A/N: Hi. So. I've never posted in this fandom before. And I really should be working on Safe and Sound instead, but I knew I'd never get that done if I didn't write this.

I know there were more things that I should address here...

I'm not sure... really where I'm going with this story. I don't have everything planned out- for the most part- like I usually do. This idea came to me just last night, and I stayed up all night to write it. I just... I felt that I needed to... I dunno; get it out there. So I did. I might continue it, if I get a good response. Or I might not. It just depends on how I feel, really.

This story is... pretty close to home, actually. I'm struggling with issues similar to those that Kendall is in this story. Maybe not exactly alike... and I'm sort of flip-flopping right now. I don't really understand it all... but I figured that it would make a good story, so, why the hell not? Kendall will follow a path very similar to mine... in the beginning. But I'm planning to put him in positions that I, myself, hope that I never reach. Just a warning there. (Some of the things that Kendall experiences in this very chapter, I have experienced as well, so please don't be asses.)

In the event that I do continue it, this will, eventually, be a Kames story. Just an FYI. So if you're not cool with that... you might want to leave right now. Also, Kendall's pretty OOC here, but I'm trying to keep everyone as close to their original characterizations in the show as possible; unfortunately, I haven't really followed the show. I used to love it, then I moved away from it, and now I like it again. So there's that.

This is another 'if I continue.' If I do, the rating might possibly go up, depending on what I decide to put in. For now, I'm not planning anything with content that's too terribly mature. If necessary, I'll alter the rating, though, and I'll try to warn you if I do that.

I think that's all I wanted to say... I'm so sleepy and hungry, I don't even remember... If I forgot something and suddenly remember it, I'll put it in the next chapter, should there be a next chapter.

Warnings: Cursing. Problems with self-image. Self-loathing. Beginnings of eating disorder?

Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush.

~Fear's Distortion

It was so difficult to be happy now. Kendall didn't understand it. Back at home in Minnesota, it had been the easiest thing in the world. Even with no father figure at home, he was happy- his father leaving was probably for the better, actually, seeing as it was an end to the beatings; he had amazing friends, a caring family, people at school liked him, and he was amazing at hockey. What was so different in L.A.? He still had his friends, and his family; most of the people at school liked him. And though they didn't really get to play hockey anymore, he and his three brothers goofed off in the studio. There was only one difference. He wasn't happy; not anymore, at least. At first, it had been great, and he'd been ecstatic.

But now...

He wished that he had never taken Gustavo up on his offer and brought them all here. In his attempt to keep them together, he'd actually pushed them apart. Logan had Camille. Carlos had his stupid stunts, pranks, and attempts to get the Jennifers. And James... James had a new girl every week.

Why did James have to be so perfect?

Why did he himself have to be... such a loser?

Most importantly, how did he become so unhappy in just a number of weeks?

He knew how. Or, at least, he knew the trigger. It had been something Gustavo had screamed at them at the studio earlier in the month.

-xXx-

It was a normal day at Rocque Records. Big Time Rush was supposed to be working on one of the new dances, but instead, they were gathered outside of the dance studio, bags of cheese puffs resting against their stomachs, on their laps, or on the floor against their legs. Mr. X had gotten fed up with them for the time being- they were purposefully being difficult and messing up so that he'd have to leave and cool down- and they had no idea where he was. In the boys' minds, a short break wouldn't hurt.

Carlos had thrown the first puff. It had turned into a war after that. It was a bloody battle. Small bodies of cheesy puffed corn flew every which way. They were stomped underfoot as each member of Big Time Rush ran for cover, attempting to hit the enemy all the while, hollering at each other and laughing wildly.

The end result was a big mess. The white couches had streaks of orange cheese. Crumbs had been stomped into the carpet.

Needless to say, Gustavo was pissed; he, with Kelly in tow, had been the one to come and break it up- having heard the big commotion through the crack in the recording studio's door. His face had grown red immediately, and no attempts at soothing from Kelly had calmed him.

"Dogs!" They all stood at attention at that, staring at him as they waited to be berated. "What do you think you're doing?! Do you see this huge mess?! You're supposed to be in the dancing studio, not out here throwing around this..." he picked up a discarded and partially empty bag, "... this... GARBAGE." It was a miracle he didn't throw it at them; he just crushed it in his fist. "Go back to the dance studio! Work this off! No one wants a fat popstar, and that's exactly where you're headed if you keep eating like this!" With that, he stormed back off to the recording booth.

Kelly sighed heavily, pulling out her phone. "Boys, please... try not to do anything like this again. You know how he is!" Of course, she knew that trying to reason with them wouldn't work. They were incorrigible. "Please." she pleaded one more time, before dialing a number and pressing the phone to her ear as she walked away. Judging by the bit of conversation that was audible before her disappearance, she was speaking with someone who would come and clean up their mess- at least, the cheese streaks on the white furniture.

James immediately got huffy once left alone. "What?! There's no way I'm getting fat! I'm James Diamond!" Then he performed his famous gesture, wriggling his fingers as he moved his hands to frame his face.

Carlos was laughing, from the idea that the cheese puffs- their favorite snack for their entire lives- would cause them to gain so much weight when it never had before, and also from James' outburst.

Logan rolled his eyes and tried to usher the group back into the dance studio; he'd much rather that Gustavo didn't come out and yell at them again.

Obviously, none of them noticed the growing look of horror on Kendall's face as he stared at the spot where their producer had previously stood. Slowly, he reached down to pick up the snack bag that had been tossed angrily to the floor. His eyes moved to the nutrition label, and disgust mixed with the horror in his expression. Just thirteen pieces had 150 calories? He'd eaten way more than that...

"Kendall!" Logan's voice caused him to drop the bag and turn to look at the other. "Come on! Before we get into even more trouble!"

After a moment, the blond just nodded jerkily and followed his band mate to the dance studio, wher a calmer Mr. X was waiting for them.

And so had begun his downward spiral.

-xXx-

Gustavo's words had stuck with Kendall after that. At first, they didn't bother him too badly. He ate normally and didn't worry much about gaining weight.

But then, a few days ago, he'd caught a glimpse of himself in the bathroom mirror on the way to shower. Immediately, he'd backtracked to stare at his naked form in the reflection. Was that really what he looked like...? Every time he showered now, he'd stand in front of the mirror for as long as he could before getting disgusted, poking and pinching the fat of his stomach.

Kendall had always feared gaining too much weight. The workout that hockey had provided kept him happy with his figure; he had thought that dancing would have the same affect on his body, but he'd obviously been mistaken. Now, his fear was becoming a reality. He knew that he couldn't allow that. He had to... manage it.

But how did he do that?

By now, he was getting more used to the feeling of his stomach growling. After all, he was hungry almost all of the time. That fact disgusted him. How could he be so hungry? He couldn't just eat.

But he did. When he was shaking and had to cross his arms over his stomach in hopes of silencing it. When he felt like he was going to pass out. He'd eat enough to silence his stomach, and he'd despise every single bite of food that went into his mouth, every single calorie he consumed. More importantly, he despised that he was so weak, because when he started, he couldn't stop. He'd finish everything on the plate or in the bowl as if he was starving to death. And it felt like he was.

I'm so pathetic... he thought miserably, burying his face into the pillow on his bed. I don't think I can even move... I just want to lay here forever...

Despite not really having the energy to do so, Kendall lifted his head and looked towards the bathroom door when it opened. A grinning James stepped into the room, drying his hair with a towel; his black lounge pants were riding a bit low, and the waistband of a pair of grey boxers were peeking above them. It was obvious he'd just gotten out of the shower. The blond just stared at him.

"Shower's all yours, buddy. But I'd hurry up. Mama Knight said that dinner will be ready in about ten minutes."

He shoved his face back into the pillow. Great, a few of his least favorite things. Eating, moving, and showering. It wasn't that he didn't like to be clean. It was more that... he hated seeing himself. The bulge of fat at his waist. It made him sick to his stomach, and he hated himself for allowing it to come into existence.

Oblivious, James laughed and tossed the wet towel at his best friend; it landed over his head. "Oh, quit being lazy, Kendall." When he still didn't move, the brunet added, playfully, "If you keep laying around all day, you're going to get fat, and then Gustavo'll pitch a bitch."

That twisted the knife. His stomach clenched- or possibly that was just it growling again- and he felt nauseous. Jumping up, he draped the towel over his blond head so that James couldn't see his face as he grabbed clean clothes. His knees felt wobbly, and his head... wasn't right; it was like he was floating, and his vision only offered a narrow tunnel, his ears ringing.

"Hey, Kendall!"

He didn't answer his best friend as he walked into the bathroom, closing the door firmly behind him and being sure to lock it. He leaned against the wood, tilting his head back and closing his eyes. He was so tired...

It was a few moments before he could bring himself to push away from the door, dropping his clean clothes into a heap on the tile floor. Reluctantly, he removed what he was wearing and discarded it into the dirty clothes hamper. The mirror was fogged, and he really knew that he should just leave it that way.

But maybe a part of him wanted to hate himself.

Using the side of his hand, Kendall carefully cleared the moisture on the glass away enough that he could see his reflection. At first, all he did was stare. Then, slowly, he reached up. His fingers formed a triangle around his naval, before his fingers curled and his nails dug into this stomach. Green eyes stared at the skin that bulged between. When he let it go, it fell back into place. The tip of his index finger prodded it a few times, then he pinched it again- this time just between his forefinger and thumb. Those same eyes moved up, meeting their counterparts in the mirror as he turned to his side. Carefully, he placed his fingers against his abdomen, almost between his hips, and pressed all the fat up, so that it looked like his stomach was flat.

That was better.

He let go, and the illusion disappeared. That was the breaking point this time. He turned his face from the mirror in disgust and turned on the shower, stepping under the spray as soon as it was warm enough. For a few minutes, it was fine. His head fell back as he worked shampoo into his hair, then washed it out again. His eyes were closed when he washed his face.

Then he had to actually bathe.

Kendall could look down his form, and see a body that disgusted him. Needless to say, he washed as quickly as he could. Even then, he didn't feel like leaving. Slowly, he sank down to sit at the bottom of the shower, hugging his knees to his chest and staring down at his feet. His stomach rumbled hungrily again and he shook his head slightly.

How many calories have I had...? He calculated in his head. His shaking fingers slid down his shins and over the tops of his feet. About 450 in more than twelve hours. Goddammit. He squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lip- hard. That was too much. How was he supposed to lose weight like this?

There was a bang on the door and he jumped. It was a good thing he wasn't standing, or else he'd have probably fallen and busted his rear. "Y-yeah?" he called, hating that his voice shook. He'd not spoken practically all day.

"You've been in there forever, man!" That was Carlos. He was surprised. "Mama Knight wants to know if you're actually planning on eating!"

Kendall wanted to snap back that, no, he wasn't intending on eating. But he knew that he couldn't say that, so he just swallowed hard. "Yeah. I'll be out in a minute." he called back, pressing his forehead to his knees.

"Cool! I'll tell her."

There was no need to reply after that; he knew that his friend had already run off again. Angry and disappointed in himself, the blond reached up and turned the water off, then dragged himself out of the shower and dried off dazedly. This time, he didn't bother to look in the mirror; he had already seen way more of his hideous body than he'd wanted to.

The drawstring on his pants had to be tightened, and his shirt was a little loose. That was something he didn't understand. His clothes seemed to be a bit too big now, but he couldn't tell that he'd lost any weight. When he looked at himself, there was no change.

Dropping his towel into the hamper, Kendall left the bathroom and quietly walked down to the dining room table. He was really hoping that everyone had finished up by now and was gone. That hope was dashed before he even made it to the main room; he could hear voices. All of his friends were still sitting at the table, his mother was in the kitchen washing dishes, and Katie was curled up on the couch with one of her video games in her hand.

There was a homemade pizza sitting in the middle of the table. The sight and smell made his stomach twist hungrily and his mouth watered. He was starving, but he didn't want that at all.

So many calories...

He slid into his seat by Logan- who was currently reading one of his medical books- and picked out the smallest slice of pizza still on the dish. It was still too big in his eyes. Hesitantly, he took a bite, watching James and Carlos argue over the last of the Coca-Cola. It was in the hopes that it would distract him from the food, and he wouldn't feel the hate that meals caused him now. It didn't work, of course. As soon as he tasted the pizza, he hate himself and the food; he just wanted to spit it out, but it was pretty clear that he had no willpower.

That piece was gone before his mother even split the soda between his two previously-arguing friends.

"Is that all you want, sweetie?" Jennifer asked, placing a hand on her son's shoulder as he pushed his plate away.

He looked up at her and smiled. "Yeah, Mom. I'm not really that hungry. I had a big lunch." The lie would work, seeing as he'd been home alone during lunchtime.

"Oh, okay. So long as you're eating enough." She kissed the top of his head before picking Logan's plate up and carrying it to the kitchen.

James nudged him under the table with his toes, grinning at him. "You could have invited us back for this 'big lunch,' Ken."

His green eyes rolled so hard he thought they'd roll right out of his skull. "I didn't have any idea where you were."

For a moment, that beautiful smile fell, but then it came back- not nearly as bright. "You... could've called."

To that, Kendall just shrugged and stood up. "Didn't want to interrupt anything important. I'm going to bed." He could feel eyes on him as he walked back to the bedroom he shared with James.

Carlos swallowed his mouthful of Coca-Cola. "What's wrong with him...?"

The little encounter had gotten Logan's attention, as well. "Maybe... he's just tired...? He did look it..." He closed his book on a finger. "Has he been sleeping okay, James?"

The brunet had been blinking after his best friend in confusion, but when he heard his name, he looked back to the table. "... Huh?"

"I asked you how Kendall has been sleeping." Logan reiterated, not bothered by having to do so.

"Oh. Uh... I... I don't really know. He's usually asleep when I go to bed, and I almost always have to wake him up when I do..."

The aspiring doctor frowned. "Has he been having nightmares...?"

"If he has, it hasn't woken me up."

Carlos piped up with, "Maybe he's just stressed! Gustavo is riding us pretty hard."

The other two murmured agreements to that, though none of them were really sure.

Upstairs, Kendall had practically collapsed back into the bed. His stomach was gurgling. Whether it was irritated or appreciative, he wasn't completely sure, but he grunted uncomfortably. He hated the noises, and he just hoped that they stopped by the time James came up.

Curling on his side, he wrapped his arms around his stomach in hopes of silencing it, his eyes locked on the wall. The blankets were pulled up to his chin. It felt like they were blocking the whole world out. Which was good, because he wanted to cry so badly that it hurt. Not because he was so full of self-loathing. Not because he was disgusted by the person that looked back at him from the mirror. Not because he was fat and ugly.

But because James Diamond was so damned perfect that he could never love someone so hideous as he was.

A/N: Please leave a review! Tell me if you liked or hated it, and if you want me to continue this or not. ^^