Heaven and Hell

A humor story.

The main characters who died in the books wake up to find themselves in a large cavern. It has no exit or entrance, but a large lake off to the right, filled with fish. There is an unidentifiable light coming from the top of the cavern. How will our heroes-and anti-heroes-escape from the hellish confines of this cave? They must work together, each person agreeing, to escape.

Our cast is:

Ares, the flier
Bane, the gnawer
Solovet, the killer
Hamnet, the killer
Twitchtip, the gnawer
Henry, the killer
Tick, the crawler
Twirltongue, the gnawer
Thalia, the flier
Frill, the hisser

[Bane, sleeping in the center of the cavern, wakes up. He looks around a bit. He seems confused.

Bane: -mutters- This...is weird. -continues looking around-

[Sleeping almost touching the Bane, Twitchtip awakens.

Twitchtip: Where the hell am I? -looks up and sees Bane- Holy-

Bane: -sees Twitchtip- Hi!

Twitchtip:...I'm dead. I died, I died, I died, I'm dead, I died.

Bane: -stares for a couple minutes then realizes something- Where's Twirltongue?

Twitchtip: -shrugs- I dunno...-notices that she is no longer emaciated, and her teeth are normal size- but if this is dead, someone made a mistake.

Bane: -screams-Flying cheese biscuits!

Twitchtip: -taken aback- What the hell is wrong with you?!

Bane: Wha?

Ares: -groans- What happened...I feel like I've been eaten by a giant rat...

Bane: Hey! It's that big black bat!!!

Ares: -sees Bane and screams like a little girl- ZOMG!

Solovet: -recently woken up- Somebody better give me some godamn answers, NOW!

Ares: Thank Sandwich I'm not alone here...

Bane: Hey! There's a bat here!

Twitchtip: -scathingly- what was your first clue?

[The Bane turns to the smaller rat and stares at her, while Solovet attempts to look for other humans.

Bane: -head shoots up- VOICES FROM NOWHERE!!!!

Solovet: Who is there? I deman you make your presence known!

Bane: Oh, so you heard her too? Good, I though the voices in my head had come back...

[-distinctly female voice- The pris-ahem, characters no longer notice the narration. They return to what they were doing before.

Solovet: Anyone have the feeling the last few seconds dissapeared?

Thalia: -starts giggling- She said seconds!!!!

Ares: Great...the giggling wonder has awoken...

Bane: -still staring at Twitchtip-

Twitchtip: Ummm someone want to tell me where we are? I can't smell a damn thing. And the giant white rat is starting to creep me out...

Frill: It ssseemssss we are in a cave.

Thalia: -continues laughing- SHE SAID CAVE!

Hamnet: Oh...my aching head...

Tick: Awake, everyone is, awake?

[Twirltongue has awoken and begins walking up to the group which has gathered in the center of the cave. The Bane being the center point, since he was the one that woke them up by screaming about flying breakfast items. Twirltongue does not look in anyway happy.

Twirltongue: Ahem.

Bane: -turns and sees her- Twirltongue!!! -hyperly- IwassoworriedIdidn'tknowwhereyouwereandIwasaloneandtherewerepeopleandvoicesand I missed you! Did you miss me? Where did you go!?!?! -eye twitch-

Twirltongue:...-stares flatly- I think perhaps I had passed out from the fact that MY HEAD WAS TORN FROM MY BODY!

Bane: -thinks a while- Oh...yaaaaa...-looks at Twirltongue- But I didn't mean it...I...I..Why are you looking at me like that? -starts sniffling- I-I didn't mean iiiiiit -bawls loudly-

Henry: -from far away- Can you stop? I'm trying to get my unneeded but still imperative, beauty sleep.

Solovet: GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP!

Henry: Aunt Solovet? -is confused- Where am I -sits up- This is bizarre...-runs hand through his hair- OMG I HAVE BED HEAD!

[All of a sudden as if provoked by Henry's questions, everyone begins asking where they are and what they're doing here. Finally Twirltongue jabs the Bane who roars loudly. Everyone falls silent.

Twirltongue: Do not know where we are, but we are getting out of here. And I am in charge.

Solovet: OVER MY DEAD BODY!

Twirltongue: -sarcastically- You're already dead dumbshit.

Solovet: WHY YOU!

Hamnet: Kumbaya my lord...kumbaya...

Everyone: SHUTUP!

[And so, everyone is awake, how will they escape? WILL they escape? Will Henry get rid of his bed head? And what does Twitchtip think about all this? Find out on next week's installment of: HEAVEN AND HELL

Bane: -in the background- There's that voice again...