Episode 1: New Missions
Coulson is filling out paper work in his office. Skye walks in carrying a cup of coffee and a donut for him.
Skye: Here's your breakfast, sir.
Coulson: Thanks for getting it, I couldn't be bothered when writing this.
Skye: My pleasure, director.
Coulson takes a drink of the coffee and spits it out.
Coulson: PPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFF… what the hell is wrong with this coffee?
Skye: I don't know, I made it just the way you asked.
Coulson: A teaspoon of milk?
Skye: Yes.
Coulson: Lucky Cinnamon?
Skye: Definitely Yes.
Coulson: One bag of Sweet n'low?
Skye stops for a moment.
Skye: I might've messed that up.
Coulson raises a brow.
Skye: I might've... put... put Sour n'low in your coffee instead.
Coulson: WHAT THE HELL IS "sour n'low"? Why would you put that in coffee, better yet, why does that exist!?
Skye: I think FitzSimmons brought it from England, they said it gives drinks a "British style lemmony kick". Ironically, they were the first to use up all the Sweet n'low.
Coulson: Well, atleast I have the donut.
Coulson bites into his donut before dry-heaving and spitting it out all over the desk & Skye.
Coulson: Bleh, that donut was even worse!
Skye: Oh yeah, also Director I might've dropped the donut… in the trash can… in Agent Mack's workspace… the day he was working on that mold producing gun.
Coulson puts the Donut down.
Coulson: Thanks Skye, but maybe I just can get straight to work.
Skye: Sure thing director, can you tell the other Agents I nailed this? Sucking up to the current director is social currency in our friend group.
Coulson: Whatever Skye.
Skye leaves & Coulson puts his hands over his head.
Coulson: This is going to be a long season.
Eagle Icon… Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!
The team is working hard. Fitz and Simmons and building the latest equipment, Agent Mack is helping out with the mechanical stuff. May is training with Hunter, while Skye, Bobbi and Trip are watching TV.
Skye: You think we should be training right now with May & Hunter?
Bobbi: No, we're already too good.
Skye: Fair point.
Simmons: But Fitz, that is completely illogical, we're scientists, and no one would want it!
Fitz: Simmons be realistic, if we made an Action Figure line for all of the villains we encountered on our missions. We would be billionaires, trillionaires we could finally buy that Rock-eating repellant!
Simmons: No, it has nothing to do with science!
Fitz: You are saying Simmons, you wouldn't buy a Mike Peterson action figure even if it came with a extra metallic appendages you could give to him? Both historically educational and fun!
Simmons: No, Fitz.
Fitz: Mack thought it was a great idea.
Mack: Fitz, I just said that because you asked me at 12:30 in the night.
Fitz: People always give strange answers at that time, I'm starting to think saving my questions for midnight may not be the smartest idea.
Simmons just looks at both of them.
Coulson: Alright team, stop what you're doing I've got an announcement.
Skye: Can you wait 10 more minutes, I want to finish this episode of Family Feud.
Trip: Dang, Survey asks what can you whip, and he says fish? They cast nothing but dummies on this show.
Bobbi: I agree, if we were on it we would win all the money easily, stop hogging all the doritos Skye, you don't want to look like Agent Mack.
Hunter: Hahahaha!
While Hunter giggling, May punches him from the side.
May: Always easy, who's laughing now?
Coulson just waits for them. They all group up in five minutes.
Coulson: We seem to have a new piece of dangerous equipment on our hands, you all remember Centipede?
Hunter: Actually I don't, I wasn't there for that, you mind explaining it?
Coulson: Uh, no. Anyway, there's a new piece of technology our radars have picked up called "Spider".
All: Gasp
Coulson: When it attaches to the back on your spine it gives powers similar to that of the centipede?
Skye: So, super strength and a bad attitude?
Coulson: That's the thing Skye, we don't know what it does. I need you guys to track down one of the only known people that have it. His name is Peter Pott he lives in LA.
Simmons: But wasn't Hydra responsible for Centipede? Wouldn't it be logical to assume they're also responsible for this Spider technology.
Coulson: A good theory Agent Simmons, but we can't go after Hydra without absolute proof it was them who did it.
Trip: Really? Now S.H.I.E.L.D. cares about having proof and whatnot? That didn't stop us before.
Coulson: Anyway, ignoring Trip questioning the ethics of our great agency, your job is to the find Spider and figure out exactly what it does, and I'll spice it up for you all.
All: Ah!
Coulson: Whoever finds Pott first and identifies what exactly Spider does, will get to have a special meal cooked by me and Agent May.
May: I'm a very good cook.
Trip: Neither of you have shown to have culinary talent, why can't we just do it together?
Coulson: I kind of just want an excuse to make my legendary Fist-Print cookies.
Trip: Fist print cookies?
Coulson: Yes, like Thumbprint cookies, except the hole is as big as a fist, all filled with blueberry jam, wear a bib.
Skye: We should probably get into the Quinjet to land.
Coulson: Exactly, time to roll out team.
Skye, Trip, Hunter, Bobbi, Fitz, Simmons, and Mack get in the Quinjet
Bobbi: I'm gonna crush this Spider, like a bug!
All: Not laughing
Bobbi: Oh come on, I spent literally two hours coming up with that, not one laugh?
Hunter: Spider won't cause trouble when S.H.I.E.L.D. gets it.
Everyone: Laughing
Bobbi: What? That wasn't even a joke, imbeciles!
The Quinjet lands, in the middle of the forests outside LA.
Simmons: You couldn't have dropped us anywhere closer?
She looks behind her to see the jet already gone.
Fitz: They already left.
Simmons: I know Fitz!
Mack: Well, let's get walking.
The team starts walking toward the city. Meanwhile, in the Globemaster
Coulson: So, what should we do now?
May: Don't you have paperwork to do?
Coulson: I finished it all, most of the time I just do work to look busy, if they see me having too much free time and being Director, they'll be a rebellion within the ranks. So I pretend to do work, when I'm really just reading Looney Tunes FanFiction.
May: Really, but since you just told me your plans, we can have fun now.
Coulson:... what do you mean?
May: Mario Kart!
Coulson: Melinda, you are a genius! Start the Wii up, I call Toad!
Meanwhile in the forest the whole team is still walking.
Mack: Walking is hard…
Bobbi: Tell me about it, I've had to go through an entire forest in high heel boots, why do I wear these anyway?
Hunter: Better question, why do I?
Bobbi looks down to see Hunter wearing her high heel boots
Skye: Yeah Hunter, why are… you know what, I don't wanna know.
Hunter: I sometimes like to feel as tall as the big guys.
Hunter puts his arm around Mack's neck.
Trip: Let's stop complaining and keep walking, we're almost to the city.
Skye: I can see it, well mostly the pollution, but that's the city.
Simmons: Let's not get too distracted in the glamor of the big city, we're here on a mission, to find Peter Pott and Spider.
Fitz: We've got our eyes on the prize Simmons, we're so getting that free meal!
Simmons: Right, but we can't let one of our coworkers beat us to it, how embarrassing would it be to get outsmarted by Hunter!
Fitz: I hear ya, back at the base he tried to open a mason jar with his mouth. Don't think he was joking either.
Trip: What's this I hear about trying to find Spider before the other Agents do?
Fitz: Of nothing, just typical Fitzsimmons stuff.
Trip: Man, I want in. The chance to one-up the other agents in front of the director, I need that man. This group is a Social-nightmare.
Simmons: Fine, you can help us, I have just the plan to get us that meal and Spider…
Back in the Globemaster.
Coulson: Oh you are so going down May!
May: No way Coulson, I can beat Rainbow Road in my sleep!
Coulson: Gah, why did I pick the freaking bike!? Ugh!
May gets 1st place, Coulson is in a close 2nd.
Coulson: May.
May (smiling): Yes, Phil?
Coulson: If you tell any of the other Agents about this, I will cut your not talking privileges!
May: How would you do that?
Coulson: I would… make you… talk, whatever!
May: I'm not going to embarass you, don't worry.
Coulson: Thanks, May.
May: Sure thing.
Coulson: Why though?
May: Because now I can use this as blackmail. Get me a Sunny D.
Coulson: Did you just tell the Director what to do?
May: I sure did, now go get it, or else the other Agents are going to hear about your Carebear collection.
Coulson: May, how much dirt do you have on me?
May: You really want me to say?
Coulson: ... probably not.
May: Good choice.
The S.H.I.E.L.D. team is standing outside LA.
Skye: Finally, my legs feel like melted chocolate bars.
Simmons: Well, let's get going (Winks at Fitz).
Trip: I ain't never been to LA.
Skye: Well, you're in luck I lived here for awhile and know all about it.
Mack: You know any celebrities?
Skye: No
Hunter: You know popular tourist destinations?
Skye: No
Bobbi: What DO you know?
Skye: One great Chinese restaurant in Pasadena.
Simmons: Can we just go!?
Mack: Right, we got to be on the look out for Peter Pott.
Fitz: And Spider
The team keeps walking until eventually getting into the city.
Shield Icon
Coulson: We'll return in a moment.
A man on a balcony in the city, and is watching the team through a pair of binoculars. The man looks at Skye especially, soon after he loads a gun laughing, and then leaving the balcony.