"Last one in is on top tonight," Stef recited their old joke as she began taking off her clothes. She remembered that this top challenge had originally started out because Lena loved her on top so much that she never wanted to be first. As a way of switching things up, Stef started making little contests, challenges. In this moment, she had said it as a reminder to herself, let Lena in. Her mom was right, she had been pushing Lena away for longer than cared to think about. Today had been the best day between them in a long time. No, Stef thought, it had never been quite like this.
In this time of trial, at her worst, Stef had felt seen, heard. After having experienced Stef at her lowest, Lena still loved her. Stef had always feared that Lena wouldn't love her if she saw all the insecurity and fears she held inside. She'd always tried to be tough, but she wasn't tough, this thing, this cancer had proven that. She wasn't made of steel and concrete, she was vulnerable, mortal, made of flesh and bone.
When she first heard the news, Stef had felt diseased and tainted. Why would Lena want her? And now her body would be marred, why would Lena want her? Yet, she did. Lena loved her. She should have had faith in their love, Lena had always loved her. Lena would always love her. Lena could take care of her.
At poolside, Stef struggled to take her clothes off quickly, she'd been longing for this swim. How long since the two of them had been swimming? Right, the camping trip, but the kids had been there, and there had been bathing suits. Now, she finally managed to get her socks off and she jumped into the pool, just like in her dream. She dove in, feeling the water surrounding her. She glided swiftly and effortlessly.
For a minute, Lena watched Stef from afar. She had wondered why her wife had craved this particular activity, but watching her now she understood completely. Stef was free, she was strong, nothing could stop her. One of the things she'd admired from the very beginning was how athletic Stef was. Lena herself loved running, but Stef had such coordination, control of her body. She was a natural athlete. In contrast, Lena got in the water with a not so graceful dive. Once in the water, she continued to watch Stef just swim. Lap after lap, till she came up for air.
"Thank you," she mouthed towards Lena.
Lena just smiled in reply, grateful that the neighbors were gone for the week because she really had wanted to give this to Stef as soon as she could figure out where to take her. Fate had provided a nearby opportunity in the form of the neighbor's pool.
Lena continued her study, as Stef playfully floated on the side of the pool and decided it was time to join her. They'd never actually been skinny-dipping. Lena was much too proper to really let go like that. Today, she honestly didn't care about anything but putting a smile on Stef's face. And as she approached Stef, she gently put her hands on her back to get her attention. Stef turned slowly and rewarded Lena with the brightest, most genuine smile she'd ever seen. Lena continued her approach and got close enough to plant a kiss on Stef's lips. Was there anything better than Stef's smooth wet skin against her own? Lena didn't think so.
"Mhmm, baby, you feel so good," Stef could feel Lena everywhere, her nipples could feel her skin. And the thought suddenly brought back all the negative feelings she'd been trying to avoid. She'd never feel this again. She felt the tears stinging at the corners of her eyes. Her first instinct was to hide them, to not ruin the moment. Then, she realized she really couldn't hide anymore. She'd loved the feeling of unburdening herself this afternoon. It had been a great relief to not hold it all in and to feel loved for all that she was. She felt like a weepy mess, she'd been so all day. Even her kids had seen it. Before she could check to see if Lena was aware of her current state, Stef felt her tender kisses on her face, on her pain, on her tears.
"I'll never feel you like this again." Stef whispered. Afraid, and scared, still.
Lena had to admit that this was scary and that it was true. Still, it wasn't the complete truth. She kissed Stef again and took Stef's hand and put it over her own heart. "Do you know where I feel this? I feel this here," she punctuated the words by squeezing Stef's hand tight against her heart. "And this is the only place it counts."
Stef nodded because she did understand that, she felt Lena all over, but the most powerful place was inside her heart. It all led there, the intimacy was about touch leading to this feeling inside herself. It was not about a particular body part, it was the two of them coming together in love.
Lena took Stef in her arms and just held her. She wanted Stef to feel her love, to stop worrying about her breasts and just feel everything else. She turned her around and held her in arms. She knew it would be easier for Stef if they weren't facing each other. At first, she could feel Stef struggling. Then, she felt Stef's head relax, but there was still a little tension in her body. The water gave Lena power and strength, both figuratively and quite literally. She was carrying Stef, spinning her around without much effort. When she finally felt Stef surrender, she knew she wanted to look at her. She took Stef in her arms, in a way she could never do on land. She cradled her like her baby, she wanted to let her know, she could take care of her. She could carry her, she could pick her up when Stef was struggling. She could see the surprise on Stef's face and just as quickly came relief.
Lena was cradling her slowly, lifting her and Stef found once again that she could let go. Lena would pick up the pieces. She was so relaxed, she felt like she could actually fall asleep. And she might have, she had no idea how long Lena had been holding her.
"I don't think you could do this out of the water," Stef giggled.
"You think you're so butch. I could do this," Lena squeezed her tightly.
Stef chuckled in disbelief, "Baby, I am not going to doubt you, but… I think I am a little better suited for that activity."
Lena smiled, "Oh be quiet you," and she swung her, making Stef's head skim the top of the water. Stef chose that time to take some control back. She deftly moved them quickly enough that she had Lena in her arms.
"Hey!" Lena protested weakly. She loved Stef feeling a bit more relaxed.
"I got you now," Stef proclaimed as she pushed Lena towards the side of the pool. She deftly pinned her against the wall and moved her body gently against her wife. Their bodies moved smoothly, the water acting as a natural lubricant as Stef began to kiss Lena. Once again, she felt strong in the water and wanted nothing more than to feel Lena, and for Lena to feel her strength. They got worked up quickly, their breathing uneven, their desire building. She picked up Lena and lifted her onto her waist. Lena wrapped her legs around Stef. They kissed deeply, mouths open, welcoming, tongues probing, their wet bodies pressed tightly together.
Stef stopped things from getting even more heated. "Let's get back on dry land, take this somewhere more private!" Stef couldn't forget she was a cop.
"Oh, honey, let's go." Lena looked around, "Only one problem, I didn't bring towels!"
Stef couldn't care less, she had finally felt free and in control, "Let's shake off the water, put our clothes back on and run back to the house!"
They hoped the trail of water they left on their way up the stairs would dry by morning. In reality though, they didn't really care. Too much was at stake. They'd been playful since getting out of the pool, but the second they entered the privacy of their bedroom, the atmosphere changed. Outside, with the sky as their witness, they felt free and open and new.
Inside their long standing domain, all their years together seem be speaking to them. They could feel the difference. And while neither had assumed sex would happen in the bedroom, they both knew now that it must. They had come in giggling but it all came to a sudden stop when Lena reached over to peel off Stef's shirt. It didn't take long for them to strip naked as they had only put on the minimal amount of clothes to get back home. Once bare, Lena walked into the bathroom and retrieved their towels. She walked back to Stef and started by drying her hair, gently rubbing the blonde curls. She rubbed Stef up and down till she was mostly dry.
Stef took the other towel from her and repeated the process. When Lena was, Stef locked eyes with her. So much of what they'd gone through in the past year would have been enough to do serious damage to most couples. Today, they stood naked in front of each other with nothing to hide. The freedom Stef had felt at the pool had come at the expense of finally, completely revealing herself. Lena had unburdened herself of her secrets at the garage during their talk, but Stef had taken longer to get there. She was sure that problems would surface down the line, they always did. Tonight, she knew with certainty that there was nothing between them, no secrets, no lies, no insecurities. The walls that had separated them had been torn down by the sheer force of the love between them.
Stef took Lena by the hand and led her to their bed. Before letting Stef position herself on top, Lena spoke up, "I believe I lost the bet tonight." She smiled softly.
Stef returned a weak smile and laid down on the bed, knowing that their inside joke was merely a starting point. Lena scooted next to Stef and placed herself on top, feeling the length of their bodies touching. She needed Stef to know how much she loved her, and wanted her. She wanted Stef to know and to feel that love. She looked deeply into her hazel eyes, daring Stef to look away to hide from her, but Stef would not evade her look. Stef returned examination, also finding no reserve in her wife. They spent countless minutes in this position, frozen in wander at the experience. Neither wanted to break the contact, but the moment ended when Lena started to move her body, unable to contain her need any longer. She needed to connect on all levels. Lena had always wanted this woman, from the moment she saw her that day on the school yard.
Stef liked to think that she was always this smooth confident dyke. It wasn't always that way, Lena remembered the uncertain, not yet formed Stef, a scared woman who was unsure of who she was. Lena watched her grow, even before they officially got together. She saw the changes in Stef as she got in touch with long forgotten parts of herself. At first, she'd seemed like a woman trying to be something she wasn't. It had been evident in her hair, her clothes, her demeanor. And Lena had loved her then, because Lena had always seen Stef, all the things that make up this wonderful woman had always been there: the courage, the strength, the love, the laughter. She would love her through all the phases this life would reward them with. She kissed Stef with all the love in her heart and she felt Stef respond in kind.
This type of intimacy was difficult for Stef. It wasn't so much the giving, but the receiving. She couldn't imagine that if Lena saw her this closely, this open, she wouldn't run the other way. There had never been a time when she'd let Lena see her this open. Perhaps, early on, she had. Everything had been so scary. Lena had been her anchor as she defied society and expectations and built a family with her. As she grew in the comfort of her own skin, Stef had closed off, seeing weakness in this type of vulnerability. Perhaps, part of it was her job. Maybe, it was the thought of possibly losing all this. The great irony is that closing herself off had almost cost her this life. And there was nothing she treasured more than her family. Her Lena. There had been rare moments when she'd allowed this. Her wedding night, she had been vulnerable and open then. Then, the turmoil the bullet had left behind closed her off even more. There were also moments late at night, when they'd share a sleepy kiss after waking in the early morning. The world seemed far away and her shield was completely down. Stef would kiss Lena openly and honestly and would relish those few minutes when her worry and responsibility hadn't yet crept in.
Today, having shared all those worries, she felt unburdened. She didn't feel alone, and having shared the load, her heart was light. Nothing would defeat them. Nothing ever could, if they stood together in this love. They moved together with Lena above her, their pleasure shared between kisses and soon their thighs could feel slickness growing between their bodies. Moans grew between them as their pleasure increased. They didn't want to separate but Lena knew that Stef would need a little bit more. She reached between their bodies with one hand, till she reached Stef's wetness. Her exploring fingers were met with a deep groan as they began to explore. Lena's finger set a circular pace on Stef's clitoris. Lena could feel it stiff underneath her finger. Stef began gyrating her hips against the tender finger. Soon, Stef was on the edge and Lena applied a bit more pressure and changed to a faster pace. As Lena watched Stef's face, she felt her body shake as the undeniable pleasure poured out her body. Stef clung tightly, her fingers squeezing Lena's arms, as she rode out her orgasm. Lena felt the small quakes that continued long after she'd removed her finger and held her wife tightly, giving her all the love she had inside. In that moment, she realized how out of touch they had been. There was no denying the tender yet powerful orgasm Stef had just experienced. Lena could feel it inside herself. And yet, she'd missed this. That one time, they had tried and failed, Lena had missed that Stef was not as into it as she thought. She had become so emotionally disconnected that she'd missed all the signs. She herself wasn't interested in the connection, she'd been focused on the orgasm, the sex, not the love. How had they gotten so off track?
"I love you so much Stef." Lena spoke her heart.
"Baby, I love you too." Stef knew the words needed to be spoken, even if they weren't required. Stef knew that Lena was feeling a bit of regret, she could see it in her eyes. "It's in the past Lena."
"I know, it is. I just can't help but feel like we got so lost." Lena settled on Stef again, giving her full eye contact.
"We did, but we found each other. And I am here, and you're here and we have to just keep doing this, keep fighting for this." They hugged tightly, feeling lucky, knowing that not everyone got to experience this.
Lena knew she'd always fight for this, to know Stef in this way. To experience this level of intimacy and love, was the highlight of her life and she'd never let it go. This is all she'd been craving for, ever since the wedding. It's just was just so hard to get rid of all her anger and disappointment. She knew that she'd have to show Stef patience if she wanted this remarkable woman to open up.
Stef knew this would never be a settled issue between them. Their relationship would ebb and flow, but today, today was for them. She needed Lena more than she'd ever needed her before. She flipped Lena onto her back and climbed on top. "Baby, I need you."
Lena smiled at the woman above her, "I am right here, I'll always be here for you."
Stef believed her, and she'd try to always remember this moment when things were clear, without Lena there was no Stef. Without Stef there was no Lena. Stef looked into Lena's eyes, she wanted to get reacquainted with every bit of her wife. She wrapped one of her arms under Lena and held her close to her body. She held her tightly and could feel Lena holding on to her just as close, the pressure of her fingers on her shoulder. She kissed Lena and felt the touch of her lips everywhere at once. She pulled away, staring at the lips that had obsessed her for over a decade. She could see and feel Lena's gasps. She drowned in the feel of this moment. They were as close as they had ever been. They were living the exact moment, together, for each other. Stef looked up to Lena's eyes and they were one.
As fleeting as only a perfect moment can be, the spell broke and they were two people again. She traced her hand down Lena's shoulder, towards her breast. She traced one of Lena's beautiful breasts and knew that if they weren't there, she'd love Lena just as much. Lena would love her too. She kept moving her hand, past Lena's breast down her body till it met with the tips of Lena's fingers. They simultaneously reached for each other's hand and their fingers hugged each other, intertwined in a tight hand hold. Stef brought their joined and hands and kissed their union in reverence to their marriage. She loved this life too, the one that they had built together through years of love. They were the only ones who could take it away from each other. Once again, Stef felt the true commitment of their vows.
Suddenly, Stef was filled with a craving, and she knew only one thing would satisfy her. She slid down Lena's body and kissed every inch of her skin on her way to her goal. She had an oral need to taste all of Lena. Quickly, she landed between her wife's legs. Lena seemed surprised and hesitated before opening them, offering herself to Stef. Lena then raised her legs and bent her knees above herself. She spread wide, needing to expose herself completely to Stef. Stef placed her hands on Lena's thighs and spread her wide, putting pressure as she kept Lena wide open. Her inner lips were glistening and Stef dove into have a taste. She felt her wife's wetness on her chin and her cheeks as she tasted and savored. And for the second time tonight, Lena took her swimming. Stef got lost in her wife once again feeling free and powerful. She swam through the waves of Lena's pleasure till they both crashed on the shores of their bedroom, their home.
"Come up here," Lena finally spoke, whispering her command.
Stef crawled up Lena's body straddling Lena. She kissed her quickly and sat back on her ankles. Now, in clear view was Stef's chest, taking center stage. It's not that they had been avoiding Stef's breasts. In some ways, the whole day had been about them. It was more that they didn't want to make them the heart of their activities. However, it was fitting that they'd end up here, facing their reality together.
"You know I love them," Lena spoke carefully.
Stef nodded. "So do I."
Lena reached up to touch them, "And I have many memories to last me my whole life."
Stef smiled recalling a few of her favorites.
Lena continued to stroke the nipples, watching them harden perhaps for the last time. "But they aren't you, and I've loved them as they've changed with age. And I'll love them as they change to save your life. You are what matters to me. I love that scar on your ankle from when you fell that time at work. I adore that bullet wound I was once so afraid of. I have loved that wound, even though it nearly cost me you. These new scars won't be a reminder of losing you, they'll be a miracle because they saved you. I'll revere them for keeping you by my side." Lena felt her own tears and watched twin pairs slide down Stef's face. She asked with her eyes and Stef gave her permission.
Lena continued her exploration, determined to have Stef feel every inch of skin on her chest. She kissed, she sucked, lapped and adored. She even bit with as much pressure as she knew Stef could tolerate. She didn't know how long she'd been doing it. She would have kept going all night but Stef's voice pushed through her consciousness. "Please, Lena, make me come."
Lena did not let go of the breast she currently had her in her mouth. She repositioned Stef above her, forcing her to squat above her as she reached between Stef's legs once again. This time she quickly pushed a finger inside Stef and used her thumb to stimulate her clit. Stef craved more and reached in between her legs to insist for more. Lena inserted four of her long slim fingers in Stef and watched Stef rub herself firmly on Lena's hand. Lena sucked harder and harder on Stef's nipple as she felt the force of Stef's body nearly bend her hand backwards painfully. She ignored everything but Stef's pleasure, and continued her movements till Stef shook hard above her.
They stayed like that until Lena had to speak, "I think you broke my hand."
Stef chuckled and removed herself as she climbed off Lena. She shivered as she felt Lena's fingers exit her. "I hope it isn't broken because I don't think we're done yet."
Lena smiled as she squeezed her hand back to life, "I have another hand."
Stef giggled knowing that no matter what, they'd make it work as long as they did things together. "I changed my power of attorney." Stef whispered.
Lena looked back at Stef, "You didn't have to."
Stef shook her hand, "I did."
Lena nodded, smiling, another tear falling freely. Lena would fight hard to never lose that trust again. "Thank you." They snuggled together, huddled for the a long night, the first in this new phase of their life together.