A slightly fractured fairy tale
By: Darth Maud-dib
This is a story about Jack and Jill. Their house was just outside a very strange forest. Their father, Peter who loved to eat pumpkins, has been married three times already but he just couldn't keep a wife. He asked Jill if she could go and fetch a pail of water, so after she found here brother jack, who was busy jumping over a candlestick, they started on their journey. After about seven minutes of walking they came to a clearing and saw three strange houses. One was a grass shack, another was a dilapidated wooden condo, and the last one was old run down brick mansion. But as they stared at the houses strange voices could be heard shouting and screaming.
"What is that?" Jack asked as the shouts came closer.
"I bet that mean old wolf is picking on those sweet little pigs again," but as Jill said that the wolf came running into view, wearing the latest in sheep's skin clothing.
"Help! Help me, their gonna eat me!" the wolf yelled as he ran passed the siblings, however three pigs burst into the clearing, each on Harley Davison's, and rode passed Jack and Jill. The first pig was swinging a chain over his head, the second wielded a crowbar, and the third had a bottle of barbeque sauce. On the back of their leather jackets were the words 'deviled hams'.
"Let's get going." Jill continued to follow the path to the well. After walking for a few minutes they noticed a spoon arguing with a dish. They walked passed the two pieces of fine china only to see a cow jumping over the moon, and watched it land in front of the siblings.
"Wow that was so cool," Jack exclaimed.
"Yeah that was pretty cool," Jill replied.
"Hey look it has a tattoo that says mad cow."
"Yes that's right I am a mad cow." The cow spook with an English accent.
"You… you can talk?" Jack stuttered.
"You have mad cow disease?" Jill asked
"Of course I can talk dear boy, and no, where as I don't have mad cow disease I am quite insane." The cow stepped towards Jill. "I would be gratefully delighted if the two of you would join me for dinner."
"Umm what are you going to have?" Jill stepped back.
"You my dear, I'm going to eat you."
"You can't eat me! I mean, I don't eat you I'm a vegetarian."
"Yeah and I'm too young to die." Jack added.
"I'm sorry to say but I'm going to eat you both. I would say that it's kind of ironic that the cow you did not eat might well have saved your life." The cow laughed.
"Look why don't we just…RUN!" Jill grabbed Jack by the arm and took off. The cow chased after them until they ran into a restaurant called Lil' Bo Peeps steak and Lamb Shack.
"Bloody hell" the cow said as he stopped.
Jack and Jill walked into the restaurant and sat down in a booth by the window. The waitress walked up to their table and set two glasses on the table. "I'm sorry but we don't have any fish."
"That's ok," Jack said. "We didn't order any fish."
"Can we get some menus?" Jill asked.
"Umm I'm not sure; let me go ask the manager." The waitress turned around and left passing three mice who stood up on the bar wearing trench coats.
"Attention, your attention please. Ladies and gentlemen you are now the hostages of the Brotherhood of Blind Mice! You'll be released if and when our demands are met. If they are not meet then you will pay the price." The leader said while the other two mice took off their coats and revealed ten ounces of C4, which to a mouse was a lot, strapped to their chest.
"What do you want?" Jack yelled.
"We want candy!" the second mouse yelled.
"Shut up!" The leader smacked the second mouse. "We want the release of all lab mice. We also want one hundred pounds of Australian cheddar cheese, we want the finest in laser eye surgery, and a statue made entirely of onion cheese devoted to our leader the great Mickey of mousedom."
"And we want a water buffalo!" the second mouse exclaimed.
"Shut up!" The leader smacked him again.
"Duh, ok boss you don't have to tell me to shut up because when you want me to shut up I'll shut up and then you'll not hear a word out of me because I shut up and stopped talking." The second mouse babbled.
"SHUT UP SHUTT'EN UP!"
"Hey jack I have an idea on how to get out of here." Jill whispered, but before she could say any thing else the waitress walked up holding two bowls.
"Here is your order of Timmy-o's."
"What! I don't want Timmy-o's those are for pack mules!" Jack said in disgust.
"Yeah ok I'm gonna see if they have any fish." The waitress said.
"We didn't order any fish," Jill replied. "Anyway Jack, they said they were blind right?"
"Yeah so?"
"Well if there blind then all we have to do is sneak past them," Jill explained. "Now come on." They got up and crept past the three blind mice, but as they walked out the door the waitress, who was now holding two plates of fish, spotted them.
"Wait hey you forgot you fish!" she yelled after them.
"What? They're getting away, stop'em." The leader yelled.
"I will not eat green eggs and ham, I will not eat them Sam I Am." The second mouse blurted out.
"Cheddar, Gouda, parmesan, Swiss, for Mickey!" the third mouse screamed as he ran into what he thought was a person but was actually a coffee mug, and blew himself up.
"Oh me next, me next." The second mouse pushed the detonator on his bomb. Then he turned and gave his boss a big hug. "I love you boss."
"You idiot, pee-brain, nincompoop…" but before he could finish insulting his partner the bomb blow up.
(-)
Jack and Jill walked for another seven minutes until they came to yet another clearing. In the clearing there was a house made of gingerbread and candy being vandalized and eaten by two kids about their age.
"What are you doing to that house?" Jill asked. Jack seemed to notice something on a tree he was standing next to and turned to get a better look.
"None of ya's bee's wax," the young boy said with a Brooklyn accent.
"Yeah so's why don't you two take a hike," said the young girl, also with a Brooklyn accent.
"Hey Jill look at this." Jack pointed to what he was reading. Jill turned and saw what Jack was pointing at; it was a wanted poster which read: wanted dead or alive, preferable dead, Hanzel and Gretel. Wanted for; vandalism, triple parking, littering, arson, assault with a deadly weapon, assaulting an officer, and generally being not nice people.
"You…you're them." Jill turned to face the young vandals.
"Yeah so?" Hanzel said with a laugh "What cha ya gonna do 'bout it?"
"Can't we talk this out?" Jack pleaded as Hanzel and Gretel moved closer, but before they could do anything the old lady who lived in the house came out.
"I told you if you didn't leave my house alone I'd call the police, and I did too!" the old lady said.
"What!" Hanzel yelled. "We'll teach ya's ta rat us out! Gretel bring me my rope and gas."
"Here." Gretel handed him the rope which he used to tie the old lady to a near by tree.
"Come on Jack, let's get out of here." Jill turned to run with Jack following close behind her. As they ran up the path, three cop cars pulled up just as Gretel finished pouring the gas around the old lady.
"Freeze!" one cop yelled as he got out of his car and aimed his gun.
"Why?" Hanzel said with a grin. "Is da a bee on me?"
"How did you mooks find us so fast?" Gretel asked.
"We just followed the bread crumbs," the cop replied, but as he did Hanzel lit a match and held it over the puddle of gas. "Hey drop the match!"
"Sure" Hanzel said with an evil smirk. "What ever ya say officer." With that Hanzel dropped the match in the puddle of gas which set the old lady ablaze.
(-)
Elsewhere in the forest things were finally starting to look up for Jack and Jill because finally, they could see the well on top of the hill.
"Finally we can get the water and go," Jack exclaimed as they started up the hill. "Hey, what's that up ahead?"
"It's…it's a bear!" Jill screamed but the bear heard her and turned around. The bear was smoking a cigarette and drinking a bottle of tequila. He was sitting in front of a sign that said: only you can prevent forest fires.
"You knowish my secret," the bear cried in a drunken slur. "Now I have to shilence you!"
"Wait, can't we all just get along?" Jack started to back up.
"NO! You knowish to mush!" the smoking bear cried in a drunken rage as he dropped the bottle of tequila and threw the cigarette on a pile of dead leaves, which caught fire, and charged down the hill after the two young kid's.
"Run!" Jill yelled as she turned and ran away.
"Feet's don't fail me now," Jack exclaimed as he followed Jill. They ran long and far, past the ginger bread house where Hanzel and Gretel were having a gunfight with the cops. They ran past the three pig's house where they were having a barbeque. Jill ran all the way back to their house and slammed the door shut back behind her.
"Where's Jack?" Jill's dad asked.
"Umm… he may be a while."
…And the moral of the story is, you don't have to run faster than the bear, just faster than Jack.
The end…