How to Save a Life
Reviews welcomed.
Been meaning to write this for a long time, so here it is. Finally. I'm not sure about it… it's a long one though, that's a cert. If you have the song, by the way, I recommend listening to it whilst reading. :) I do not own the song, by the way, but I do wish I did. :(
Hope you like,
xCNx
You shouldn't feel guilty, but no matter how much you tell yourself that, guilt consumes you every time he walks past you, every time you catch his eye from across the Great Hall. Each time memories of you and him cross your mind, the guilt washes over you and all you can think about is how he was your best friend.
For a brief moment of insanity, you choose to ignore that he called you a Mudblood -- it was only a slip of the tongue -- and ask him to meet you in the Entrance Hall during dinner. Your boyfriend James doesn't know, and you want to keep it that way. Severus and James never did get along.
Guilt forces you to meet him there, because you know you have to sort out the problem. Severus was your friend for too long to cut him out now. He was there for you through everything, and he always had put you first.
You had to talk to him.
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks, you say sit down it's just a talk
Smiles politely back at you,
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left, you stay right,
Between the lines of fear and blame,
You begin to wonder why you came.
You sit quietly on the stairs, waiting patiently for his arrival. You're hoping in vain that he will be in a good mood and humour you, but deep down, you know he won't. You are holding onto the hope that he will listen to you, though, because you have never given him reason not to. You hope he will take your advice, but hope is waning fast.
He's suddenly beside you, and you're reminded of how stealthy Severus can be. He had always won the games of Hide and Seek when you were younger.
"Severus," You murmur, taking in his appearance. He somehow looks different, as if these few weeks have aged him terribly. There are circles under his eyes, his skin his paler than it's usual cream and his face his drawn. There's also an impassive look in his eyes that you're not familiar with.
You're looking up at him from your seat on the steps, "Sit down, I just want to talk to you."
He nods, and there is a heavy pause before he speaks, "I--I never meant to say that to you, I wouldn't deliberately hurt you."
A spark of hope is ignited once again in your heart, "I know." He gives you a weak smile, but you can't even manage to lift the corners of your mouth. You're disappointed in him.
"But you believe it.." You trail off, searching his face for some emotion, "You believe I'm nothing more than a mudblood and that I should be punished."
His eyes drop and emotion is once again lost on his face, "Don't put words in my mouth. I never said that."
Your words are no more than a whisper, "Actions speak louder than words."
"Don't give me that! You weren't there, Lily! Where were you when I was being endlessly mocked by your boyfriend--" He spat boyfriend out like it was poisonous, "Where were you when I was the outsider in Slytherin? When I was being beaten at home and when I had no one? I had no where to turn, so do not lecture me on my actions. Your actions are just the same."
You shake your head, fear washing over you. "Don't do it," You're startled to find your voice is broken, and it hitches as you try to speak again, "You'll regret it.. It's wrong, Sev. I won't abandon you, I promise. I--" You're horrified to find tears welling in your eyes. You're Lily Evans, you don't cry over boys and friends, you don't cry unless there's someone dying. "I don't know what else you want me to say."
Hurt flashes in his eyes before it's gone, "I don't want you to say anything." You want to tell him that you hate not talking to him, that you miss his rants on potions and that you love him more than words can convey, that he's your best friend in the whole world and you'll always love him.
Fear creeps in though, and you know he'll respond with something nasty. He's not going to listen to you.
But you so desperately want him to, you need him to understand that James is a part of your life, that you need both of them in your life.
Determination is running through you know, and you speak before you lose the courage, "I don't want to lose my best friend,"
He sighs and stares at you for a moment, "You already have…just leave and go to Potter."
You're shocked. You're vaguely aware that your mouth is agape and you realise you're shaking, too. The wind is knocked out of your lungs, and you hear the pounding of your heart reverberate through your ears. Hurt floods through you and you feel a searing pain in your chest. Tears are flowing uncontrollably, and if a student walks out of the hall they'll see you, but you can't move. Your hands are shaking and you slide down the wall into the ground, dropping your head into your hands.
He doesn't want you. He doesn't need you. He's done with you.
Years of friendship he's thrown away, with not so much as a single emotion.
For a moment, you wonder why you even came.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
When James had found you, you were already composed, but told him that Malfoy had said something to you. He was none the wiser of what went on, the doting boyfriend who paid, apparently, so much attention to you hadn't noticed the difference in you.
You still carry guilt around with you, it still weighs you down and drags you back. You wonder that if you had of paid more attention to Severus, if you had of been a better friend, would he have become what he is now?
Would he have joined the ruthless terrorists he is currently working for? You think you could have stopped him if you had known, you think you could have maintained his morals.
You think you could have saved him.
Let him know that you know best
'Cause after all, you do know best
Try to slip past his defence
Without granting innocence.
Lay down a list of what is wrong
Things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you,
It was a chance meeting, pure luck, that got you where you are now. You dare to believe it is fate, when normally you oppose such a fickle thing. He's not looking at you, but instead at the trophy his wand his lazily polishing.
McGonagall had said not to use magic. You suspect that McGonagall had set you up, because you have never gotten detention before and speaking out of turn was not normally punished with a detention.
The silence is deafening, but he doesn't seem bothered with it. You realise with a start that he probably sits in silence all the time.
"I can help you," You speak suddenly. You know he has crushed you, mocked you and given you every reason to hate him, but you can't. You can't walk away without a fight because you know he wouldn't. You know, if the opportunity arose, he would fight for you and do whatever he could to save you.
You can only try to do the same.
He looks over at you, curiosity sparking in his opaque eyes as well as dry amusement. "You think you can help me? I don't need help, but if I did, you wouldn't be the one to give it."
You're indignant, "Why not?!"
He chuckles, and you know it reminds him of when you were friends, "You're not equipped. I do not need help anyway, as there is nothing to save me from."
"Why are you speaking so formally? Just talk to me like we're friends again."
"But we're not."
You wince, "We are, whether you want to deny it or not. Why do you think I forgive you over again?" You hesitate, "You-you hurt me, Sev. You really did, I don't think I've ever been more hurt than because of you."
He shifts uncomfortably, "I didn't mean to cause you pain.."
You put down the trophy you were polishing and crouch next to where he is sitting languidly on the floor, "Dumbledore can help you, he'll hide you! We can just go to him and tell him what's happening, tell him you don't want to be part of the killings and--"
"I don't want to murder anyone," He cut in quietly, "I never wanted to take a life, I just want to make potions. I just wanted to fit in… but it didn't work like that, it was different to what I imagined." He refuses to look at you, but you're just glad he's speaking the truth now. "There's no getting out, Lily."
"There is! There's always a way and if--"
"There's not." He said flatly, "If there was, I would have done it. What's done is done though, and I have to live with the consequences. Not everything is bad though, and I will reign in this new group. I will become the best there can be--" His defences are coming back again, and you're dying to tear them down.
"Severus Snape!" You interject, astonished, "You just said it was wrong, that you didn't want to kill anyone."
"I never said it was wrong, I just don't want to kill anyone." His walls are up again, and you want to scream in frustration.
"It's wrong, Sev! Taking a human life, it's so wrong. What is it for? Is the reward really worth it? Killing some random muggle, how will that help your 'cause'? The mudblood they take and murder, what did that wizard have to do with their problems? Does he directly or indirectly solve anything? no. You only have one chance at life, and that is it. You don't get to redo it, or try again because it's just once. Do you really want to take that one chance away from someone?"
He knows this. You've said it all before, drilled into him that killing life is wrong. You let out a soft sigh as he turns and leaves, regardless of detention.
Desolation envelops you again, and you're left alone in the room watching his retreating figure. He listened to you but you pray to god he hears you.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend,
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up all night
Had I known, how to save a life.
It's deadly silent in the street, the only noise being the echoes of screams and shouts in the distance. The streaks of colour in the sky indicating the battle taking place, but you had escaped to find him. That had been your assignment, to find him and take him down. You knew the latter was not going to happen, but you wanted to find Severus. You hadn't seen him since graduation when he abruptly left.
He's leaning against a building, looking at you pensively. He has his hood up, but the mask is no longer on his face. His wand is firmly in his hand but he doesn't raise it, comfortable enough to know you won't shoot him with a spell.
You barely even recognise your old friend, any familiarities or characteristics of your friend Severus Snape were gone, replaced with an older, colder and impassive man. A man that 'killed quietly' as the Aurors said. His murders were always known to be his, because they were killed without so much as a scream. One Avada Kedavra and they were gone.
"Evans," He spoke, his voice oddly distant.
"Snape." You return. It's been two years, and yet you still call this man your friend. He may not be the man you used to know, but your friend is still there somewhere. "What are you doing?"
"What I've been doing the past two years, and if you've come here to ask me that, then you may as well turn back around."
You observe him. "You're different, and it's horrible. You're not the same man, you're a shell of what you used to be. You're cold, rude and distant… You've no one, Sev, these people aren't your friends. They're not even comrades, they're just killers. You are not a killer Severus Snape, and no one can tell me differently. You've killed two people, and that is unforgivable, but you can be redeemed. You can have comrades, you can fight for what is right and save lives rather than take them… Snape, please?"
Frustrated, he shouts, "When are you going to give up?! Why won't you give up?!!"
As he begins to raise his voice,
you lower yours and grant him one last choice.
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things,
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came.
"Because you're Severus!" You cry desperately, "You're the one person I could count on throughout my childhood, the one friend I had when everyone else was against me. The one person who stuck with me through everything! I don't want to lose it, and in some ways, I already have. I had to go two years! Two years wondering whether you were alive, or whether you were happy, whether you wanted to come back. Whether you were afraid! I wanted you to come back, and every night, I used to think 'maybe he'll show up tonight'. Do you know how little sleep I got?! Yes, I lose sleep over you. I love you, Severus. After everything, I still do. I don't understand why you don't anymore." The words are on his lips, he's about to tell you that he misses you, too, but then his mouth shuts and his lips purse.
You lower your voice, "It's not too late. You can still come back with me, I'll explain everything to everyone. You can still live a happy life. We can still be best friends, again. You can be my future children's godfather, and I'll be your child's godmother. We-we can still co-exist…. Or you can keep doing what you're doing until you tire, until you realise the whole idea is hopeless and you fall away. Until you die with nobody to say goodbye to."
There's a silence unlike none other you've ever felt before, it's a pivotal silence that could either make or break the two of you. You repeat, "We can still be best friends."
The roars of the battle are echoing in your ears, and you're reminded that the Order are still fighting the Death Eaters.
He steps back from you, and raising his wand utters a soft, "It's not the same."
He stuns you with a spell.
You let go of the friend you once had, the friend that was no more. You let go of all the unsettled feelings of guilt and regret, you repress all your childhood memories with him. If I had of just helped him at the very start, I could have saved him… You banish those thoughts.
When James finds you and angrily asks who did it, you tell him it was Severus Snape. Because you don't care anymore.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life.