Accumulation of Oddities
She didn't know why she wasn't dead right now. God, that was a weird thing to say, but boy was it the truth. Lord knows what had made her ignore protocol, but she knew she would be getting an earful from Broyles later. Of course, if she hadn't, that stack of cement blocks would have crushed her and Broyles wouldn't have anyone to yell at, period. Life in Fringe division just gets weirder every day, thought Olivia as she took off her shoes, stepping into her house. Sighing, she relaxed a little, shrugging off her jacket and hung it by the door. Automatically, her hand reached up to the back of her to pull her hair out of a pony-tail. Stopping mid-motion, Olivia's eyes narrowed in confusion. Now why would she do that? It had been ages since she had put her hair up. She had always had a distinct distaste for the feel of it, and liked her hair down so she could hide her eyes.
Shaking off the feeling, she stepped inside the doorway, knowing her boyfriend wouldn't be back from the workplace yet. Walking into the living room towards the kitchen, she noticed the packed bags by the couch. Olivia smiled, thinking of how she had seen this moment coming ever since the smallpox breakout was on the news. Frank was a leading specialist in the Center of Disease Control, and Olivia knew a case like this would be irresistible to him. However, he would be reluctant to leave her so soon after her mental breakdown, and would need some prodding out the door. Again, like she had so often in the past so many days, she tried to remember exactly where she had been before she had snapped and what had triggered it. But again, like before, she could remember nothing except for a lingering feeling of unease.
Lately, her life had been weirder than normal. First, it was just little things that did seem to make sense to her. Like the days when she woke up next to Frank and was surprised to see him there, or how she had forgotten her security clearance code for a minute in the office. John felt out of place, seeing Charlie made her want to cry, and Olivia even found herself smiling at Astrid, who never smiled at anyone or anything. All of this would happen for a split second, and then the feeling would be gone, leaving her standing there wondering what the hell she was doing. It was just an accumulation of little things, things that felt out of place. The others put it down to her breakdown and just went on with their day, but it left Olivia feeling scared and alone.
Walking into the kitchen, Olivia took a glass from the kitchen cabinet above her. She was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she didn't come back to herself until the bottle of whiskey was in her had. Staring at the innocuous bottle, Olivia felt a wave of confusion. Why would I pick this up? Olivia thought, staring at the bottle glinting in the sunlight. She didn't even know they had a bottle in the house. Olivia hated the taste of alcohol, and could never stand to drink it. So why was she standing in her kitchen, holding a cup and a bottle of whiskey she hadn't even known she owned? Putting the cup down with shaking hands, Olivia placed the bottle back in the cupboard she had unearthed it from. Pacing the length of the kitchen, she couldn't seem to settle down. All these little differences, all the things were adding up in a big pile and she knew what had started to tip the scale. It was those hallucinations she kept on having. It wasn't even normal hallucinations (if there was such a thing); it was hallucinations of people who didn't make any sensed. I mean, Olivia thought as she ran a hand through her hair, the Secretary of Defense and his son? It didn't make any sense at all! She barely knew both of them, and had met the Secretary's son a grand total of once. Of all the people to hallucinate about, why them?
Her phone rang into the stillness, making her jump and cutting off her train of thought. Turning it on, she said tentatively, "Hello? Who is this?"
"Geez Liv, forget how to use caller ID?" came Charlie's voice from the other end, and a thought sprang almost unbidden to her lips; you're not dead. She almost spoke it aloud, before catching herself. The sudden relief and joy faded away, becoming just a memory until the next time it happened.
"Hey, Liv, you still there? Or did you forget how to talk into a phone, too?" came Charlie's voice, still speaking into her ear. Olivia took a breath to calm herself before answering.
"Ha ha. Very funny Charlie. I had a mental breakdown, not amnesia," she countered, trying to make her voice sound normal. Of course, this was Charlie, so it did nothing to help her.
"Seriously, you okay Liv? You don't sound all that hot," came Charlie's voice from the other end of the phone.
"Yeah, I'm fine," said Olivia with a smile that he didn't see, once again running a hand through her hair. "Just a little tired after today's mess, that's all."
"I heard about that. Think you're above the city's laws now, do you? Maybe I should come down to your house and deflate that big fat head of yours."
Olivia laughed a real laugh, shaking her head. "Watch it, worm boy. If anyone's head needed deflating, it would be yours. Scratch that, it'd be Lincoln's. He almost didn't make it back to the burn tank today because he thought he was invincible," Olivia said teasingly, a mischievous glint in her eye.
"Hey, as long as it isn't me," laughed Charlie from his end of the phone. "It's good to have you back, Liv. We were real worried about you for a while. You know, while you were running around the city like a crazy person?"
"Yeah, well," said Olivia uneasily. "You still owe me that money, Francis, so don't think you're getting off easy."
"Dang! I was hoping you wouldn't remember that. Anyway, I have to go, the cats are calling me. There're the only company I have in this big, empty house, so the least I can do is feed them on time," said Charlie a little bitterly. Charlie had a girlfriend by the name of Sonia. They had been pretty happy together, but after the worm incident their relationship had fallen apart. She packed her bags and left a month later. Charlie was still real broken up about it, because he'd had his heart set on marrying the girl. As a gift, Olivia and Lincoln had both gotten him a cat to keep him company in his now empty house.
"Hey. If need anything, just give me a call, okay? And I mean that, anything at all," said Olivia, concerned. She didn't like the fact that there were some things she couldn't protect her friends from.
"Nah, it's cool, Liv. Don't worry about me. Worry about yourself and get better, okay?" said Charlie, and Olivia could almost hear the smile on his face.
"Sure thing," said Olivia, fighting down her own anxieties and hurts. There was no need to burden her already-burdened friend. "I'll see you at work."
There was a long pause at the other end of the line, before Charlie said, "You know, you're gonna be fine, right? That breakdown must have been scary, but you'll beat it like you beat everything else. So don't worry, okay?"
Olivia felt sadness stab her like a knife at his words. It was like all she could hear were 'you're gonna be fine', screening everything else out. She tasted something funny in her mouth and all of a sudden she saw…a notepad? A grave? Nothing made any sense anymore.
"Okay," Olivia said, feeling her voice break a little. "Bye, Charlie."
"See you," said Charlie, and the line went dead.
Olivia sat down on the bed and put her face in her hands, strangely trying to fight back tears. It took a while to fight down the impulse, but when she did Olivia couldn't move. So she sat on the bed, trying to sort out her life. That is where Frank found her, a half an hour later, as he walked in with a suitcase in each hand.
"Hey, Liv. How are you feeling?" asked Frank cheerfully, excited about the viral breakout. Schooling her face, Olivia looked up with a smile and said, "Fine. Are you going to the small pox breakout?"
"Maybe," he said, sitting down next to her on the bed. "I'm kind of worried about leaving you, though. You're just recovering from this breakdown, and I don't want to leave you alone if you need me here."
Olivia decided right then that telling him about today was out of the question. This shocked her, as she never kept anything from Frank, but he really wanted to go to this thing of his. She didn't feel right spoiling that for him. "I'm alright, really," she said with her best smile on. "I know how much your job means to you, and I don't want you to miss something like that. I'll be alright on my own. If anything happens, I'll call you or someone from the office." Liar, the voice in the back of her head told her. You're already keeping things from them. But she ignored the feeling that told her this was wrong and went ahead anyway. It was for the best, both for her and Frank. She could deal with her problems on her own.
"If you're sure," said Frank with a very unsure look on his own face. Hearing a chime, he said, "That's probably my cab. I love you, and I'll be home before you know it." He pulled her into a hug, and Olivia rested in his arms, feeling strangely ill at ease. Something in her was screaming 'this is not right!', and she had no clue where it had come from. This is crazy, she thought to herself. It's Frank! I've known I loved him for years now! Where did this uncertainty come from? Breaking the embrace, Frank smiled at Olivia before walking away, closing the door behind him. Seconds later she heard the cab door slam shut, and the driver pull away from the curb.
Olivia sighed miserably. God, things couldn't get any worse, could they? Glancing up, she saw the Secretary's son step out from the corner of the room, and revised that thought. Things can always get worse. Looking at him, something in her seemed to sing. Peter. She seemed transfixed, unable to look away.
He slowly took a step forward, moving out of the shadow and into the light. "You know why you didn't die today, don't you?" he said softly, treading without a sound over her carpeted floor. Olivia quivered a little but was still, unable to move in his presence. The look on his face, the sound of his voice, even his form seemed familiar. And his eyes, his eyes were so deep and warm and pained she didn't think she could ever look away. Olivia was spell-struck, falling into those twin pools of hurt and tenderness.
"It was because you didn't know the protocol," he continued, his black trench coat falling around him while his hands rested casually in his pockets. "You did something he could not anticipate; therefore, you didn't die. It's for the same reason you thought you saw Walter in the hospital; the same reason you think you're seeing me now. You don't belong here, Olivia. You're not from this world."
He looked so wounded, so gentle, that she almost couldn't breathe. But then her fast FBI mind put together what she was seeing and what he was saying. "You're not real," she breathed through the fog in her brain and the rapid beating of her heart. He was just another hallucination, another mistake at the office, another puzzle piece that didn't add up to the rest of her life. Just another oddity in an accumulation of oddities. This man, this Peter, standing before her was the pinnacle of what was going wrong in her life. But strangely she couldn't fault him for that.
This Peter, the Peter her mind had created, looked her in the eye. He smiled, and Olivia thought it was the saddest smile she had ever seen. It broke her inside, broke her heart just to see it on his normally-happy (how did she know that?) face. Through the pain in her chest, Olivia looked at him with his sad smile on his face, and heard him say, "Real is just a matter of perception." He had a twist on his lips that was a small smile, but his eyes were crying. Just like Olivia was crying, as she felt a tear trickle down the side of her face. On one level, she didn't understand why this could affect her so much, but on another she did. His pain was her pain, and her pain was his. That the way it had always been. Suddenly, Olivia wanted to grab her head and scream. Where were these thoughts coming from? Why did she feel like this? But he stepped closer, almost close enough to touch now, and she couldn't move an inch.
"But I'm here," he said, moving so close she almost couldn't breathe, "Because this is a part of what you have to hold on to. You can't forget who you are, Olivia." He leaned down, and Olivia felt like her heart might knock its way through her chest. His eyes, his eyes that were hurt and healing, stared down at her from above her face. "You can't forget this," he murmured, and leaned down to take her lips in a kiss. Olivia had almost expected his to break apart when he touched her, or to have the insubstantial touch of a ghost. But his lips were warm, and so was the hand that reached up to hold her cheek. All the breath in her body left as she kissed him back, with a fierceness that was almost pain. Olivia trembled hard, from the memories that danced just out of reach, sliding through her hands like water or moonbeams. But the feelings came through, intense feelings of belonging and the sensation of being wanted spreading throughout her body, lighting her up from within. Feeling him draw away, her eyes shot open in panic. Where was he going? The kiss was broken and he smiled one last broken-hearted smile. Then he was gone, and the room seemed smaller without the feel of his presence.
She raised a hand to the air, almost as he could stop him from leaving. But she let it fall to the bed, dismayed at the silliness of her actions. He was gone anyway. No, she corrected herself, looking around the empty room. He was never here in the first place. But if he wasn't real, why did she miss his presence? And if this didn't mean anything, why did Olivia's heart feel like it was tearing itself to pieces? She huffed out a breath that sounded more like a sob. No. She wasn't going to think about this tonight. She would sleep this hallucination away, and deal with it in the morning.
But that night passed away with the shadow of sleep as Olivia lay there, mind racing long into the night. She didn't know what to do about her hallucination, but she couldn't dismiss what he was saying. Was she really not from here? Could she possibly be the other Olivia? These demons tormented long into the night. So she just stayed there, missing someone who was not Frank and feeling the beginning of a barrier start to crumble. And it was only in the morning, when the sun rose in the sky, that the silent tears stopped rolling down her face.