Just Look at You
Look how you've grown, my Leo, the Starboy to my Stargirl.
Look how you've shaped up since I last saw you in high school. Even if you're a year my senior, you're so small.
Look at the way your eyes have bugged out as you spot me standing outside your apartment. I've been wondering for a while whether this is the right thing to do, to turn up right in front of you and welcome myself back into your vision. But I don't think you'll understand the way I do. I need you, Leo. Perry didn't fit the place in my heart you'd carved out so long ago.
I loved Perry, but it didn't work out. So here I am, finding myself in your eyes.
You broke my heart and now I'm going to return to you because I've lost somebody else. That seems like a fair trade, doesn't it?
Look at the way recognition has fluttered onto your face. Look at the way you're pointing at me with a face like you've seen a ghost.
"Stargirl," you croak out, and I smile because you still don't know just how much I've been through.
I've changed my name four times since Stargirl; Ryneith, Pierrot, Sandsky, Ladygreen. Each time I've wished for a clean slate but I can't carry on like that anymore. So I changed it back to Stargirl a few weeks ago and sought out your help. I loved you, Leo, and I think I still do. However confusing, lost, dazedly muddled this love is, it's love, and I think that's the important thing.
You're still staring at me.
"Hi, Leo," I say softly, because in spite of all of these emotions swimming around in the tide against my head, that's all I can feel myself saying.
You stand there with the same goldfish look on your face and I giggle because of how silly you look. You're so sweet now, aging without me and still so young and new to the world. You're still seeing black and white, missing the shades of grey.
Perhaps you need my help more than I need yours.
You cross the busy street and for a moment I lose you in the crowd, and panic constricts my chest like tying a knot around my heart. But then you came back again and your arms wrapped around me like snuggling inside of a blanket.
"Where have you been?" you ask, and I want to say that I never left, not really… but I can't, because pretending, lying, isn't something I want to get tangled up in, not now, when I want to start anew with you.
"I don't know," I reply truthfully, my voice croaking pathetically. You don't comment on this, though. You breathe in my scent, rub my arms. I'm getting goosebumps just being around you, yet you can make them go away just as quickly. Another reason among many that I still love you after these fifteen long years.
Don't you see me the way that I can see you? A being so soft and light, yet broken and damp on the inside; that is what you are, that is what we all are, us human beans planted into the earth those many years ago.
We go to a café nearby, ordering coffee. I see you've grown out of strawberry-banana smoothies, but I don't comment because I don't want to see your face crumple at the mention of some of our easier times.
So we talk about the future, not the past. What we're doing now, who we're still in touch with, etc. You tell me the funny stories about college and how your first serious girlfriend threw her bedside water at you once because you were tearing up at A Walk to Remember. I tell you about how I threw a grape at the back of Perry's head once for stealing lemons after I gave him enough money to buy one, how Dootsie still chatters to me about the boys in her class and how annoying they are, how Alvina has finally blossomed.
And then I remember that I never sent that letter to you.
Talking leads to flirting, in our own peculiar way. Flirting leads to hand-holding.
The clock chimes midnight and I am in your bed, lying under the sheets as you reach for a box on the bedside table. You almost knock over you alarm clock. Through the corner of my eye I can see the porcupine neckties I sent you in tiny boxes while in Arizona. They're hanging over the doorknobs of your wardrobe. Just seeing a reminder of myself in this room makes my heart tickle in joy.
You're inside me. It feels bizarre but I wouldn't change it. I can't see Perry in your place right now, not ever. We did these things so many times but there wasn't proper feeling there. With you, my insides are twisting in a wonderful way and I feel giddy, light as a cloud, high as the stars in the sky.
You're panting but you don't back down. I run my fingers through your hair and laugh out loud, pretty breathless myself. Your hot breath tickles my neck.
"I love you, Stargirl," you breathe, and I know you mean it.
Just look at how you've grown.
I can feel your hands sliding beneath the sheets now. It's five in the morning but I can't move. Normally I'd be up and about, riding my bike, singing to the birds as they hum a tune. Today I just want to lie in this bed forever, because you're here and you're not going anywhere.
Your steady breathing reminds me that you're still asleep and I wonder if you have work to do. When you eventually wake you call in sick, throw in a few coughs for good measure. Then you flop back down onto the bed and stroke my forehead.
"I've wanted this for a while," you say. I smile back.
"Me too, Leo," I reply, because even if I didn't realise it before, it's true. For a moment I can imagine Cinnamon tutting and looking down his little pink nose at us from ratty heaven, but I will the mental image away and snuggle beside you. Because today should be a happy day, not a sad one.
Then your voice hollows a question."When are you leaving, Stargirl?"
The question throws me off guard.
"Leaving?" I echo. "When did I say I was going to leave?"
You turn to face me, and your eyes glimmer with… fear?
"You've never been tied down, not to me, not to anybody. It's… weird. Wherever you go the sun follows, and… how long are you going to be here before you slip away again?" The last part comes tumbling out of your mouth before you can stop it, so it seems. I want to cry, but I don't.
"I'm not leaving now," I say, and I mean it. I really do. "I'm not going to leave, not if you don't want to. My parents are okay with it, Archie understands…"
"You still talk to Archie?" Your face lights up. I nod.
"Not very often… but sometimes."
"You're… you're really okay with moving in with me." That wasn't a question, it was a statement. I nod.
"Only if you are," I say carefully. "There are still a lot of things that need to be sorted out."
"Why?" You throw up your hands. "Where's the impulsive, whimsical Stargirl I used to know?"
I stare at you for a moment before my face splits into the biggest grin I've managed in a while. I hold onto your hands and kiss each finger in turn, the feeling of warmth trickling into my body as I realise I belong somewhere again. And the best part is that where I now belong is where you belong too, and this is the first time since I arrived in this city that I've felt like I know my place.
Just look at you. You know me better than I do myself, don't you?
A/N: So I don't think this counts as a drabble but it's not really long enough to be considered a proper fic… I don't know. I wrote this on a whim so it's not great. xD