DISCLAIMER: Junjo Romantica (anime/manga series) story and characters are owned by the creator Nakamura Shungiku and affiliates. This story borrows characters and situations from the Junjo Romantica series and is 100% fan-made and non profit. Also, suing a near broke college student will gain you nothing! So please don't do it!
This is the first installment to a collection of one-shots I have (and will) write based on specific events from both the Junjo Romantica anime and manga. My focus is, of course, the Egoist couple since I adore them so much. This particular one shot is inspired by one of the extra manga chapters. Nowaki and Hiroki take a trip on a train and while Nowaki is sleeping, Hiro mentions he used to sleep with a light on but prefers that everything is dark as it reminds him of Nowaki. It is also based on episode 3 of Junjo Romatica (the first Egoist episode). I hope fans like this one-shot.
Perspective
The Void and the Starry Night Sky
When did the darkness become so welcoming? I used to sleep with a tiny nightlight near the side of my futon as a child, and as an adult. Somehow, the light provided me with something not even the best of Japanese literature could give. Next to the light I felt safe and at peace—feelings I couldn't get from anything or anyone else, not even from my former love interest Usami Akihiko. I had a complex with the darkness, and it stemmed from the unrequited feelings I harbored for my childhood friend.
Sleeping with a light on started as a simple habit. Over the years, I became accustomed to the small quiet burst of energy that cut through the dark, and it felt unnatural to be without it. My relationship with the light was neutral. I liked having it on, but it didn't have a significant affect on me. When I found that Akihiko had fallen in love with his other friend, things changed. I lost my composure and started to break. It was scathing to realize, after the years Akihiko and I had spent together, after how close we had been, that one person crashed into our world and ruined everything.
Akihiko looked my way less and less. I wanted him to pay attention to me. I wanted desperately for him to notice my feelings. I wanted him to love me and no one else. Akihiko and I became distant during our college years. The closer he drifted towards that other person, the closer I drifted towards the light. Unrequited love gripped me at the neck. The darkness grew unbearable, it reminded me of everything I desired but couldn't have and exaggerated my loneliness. The darkness showed me that I had nothing. I was in a black void.
I dreaded that I had classes late at night because it meant traveling back home from the University in the dark. I made sure to avoid alleys and stayed where the city lights illuminated the streets. I vividly remember one stormy night, I was walking home from the subway station. The rain pounded aggressively over rooftops, producing the sound of falling marbles hitting the concrete. I didn't have an umbrella, but it didn't matter. The noise and feel of the cold rain temporarily soaked away my bothersome thoughts of Akihiko as I focused on reaching my apartment. To my dismay, the electricity in the complex was down due to the weather. That night I tried my damnedest to fall asleep, but the tenebrous void kept gnawing at me. Cruel film reels played of Akihiko walking away from me, going to a place I couldn't touch. A place I didn't belong. I could hear the cracking of my already brittle heart. The sound escalated, growing louder and louder. It was too painful; my passion for him was too painful. My heart drummed unusually hard, weighing my breath.
No matter how tightly I shut my eyes or wrapped myself under the sheets, I could not withstand the spirit-shattering images that encroached my mind and left me to squirm in the shadows. My situation was downright pitiful. The void offered nothing redeeming. In the dark I had no direction, I was lost there. I needed something, anything to hold onto. I needed to reach the light again. I flung from my bed and crashed to the floor. My books came rushing down like an avalanche with pages unraveling as individual texts struck me. I struggled to untangle myself from the bed sheets before I stood and fought my way through the apartment. I felt around, touching for the kitchen drawer furthest to the left and opened it. I grabbed the little box of matches from inside and lit one.
The sight of fire, though minimal, relieved my uneasiness and brought me back to regulated breathing. I searched the cabinet until I spotted the candle I'd received as a house warming gift from my mother a few years back. I brought the fire to the tip of the candle and let the flame transfer. I blew the small one out and went back to bed with the candle burning in my room. I was finally able to sleep, but nothing soothed my longing or my loneliness. I still wanted to pursue Akihiko.
Once I discovered Akihiko was suffering unrequited feelings for his friend I saw a window of opportunity. I blindfolded him, I told him he could pretend I was Takahiro. I wanted us to indulge in the lie, and maybe through that lie he would come to love me once our bodies touched. Nothing good came of it, and I was left with heavy remorse.
I sat on a shaded bench in the park lamenting over events from that night. I had left Akihiko to see the darkness, to envision something he wanted so badly but could never have. I had put Akihiko through the same thing I was going through. I had defiled his sincerity, all for my own pleasure. That's something you should never do to the person you love. I reasoned in that instant, I would never find happiness after what I'd done.
A plastic rocket struck the earth, landing right in front of me. The rapid movement had me jolting in my seat. I was immediately mindful of my surroundings. A young man emerged and knelt to retrieve the rocket. He was tall and gave off a benevolent aura; and, although he wore dark colors he had a special gleam. Tears slid from my eyes and I promptly wiped them away with my sleeve, then I felt a warm hand encircle my arm. I looked up and met a pair of stunning dark blue eyes.
"Nice to meet you. My name is Kusama Nowaki." His gentle voice floated into my ears and lingered there, relaxing every fiber of my being. That's not to say I wasn't baffled by the situation. Everything happen so quickly, I wasn't allowed the chance to think properly. Suddenly, I was being pulled to the other side of the park by a guy I'd only known for less than twenty-seconds. Yet despite the uncomfortable spontaneity, I enjoyed the feel of his hand around my wrist.
"It's okay." He assured as he stroked my hair. His hands were hot, and his touch was reminiscent of Akihiko. I compared the two though I knew it was unfair, but I came to the conclusion that Akihiko's touch was nowhere near the magnitude of this enchanting stranger. I couldn't fathom it then, but I was captivated by Nowaki from the start.
From that point on, Nowaki's presence was a common occurrence in my life. Nowaki, four years younger than myself, possessed a strong and straightforward personality that had me flustered. When he spoke it was with honesty and clarity, and when he didn't communicate with his voice his feelings were evident through his sensitive expressions. In face of his directness, I still couldn't fully understand him or his motives. Why was he so determined to have me as a tutor? Why did he insist on being in my life?
The more I saw of Nowaki, the more my fond feelings for him intensified into something of a fervent nature. The bulb of my light went dull, but I didn't bother to change it. I had dreams of Akihiko's profile fading out as Nowaki's image faded in. My love for Akihiko had evaporated before I'd come to terms with it. I spent most of my free time thinking of ways to cope with my newfound affections. I was reluctant. I didn't want to fall in love again, not if it meant suffering through unfulfilled desires once more. I was finished with one-sided emotions.
My determination to avoid the trap of unrequited love ended up blinding me so badly that I couldn't recognize Nowaki's advances. During naps I felt his lips pressed against mine, but I brushed those incidents off as intense daydreams. I thought I had imagined his hot hands combing my hair and caressing my face. I thought, that because I wanted it so severely, I had imagined Nowaki kissing me as his pleasant voice whispered "Hiro-san" between breaths. I fooled myself into thinking it was all fabricated, that I was nothing more to Nowaki than a tutor, a senpai, and a possible close friend.
"The reason I asked you to be my tutor is because I fell in love with you at first sight."
"I fell in love with your tear stained face, but I want to see you smile."
"Can I be Usami-san's replacement?"
He said exactly what I wanted to hear, and I couldn't believe him. There was no way he could have known about my feelings! I perceived his little confession as his means of mocking me. In an act of impulse, I pushed him away and slammed the door of my apartment. I didn't even consider his feelings. I was so focused on my own thoughts and concerns that I failed to account for the one good thing in my life, Nowaki. He had such a benign personality, there was no reason to think he'd try to trick me or make fun of me. I immediately regretted my actions as I leaned against the door. I listened for Nowaki's voice but heard footsteps instead. When I opened the door, he was gone. I had forced him away, but he still dominated my thoughts and my dreams.
I sat in the café across from the flower shop where Nowaki worked and admired him from the window, all while mentally scrutinizing myself both for what I'd done to him and for furtively observing him like a stalker. My feelings for Nowaki were foolishly intense and impossible to dismiss, but I was too stubborn to call it love. I couldn't erase past events. I'd already told him to never return. There was no point in eyeing someone I couldn't have anymore. It was in my best interest to turn away. I thought I'd lost him for good but he returned later that day bursting through my door, ever the glowing force.
"If all you had before was giving your love, then from now on please be loved by me."
With those words, so precious, Nowaki ripped away every ounce of resistance I'd put forth. We stood in my small room with the hue of dusk showing upon us. His warm chest pressed against my back, his arms encompassed my frame, his cheek grazed mine, and his kind voice sweetly comforted me. In that moment, I knew that everything I wanted and needed was within him. Our lips gravitated towards each other, but he hesitated. I pressed my lips to his cheek as permission to continue.
Nowaki handled me so lovingly, he touched me so tenderly, as if to say he accepted me and everything I harbored. His hot hands melted away all the disappointment and pain that I'd associated with love and replaced it with pureness and euphoria. As we connected, I discovered the happiness for which I'd longed. That night I forgot to turn on my light.
I arose from sleep and my eyes were greeted by the darkness. I noticed tiny specks sparkling in the distance, and for the first time I felt at ease there. I was wrapped in Nowaki's arms and could feel the rhythm of his breathing as his chest rose against me. I let the darkness engulf my sight as I laid my hands beneath Nowaki's black hair. I brought myself closer and nestled my nose in his locks. Black, the color that pervaded my room, the color that had once pulled at my gut and yanked viciously at my heartstrings, had become precious to me.
The darkness I saw was nothing like before. By the second, more specks revealed themselves; the scene felt surreal. The void was traded for a starry night sky. Everything I was missing was bare in front of me. The darkness is welcoming because it reminds me of Nowaki—of his kindness, of his protection, of his love, of his body. The cluster of stars Nowaki unveiled for me provide a path, one that I can only travel with him. I'm not lost anymore because I have Nowaki beside me. I don't need a candle or a nightlight nearby, because Nowaki shines for me alone. He is my light.
End
All of the dialogue in this story was taken directly from the English subtitles of RightStuf's North American DVD release of Junjo Romantica.