What not to do to Yassen Gregorovich--
1. I will not ask him if his gun is loaded--
2. Nor will I ask him if it works.
3. I will not rewire his cellphone ring to play the Barney theme song.
4. I will not sign him up for a gun control speech at a local school without his permission.
5. I will not stare in horror at him and then smile and say, "Oh. Nevermind... thought you were someone else..."
6. I will not make up a language and ask him for directions.
7. I will not point out that he gives off that creepy stalker vibe everywhere he goes.
8. I will not spontaneously start crying in his presence in the middle of a crowded supermarket.
9. I will not wait till he's asleep then rig an alarm while yelling,"FIRE!"
10. I will not ask him if he knows any experienced suicide bombers.
11. I will not start singing 'London Bridge is falling Down' whenever he walks into the room.
12. I will not question him on why he thinks killing his ex-partner's brother is less worse than killing his son.
13. I will not drop a pen and wait until he reaches to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
14. I will not announce when I'm going to the bathroom.
15. I will not ask him to prove everything he says. (ex. "I'm Yassen, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")
16. I will not tell him my life story.
17. I will not ask for HIS life story.
18. I will not be sure to ask for the emotional parts in his life story.
19. I will not randomly whisper in his ear, "I know what you did last summer."
20. I will not tell him my problems.
21. I will not stand in a doorway and glare at Yassen whenever he tries to get by.
22. I will not put a "Caution: Wet Floor" sign on a carpeted area.
23. I will not ask to borrow a pencil, then chew on it before returning to Yassen.
24. I will not claim that I am fluent in over 6 million forms of communication - constantly, every time any language is mentioned, even if he did not direct the comment to me.
25. I will not deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in his brain, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
26. Every time he asks me to do something or says something to me, I will not ask "Is that a threat?"
27. Every time I see him, I will not shout, "So, we meet again!" and laugh evilly.
28. I will not go up to him and say, "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?" And then walk away very quickly.
29. I will not learn Morse code, and have conversations with imaginary friends around him consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
30. I will not give him a new nickname every five minutes.(ex. "That's a good point, Sparky" , "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.")
31. I will not play the electric guitar very loudly and badly, then ask Yassen to keep it down.
32. I will not continue to ask him, "Is this annoying? Is this annoying?" over and over and over.