Disclaimer: Why can't they be mine? "Hey Dicky boy would you give me them for Christmas?"
"No." Darn then I guess they're still his…
Summary: I'm still into the whole Alex as Emily thing but this time I'd like to do one from Olivia's perspective…
Butterflies.
Ever since Elliot and I were sent to meet Alex for the last time I haven't felt whole.
I couldn't even kiss her goodbye…
It tore me apart to know that I may never see her again.
All I could do was stand and cry as they drove her away.
Although I couldn't kiss her I did hold her for what may have seemed an inappropriately long time.
For me it wasn't anywhere near enough…
During this time she slipped something into my pocket.
Once alone I took it out.
It was wrapped in a thin white handkerchief.
It was a week before I finally had the courage to open it.
I burst into tears at the sight before me when I did.
It was a small blue butterfly pendant on a silver chain.
I held it close to my heart.
Part of its wing had been snapped.
Alex had broken her necklace in half and given me the chain.
This way I'd always have a part of her.
I'd given her the necklace the night I'd first told her I loved her.
She'd never taken it off since.
I don't know how long I'd sat in bed with that necklace.
Soon enough it was daybreak.
Every day since then I've visited Alex's grave.
I know that she's not really in there but it's the closest thing I have apart from the necklace.
Every time Cragen or Elliot would ask me why I went I'd tell them:
"Because someone needs to."
Really it's because I need her and I try telling myself that she needs me too.
As I sit at her "grave" and hold the pendant to my heart I convince myself that she's wearing hers too.
That she's thinking of me, needing me.
Blue butterflies were always Alex's favourite.
She always considered butterflies to be beautiful and that blue ones were the most beautiful of them all.
Alex was my blue butterfly.
As I sit at her grave today I see 2 blue butterflies hovering a few metres away.
No matter how many tears I've shed I can't help but smile now.
It's a sign from Alex.
She's telling me that she's o.k., that she's happy, that she misses me, that she loves me…
At least that's what it means to me.
Although I can and have shed 7,000 tears over her at least I can say that we had a million good memories.
I know that she'll come back to me one day.
I'll always be waiting.