home, I had it all planned out for you, I even bought a t-shirt that says 'World's Best Dad'," she laughed at the idea, "Matt," she held back tears, "You're gonna be a dad." A single tear fell onto her cheek, "Were going to be a dad." And with that she sobbed like a baby. She climbed into her husband's hospital bed, wrapped his arm around her, and cried into his chest for what felt like hours. She knew it wasn't the most appropriate reaction, but she didn't care. She just needed him to hold her one last time, but more than anything she needed to hear him say that everything was going to be okay.

A soft knock came at the door, "Mrs. Taylor?" Dr. Charles inquired. He was shocked to see the widow's body sprawled over her husband's. She didn't need to look up; she knew he had the papers for her to sign his end of life care and for his organ donation.

"I need a pen," she softly said.

"We don't need to do this now, I can come back later."

"Get me a damn pen," she screamed causing Dr. Charles to step back in anticipation, and then the tears came even harder than before. Despite everything in his medical training that told him not to, he hugged the red-headed woman, held her as tightly as he could and let her cry into his shoulder for as long as she needed.

"Kepner, got Benson looking into trauma too?" Owen asked, trying to make polite conversation before the ambulances arrived.

"You could say that," she kindly replied.

"I'm going into cardio," Benson said, causing April to give him a 'stop-talking stare'.

"Cardio?" Owen scoffed, "My wife's in cardio, so if you ever want any O.R. time good luck. And besides, trauma is where all the hardcore surgeons are, right?" Owen looked at April.

"Right," she smiled back.

The ambulances arrived two minutes later and Nicole popped out the back, introducing April to her patient. Twenty-four year old, Caucasian male, named Jonathan Granger.

"BP is 120 over 75, lost consciousness in the field, has a pretty bad head trauma. He hit his head on the steering wheel; airbag faulted and didn't go off. Poor guy; hit the median pretty hard." April swallowed loudly, his accident was sounding awfully similar to Matthew's.

"Let's get him into trauma 1," Owen instructed, "Kepner, you got this?"

"Yes chief," she replied, "Let's go Benson."

Despite all her best efforts, the patient was declared brain dead by Derek Shepherd within an hour of his arrival, due to a subdural hematoma.

"Do you want me to inform the family?" Derek asked.

"No, he was my patient, I can do it," April calmly replied as she tore her gloves forcefully off her hands.

"Okay," Derek said as turned to leave the room, before leaving he said, "Don't take this one too hard, there wasn't anything you could have done."

"I know. Thank you Dr. Shepherd."

April tore off her trauma gown and left the E.R. to go and find Jonathan's family. The whole situation felt like déja vu for her and she hated it.

She saw a young woman in the waiting room, her blonde hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail and she had on a pair of jeans and an oversized sweater. She looked like she hadn't been crying, she looked hopeful, and that's how April knew it was her. Because she was once the woman who was told her husband had been in a car accident, and she naively thought that he'd be able to survive it. Clearly this woman thought so to.

"Are you Mrs. Granger?" she asked politely.

The woman was bobbing her leg nervously, but other than that her demeanor was relatively calm, "Yes, I am. Are you John's doctor?"

"I am. I was there when your husband was brought in."

"Is John okay, can I see him?" The woman asked as she stood up, excitedly.

"Mrs. Granger," April said calmly, and the woman sat back down hands gripping the arm rests of the chair so tightly her knuckles turned white, "Despite our best efforts, your husband's injuries were too severe and he is brain dead."

"No, no that's not possible. John was just coming to meet me for lunch."

"I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Mrs., Granger," she genuinely said trying her best to console the woman. April sat down next to her and listened to Mrs. Granger.

"Emma, my name's Emma."

"Emma, is there anything I can do for you? Would you like to see him?"

"I just need a bit of time to process this. I mean, this morning I was making my husband pancakes in bed and now I'm going to have to pick out his casket. It all seems unreal."

"I know; it's never easy," April sighed, "I'll give you a minute then I'll take you to go an see him." April got up to leave, but then was stopped by Mrs. Granger.

"No, please stay." April pleasantly obliged and sat back down with her patient's widow.

"You know, we've only been married for three months. We had only been dating for six months before he proposed and then we got married that weekend. Seems silly that we rushed into things so quickly, but when you know, you know. And boy did I know." April put her hand out and Emma placed hers in it, "He was my best friend. And I know everyone says that about their husbands, but this is the truth. There won't ever be another man like John. He was courageous, charming, caring, he would cook for me, he'd tell me every day how beautiful I was and even at 6:00 in the morning when I had just woken up so I knew he wasn't lying. I just don't know how I'm supposed to live in a world where he doesn't exist."

"It's never easy," April began, "To live without them."

"Have you ever lost anyone, Dr. Kepner?" The question seemed a bit personal, but April wanted to ease the pain of the widow, and so she told her, her story.

"Yes, my husband died six years ago."

"Does it ever get easier? Will the pain ever go away?"

"It never really does, it'll linger for a while and it'll sting like Hell every time you think of him, but eventually it'll hurt less and less until it doesn't hurt at all anymore. But when I look at our daughter and I see him in her it reminds me that things are going to be okay," she smiled at the thought of Claire.

"I think I'm ready to go and see him now," Emma said softly. April led her to her husband's room and let her say goodbye to John. She was saying goodbye to not only her husband, but to the future she had imagined having with him and that was the most difficult pill to swallow.

The rest of the day in the pit was long and exhausting and April wanted more than anything to drive home and get to see her daughter, who was probably asleep by now. It was already 9:00 p.m. and even though it happened frequently, April hated missing tucking her daughter into bed. Matthew's mother was fantastic and so understanding; she was from Seattle so she'd take care of Claire whenever April had a late shift or whenever she felt like seeing her granddaughter. It was nice, it Francine's presence kept Matthew alive for the both of them and that made her incredibly happy.

"Tough day in the pit?" Jackson Avery asked. Jackson had become April's best friend as of late. He was kind, considerate, and he was the owner of the most beautiful eyes she'd ever seen. After the shooting they had really leaned on each other, especially since both their best friends died that day. He didn't really understand how April got through their deaths with such dignity and class, he never saw her cry or break down, and that was because April had done this before and he knew it. He never asked her who died or what happened, it wasn't his business, but he still wanted to know. His curiosity was certainly getting the better of him.

"You can say that," she responded.

"Did you lose any patients?"

"Yeah," She somberly replied.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He sat down next to her and looked at her, she had clearly been crying.

"No," she paused, "Not really."

"Are you okay, April?"

"Of course I'm okay, why would you ask that?"

"I mean the other day at Joe's, and then your patient today. You just seem stressed, that's all." Boy he did not even know how stressed she was or how in the slightest this day was killing her.

"I'm fine, really," she looked up at him and forced a smile.

"Okay, well we're going to Joe's if you want to come."

"Sure, let me just get changed and I'll meet you up front."

"Okay," he replied.

She quickly whipped out her phone and texted Francine that she was grabbing a drink with her co-workers, which she normally did every Friday night. It was nice to have one night a week of normalcy, of where she could behave like the rest of the residents. For a few short hours every week she'd forget that she was a widow, she'd forget about all the pain the last few years had caused her, and for that she was grateful.

She was on her third drink, it was just one those kinds of days, and she never really expected herself to open up to everyone, but they would not relinquish their badgering.

"Kepner, you should probably slow down," Meredith advised.

"Meredith," April spat, "Mind your own business."

"What happened today, April?" Cristina asked.

"She lost a patient," Jackson answered for her.

"We lose patients all the time, why are you going off about this one?" Alex wondered.

"Because it hit close to home, now are you guys going to get drunk with me or not?"

"I guess I can have another tequila shot," Cristina said.

"Me too," Meredith chimed in.

Before long April Kepner was too drunk to stand on her own, causing Jackson to decide that it was time to take her home.

"April, I think you've had enough for tonight. Come on, let's go home." He guided her out of the bar, where she drunkenly pulled out her cell phone.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Calling a cab, I am way too drunk to drive. And besides, my cars all the way over there," she pointed around aimlessly.

"April, I'll drive you home. Come on my cars over here," he pointed to his actual car.

"No, I'll take a cab."

"Why don't you ever let me drive you home? Hell, April we've been friends for years and I don't even know where you live. That's not normal." He didn't mean to yell at her, but he had been frustrated. April had been keeping him at an arm's length and he knew it. She was his best friend, but sometimes he felt like they were only friends at work and once they left the hospital they never really talked to one another. Whenever he had asked her to come over and watch a movie or to have dinner or just to hang out, she would always decline, it was so confusing for him. And then she started crying.

"I know it's not normal, Jackson. Don't you think I know that?"

"Then why won't you let me in?"

"I can't. I just can't."

"April," he gently said, "Please tell me why this patient hit you so hard. I'm your best friend, I want to help you. Why won't you let me help you?"

She didn't know if it was the alcohol talking or if it was her finally wanting to open up to someone, "Because, I was Emma?"

"What, I don't follow."

"Jonathan Granger came in today, car accident, he was pronounced brain dead within an hour of his arrival," she explained.

"I'm not sure I understand. What do you mean you were Emma?" Before April could delve into it further, she hunched over and hurled all over the ground. Jackson held her hair back, he had never seen her this drunk before. He picked her up and slung her over his shoulder, when she was done, and put her in his car. He put her address in the navigation system, he had it from the Christmas cards she had sent out and also because it was in the hospital directory and made his way to her house. He was surprised that she lived so far out of the city, Hell she lived in the suburbs. He pulled onto her street, it was a cul-de-sac and then he made it to her house. It was a nice, red-bricked house with an impeccable garden and there was another car in the driveway, which confused Jackson even more.

"Hey," he gently rocked her knee, "Hey, April we're home."

"What?"

"We're at your house, here come on," he unbuckled her seatbelt and helped her out of his car. She was no longer piss drunk and could make it to her front door without any problems.

"You sure have a nice place, I never imagined you'd be living in a house."

"Yeah," she replied. She opened the front door and walked in, leaving it open behind her. Jackson was unsure of what he was supposed to do. Should he follow her? Did she want him to follow her? He was a little curious to see what the inside of her house looked like, so he decided to take the bait and he followed her in. If anything he could claim that he just wanted to make sure she was all right. He gently closed the door behind him.

"April," an old woman's voice called, "April is that you?"

"Crap," she muttered under her breath, "Yeah, Francine it's me."

"Francine?" Jackson thought, "What on earth is going on here?"

Then an elderly woman came out of the kitchen and saw April and Jackson, who April hadn't noticed, "She's already down for the night so if you and your gentlemen friend were planning on anything," she trailed off.

"Gentlemen friend?" April asked then she turned around and saw Jackson, and her mouth just dropped, "Uh, Francine this is my friend Jackson he works at the hospital with me."

"Jackson, this is Francine."

"I just drove April home, it's nice to met you," he extended his hand.

"And you too," she politely smiled back, "Well I best be going. Tell the little bug that I'll be back in the morning to take her to the zoo. Good night!" The old woman called as she left April's house.

April just stood there in shock; no amount of alcohol could make this feeling of dread go away. She had to explain everything to Jackson who was just staring at her with a look of pure disbelief on his face. He hadn't been paying much attention to April and Francine's conversation, which gave him the opportunity to scan the living room. And that's when he spotted the picture of the little girl with long, wavy dark brown hair sitting on April's lap and then another one of a young man and April, clearly in a wedding dress.

"Jackson," she began.

"You're married?" He asked, "And you have a kid? Why on earth would you tell us that you're a virgin? Why have you lied about this for years, years April? I've been your friend for years, don't you think I deserved to know this?"

"It's complicated."

"It's not really, so you're married, what's the big deal? Why didn't you tell any of us?"

"Because I'm not married," she spat out, "My husband died Jackson."

"Oh," his face dropped, "Oh April I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

"No, of course you didn't, I shouldn't have snapped at you."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, not really."

"Do you want me to go?"

"Not really."

"Okay, I'll just sleep on the couch then."

"Thank you, Jackson. And please don't say anything to anyone else about this, I don't really want them knowing about Claire, they'll just ridicule me."

"I promise I won't. Goodnight April."

"Goodnight, Jackson."