Warnings: Depression, mental illness, suicidal thoughts, one suicide attempt, alcohol abuse, cigarette/tobacco abuse, language usage, one slight NSFW scene, hallucinations, excessive grieving, and a brief hint of past child abuse. Please read only if comfortable, and always feel free to message for more information if needed.
Title and original idea is inspired by I Can Lift a Car by Walk the Moon.
i. prologue.
Yuugi knew Atem was going to die for a long time.
No, strike that. Yuugi knew Atem was going to move on into the next life for a long time.
It was their destiny. Yuugi Mutou would solve the Sennen Puzzle after eight years of work and release a crazy spirit that hurt a lot of people, slap that crazy spirit with some good old-fashioned sense, travel and duel with said spirit, find the spirit's memories because he somehow lost them, and let the spirit move on into the next life with a duel and a smile.
It was supposed to be like ripping off a band-aid.
Yuugi found out it wasn't like that at all.
ii. mirages of you kiss me when i try to be alive.
The floorboards give a creak.
"Other Me?" Yuugi calls as he turns to peer out the door. The shaving cream he slathered on his face drips off his chin and stains the front of his shirt.
Silence.
"Oh, right."
He'll shave tomorrow, he decides as he rinses his face. Right now just doesn't feel like the time. The man reaches out for a towel, and then flicks his eyes up to the mirror to check if he's wiped everything off.
Yuugi doesn't see a man with purple eyes, pale skin, and a deep frown that doesn't seem to go away. No, he sees red eyes that stand out as a contrast between dark skin, and he sees a smile that he hasn't seen in a long time.
Yuugi's next breath gets caught in his throat. A hand with quaking fingers reach out to touch the mirror. Atem raises his own shaking hand in perfect succession and follows Yuugi's movements. They are two hearts that beat as one. They are two halves of the same soul that are separated only by an inch of glass.
He blinks, and Atem's gone. All that's left is an idiot staring at his reflection as if it is the most surprising thing in the world. Yuugi pulls back and runs a hand through his hair to tug at the strands. He needs coffee. A nice, big cup of sweet coffee with plenty of creamers and sugar to wake up and stop seeing dead men in the mirror.
(He sees him in the reflection of the coffee pot. His cherry-red eyes reflect off the mug Yuugi picks out, his dark skin catches up the sunlight as Yuugi settles down at the kitchen table. He hears footsteps behind him as Atem dances to an old, Arabian song that pours over his garage sale radio.)
Jounouchi comes knocking on his door around noon. Yuugi opens it up, and Jounouchi gives a loud whistle as he weasels his way inside.
"Damn, Yuugi," he says as he heads for the kitchen. He sits down at the table and puts his feet up to leave mud and dirt there. "You got a nice place here."
"Thanks," the man says as he shuts the door and follows his best friend. He pours hot coffee down his throat in hopes that maybe he'll stop seeing a ghost dancing in his kitchen.
Jounouchi talks, but Yuugi's mind refuses to focus on the man's words no matter how hard he tries.
(He wants to be alone. He wants to curl up under the covers.)
It's just a lazy day today is all.
(The sunlight brings heat that slinks into the tiny apartment. It's too hot to go outside or do anything too active, and so curling up in bed sounds like a dream. He'll sleep, watch some bad anime, and then maybe sleep some more.)
It's a celebration for the weekend. Come tomorrow, he'll be up and ready to get a whole bunch of things done.
"So, what do you think?" Jounouchi asks.
Yuugi blinks and snaps his head up. He stares at Jounouchi and bites his lower lip. "Um, what did you say?"
Jounouchi huffs and brings his boots down. His elbows rest on the table as he gets a good look at Yuugi. "I asked if you wanted to catch a bite to eat with us tonight. Bakura even said he'd show up if he can get out of the museum on time."
Atem wraps his arms around Yuugi's neck and places gentle kiss on his temple. "No, I'm sorry. I'm not really feeling it."
Jounouchi frowns at Yuugi and reaches out to slap his friend's hand in a gentle manner. Yuugi's fingers flex, but he focuses on the steam rising from his mug. The coffee is half-full now and all he wants to do is be alone with it.
"Buddy, are you still upset? You can talk about it," Jounouchi tries.
"I'm fine. Just tired is all. I'll go out with you guys next time," Yuugi says. "Eat a burger for me?"
Jounouchi barks a laugh and gives a playful punch to Yuugi's arm as he stands up. "Alright, little buddy. I'll let you out of this one, but I'm not going to let you get out of the next one! It will be you and me in the arcade next time. It will be just like the old days, right?"
Yuugi grips his mug a little tighter, and he can't bring himself to meet Jounouchi's eyes. Atem frowns at this and stands up to shoo the blond out the apartment. Yuugi's gaze finds Atem when he does, and he sucks in a breath. Atem is still as handsome as he was when he left for the next life – odd pharaoh clothes and all.
"Right."
iii. let's play a game of telephone.
"Hey, Yuugi. It's me. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime! I made a new RPG game, and I think you'll like it. I have some free time after a shift on Wednesday. Those sellers are trying to fill up every other second I have. Ugh. Call me back, okay?"
Beep.
"Hey, little buddy! I told you wanna go to the arcade with you. Hit me up soon?"
Beep.
"Yuugi! Get your ass over to my house. Jounouchi is here, and he won't shut up about you. Pick him up for your good old pal, Honda, would ya? I have schoolwork up to here, and this prick is on my couch thinking about ways to kidnap you. He's annoying the hell out of Miho."
Beep.
"Hey, Yuugi. I was wondering if you wanted to come over to the studio sometime. It would be so much fun to dance with you again. And, um, Yuugi...You can always talk to us, you know? You're not alone. We all love you. Can you just please give Grandpa a call? You're missing shifts, and he's worried. It's not good for his heart. Please reach out if you need us, okay? Call you later."
No more new messages.
Yuugi decides to let the voice-mails be. The red light blinks from the break of dawn to the middle of the night for the rest of the day/week/year/century.
iv. the secret garden is a fucking awful place.
Yuugi gives in after however long it's been that he will try to do something. Jounouchi leveled up to pounding on his door and asking his landlord if he can have the spare key at least an hour every day. Maybe Jounouchi will give him a couple days of peace if he spends five minutes with one of his friends.
The man decides he will hang out with Anzu. She's a calm, careful soul with a soft smile. She won't push him to talk no matter how much she wants to know the truth. Jounouchi would just punch him until Yuugi spits out what's wrong with him even though there is nothing wrong at all.
He holds Anzu's bucket of supplies while she slips on her bright green gloves that have been dulled with soil. She smiles at him, and Yuugi tries to curl his lips up to do the same as they move into the backyard.
The woman kneels before her flowers. She coos and says words that make no sense to Yuugi. Her hands pat the ground around her flowers as she begins to tends to them. All the flowers are of different colors, sizes, shapes, and forms. Some blossom across her garden while others barely take up the space they were planted in. They all look simple to the man. They're just some flowers.
"How have you been, Yuugi?" she asks. Her voice sounds as if it's coming through a megaphone in high traffic during a meteor shower. He blinks as he faces her now. Anzu raises a brow at him as he tries to do the smiling thing again. It hurts.
"I've been good," he says. "How have you been?"
She responses with a high-pitched set of words as Yuugi loses his focus on her and instead finds his gaze on her rose bush. It's perfect in her eyes, he thinks. No thorns and no unsightly flowers. Just perfection. It looks rather dull to him.
"-uugi? Yuugi!"
He snaps his head back. Anzu has a deep frown painted on her lips as she stares at him once again. Her eyes are a deep blue that have darkened with experience, and filled with wisdom she gained over the years of being Yuugi's best friend.
(He once thought her eyes were beautiful even after his childhood crush for her passed. He once used words to describe them that came from romance novels Anzu would whisper-read to him in the back of their algebra class. Orbs, cerulean, glistening, pools, dark rings around the outside that bled to a beautiful lighter color until they reached her pupil.)
They are just a color. Blue.
"Yeah?" he asks. "Sorry about that."
The frown on her lips doesn't budge as she turns her head back to the flowers. He is about to go back into space when Anzu points to a plant. It's big, and fighting to take up all the free space in her garden. All its stems are blossomed with flowers that are a deep, purple color. Some of the flowers are in full bloom, while others are shut and beginning to crumple.
"Yuugi," Anzu murmurs. "Do you know what happens when a petunia has a dead flower?"
Yuugi frowns at her. Anzu gives a smile that holds some hope and turns back to her petunias.
"It lets it go," Anzu explains as she plucks the flower. There is no resistance from the plant. She places it in the center of her palm and holds it out for Yuugi to see. "Because it knows that this flower is dead, and it doesn't need it anymore. It can't make the flower come back, or make it understand why it needs it, so it lets it go."
"What are you trying to tell me, Anzu?" Yuugi hisses. His face is coloring as his hands grip the fabric of his jeans tight.
"You are a petunia plant, Yuugi," she says. Her face holds no emotion as she tries to not pity the young man that's tearing himself up over a ghost. "You have many beautiful flowers. Friends, family, and a growing career. Sometimes, these flowers die. It happens, and goddamn does it suck."
She laughs at that as she shakes her head before she continues, "So, you dig out what hurts. You pluck the dead dream off so you can sprout new and beautiful dreams. You see a career you adore, you reconnect with your grandfather, and in the Afterlife, after a very long time without him, you meet Atem once again. You can't let these dead flowers linger on you. Soon, there will be no more new flowers. All you will be is what could have been."
Yuugi pushes himself up, and she watches him do so. She analyzes him under her microscope. He is a complicated dance to her. He is an untamed rose bush. He is a petunia plant with so many dead flowers. She will practice the dance, trim off his thorns, and pluck the dead flowers off him. They're best friends after all.
Fuck that. No, he'll keep his thorns, complications, and dead flowers. Fuck all of this purple prose that she's trying to feed him as if he's a fussy child. Yuugi's blood comes to a boil as his confused gaze becomes more of a glare.
"Is that all Other Me is to you?" he hisses. "A dead flower? You wanna forget the man that saved the world countless times – who saved you countless times?"
"No!" she retorts. She stands as her eyes narrow. She looms over the other. "Atem was everything to me. He was my best friend, Yuugi."
Anzu pauses to back off her friend. Her gaze breaks so she can stare down at her hands. "Goddamn it, Yuugi, I loved him. I cried for weeks after he moved on. He was my first, real crush. It hurt so much when he left, but I'm a big girl. I know that he couldn't stay here, Yuugi. He had no body, and no future other than to watch all of his friends – and you – die. So, I cried, wrote letters that I never sent, and I moved on. I just want you to do the same. You deserve to be happy, Yuugi."
His heart beats too fast in his chest. The man turns his head away from her when her own moves to see his reaction. He draws air in, but it gets lost before it reaches his lungs.
"Shut up," he murmurs. It's weak, and his voice cracks. He flinches the moment she catches it. A chink in the armor that helps her move in for the kill.
"You have so many other beautiful flowers, Yuugi," she presses now. Her hands are coming out to take Yuugi's own. "You can find happiness if you just let go of that one dead flower holding you back."
Yuugi rips his hands back and turns on his heel. The words stop dead on his tongue because there's no reason to speak to someone who doesn't care about Atem. No words can fix this mess, or put out the flames of the bridge between them.
He storms off. She calls for him, but he doesn't turn around.
Yuugi's ultimate conclusion is that gardening is for nerds, and petunias are the ugliest flowers in the entire universe.
v. a twice lit cigarette never tastes the same, but for you, i will always rekindle the flame.
Yuugi somehow finds himself at a gas station, and he somehow finds himself handing over money for a pack of cigarettes. The lady, who looks rather nervous, presses a pack of Camels in his hand. It's a soft, gray box that holds small rolls of cigarettes with no filters.
They taste good on his lips, they help him forget the world around him, and they promise him sweet death with every puff of cancerous smoke that kisses him.
They remind him of Atem.
vi. perfection is in the eye of the beholder, but you are my beholder, so perfect me.
Yuugi spends hours on the library's internet. He scours through Amazon, picks through ads, searches the depths of the internet, and sends out a signal for anyone out there who might have exactly what he's looking for.
Until he finds it.
A futon. It is the perfect shade of blue according to the computer – not too dark yet not too light. It has slight worn in all the right places. He lets out a sigh of relief as he moves to checkout without even glancing at the price – especially when he decides that he's earned one-day express shipping.
Yuugi spends the next day figuring out the perfect placement. Atem pops in from time to time. The man determines this Atem is now Fake Atem. Fake Atem never talks, and can never do much more than dance and place kisses on Yuugi that he doesn't feel. Fake Atem judges with deep frowns and head tilts. The man scoffs at him, but moves the futon a couple inches anyways. It only takes a few hours of slight adjustments and deep frowns until both men are smiling.
It's perfect.
vii. background noise.
Yuugi stops smoking outside. Fuck his landlord. He'll smoke inside his own apartment if he wishes. The only person who's going to die from it is him.
Mail keeps on coming in. Colleges want him from near and far from the sands of Egypt to the snow of Canada. He's the King of Games. He's renowned and could be a lot better if he applies more to schoolwork than winning duels (or, rather, saving the world). They don't care what he wants, or how late he is in applying. Archeology? Sure! They'll get something together. French literature? Oui! The History of Lord of the Rings? Oh man, why didn't you say so?
Yuugi tosses the mail in the sink and throws his cigarette on it. A small flame comes to life, and the man watches it roar. The colleges might not realize it, but they don't want him. It will hit them as soon as he strolls into their college, and they'll regret letting an imposter into their establishment.
He was never the true King of Games after all.
Yuugi turns on the tap to put out the flame, and after the last of the embers are out, he goes for another cigarette. The pack is empty. Figures. He goes for his keys. Fake Atem waves at him from the futon. Yuugi waves back.
"I'll be back in a few," he says.
Fake Atem nods and gives a shrug before turning back to Yuugi's television. The man turned on the History Channel for him since their was a marathon of Egyptian documentaries, and he figures the fake spirit would probably still enjoy learning how a bunch of Europeans ripped through the tombs of pharaohs and took out every mummy, jewel, and piece of gold to either put on display or sell to the highest bidder.
Maybe he should put on some cartoons instead.
His phone rings, and Yuugi decides not to answer. He is already out the door with twitching fingers and zombie eyes.
Yuugi comes back not too long later with three packs in hand. Fake Atem waves to him as Yuugi pads over and collapses on the furniture. The lighter is in his hand and a cigarette in the other in record time, and he can feel smoke returning to his brain like an old friend.
The phone rings again. Yuugi turns up the television.
He asks Fake Atem to rub his back to soothe him, but the man is asleep before the imposter ghost can even touch his shoulders. He wakes up the next morning – or afternoon, he thinks. Drool is sticking to the side of his face, and his hair is giving into grease and gravity. Yuugi still doesn't see the need to shower as he curls back up. Fake Atem is gone now, and so the man decides watching American cartoons sounds like a blast.
His phone rings again. Yuugi gets up and stumbles into the kitchen. He stares into his fridge for a few minutes before he settles on black coffee. Nice, quick, and easy. He finds his fancy in loud, Arabian music rather than the television.
A few hours/days/years pass and Yuugi finds out the sun is setting. The beautiful Arabic music takes a more modern turn with techno and rock pouring over the speakers. Yuugi turns it up loud enough for his neighbors to begin slamming their brooms against his floor as he dances to the beat.
His phone rings again. Fake Atem wraps his arms around Yuugi's waist and takes one of his hands. Laughter echoes from Yuugi's lips as Fake Atem twirls him. He dances the night away with the pretend ghost and keeps his eyes shut just in case. He swears he can feel Fake Atem's breath on his neck.
His phone rings two more times. The voice-mail light is going crazy. Yuugi listens to his landlord bang on the door and to the ghosts that seem to find home in his mind.
That is how it is for the next few minutes/hours/days/weeks/years/centuries. The phone became more of a background noise at this point as if it was a train rolling though. Yuugi just covers his ears and waits for it to pass before he goes back to his regular life.
Eventually, there is a day where no one calls.
Yuugi curls up under the covers and allows another hour/day/year/century of sleep to be the celebration.
viii. i'm mourning someone who was already dead, and you're already burying him in the backyard.
Someone knocks at his door. Yuugi turns up his music.
"Yuugi!" Jounouchi yells. "Goddamn it, open up this door. You aren't gonna get your security deposit back when I kick it open!"
Yuugi doesn't flinch. His eyes stay hooded as he watches the door. The man will go away if he waits another hour. Jounouchi must have other plans than to live outside a ghost boy's doorstep.
He should try – at least for the sake of his door. Just a few minutes with Jounouchi before he shoves him right back out the door. It will be enough to placate them all and keep his telephone from blowing up.
Fake Atem puts his feet on the coffee table. Yuugi slaps them off and stands up to go for the door.
(His entire body feels like mush. Does he really have to open up this door after all? He could go to sleep. His muscles are tired and in pain. Fake Atem is already heading over to the bed to curl under the covers. Yuugi wants to go join him.)
Yuugi opens up the door, and Jounouchi is chattering away like a bird. He weasels himself inside somehow and leaves Yuugi there with a hand on the door and a frown on his lips.
"Yuugi, this place is a mess!" he cries. "When's the last time you cleaned the place up?"
Jounouchi sees something Yuugi doesn't. There's really nothing wrong with his apartment. There's a few blankets all over, but there's no need to call the cops over it. The worst thing was his mug in the sink that needed to be rinsed.
"Ugh, you don't even bother using the ashtray, huh?" Jounouchi asks as he stares at the floor. He looks back at Yuugi and his frown grows so much deeper. "Buddy, when's the last time you freshened up?"
"A couple days ago," he flinches and reaches up to rub his Adam's apple as soon as the words leave his throat.
"A couple days ago? You smell like a fucking dumpster!" the other retorts. He's looking around the entire place and tries to find a place to settle in. "You need to shower up, buddy. Oh, and eat. When's the last time you got some food in you? I should have broken your door a long time ago at this rate..."
The man continues to jabber then. His words become lost in translation as Yuugi sits across from his friend and soothes his temples with his fingers. There has to be a perfect set of words that will get Jounouchi out of his apartment. Maybe Yuugi shouldn't live here anymore. He needs to find somewhere quiet. A dark, little box to crawl into. He could lock it and give Fake Atem the key. Alone, silence, darkness, and the memories of Atem. Those are the only things he needs to survive.
"What can I do for you, Jounouchi?"
(When was the last time he dueled? Stepped outside? Ate something? It's all a blur.)
He's not terrified of it. He doesn't feel this fear in his belly like he did something wrong, or something bad is going to happen. Everything is fine. Yuugi is just sad, that's all. Can't he be sad that his best friend – god, more than that to him – left this world? Can't he mourn? Jounouchi doesn't understand him at all.
"Oh! I wanted to know if you wanted to sign Anzu's goodbye card. We're gonna send it in the mail to her. You're gonna need to chip in for stamps if you, by the way. International shipping is a bitch."
"Goodbye card?" Yuugi murmurs. "What's going on?"
Jounouchi might as well get his mouth tattooed in a frown. He's staring at Yuugi with wide eyes and a tilted head. "Anzu is going to America for dance college."
His heart stutters to a stop. His mouth unhinges and hinges right back up as he finds the right words, loses them, finds them, and loses them once again. That – that doesn't make sense at all. That just doesn't make sense. They were the gang – they were supposed to stay together fighting evil and dueling. She didn't even tell him goodbye. Why didn't she tell him goodbye?
"When is she leaving?"
"In, like, two hours? Look, Yuugi, I'm worried-"
Yuugi is up. He grabs his keys before Jounouchi can finish his sentence. He yells a somewhat goodbye to the man as he runs out. Jounouchi yells back, but he hears nothing.
Anzu can't leave. Not yet. That's too fast. That's too sudden. It's – it's-
(It's a sign that everything and everyone is moving on without him and they aren't even taking a moment to mourn Atem.)
ix. you kissed me on the futon, and i think from that moment i was damned.
Atem was his first kiss.
Yuugi was alone. It was somewhere between Duelist Kingdom and Battle City. They had a few weeks where they could just be themselves and be free from all the chaos going on around them. Yuugi found himself playing video games, Atem was exploring his Heart's Room to find out more about his past, Grandpa was out with his old friends to reminisce the good old days, Jounouchi was upstairs snoring like a dog, and Anzu was stopping back at her home to pick up a few more things before she settled in Yuugi's house.
They joked about that a lot and said the last person they needed was Honda.
(But Honda had a loving home with parents who cared and needed him. He had an older sister who tucked him in every night when he was a child. His mom would press kisses on his forehead instead of disappointments. His father held him in his arms instead of holding him down to place the perfect fist. Honda didn't need another home.)
Yuugi was stretched out on his grandpa's futon with his legs up in the air while his head hung off the edge. The blood that rushed to his brain helped him focus on defeating the final boss so he could never play this game again. His fingers moved fast as he tried to keep up with the enemy.
There was no way he was dying this time. Nope. He would have to go all the way back before the stupid cut-scene he couldn't skip and listen to the stupid boss drone about how the stupid main character was going to die. He wouldn't listen to that again for all the money Seto Kaiba could throw at him.
Atem was beside him. He was his rather odd ghost-like form. The sunlight shined through him as he settled down on the floor besides Yuugi's head. He watched the boy play and kept his head tilted the entire time.
"Hi, Other Me," Yuugi said while his thumb jams the buttons. Oh, god. His health was way too low this early on. Didn't the game hide health somewhere?
"Hi, Aibou," Atem replied as he leaned in to 'rest' his head on Yuugi's shoulder. The touch sent Yuugi's nerves into a frenzy. Atem and Yuugi touching outside of their Heart's Room felt like barely touching the surface of a pond with your fingertips, and the waves were licking the skin it couldn't reach. That was the easiest way to describe it, anyways.
There was silence between them except for the stupid television that spat out the stupid insults that the stupid boss was making and Yuugi was just about ready to take this stupid console and shove it right out the stupid-
Atem gripped his chin. Yuugi moved his head when he saw Atem trying to motion it. Their eyes met for a moment. The young teenager exhaled as the world stopped spinning in order to allow a moment of peace for a kindred soul.
And he pressed his lips against Yuugi's own. It felt as if Yuugi kissed a mirror, but his body didn't seem to mind as his shoulders relaxed. He cracked open an eye to hover his hand where the side of Atem's face was. The spirit pulled away with a chuckle, and Yuugi gave a big smile back.
He heard the game go off as his main character lost the last smidgen of his health. Yuugi didn't even bother to look at the screen as Atem gave him a beautiful smile that made the boy's heart flutter, and he already wished he could pull the spirit into another odd kiss.
The game could wait, he decided.
x. i did.
"Anzu! Anzu, wait!" Yuugi calls.
He gives a sigh of relief when the woman pauses. Her body turns to find the person calling her name. Yuugi can't even raise his hand high enough in the air for her to see him among the crowds. The man moves people aside. They hiss, but don't bother to fight as he breaks free from the crowd.
Anzu grips her suitcase just a bit tighter and her teeth catch her lower lip. She watches as he comes to a stop in front of her. He bends over and gasps for air like a moron.
"I heard you were leaving," he starts.
Anzu shifts back and forth on her feet. "I am."
She looks down at the floor, but only for a moment. Her jaw raises before she looks back at him with an unwavering gaze. Yuugi stuffs his hands in his pockets, but tries to straighten his back.
"Why?" he asks. His heart is in his throat, and it's going as if he ran a marathon in two minutes flat.
"I got accepted into dance school, Yuugi. A real dance school in America. It's my chance."
Yuugi shakes his head. The color is leaving his face. His lungs want to take a nap. His mind wants another cigarette. "No. I mean why are you leaving?"
She sighs. They know the answer.
"Because I'm done mourning, Yuugi," she says with a soft voice. "It's time I moved on. You know that."
This is a mistake. A big, huge mistake. He's breathing too fast and too heavy. His lungs now taking in more air than what he needs and making colors swirl. Since when did Anzu have a twin?
(She is just ready. She is ready to give up all the beautiful memories and friendships Atem so delicately pressed into their hands. How can she just forget about him? How can she – how dare she – just move on without so much as time to mourn? It's only been a couple weeks.)
"I'll be back in the summer," one Anzu says. "I promise. I just can't keep mourning anymore, Yuugi. It's been months since Atem left, and I need to be alive."
Yuugi huffs and shakes his head until the twin disappears. He turns away and feels his teeth dig in his lip for a moment before he spits it out, "You could have at least let me know you were leaving."
Anzu places a hand on his cheek to guide him to look back at her. Tears prick the corners of her eyes. She is studying him again, but this time it's because he's a failed experiment that she couldn't wrap her head around. Her hand stays soft against the side of his dirty, tear-stained cheek.
"I did. You never answered."
xi. catch me at the beep.
"Yuugi! It's Anzu. Oh my god, I have such great news to tell you! Call me back so we can figure out a meet-up plan, okay? This is too good to tell you over the telephone. Bye!"
Beep.
"Yuugi, it's Anzu again! Dude, it's been a couple days. I'm dying to tell you what's up. If this is about what happened, I want to tell you that I'm sorry. We can talk about it when we meet up, and I can tell you my news, okay? Call me back soon. Bye!"
Beep.
"Yuugi. It's Anzu-"
Beep.
"Can you just call me back soon?"
Beep.
"If this is about what happened-"
Beep.
"Yuugi, just let me know what's up, okay? Call me back."
Beep.
"Sorry for bugging you again. I just really-"
Beep.
"I'm really worried about you."
Beep.
"You can't keep waiting for him, Yuugi. He wouldn't want this."
Beep.
"Yuugi-"
Beep.
"Yuugi, I'm going to dance school in America. We had a big party for it tonight, but I guess you didn't feel like coming. That's fine. We'll save a big slice of cake for you over at Jounouchi's, okay? Just please call me before tomorrow. That's going to be the last day I can call you before my flight. Bye, Yuugi."
A pause. A big, heavy sigh that is cut off by a sob. She apologizes and tries to go to hang up, but stops. He hears her place the receiver near her lips again as she tries to control her breathing.
"I miss you, Yuugi."
No more new messages.
Yuugi takes his phone off the hook.
xii. a bad arabic movie with a terrible ending.
Yuugi is at a bar.
Hey, he's trying right? He's trying to get out and trying to find comfort in the social scene. He cleaned up for this for your information. A bar is the safest to him. It's full of loud strangers who don't notice him and don't care about him. He's just a ghost.
He's leans against a wall as his gaze passes over the bar. Maybe he should try alcohol? Whiskey, fine spirits, or rice beer that will burn his throat and make him feel nothing. Cigarettes fill his brain with smoke, but alcohol could fill his veins. Yuugi leans his head back and fidgets. He should go home.
And then someone catches his eye.
A man with skin the color of Egyptian sand. He has a big smile on his lips though he is alone. He lights up the entire room. Light catches off the many rings on his fingers and bands of gold on his wrists. A bartender says something that makes him laugh, and Yuugi can't bring himself to look away.
The man meets his gaze. His eyes are not crimson, but they are a rather dashing light maroon. Yuugi smiles at him though it hurts like hell.
The man smiles back.
Yuugi blinks, and he isn't at the bar. He is fumbling with his apartment keys while the foreign man wraps his arms around his waist and places pretty, little kisses on his neck like sweet lies. Yuugi manages to get the lock open in time for the traveler to guide them in.
They're on the futon now. He is underneath the man and clinging to his shoulders. The foreigner whose name he forgot presses his lips against Yuugi's own. They are rough and chapped as they scrape against Yuugi's own lips. Yuugi makes a sound and paws at his arm.
(Yuugi knows Atem's lips would be so much softer and so much sweeter.)
The traveler kisses his neck and goes for the button of his jeans. He whispers in his native tongue for his Japanese is too terrible to cling to in a moment of passion. His other hand is going up Yuugi's shirt. The button comes undone and-
Oh, god. This isn't Atem. This isn't Atem kissing his neck. This isn't Atem whispering in his ear. His skin isn't dark enough, hair isn't the same color, and his eyes are a murky brown instead of that beautiful red that always makes Yuugi's heart stop in his chest. Oh, god. This is a mistake. This is a big, big, big mistake.
"No," he whispers as he pushes at the man's shoulders. "Stop."
It takes a moment, but the other pauses and looks at him. The traveler tries to come up with the right words to say in Japanese, but gives up with a frustrated sigh.
"Stop?" he asks in his native tongue. His language is beautiful with his syllables harsh, but holding a certain elegance to them.
"Yes," Yuugi replies after a moment to recall every word his grandfather pressed into his brain years ago. "Please."
The foreigner is off him in an instant. He stands from the futon to give Yuugi his space. The man is quite kind. He has the biggest eyes as he apologizes in both languages to satisfy the other. Yuugi forces a gentle smile on his lips and shakes his head.
"No. I'm the one who is sorry," he replies. "I'm the idiot here."
The stranger finds his way out as Yuugi pulls his knees to his chest. He reaches for the remote and turns on the television. He buries his face in his hands, and gives out a long sigh that becomes choked. Fake Atem lingers in the hallway before finally deciding to lurk into the bedroom. Yuugi takes in a breath, but it doesn't reach his lungs. It becomes caught and is forced out as a hiccup. He moves his hands to press against his eyes.
"Come back," he whispers to the open air. "Please come back, Other Me. I need you so much."
xiii. alcohol burns my throat, but it never hurts me as much as you did.
Yuugi acquires a taste for alcohol.
Wine sucks (and it's expensive), vodka makes his small body hate him with every fiber of its being, and beer has this stench that reminds Yuugi of bullies.
Yuugi settles on whiskey and rum. Jack Daniels curls up with him every night, and rum joins his coffee every morning. Sometimes he'll even throw back a rice beer if it makes the stars in his eyes grow brighter.
Yuugi is fireworks in a small metal box. He's untouchable and unstoppable. He can drive his car at high speeds, and he can lick poison off the bar tap. He can touch the stars and maybe see Atem in the Afterlife. He's alive.
He can fly high above Domino – and if it turns out he can't, and he finds himself plummeting down to the pavement – he'd be okay with that, too.
(And at other times, he is a demon. He's inhuman, unholy. He can't do anything but sob in his bathroom and throw up everything he tried to keep down. Guilt and pains in his belly make him cry in the shower for hours. The idea of going to the bar sends him into a panicked frenzy, and if he touches the stars he knows he will only get burned.)
(Although, he still thinks he can fly during these times. The only difference is that he knows he won't make the flight, and he's still okay with that.)
Yuugi is sprawled out on the futon. Some infomercial is on the television. The man is only listening to his heartbeat with eyes wide shut.
Fake Atem left not too long ago. Yuugi hears him sometimes. He'll hear the shower running, the floorboards creaking, and sometimes he'll see a flash of the fake ghost spread out on the futon because Yuugi left on those dumb documentaries. He doesn't show himself to Yuugi otherwise.
It's fine. It was only a matter of time before the imposter left him just like the real Atem did.
Fingers bang against his door.
Yuugi frowns and looks up. When was the last time he had a visitor? Days melted and now Yuugi isn't sure about anything. What if he is centuries into the future, and his robot landlord is at his door to scold him? What if he's already dead and this is just how it all starts on his journey?
(Well, now, that would be too easy.)
The man walks up to the door and opens it. He blinks.
Jounouchi is standing there with a smile on his lips. The blond opens his mouth to say hello to his best friend-
And snaps shut.
"Shit, man," he whispers. "What did you fucking get into now?"
It's as if he's speaking a foreign language. Yuugi cocks his head and frowns. Jounouchi's words remind him of a baby trying to get out its first words. The man tries to tune in again as the other pushes his way into Yuugi's apartment.
"Fuck. Yuugi, you're like eighty pounds. How much alcohol can you drink?"
(He drinks whiskey until his stomach churns and empties. Then, it's right back to it.)
Jounouchi picks up bottles to find sense in this madness. His boots crush cigarette butts as he tries to wedge the bottles onto the counter. As he pulls away, however, a bit of alcohol left of the lip of the bottle catches on his finger. The blond turns a shade of green before he rushes over to Yuugi's sink to scrub at his hands.
"Dude, I'm here for you," he says as he turns on his heel. "I love you to death. I mean, you're like my fucking brother, but you know that I can't deal with this. I can't hang out around when I can smell that on you."
Jounouchi is at his doorway now. Yuugi blinks at the sudden teleportation and walks over. The man talks to try to make the Yuugi's face show any other emotion other than stoic and confusion. Jounouchi gives a sigh that makes his hands become fists.
"Hit me up when you're ready to talk, okay? Just please don't fucking kill yourself or anything."
And he's gone just as quick as he came. Yuugi's left there holding the door open and allowing all the evilness of the outside world to slink into his apartment. He clears his throat.
"Bye."
xiv. fly away little bird.
Falling sounds so perfect.
It seems like an ideal way to go. Yuugi could just jump off this ledge. The wind would rip through his hair and roar in his ears. He could think of Atem's beautiful face as the concrete grows closer and closer until-
Splat.
Yuugi sits on the ledge instead. He doesn't aim for the more brighter, people-filled streets. They would see him and call for help he doesn't need. Newscasters would follow the police and film his death for his grandfather to watch again and again for the rest of his life.
No, falling isn't the way to go. It has too much drama and hype.
Pills are nice, but not good enough. Something about them isn't right. They aren't – they wouldn't be...
"Violent," Yuugi breathes out the thought.
He doesn't deserve pretty little white pills and an open casket. All his friends are facing hell because of him. He deserves blood and a casket shut with rusty nails. He deserves to be burned and have his ashes tossed into the bottom of the sea. No, wait. It's too pretty there. Just toss him into the trash right next to the rotten banana and spoiled milk.
The decision is made, and Yuugi breathes out a little sigh and he leans back to stare up into the smoggy night sky.
xv. not every ghost boy can dance, but this one sure as hell can.
Yuugi and Atem danced once.
They were in Yuugi's room inside the Sennen Puzzle. Atem was real there, and his touch sent warm feelings through the teenager's belly that made his heart flutter. They played games, whispered to each other, and laughed a lot.
And one time, they danced.
Yuugi hummed some pop song as he considered his next move. His fingers hovered over a piece, paused, and then went back to a different piece. Atem watched it all with a laugh.
"Aibou, you're singing," Atem said.
Yuugi reached out to grab his knight before the words hit. He can't fight the warmth that finds its way onto his face as he chuckles. "Sorry, Other Me. Just a dumb song."
"It sounds like the song you and Anzu were dancing to earlier today."
"Other Me!" Yuugi breathed. He forgot about the game as he pushed himself up and crossed his legs over one another. Atem stayed on his knees, and gave Yuugi such a wicked smirk in reply.
"What? It's common knowledge. I think even Jounouchi and Honda will find out in due time," he said as he raised an eyebrow at the other. Yuugi sputtered as he tried to find the retort under all of his embarrassment.
"If you tell them, I swear that I will kill you."
"Aibou, I really don't know how that would work-"
"I would make it work."
Atem smile softened into something that made Yuugi's belly flip. The ghost moved the board aside, and didn't seem to mind that the pieces all tumble from the force.
"I'll forget all about if you grant me a dance with you," he said.
Atem would have never offered him a dance a year ago. He preferred crushing souls and taking names way back in the day rather than focusing on Yuugi. His crazed eyes watched anything and everything wherever Yuugi went. They were more roommates than friends. Atem was lucky that Yuugi didn't evict him.
(And Yuugi knew he was lucky as well.)
Atem stood and offered a hand out to Yuugi. The boy took it and gripped the hand tight as he was drawn up. The ghost didn't let go of Yuugi's hand as his other arm curled around his waist. Yuugi brought his hands up to rest on Atem's shoulders in reply.
There wasn't much of a height difference – if there even was any. They saw each other eye-to-eye as they danced. It would have been fine if his mind wasn't freaking out from staring into Atem's beautiful, cherry-red eyes. His stomach was panicking at this point, and is filled his schedule for all the crush-induced ulcers it was planning. His heart felt as if it drank ten Red Bulls and was running a marathon.
Atem sang. His voice was low as it came from deep inside his chest, but it was a beautiful tune. The ghost saw no reason to hide it from Yuugi as they shared this quiet moment.
"Is it okay if I kiss you?" Atem asked.
"Duh," Yuugi responded with a stupid smile before they are overtaken by the spirit's own.
And so, the ghost and the boy danced inside a golden artifact. The spirit sang and Yuugi hummed along as they swayed to a beat they created. They didn't lose their gaze as he spun Yuugi, or when Yuugi attempts to spin Atem (and they get a whirlwind of laughter out of it).
Yuugi had never felt so much peace in his soul. Everything fit into place just as the Sennen Puzzle that released this spirit. They weren't Yuugi and Yami Yuugi in that moment. They were Pharaoh Atem – a soul separated for 3,000 years, and reunited again if only for a short amount of time.
And Yuugi was at peace.
xvi. i'll engrave your name on the bullet so the last thought that goes through my head is you.
Shady men don't require you to have a gun license.
The man is a stereotype fresh from a novel or bad crime show. He's big, dirty, and doesn't ask questions as Yuugi says what he wants to him. All he wants is just a pretty little pistol. Just in case, yeah?
He brings the gun out from a glass case and presses it into Yuugi's hand. It's crafted out of beautiful silver that catches the moonlight and shines it into Yuugi's eyes. The man smirks at him as he points to the price tag.
"You don't exactly look like you got enough in your piggy bank, kid."
Yuugi's eyes refuse to raise off the gun as he places it down on the glass display table in front of him. The guy doesn't seem to blink too bad as Yuugi pulls out a credit card. Kaiba Corporation's logo is embedded on the front with Yuugi's name in silver script.
"You take credit?" he asks.
Yuugi pockets the pistol in his coat that's too warm for fall in Domino by other people's standards. The man raises an eyebrow as Yuugi turns to leave.
"Don't you want bullets, kid? Can't exactly fire without them."
Oh. Yuugi looks over his shoulder and digs into his pocket to pull out fifty cents. He places it down on the case, and the man gazes at him as if he's the stupidest man in the world.
"Is that enough for just one bullet?" Yuugi asks.
xvii. i can lift a car.
Yuugi upgrades. He buys three Jack Daniels bottles instead of two, he now asks for a carton of cigarettes rather than a couple boxes, and he's starting to believe that perhaps he should force himself to do more than order pizza every other day/week/year/century.
He laughs and presses a cigarette to his lips. There is no way out of this now. They'll lie to him if he tried to fix what isn't broken. They'll tell him he's not getting better. They'll yell at him for his greasy hair and yellowed fingertips. Doctors with cold stares and friends with disapproving glares as they judge him because this is all his fault. They're not wrong about that, but they're wrong about him being sick.
Yuugi is titanium. He's moonlight on the dance floor, and he's champagne through a rich lady's veins. He's stardust, meteors, and the moon in the sky. He's the wave before the storm and the eye of the hurricane.
He can lift cars. If he's put under one, he'll lift it up with ease. The alcohol takes away his fear and makes everything clearer while the cigarettes keep him grounded to help him make harder decisions. He can do anything and be everything. He's a ghost in human skin that dances to bad Arabian music and howls at the moon.
He can do anything he wants.
Yuugi presses the bottle to his lips before tilting his head back. God, his throat burns. He coughs and hacks into his sleeve. The alcohol slips down into his belly and warms it. It will rot away his stomach lining and eat away at his throat, but that's okay. He won't live long enough to see that happen.
The cigarette comes next. It's a long and slow puff that he breathes in until his lungs burn and then pushes out until they ache. He's getting a little more skilled these days. His puffs look almost like smoke rings.
He can do anything he wants.
"I want to see Atem again," he whispers.
xviii. play all your cheesy songs now because this is the last chance we have to listen to them.
The night before the final duel, Atem met him in his Heart's Room again.
Silence filled the room as they lost the right words to say. The duo stayed on the floor with their backs pressed up against one another. Yuugi brought his fingertips back to touch Atem's own. Atem instead gripped his hand tight. Their decks were built, hearts set, and they were ready for dawn to begin.
Yuugi let out a breath, and Atem took it as a cue.
"Are you okay?" the spirit asked.
Yuugi's teeth gnawed on his lower lip as he gave Atem's hand a squeeze. "Yeah. I'm okay."
Atem frowned. The connection between their minds sung a different tune, but he allowed it to slide as he gripped Yuugi's other hand and held onto both tight. Atem leaned his head back to rest it on the boy's shoulder.
"Do you wanna go?" Yuugi asked.
"I don't know," Atem murmured back in quick succession. "I love all my friends. I love Grandpa. I love dueling with Jounouchi, and hanging out with Anzu when we get the time. I love playing games with you, and I love spending every day with you. I love-"
He stops then. The words caught in his throat, and his mouth hung open as he tried to figure out how he's going to take back or correct what he was going to say. Yuugi looked over his shoulder to see him, and Atem does the same.
Yuugi stared at Atem with wide eyes and a gaped mouth. The spirit tried to apologize, and tried to let go of the boy's hands. Yuugi only gripped them tighter and turned around so he can face Atem better.
"No, wait," Yuugi murmured. "What were you going to say?"
Atem wanted to try to say that it was nothing, but those words died on his lips. He couldn't say that. They both knew that because it wasn't the way they worked.
Yuugi has only seen Atem's hands shake once. Through all of their adventures – from Yami Marik to Zorc to Kaiba – Yuugi has only seen Atem's hands shake once.
And it's when they came to rest on either side of the boy's face. They shook despite Atem trying to still them on the boy's jaw. His eyes didn't leave Yuugi's own as he leaned forward to rest his forehead on the boy's own.
"I love you," Atem said. "I love you."
"Well, duh," Yuugi whispered back with a soft smile fighting onto his lips. "You better love me."
Atem blinked, and then he laughed. His laughs were big and heavy and came from deep inside his chest. His grip on the sides of Yuugi's face weakened, but Yuugi held them up between his own laughter.
"I love you too," Yuugi murmured. "I love you so much."
Atem moved his hands then and take Yuugi's own. He smiled as he guided the confused boy up. Atem kept a hold on one of Yuugi's hands, while the other placed itself on Yuugi's waist. Yuugi rested his hands on Atem's shoulders in reply. Atem's smile began to shake.
"Dance with me?"
It was hoarse and nothing but a whisper, but Yuugi nodded. They swayed once again as Atem sang, though there was more of a tune this time. There was a lullaby there as they moved back and forth across their dance floor. Atem was smiling, and Yuugi buried his face in his shoulder to hide away what was tickling the corner of his eyes.
"I love you," Atem said. His words trembled on his lips.
"I love you, too," Yuugi replied with broken words that are welcomed by tears. Atem let go of his hand to wipe them away, but he didn't stop their movements.
"Can I kiss you?" he asked.
"Duh," Yuugi whispered back as he took in a breath that stopped short and came out too fast.
It's his last kiss with the person he gave his first to. It was soft, desperate, and everything in between. Yuugi couldn't keep up the movement as he clasped the sides of Atem's face and pulled into the kiss just a little more. The tears rushed out despite Atem's constant tending to them. He still swayed to keep Yuugi in an almost rocking motion to soothe the boy the best he can.
Yuugi sobbed when they pulled away for air, and he hid his face in the crook of Atem's neck. The man carded his fingers through Yuugi's hair as he began his lullaby once again. Yuugi only sobbed harder in reply.
"I love you," Yuugi rasped as he moved away to see Atem's eyes. "I love you so much. I'm so happy you came into my life. I'm so happy that I met you, and I'm so happy that I was able to help you."
His words were quick, desperate little sob-prayers that escaped his lips as he brought his hands up to rub his eyes raw. He hiccuped and took in a breath too fast that made him shudder.
"I'm so happy, too, Aibou," Atem said with trembling words. "You saved me. You saved me from the darkness, from Zorc, from myself. You're everything to me. I would do anything for you, Aibou. Anything."
Yuugi sees Atem cry once and only once. The boy wiped away the spirit's tears the best to his ability, and Atem did the same.
They continued to dance. Yuugi held onto Atem tight as if he was the only thing that grounded him, and Atem held onto Yuugi tight as if he was the only thing that kept them in the air.
Dawn came, and the duel between Atem and Yuugi began.
xix. the game of telephone isn't fun when you're on the other end.
He wants to die.
Yuugi danced around the idea by using pretty words and flowery syllables to make it seem more like an adventure. The alcohol uses tough love on him, and it tells him that he needs to face the music.
"I want to die," Yuugi says. "I want to see Atem again."
The ghosts in his mind come to life with a squeal of delight. They seep out of the man's pores and wrap themselves around him. Yuugi sucks in a breath, and he lets it out in quick succession.
"I want to die."
Yuugi licks the words off his palm and tastes cigarette ash.
(Atem wouldn't be angry at him. It's not like it would be a big deal. It would be like taking an old dog behind the house with a shotgun in your hand. It would be like holding onto a patient's hand as you pull the switch forcing their lungs to fill with air. An act of pity.)
Yuugi sucks in a breath. His body curls in on itself, and his hands grab at his hair.
Oh, god. He wants to die. He wants his heart in his chest to stop, he wants his lungs to no longer inflate, he wants his liver to take a nap, he wants his mind to hit the off button, and and and and-
Yuugi's hands shake like a motherfucker and make him drop the telephone. He hisses and picks it back up to tuck it between his ear and shoulder as his fingers jab at the keys.
Ring, ring, ring.
"Hey, it's Jounouchi! Sorry that I missed you. I'm either sleeping, or don't wanna talk to you. Call me later! Unless, I don't wanna talk to you, of course." Beep.
Ring, ring, ring.
"Hello! You've reached Miho Nosaka and Hiroto Honda. Please leave your name and message at the beep. Thank you!" Beep.
Ring, ring, ring.
"Hello. This is Bakura Ryou. I am very sorry that I missed your call. Please leave your name, message, and company affiliation at the tone." Beep.
Ring, ring, ring.
"You've reached the Kame Game Shop! We're very sorry that you missed your call. Call us again during our work hours, or visit our website that my grandson made. He's such a talented boy, don't you know? I remember this one time-" Beep.
Yuugi pauses. There is only one person left, and it's the last person who would want to talk to him. He taps at the keys.
And the phone rings.
"Please," Yuugi whispers. "Pick up, Anzu. Please pick up. Please, please, please-"
Ring, ring, ring.
"Hello! This is Anzu Mazaki. Leave your message at the beep, and I'll call you as soon as I can!" Beep.
He places the phone back on the hook as if it might break if he's too rough. He's breathing too fast, and it feels as if his lungs aren't taking in any air at all. His hands tremble too much as thoughts race too fast through his head.
Yuugi is alone, in silence, in darkness, and has the memories of Atem. This is just like how he wanted it to be.
Yuugi isn't sure if he's crying, sobbing, screaming, or whatever. All he knows is that he's moving now. He dashes down the narrow hallway that was once decorated with pictures, and he pivots into his bedroom. The man reaches under his pillow and reveals his salvation.
No, there are no tears. This is methodical and simple. He is a surgeon making a precise cut. He is a duelist knowing he must sacrifice his next monster if he is to make an opening in the next round.
He's a suicidal man who knows the only way to make it stop is to get it over with.
"I want to die," Yuugi says.
xx. heart of the underdog.
Yuugi turns the radio up loud. It's the perfect volume so that the landlord won't interrupt, but loud enough to drown out the ghosts in Yuugi's mind. He moves – no, he glides – across his kitchen floor and into the living room. His body twirls and he rolls the pistol in his hand. The ghost boy is alive with smoke in his brain, alcohol in his veins, and death kissing his bloodied lips.
He pushes the coffee table aside. Empty bottles shudder and tip over. They hit the floor and roll away from the damned man. Yuugi doesn't mind as he moves to the center of the room. He inhales. He exhales. He sings the song on radio at the top of his lungs with death wishes dripping off his lips.
It's simple. He will pull the safety, put it to his head, and end it. It's easy. One, two, and three is all he needs to get to Atem. The beautiful, handsome Atem who will sing to him, press kisses into his skin, and eventually forgive him for what Yuugi is going to do.
There is going to be a lot of blood. He hopes the neighbors will hear the shot and just call the cops without trying to check on him. The more experienced professionals won't be shaken up by a dead man with blood in his hair and a smile on his lips. They'll fix him up, clean him, and ship him off in a closed casket so his grandfather doesn't see his face. Grandpa and his friends don't need to see what is going to happen to him. They deserve to remember Yuugi as he was, as he is going to be once this is all over.
He slides onto his knees.
The sides of his face become wet and he tastes salt on his tongue. He's crying simple, little baby tears that drip off his chin. Shouldn't he be happy? He takes in a breath that shudders and hiccups as he wipes the tears away with his hands. The pistol glides across his skin as he does. It's warm like a sweet promise. It's a cigarette or drink that works so much faster.
"I miss you," he croaks. "I miss you so much, Other Me."
His thumb pulls the safety back with a click. He breathes in, and then lets it out as his hand raises.
(It's shaking so much. His hands feel weak and his arms weigh thousands of pounds. The tears return to his eyes.)
He presses the barrel against his temple. His teeth bite at his lower lip as his eyes shut.
(Is this what he wants?)
This has to be it. This has to be what Yuugi wants. He wants peace. He wants sweet relief that sweeps him up and takes him to the only one who will ever own his heart. This has to be done because he can't do this anymore. No more cigarettes, no more rum, no more Fake Atem trying to be the real thing. He can't do this anymore.
One more breath is what he needs. He rests his finger on the trigger. The ghost boy with shaking hands inhales, and the broken man who wants to find relief in it all exhales.
"Yuugi, a champion doesn't belong on his knees."
Yuugi gives a shout and drops the pistol. He scrambles away until his back slams against the futon, and his eyes dart around until they find that is weapon waiting for him. He sucks in a breath.
"I need help," Yuugi whispers. It's broken, cracked, and becomes lost in his tears – but he says it. "Oh, god. I need help."
Yuugi pushes himself off the floor. He moves back once again so he can find a wall to rest on that is far away from the pistol. His eyes move around in the meantime to scan his apartment.
Yuugi stopped using an ashtray long ago from what it seems like. Cigarette butts litter the floor and with every step he hits one. It seems that ants have also began to form their own regime in Yuugi's home. There are bottles everywhere. Oh, god.
His hands are dirty, and he gags as he touches his hair. When was the last time he showered?
"No, no," Yuugi says. He speaks to the ghosts in his mind as they try to reign him back in. "This isn't right. This isn't the way things are supposed to be."
His phone rings. He picks it up on the second ring.
"Yuugi!" Jounouchi says. "I'm so sorry I missed your call, little buddy. Are you okay?"
His voice breaks a dam in Yuugi. He sobs big, heavy sobs that make his shoulders shake before he can stop it.
"Jou," he whispers. "I want to die, and I don't like that at all. I need help. I need so much help."
Jounouchi tries to speak to soothe his friend, but Yuugi is already talking over him. The water held inside this dam is rushing out, and Yuugi can't find himself able to stop. His voice cracks from days of not speaking, but he pushes the words out.
"I'm definitely drinking too much, and I think I'm going to get cancer next week if I keep going. I bought a gun, Jounouchi. I bought a fucking gun, and – oh, god – I thought I was going to use it. I'm so scared, I'm so alone, and I just wanna be with Atem again. I just want to be at peace again, Jou. I wanna be happy."
Jounouchi makes soothing sounds over the phone. Yuugi can hear the jingle of car keys and the slam of a door. "Hey, it's okay, little buddy. I'm here. We're all here for you, okay? Don't you dare hang up on me. I'm coming over."
"But," Yuugi croaks as he looks around. "My house is a mess."
There is a pause before Jounouchi laughs. It's not loud, but instead it's just soft chuckles that break through the surface. "It's okay, Yuugi. I know. Just stay on the line with me."
Yuugi stays. Jounouchi talks and sometimes prompts Yuugi to reply to make sure he's still on the line. He talks about traffic, bad movies that have come out, and yells sometimes at stupid drivers. Yuugi laughs broken, dumb laughs. He clings to the phone as if it's the last line between him and death because it really is.
Jounouchi arrives. Yuugi barely gets the locks undone before Jounouchi enters and gives him the biggest hug he could ever hope to have. Yuugi returns it with his fingers digging into the fabric of Jounouchi's shirt.
"I'm so sorry," Yuugi whispers. "I'm so sorry. I fucked up so bad."
"It's never too late, Yuugi," he says with a smile on his lips. "We'll get you help, okay? You're not alone."
They stay up the entire night. Jounouchi moves the coffee table back and clears it off the bottles. He digs out video games Yuugi forgot he had and they curl up on the futon. They play any random game from shooting games to arcade games. Yuugi wins, of course. Jounouchi just gives playful huffs.
The dawn begins to peek through Yuugi's heavy curtains to say hello. Jounouchi stretches before standing up and holding his hand out to Yuugi. The man takes it as tight as he can manage.
"Ready?" Jounouchi asks.
Yuugi nods even though his hands shake. "I'm ready."
They go to the hospital together.
xxi. I'll keep taking one step after another because I know that I can do this.
"Wow!" Jounouchi cries. "Yuugi, your place looks great!"
Yuugi laughs as he tosses the empty bottle of cleaning liquid away in the trash. He adjusts the kitchen curtains one last time to help the sunlight that is trying to enter his open window. The man leaves the kitchen once he is satisfied and enters the living room. Bakura and Jounouchi are squished on his bright yellow futon with smiles on their lips.
"Thanks," he says. "I couldn't have done it without you guys starting it."
Bakura smiles at him and gives a thumbs up. "Of course, Yuugi! No problem."
"How are you feeling?" Jounouchi asks.
Yuugi squeezes his way in the middle of his two friends. They move the best they before they squish him. "Good! Better. A lot better."
That's not a lie this time around. Cigarettes have become a thing of the past, and alcohol is getting easier to ignore. The ghosts in his brain are sleeping. They will always be there, doctors say, but you can quiet them a lot with help. And for that, Yuugi is quite grateful.
"That's good, little buddy!" Jounouchi says as he slaps his arm. "I missed you a lot. I was thinking about breaking that place to hang out with you."
"Jounouchi!" Bakura cries.
"What?" the other retorts. "It would've been cool!"
Yuugi smiles as he watches his two friends bicker, and then he looks down at his hands. The only dirt under his fingernails came from scrubbing his home. The yellowing on his fingers is dying out. His lungs somehow survived the cancerous smoke while his liver bounced back after a couple weeks of water, juice, and strength.
His body wants to live, and so Yuugi convinces his brain every single day to do the same.
"Guys," Yuugi speaks. "I have an idea, but just tell me if you think it's dumb, okay?"
They lean in close as if he's going to tell a secret. The man whispers his idea with a smile, and they smile back.
xxii. The bridge that I burned can be rebuilt if we both try, I think.
"Hello! This is Anzu Mazaki. Leave your message at the beep, and I'll call you as soon as I can!" Beep.
"Hey, Anzu! Um, it's Yuugi. I'm sorry. Well, yeah. That's a good place to start, I guess. I can't cram everything I want to say right now, so I'll just tell you the basics. I, um, we're all throwing this little celebration for Other Me – like a funeral without all the sad parts. It's just to help bury the hatchet. I wanted to invite you. I know it's not summer yet, but I'll pay for your ticket and everything! If you wanna come, that is. Um, call me back when you can. See you later, Anzu."
A pause.
"I miss you, Anzu."
No more new messages.
xxiii. I can('t) lift a car (but, with my friends, I can).
A party is planned. They choose Honda's house – or, rather, his parents' house since Honda lives in an apartment – and they decorate the backyard.
The entire gang comes – minus Anzu. Yuugi puffs air into the balloons with Bakura while Jounouchi and Honda hang streamers from trees. Grandpa hugs Yuugi a lot, and Yuugi always smiles and gives him the biggest hug back. They don't cry, of course. They're manly men.
Night falls, and everyone begins to arrive.
"Hey there, honey," Mai coos as she presses kisses into Yuugi's cheeks. Her red lipstick stains, and Yuugi huffs in a playful manner as he rubs it away with his sleeve. She only laughs in reply.
"Hey, Mai!" he says. There is a smile on his lips as she moves on to judge the men on how they decorated, well, everything. A normal argument occurs between Jounouchi and Mai, and Yuugi laughs.
The Ishtars are deep in Egypt, but sent Yuugi a letter that arrives right on time. A picture comes along with it – and Yuugi swears he has never seen the three with such nice smiles. He'll have to put it in a frame later.
Otogi comes with dice in one hand and a smirk on the other. Shizuka isn't too far behind as she gives her brother a hug and Yuugi one of equal manner. Miho dashes out of the kitchen to pull her boyfriend along in order to help. Two picnic tables are shoved together and food piled on top.
Everyone finds their seat, but Yuugi stays frozen.
Anzu didn't make it. She never called him back, and she never contacted the others. She's deep in schoolwork and sees no reason to talk to the man who shoved her out of his life. Yuugi shouldn't be so upset. It will take time, but maybe they will reconnect after a while.
"Hey," a woman speaks up. "Where am I gonna sit?"
Yuugi looks over his shoulder, and his heart stops in his chest.
Anzu smiles at him. Her eyes – which are more than just blue to Yuugi – are alight as she waves her passport in the air.
"A week, Yuugi?" she teases. "You tell me a week in advance?"
Anzu doesn't stumble too bad when he throws himself at her. His arms wrap around her waist as he rips her into his embrace. Anzu laughs and returns it. Her arms wrap around him and she holds him close enough for him to hear her heartbeat.
"I'm so sorry," Yuugi sputters. "Anzu, I'm so sorry. I messed up so bad, and I hurt you so much."
He stops short when Anzu places finger placed on his lips. She smiles down at him with tears in the corner of her eyes, and all of the sudden he can feel the same happening to him.
"Yuugi," she whispers. "Your flowers are blossoming."
They all sit down with Anzu placing herself right beside Yuugi. They eat, they talk, and they laugh.
"I remember," Mai coos. "Long before I met you all – I watched Atem and Kaiba duel on T.V. Oh my god, Atem kicked his ass."
Laughter breaks out. Jounouchi gathers his breath in his lungs so he can pipe up.
"Remember when Atem went out on date with Anzu?"
They coo like kids at that, and it's followed by laughter that sends them to tears that they wipe away from their eyes. Yuugi smiles and laughs with them, and finds himself participating without too much pressure.
"Other Me could sing," Yuugi speaks up.
"What?" Jounouchi hollers. "No fucking way!"
"Did he like country or rock?" is Anzu's reply between her laughter.
Their talk continues until everyone is about to burst from the seams with food and happy memories. Yuugi stands up then and goes for the next item. His friends – these people who go through so much just to be there for him – watch as he lights a candle attached to the paper lantern. The object he's holding onto gathers air from the fire and begins to rise. The light catches off the hieroglyphs that spell Atem's name.
"Do you wanna say something, Yuugi?" Sugoroku says as he approaches his grandson and clasps a hand on his shoulder. Yuugi looks around as his friends grow closer. Anzu smiles as she rests her hand on his other shoulder, and Jounouchi brings a hand to rest in his hair.
"No," Yuugi replies with his voice just above a whisper. "I think I got out everything I need to say besides goodbye."
"It's not goodbye," Anzu responds. "It won't be forever, Yuugi. As of right now it's just, 'see you later.'"
Yuugi chuckles. He looks down at the lantern one last time before he lets it slip from his fingers. It takes off and catches a breeze as it goes. He can still see the bright purple-red hieroglyphs, and he smiles. It doesn't hurt.
"See you later, Other Me."
xxiv. I'm so happy that you're smiling again, Aibou.
There is a former pharaoh beside a pond somewhere in the Afterlife. He is on his stomach and watches the pond in front of him with much interest. There is a smile on his lips – which is something the other spirits haven't seen for such a long time.
Atem watches as a ghost who is becoming human once again lets go of a lantern. His smile widens, and he drags his fingers across the pond's surface. The picture breaks on contact and turns back into ripples of water. Yuugi is at peace now, and that's all Atem could ever ask for.
"See you later, Aibou."
End