Author's Note: This is the first part of my new story, a series of oneshots detailing how the Gilmore clan react when, the fall after "Bon Voyage," Luke and Lorelai finally find themselves (somewhat unexpectedly) facing their middle a little sooner than planned. If you've read this story before (it used to be called "The End of the Circle" and is still called that if you head over to my page on Black & White & Read, where I am publishing my oneshots separately under the Series umbrella, "Where There's A Way"), you'll see that I was originally going to publish all of my oneshots separately. Well, a few things happened. First of all, what was supposed to be three oneshots turned into four, then five, and is slowly growing at a steady number (I don't know how many there will be when I'm down). Second of all, I decided that since doesn't have Series umbrellas, it would be too confusing for readers to see one of my oneshots and read it without really knowing the context from another one. So, I'm simply publishing all of my oneshots in this story to avoid confusion.
If you're asking, "What is a series of oneshots, anyway?", the truth is, I don't know yet! I'm well aware that the mention of that in my summary will probably turn a few people off, but I will tell you that this is going to chronological. It's still going to follow a consistent timeline and subplots, but the difference is, there will be more switching around of people's POV's and in-depth character studies than a normal chapter fiction, where the character studies would be more drawn out, instead of specifically fixated on. It's basically, I don't know, sort of like an expanded vignette or really weirdly experimental literary version of a story (haha, I sound pretentious, but the truth is, I don't know what the heck this is either!). While going in a chronological order, each chapter (or oneshot) will focus on one of the Gilmore characters dealing with the situation at hand, while also moving the story further. Make sense? No? Well, you're just gonna have to read to see. Chances are, the bigger the Gilmore characters were on the show, the more likely they will be to have more than oneshot around them. This is primarily Lorelai and Luke's story, so it will focus on them as most; Rory will also have a lot of screentime, simply because she's Rory! So far, I'm thinking that characters like Emily, Richard, and April will also get a chapter to reflect on things (for all of those who came primarily because of the mild Lit thing, Jess probably won't have his own POV chapter, but he WILL be there starting in the fourth story to comment on Rory's end of things). It might not primarily be in said character's POV, but they will have a section of it to talk about what they're feeling. Each chapter is going to be titled by the character whose feelings are being reflected. I SWEAR, this will all make more sense when you read it!
As I referenced it in the author's note of my story, "Star's Cross Lovers," this is also SOMEWHAT of a prequel to that story (more will become clear when the last chapter of that is posted). I'm really not very original, so most of my post series stories (with the exception of "Love and Peace and Snow") will basically detail the same basic timeline that happens after the show...ie, Lucy and Will. You definitely don't have to read that one to understand this, as it's primarily fluff and VERY different in tone, but just fyi. Given the title, I think you can all get a pretty good idea of just "what" event it is that everyone is reacting to in this story. ;) Haha, aren't I clever with titles? ;)
Also, I'm not sure how factually accurate I have some of this, so to conclude this epically long chapter, if you could answer these questions in your review, I'll be grateful: (1) When approximately is Sookie's due date for her third child? (2) How many kids does Mia have anyway (is it stated)? Just John? (3) Forgive me if I've gotten any facts wrong about Mia and Howard...I haven't actually SEEN that episode yet; I've only read the transcript. Since I also don't understand why the wedding takes place in North Carolina in Mia lives in California (right?) and am not sure if Mia moved, I'm just going to say she didn't. Cause for the purpose of my story, it works a lot better if Mia lives in California. :)
And on with the show!
Lorelai
She suddenly realizes that only she can decide whether this situation will be like last time; whether she'll finally have the whole package or whether her second child will also grow up without a father.
Life is a circle. You walk and walk and walk to the other side, determined to show the world you have grown up and moved on after all, but every so often, something will trip you up. It is then that you find that what you thought was a clear path is really a circle and now you are face-to-face with the past you thought you left behind.
As she takes the stick out of her purse, for a single instant, Lorelai Gilmore is not sure whether she is in 2007 or 1984.
Last time. Last time, she was sitting in the bathroom at school after hours, praying desperately that nobody would come in. It was a few days after the infamous coming out dress didn't fit, and after the stick did turn pink, Lorelai's prime concern was hiding the stick and depositing it in a place where nobody would find it. School wasn't an option, so instead, she went to a nearby street corner and placed it in the first trash can she found. It took a few days before she got up the courage to tell Christopher, let alone anyone else.
This time, things are different. For one thing, she is thirty-nine-years-old, a far cry from the almost sixteen-year-old that she was. She took the test in the privacy of her room, and though she still has taken great care that nobody sees it, it is not her classmates she is worried about, but her nosy town. Still, two very important facts remain the same. One, she is still not married. And two, though the circumstances are completely different, she has not yet not shared the news with the father.
Lorelai quickly places the stick back into her purse when the door opens. She clears her throat, as she finds herself meeting a familiar set of soft blue eyes. "H-hi."
For a moment, the two women can only stare at each other, Lorelai taking in the newly married, elder woman who took her in so many years ago. Lorelai knows she is being observed too: the coat on her shoulders, to protect her from the October air; the frayed blue jeans she is wearing; her unkempt hair; and most of all, her enormous suitcase pulled behind her, which states, without so many words, that she is not sure how long she is staying or when she is coming back.
But although Lorelai knows this elder woman notices all of these things about her, she has always been blessed with the gift of knowing exactly what Lorelai needs. So, instead of giving her a lecture or asking questions as anyone else would have done, Mia pulls her into a hug. Lorelai melts into it, feeling extremely grateful that she has Mia in her life.
"I missed you," she whispers.
Last time. Last time, the first thing she did as soon as she threw the test away, was go into a nearby record shop. It was a shop that her parents would have fiercely disapproved of, a shop Christopher and she had gone into many times before-a shop that the present day Lane would be obsessed with. Lorelai would have been afraid of running into Christopher here, but for the moment she knew that her boyfriend was safely squared away at lacrosse practice. For once, she was grateful that he played that particular sport.
She was scanning through the rock sections to find a C.D.-she hadn't decided on what-when Lorelai felt someone's attention was on her. She turned around to find a woman, who was clearly one of the employees, looking at her. She had to be new, judging from the fact that Lorelai had never seen her around before. She was in her mid-twenties, had bright red hair and polka dot stilettos, and was normally someone Lorelai would have struck up a conversation with. Today, Lorelai's heart beat quicker, realizing all too well that more likely than not, when she was this woman's age, she would be the mother of a ten-year-old.
"Can I help you?" the woman asked, oblivious to Lorelai's thoughts.
Lorelai swallowed hard, reminding herself that there was no way this woman could see through her. "No, uh, I was just looking. Looking for what, I don't know, but just looking. You know." She smiled widely at the woman, her cheeks flaming from what she was sure had been a display of idiocy. Dammit, Gilmore. Sometimes you just don't know when to shut up!
If the woman, however, thought that she was an idiot, she did not say so. "Do you like any music in particular?" she asked.
"Well, uh, everything, really. Bono, I went through a Paul Anka period when I was younger, I recently got into the Bangles, your classic boy bands, as long as they've got some cute members…I'm not too picky. " She suddenly realized that lusting after celebrities was probably a no-no now that she was probably condemned to spend the rest of her life with Christopher. The thought made her draw in her breath quickly, as a fact suddenly became clear to her: she was not in love with him. She enjoyed being his girlfriend, sure, but she was not in love with him, at least not in an Alex/Nick Flashdance sort of way.
The woman chuckled, and Lorelai realized again how she looked like from the outside. While she had undoubtedly gained some weight in the last few months, she did not yet look pregnant. The woman probably assumed she was just an average, boy crazy, teenager-rich, considering her prep school uniform-and definitely not grappling with such an adult decision. "I'm doing all right, though," Lorelai said quickly, suddenly not wanting to get into a whole discussion. "I mean…it's true I don't know exactly what I'm looking for, but that's half the fun of being here, you know? Just being spontaneous and looking. So you definitely don't have to recommend anything, cause I'm pretty fine right now." She made a display of looking at her invisible watch. "In fact, I probably have to go now, so…"
The woman looked even more amused. Lorelai was startled to feel tears welling up in her eyes. Suddenly, more than anything else in the world, she wished that she were the carefree teenager that the woman thought she was. She would have given up everything to have the life she'd had only a few hours before, even if it meant being forced into the future that her parents wanted for her and not getting to follow her own dreams. If only she had that choice.
She forced another smile and turned away, and eventually, the woman got the message and left her alone. Once she was sure the woman was out of view, Lorelai wiped her eyes. She stayed in the aisle, keeping her tears at bay for a few moments, the feeling of gravity firmly beneath her feet.
It all started, if Lorelai was to be honest, with the birth of Sookie's and Jackson's third (and truly final) child. Daisy Julia Belleville, who had the same first name as one of Martha's many middle names and the same middle name as the legendary Julia Child's first name, was a small baby, with light brown hair and blue eyes. She had a calmer disposition than either of her siblings and easily slept through the night. Sookie, in spite of her initial misgivings after finding out that she was pregnant, couldn't stop smiling whenever the subject of her youngest came up. The rest of Stars Hallow was charmed, too.
It was when she visited Sookie at the hospital and saw her family crowded around her-Jackson staring lovingly at his wife; Daisy, safe in Sookie's arms; and Davey and Martha, eager to meet their new sister-that the biggest ache began to form within her. She had tried not to think about it before, but now the fact that she was almost forty-years-old hit her hard. Thirty-nine-years-old. Not the fifteen-year-old girl she had been when she'd gotten pregnant, but a mere year away from forty. Her biological clock was ticking down, and if she wanted any chance at a more conventional family, then she would have to act fast. There were no two ways about it. Time was running out.
Now, Lorelai stares up at the ceiling in the guest room Mia set her up in. She knows that Mia is curious about her, and that even if Mia is able to put her curiosity at bay, her husband, Howard, surely isn't, but for once, Lorelai finds that she doesn't care. Running away has never felt more alluring. Even Rory's and her road trip to Harvard did not produce the same feeling of relief. No, instead Lorelai feels just as liberated as she did during her first night at the potting shed, the infant Rory asleep in a crib a few feet away. She has come to Mia sooner this time, and it is Star Hallows she has left, instead of gone to, but that is no matter. She is with Mia now, and there are more similarities than differences.
Burying herself into her blanket, Lorelai realizes that this is the first Friday night she and-and he have not spent together. After Rory left, it became a ritual; have dinner with the parents, then go the diner and spend the night in his apartment. She wonders if he's worried about her, if her mother has somehow told him about her vague excuse of why she had to miss dinner, but quickly pushes this aside. It wasn't like they ever observed their standing date. Like so many things between the two of them-Too many things, she finds herself thinking-their standing date was unspoken.
After taking a deep breath, Lorelai closes her eyes. For now, she is safe, and she can take on the adult worries tomorrow.
Long ago-not as long ago as her last memory had been, but long ago, all the same-she and Rory lay in their beds in the potting shed, the darkness of night surrounding them. Although Lorelai felt guilty that she couldn't give Rory everything she deserved, she also knew that Rory did not know how different her home life was. For the nine-year-old, every night was a sleepover, and a part of Lorelai never wanted her to know any differently.
"Mommy," said Rory, the tiny silhouette of her body turning towards her, "do you think you'll ever get married someday? Maybe not to Dad, but to someone?"
Lorelai was startled by the question. Rory's reference to her father was surprise enough, as the subject of Rory's absent father was generally left unspoken between them. But Rory's question itself was a surprise of a whole different level. She had thought that Rory had enjoyed it being just the two of them, but now she wondered whether she had made the right decision in not marrying Christopher. She knew Rory's questions hadn't specified her father specifically, but she also wondered if her daughter missed having a father figure in her life. As hard as Lorelai tried, she had enough trouble being a mother, without adding the pressure of needing to compensate for Rory's lack of father figure to the mix.
"Well, I don't know," she said, trying to turn her answer into a joke. "I'm hardly old enough to have an eight-year-old daughter, so I still think I have plenty of time before I have to worry about becoming an old maid."
"I don't mean that I'm not happy with the two of us," said Rory quickly, seeming to sense her mother's apprehension. "I just think it would be really cool to have a little sister-or brother even, but I think a sister would be better."
"Well," said Lorelai, trying to ignore the fact that her daughter had picked up on the fact that children generally followed marriage, not the other way around, "maybe someday."
Years later, Rory would have the little sister she always wanted in the form of Gigi-the little sister she probably didn't want anymore. She was Christopher's daughter, though, and although that gave Rory and Gigi a claim genetically, Lorelai also knows that this was not the kind of sibling Rory meant. No, Rory meant a sister that would grow up with her, a sibling that would not be too far apart from age from herself…a child that belonged to Lorelai, not to Chris.
When she wakes up the next morning, Lorelai's first thought is not of the current situation she has found herself in or even how her daughter will react to the news. Instead, she finds herself wondering about her next child's gender and whether the two will ever be as close as she and Rory.
True to Lorelai's suspicions, Mia does not ask what she is doing there the next morning. Howard starts to ask a couple of times, but Mia quickly silences him with a glance. Instead, they make small talk. Mia tells her about married life, and Lorelai updates her on all of the doings of Stars Hallow and the Dragonfly Inn. She speaks with elaborate detail, hoping to prevent Mia from asking anything else about her life.
The subject of the L-word does not come up. Lorelai is not sure if Mia is purposefully making an effort to avoid talking about him or whether she genuinely does not know the two are back together. While Lorelai and Mia make an effort to talk on the phone as much as possible, time inevitably gets away from them. For her part, Lorelai can't remember if she and Mia last talked before Rory's graduation party or after it.
That night, Lorelai checks her phone for the first time since she left. There is a voice mail from her mother, asking about rescheduling Friday night dinner, and also one from Sookie, as well as Babette, who no doubt noticed that the lights were off in her house. She ignores the one from a certain someone without listening to it. Her heart speeds up, however, when she sees a voice mail from Rory. Rory, completely oblivious to her mother's departure, rambles on about the campaign and asks how things are at home. She sounds so happy that Lorelai's heart aches.
She cradles the phone in her hands for a long time after listening to Rory's message. Lying to her friends and even to him is one thing; lying to Rory is quite another. The only time she can remember that she kept something from Rory was after her second engagement, and that was because she and Rory were not speaking to each other at the time. She has never kept such a big secret from Rory when the two weren't fighting.
She wants desperately to call Rory and to tell her the truth, but she knows she can't. For one thing, Mia might overhear, and that is something she doesn't want to deal with right now. And for another, she doesn't want to listen to what Rory will say. She knows her daughter will encourage her to do the right thing, and Lorelai is not in the mood for a lecture right now. She knows what she should do, but for her own sake, she also needs to be here in order to keep her sanity at bay.
So instead she texts Rory a lighthearted message, telling her she's sorry she missed her call, before turning off her phone. Still, it is with a heavy heart that she falls asleep.
Christopher is here, standing only a few inches behind her. Lorelai instinctively finds herself tensing at the man who caused so much strain between she and Luke. When he speaks, his tenor voice floats into her ear. "What are you doing, Lor?"
"W-what do you mean?" Lorelai asks, too stunned to come up with a better response.
"I mean this." Christopher motions around them, where they are standing on Mia's doorstep. It is around the same time of day as when Lorelai first arrived. His voice becomes louder. "Lor, you're thirty-nine-years-old. I know the reason things didn't work out between the two of us is because you were still in love with him-are still in love with him-so what the hell are you doing now? Even with us being barely sixteen at the time, you at least had the decency to tell me that you were pregnant. I mean, I can sorta understand your reluctance to get married to me then, but you're an adult woman, Lorelai. You're almost forty. This-what you're doing…it isn't you. Sure you have that tendency to run all the time, but you're not like the mother of Luke's other kid. At least, I thought you weren't."
"That isn't what this is about!" Lorelai exclaims, whipping around to glare at him. "And I'm nothing like Anna, so don't you dare make that comparison! It's just that Luke and I were so happy together, so set on taking things slow, that I can't risk going through the pain of last time and messing things up again. I don't want him to marry me because he has to; I want him to marry me because he wants to. Maybe the process of going slow isn't something you can understand with the way things happened in Paris, but trust me, it's important to me."
Christopher's expression changes from anger to hurt. She frowns, unsure what she said, when he startles her by reaching out to touch her arm. "Lor, you can put everything that happened between us last year on me, but we both know that isn't the truth," Christopher says quietly. "You were the one who agreed and who ran to me in the first place…the end of your relationship was your fault, not mine."
Before Lorelai can say anything else, she is startled by another tap on her shoulder. This time, when she turns around, it is Rory, though the Rory before her looks closer to sixteen than newly twenty-three. At the same time, she is wearing an Obama shirt with a picture of the American flag on it, which the sixteen-year-old Rory would have never worn. "Rory, what are you doing here?" Lorelai says, hugging her, not giving her appearance much mind. "I thought you were supposed to be in Detroit or St. Paul or something…"
It is only when Lorelai steps away from the embrace that she notices the distant expression on Rory's face. "I was going to, but Dad told me about this," she says, motioning in Christopher's direction, but when Lorelai follows her daughter's gaze, she finds he has mysteriously disappeared. Looking back at Rory, Lorelai is startled to see the steely harshness in Rory's eyes. "Honestly, Mom…what are you doing?"
"W-what are you talking about?" Lorelai stammered, stunned by the harshness her daughter is showing her.
"I mean this!" Rory motions around at Mia's doorstep and then at Lorelai's suitcase, leaning up against Mia's door. Her blue eyes begin to fill with tears. "It's not that I don't understand why you couldn't settle with Dad after I was born or even that I regret any bit of my childhood, but this is completely different! It's Luke, Mom! Luke! Don't you realize how many times when I was growing up that I wished Luke was my father? When he brought over all those mashed potatoes when I had chicken pox, barely knowing me at the time, or made me birthday coffee cake or even just was there when you were at work and I went to the diner to do homework and just needed someone to talk to? Do you have any idea the envy that ran through me when I found out about April, knowing that as good as Luke was to me, I wasn't his daughter, and I'd never really have that?" Rory blinks as her tears overflow. "I know I seem steady and rational all the time and that I'm good at putting my own feelings about your relationships out of the equation when you're hurting, but I don't think you understand just how much I love Luke, too. And as jealous as I am, if there's the possibility that this kid could grow up with Luke and have him in all the ways I or even April couldn't…well, you just can't do this to him, Mom! I know you're scared, but goddammit, you need to grow up and stop running away!" A tear falls down her cheek. "I know I'm supposed to be on your side about this because you're my mother and Luke's not even my stepfather yet, but I swear, Mom, if you do this, I won't be able to help it. I'll hate you! And I guarantee that someday when the baby knows better, he or she is gonna hate you too."
It is after these words that Lorelai finds herself sitting up in bed, her face drenched in sweat and her heart pounding. "Christopher?" she whispers, then glances at her cell phone, which is still turned off, on her nightstand. "R-Rory?" Before she knows what she is doing, she is turning the cell phone on and checking for new messages. A text from Rory pops up on her screen. No problem, Mom. I'll talk to ya soon-I miss you! XOXOXOX.
These words are the final catalyst for Lorelai's tears. She finds herself sobbing as her nightmare plays in her mind over and over again. While she knows that this was just a dream, she also knows that if Rory were to find out what she is doing, she would echo the exact same words she spoke in the dream. Rory really does love Luke. And although most of the time, Rory is good about saying exactly what Lorelai wants to hear, there are also times when Rory's own feelings on the matter get in the way-especially when someone else Rory loves is also at stake. She suddenly realizes that only she can decide whether this situation will be like last time; whether she'll finally have the whole package or whether her second child will also grow up without a father. The realization chills her, and more tears follow.
Lorelai has just decided that the best solution will be to cry herself to sleep, when she is startled by the creaking of her bedroom door. She looks up to see Mia coming in, dressed in a white nightgown, the hallway light on behind her. Mia motions to the foot of Lorelai's bed. "May I come in?"
Lorelai nods, still crying, too confused to speak.
"I heard you crying," Mia says once a few moments have passed, after she has closed the door and sat down. "Howard, bless him, slept right through it, but years of raising my kids and having my grandkids in the house has taught me better. The same thing even happened with you, once you were staying in one of the rooms in the Inn before you and Rory moved to the potting shed. I had left my purse in one of the hallways, and I passed your door and heard crying. When I opened the door, I found you snuggled in a little ball with tears in your eyes, Rory sleeping peacefully in a crib a few feet away. Do you remember?"
Lorelai nods, recalling the memory. It was her first night at the inn, and although Rory managed to fall asleep without crying, she was not able to. In a crackly voice, she says, "Yes. I remember."
Mia glances at the cell phone in Lorelai's laps. Softly, she says, "I don't suppose you've talked to him yet, have you?"
Lorelai's head snaps up. "How do you know about that?"
Mia touches her arm. "Lorelai dear, I've always known. I know the two of us didn't talk about your breakup or even your relationship much, but of course I knew what was going on between you two. Why don't you think I invited Luke to my wedding to begin with? He's just as dear to me as you are. I was going to, but then I let something slip about it in a phone call to Rory, and she advised me not to. I think that's when I really realized that you and Luke truly had what Howard and me had, if you were still hurting after all that time."
She puts up her hand when Lorelai opens her mouth to protest. "Now I'm not saying that the two of you weren't civil to each other at the same time or that you would have been able to be in the same room, but what I also knew-and what Rory knew too-is that being at a wedding with Luke would have been too much for you, even if you tried to deny it. You love him, Lorelai. I think you always have. And I knew, even without confirmation, that it was only a matter of time before you two put away your stubbornness and got back together again. Neither of you deserve to be in the pain of being apart."
Lorelai lets this register, realizing that she hadn't told Mia that she and Luke were better, after all. The realization makes her feel incredibly guilty. She also realizes that during the last few years, her mother has known more about her own life than Mia has. It is a strange acknowledgement, and she is not sure whether she likes it or not.
Her voice still weak, Lorelai says, "If you didn't think that Luke and I loved each other until just before your wedding, then you're the only one who thought so. I mean, if you listen to Babette and Miss Patty, we've been in love with each other since the day we met."
"Oh, I wouldn't go as far to say that," Mia says, smiling at her. "I know that Luke has been special in your life for a long time, and though it might have taken you longer to come to terms with your feelings, he's always cared about you a great deal. All I meant is that it wasn't until before my wedding that I really realized how permanent your love for him really is."
Lorelai nods, too tired to fully take this in. Glancing at the calm, kind expression on Mia's face, Lorelai has the sudden suspicion Mia knows even more than she thought. Quietly, she says, "You know why I'm here, don't you…why I can't tell Luke in the first place."
Very slowly, Mia nods. "But how?" Lorelai asks, feeling unnerved that Mia is able to read her so well when so often, she can't even read herself. She thinks of the pregnancy test still stashed in her purse. "I mean, you don't know for sure, do you?"
"No, I don't," says Mia kindly, "but I think I have a good idea." At Lorelai's lingering confusion, she places a hand on her arm.
"Lorelai, I've known you since Rory was a mere infant-since you were just seventeen-years-old-and after knowing you for so long, I've grown to read you very well. I know that there is only one reason you would run away to me without telling anyone, as I know you've done; you're afraid. If someone had done something to you that truly warranted you being scared or something had happened with your mother or even Rory, I know you would have started explaining things the moment I answered the door. But since you haven't so much as given Howard or me a hint about why you're here, I know you're scared for another reason. The reason you're here is because you're scared and confused by your feelings, and in some ways, that fear is even worse than if you'd had a fight with Rory. You're good at communicating when it comes with other people, Lorelai, but sometimes, you have trouble communicating with yourself."
After gaging Lorelai's reaction, Mia continues speaking in a softer tone. "Sookie called me after she had the new baby. I'm afraid I'm not quite as skilled in reading you as I might have pretended to be; I asked about you, and that's when she told me that you and Luke were back together. It was only then that I realized how conflicted you must be feeling, after your best friend had just had her third child in a stable marriage and you still half wishing that Luke's child was also yours." She lifts Lorelai's chin up, so that Lorelai finds herself looking at her. "I know you, Lorelai. After having Rory-though of course that was not a mistake, since we both know that Rory is the best thing that happened to you-there's no way you wouldn't take as many precautions as you could. The only way something like this happened is if you let it-if perhaps by playing with fire, you were subconsciously hoping to find yourself in this very situation, all along."
At the realization that Mia really does know, after all, Lorelai finds her eyes filling with tears again. Even after so many years, she still does not know how she has been so lucky to have been graced with Mia in her life. "You're right; I probably was asking for it," Lorelai says softly, confirming Mia's theory. "I mean, it wasn't that I meant to miss so many pills or even that I expected myself to find myself right here, but I know what Rory's told me about the subconscious and Freud. I'm sure that a part of me was trying to get pregnant with Luke's baby, all along." She speaks very quietly. "I guess that maybe I was afraid of being slow, all along."
"What am I going to do?" she asks suddenly, looking at Mia with wide eyes. "Luke trusted me to take care of this. He trusted me. We both agreed to take things slow, and I messed up everything." She pauses, as the extent of her fear washes over her. "I-I don't want to screw things up again-I don't know how I would deal with that. I need him, Mia. I need him like I've never needed anyone else before, and I don't want things to be like last time. I can't handle that again."
Although she meant that she could not handle another breakup, she realizes from the sympathetic look Mia is giving her that subconsciously, she must have also meant that she can't handle raising another child alone. The realization that she has once again let her subconscious get the better of her leaves her feeling angry and confused. She hates not even feeling in control of her own emotions anymore. Mia, however, does not press. Instead, she takes Lorelai into her arms and holds her until she falls asleep.
The next morning, Mia and Lorelai do not bring up their late night conversation. Their conversations are free and casual, and even Howard does not eye Lorelai in the same curious way as before. After wondering if Mia told him everything, Lorelai is surprised to realize that she does not care. Following her meltdown the last night-a meltdown that rivals the very famous Meltdown in the Park-Lorelai finds herself too tired to feel anything.
Howard and Mia go out alone that night, muttering something about a prior commitment they cannot back out of, but Lorelai is too engrossed in her own feelings to sense any ulterior motives. Truth be told, she is glad for some time alone. She even finds herself calling Rory and listening to her update on life on the campaign trail. Rory, willfully, has not heard about Lorelai's trip, and Lorelai does not offer any details, either. While a part of her wants to unburden herself by telling Rory everything, Rory's disappointment be damned, she also senses that this would not be the wisest move. A big part of the reason Luke's and her relationship deteriorated before is because of their lack of communication, and while Lorelai knows she has already screwed things up with how she handled this, she also needs to tell Luke before she tells anyone else.
She is just watching Fried Green Tomatos on television and snacking on some pizza she ordered in when the doorbell rings. Lorelai frowns, aware that Mia and Howard have a key, but before she has time to react one way or another, the doorbell rings yet again. Fully prepared to find a strange woman Mia's age at the opposite end of the door, Lorelai could not be more surprised when she sees Luke.
Luke, however, does not look surprised to see her in the least. Clad in one of his oldest flannels that she recognizes from when she first met him, he barely pauses for breath after taking her in. "Lorelai, are you all right? I tried to get a flight earlier, but all of the other flights were booked, and then my flight ended up being delayed, but it was all I could do from jumping in the car and driving here as soon as Mia told me you were here. The only reason I didn't was because it would have taken longer to drive, but honestly, with my flight being delayed, I'm not sure anything would have taken longer than staying in that airport for three hours."
Lorelai takes in a breath, realizing that Mia must have called him. Of course she would have; who has she been kidding? She must look as guilty and ashamed as she feels, because as soon as Luke sees her expression, he tenses. "What? What is it, Lorelai? Oh my God, please don't tell me you went back to him. You-you can't do that, Lorelai! You can't just keep deciding that things are wrong between us without letting me know. Last year hurt me too, you know. It can't just be over again, goddammit! I have a say in this, too!"
"Luke," she says quietly, and this is enough to bring Luke back to earth. He looks at her for a few moments, before hanging his head.
"You're right," he says quietly. "I-I shouldn't just jump to conclusions like that. I trust you. You just have to understand, Lorelai"-and all of a sudden, his soft blue eyes are looking into hers, pleading-"you really scared me just now. Just please, tell me right now, because I've been waiting since Mia called me for almost a day now and longer if you count all the time you haven't returned my calls, and I can't stand worrying any longer."
She feels tears prickling in her eyes. Luke looks at her, surprised, as a few tears run down her cheeks. Instinctively, he reaches out to embrace her, but she steps away. "I'm not sure you should trust me," she says sadly. "I mean, it was nothing like that, and I really do want to be with you, but I left everything get all messed up, and-"
"Lorelai." This time, it is his words that bring her back to earth, and Lorelai sighs. Taking a deep breath, she forces herself to go ahead and say it.
"I'm pregnant."
Before she has a chance to see Luke's expression, Lorelai plunges into Luke's chest. She feels Luke's arms on his back, no doubt startled, but it is easier for Lorelai to not look at his face. She speaks before he has a chance to.
"I'm so sorry, Luke. God, I'm so, so sorry. I know you should have been the first person who knew, and if it makes you feel better, I didn't even tell Mia; she just guessed why I was here, and Rory doesn't know anything either, so technically you're the first person I told. I was just so set on taking things slow with you, but then, after Daisy was born, I got so confused, and I know you trusted me to take care of the protection, but it was weird, because I went off of it a little after Christopher, and my last birthday really wigged me out…I mean, I know I'm not forty yet, but I almost am, and this really doesn't have to change anything between us, except it will, but-"
"Lorelai," Luke says again, and when she looks up, she is surprised at the lack of resentment on his face. She expected him to be angry, but instead, the Luke before her is completely calm. Lifting her chin up so she is looking at him, Luke says, "We don't have to make any decisions tonight. It's okay."
Suddenly, he grasps her harder, and the tone in his voice becomes harsher. "Are you sure? That you are pregnant, I mean? Because, God, Lorelai, I don't think I could deal with that. Not speaking to you for a couple of days, then coming here without knowing why you're here…I don't think I'd be able to deal with getting my hopes up for nothing."
"I'm sure," she says softly. She is silent for a minute, taking in the way Luke's shoulders fall in relief.
"Well, good."
"Luke, I don't understand," she says, trying to search his face for any resemblance of anger. They are still standing outside Mia's doorstep, in the cool California night air. It isn't as dark as it would be back in Stars Hallow, but the night is still pretty dark. "Look at me, I screwed everything up. You trusted me, and not only did I betray that, but I took off running without as much as telling you. If it had been the other way around, I have been furious. So, how can you be saying that you're actually-happy about this?"
Luke sighs, and an ironic grin appears on his face. "I'm not saying that I'm happy with how you handled it or even that I'm not hurt or as scared as hell, maybe, but even before April, this was what I wanted. Hell, even before you saw me standing here, this was what I wanted-with you, I mean, even if I didn't want to admit it back then. Not the jam hands, but…this. Having someone I love carrying my baby, and getting to raise him or her together."
"You still want kids even though you have April?" Lorelai says, not even aware that she was concerned before she says it. Luke sighs again, and from the exhaustion on his face, she knows that they still have a long way to go before they can completely trust each other again.
"Lorelai, I love you," Luke says. "Maybe I was an ass about showing it last year, and it's true no kid will ever replace how I feel about April, but you have Rory; you know that. I didn't have the full experience last time, and I'm just glad I'm gonna have a second chance. I know that after this baby's born, I'm going to love him or her just as much as I love April and Rory and you."
Before she can allow herself to completely take solace in this moment and the realization of how much Luke really does love her daughter if he's willing to put her in the same sentence with his own, she has own more question. "So what do we do now?" she says softly. "Do we just jump the ship and take things back to where they were last time-or do we wait?" She is still a little uncertain about the first possibility, because as much as she wants to eventually marry Luke, she also doesn't want it to just be for the baby's sake.
Luke, however, seems to know exactly what she needs to hear. "We take things one step at a time," he says easily, and when she steps into his arms, she feels more at peace than she has in a long, long time.
As she melts in his arms, Lorelai finds herself thinking about last time with Rory and how difficult it all was to manage. Still, this time she feels content. Although she does not yet know how things will turn out, she knows everything with be okay, because she has Luke here to share things with. The rest will come.