Hello again! I'd like to thank everyone who checked out my first story, as well as thank those who sent me very kind and encouraging reviews!!!! I hope you all enjoy this story too!!!
This one is a post-ep for 5.09 aka 'The Box', but I tried to write it keeping in mind what goes down in the next episode - i.e. they're together but taking baby steps.
I own nothing - CBS or Paramount or whoever owns CSI:NY and the song All We'd Ever Need belongs to Lady Antebellum. Once again, all mistakes are purely my own.
All We'd Ever Need
I should've been chasin' you
I should've been tryin' to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should've said all the things
That I kept inside of me
And maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need
~All We'd Ever Need, by Lady Antebellum
It had been an interesting past two days for Danny Messer to say the least.
Finding a body in a compacted car. His conversation with Lindsay in the junkyard. His attempt to get her to talk to him, which she rebuffed, before he went back to the lab. Then seeing her at the clinic, the look of panic in her eyes at seeing him before hurrying back outside. The lockeroom. 'I'm pregnant.' 'I'm not expecting anything.' Running into each other again at the lab, Lindsay trying to explain and him shutting her down. Spending the entire night unable to sleep, instead staring at the sonogram, trying to understand that the little speck was his child, his and Lindsay's child.
His bike ride to work the next morning, remembering the slightest upturn at the corners of Lindsay's mouth as she handed him their child's first picture. Spilling his guts to the Harrises. 'Whatever you do, son, don't let yourself have any regrets.' Standing beside Lindsay watching the Harrises with their grandson, realizing that that would be them soon. Feeling Lindsay reach out him and hesitate, and then reaching out to meet her halfway. The electricity that passed between them in that small and brief gesture, filled with hope and optimism, before reality reared its ugly head once again.
Hours had passed since then, and as Danny sat on his couch, he felt like his emotions were going to swallow him whole. In that moment, he thought that this was probably what Lindsay had been going through for weeks: uncertainty, fear, cautious joy, so many unnamed things. In his mind, Danny started replaying the past few weeks, finally understanding why Lindsay seemed so distant and hesitant around him.
It appeared that, consciously or unconsciously, Lindsay was preparing herself for what she assumed was inevitable: single parenthood, on top of having to still see and work with her ex/baby's father. Her words had indicated that much to him.
It all left Danny feeling like such an ass – for not telling her about Rikki, for pushing her away after Ruben's death and thinking the worst of her for trying to help, for seeing how strained their relationship was after getting back together and not doing anything about it, for his behaviour the past two days, for so many things – but to his surprise, Danny felt absolutely no regrets about what had transpired between them the night of her rainwalk that had led them to where they were today. Sure, he had always been responsible about using protection – so had Lindsay – but with all the uncertainties that night, taking the proper precautions had seemed of little importance in the moment.
And now, Danny couldn't stop looking at the sonogram.
He'd only had it for less than 48 hours, but it was already worn from the countless times he had pulled it out to gaze at it. He also couldn't stop the smile that spread over his face as the image of a mini-Lindsay came to mind, or of a little boy with his smirk but her eyes.
Sure, he was scared out of his mind, but what seemed scarier to him was that possibility that none of this was real. Or worse, that it was real and that he would let it all slip right through his fingers.
Danny realized that his only chance was to go see Lindsay, spill his guts, let her say her piece, and pray that she was willing to let him stick around, not just for the kid, but because the thought of permanently losing Lindsay from his life was too much for him to handle. Despite all the crap that life had thrown at him, Danny hoped that he could come out on top this time, with an amazing woman by his side and their beautiful child.
Determined not to waste anymore time, he left his place and headed to Lindsay's place, but an idea popped into his head before he went very far. Smiling as he hailed down a taxi, Danny hoped that his detour wouldn't take him too long to complete.
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An hour later, Danny arrived at Lindsay's apartment building, bearing gifts not to grovel with but ones that would hopefully show Lindsay what his intentions were. He considered ringing her buzzer, but fearing she wouldn't let him in, he decided to wait for someone to come along who could let him in.
Luckily, an elderly lady who he often rode the elevator with was leaving, and she smiled at him in recognition as he reached out to hold the door open for her. Hurrying inside, he waited forever for an elevator to reach the lobby before taking the quickest ride up to Lindsay's floor ever. Now stood before her door, Danny took one long and deep breath before knocking.
He heard her shuffling toward the door and watched it open, her hand keeping it in place as she called out. "How much do I owe you?"
Receiving no response, she looked to see who was outside, shocked to see Danny and not the delivery boy she was expecting. Noticing for the first time that she was glowing, just like all the clichés said, though she also looked exhausted, Danny tried to make light of the situation.
"Actually, I'm the one who owes you something."
Failing miserably, Lindsay started to shut the door on him when his arm thrust through the space, his hand holding a single daisy. From behind the door, he heard her ask, "What's with the flower?" to which he quickly replied,
"I saw it on the way over and thought of you. It's a peace offering – I just want to talk, we really need to talk. May I come in, please?"
The door swung open slowly and Lindsay reappeared, gesturing for him to come in as she made her way back into the apartment. Closing the door behind himself and removing his jacket and shoes, he started towards Lindsay on the couch when there was another knock on the door. Placing the daisy on the coffee table and waving Lindsay off as she made to get the door, he paid the delivery boy with the money she left by the door and took the bag of food.
He started to make his way to the couch with it when Lindsay said that she didn't feel hungry anymore and asked him to put the whole bag in the fridge. He asked her if he could have a glass of water, which she agreed to, before disappearing into her kitchen.
He quickly re-emerged with his glass of water and placed it on a coaster on the table before picking up the daisy and placing it in the water. He smiled sheepishly at her annoyed look before they both stared at the flower, such a loaded symbol for them both. As the silence dragged on, Lindsay grew more agitated and decided to speak first.
"You said you wanted to talk, so talk, because I'm really tired Danny."
"OK, umm, I wanna apologize for my behaviour these past few days, I kinda reacted badly to everything that's gone on."
"Alright, I appreciate that. You can go now."
"Whoa, I said we need to talk, not just me."
"Well, I said that I'm tired and I really don't have anything to say to you."
"Bullshit! 'I know you…I'm not expecting anything from you'… what the hell is that!?"
"Well, I doubt that it's that far off…"
Danny knew he shouldn't rile her up, but he couldn't take the passive tone in her voice any longer.
"DAMMIT LINDSAY, STOP PUSHING ME AWAY!!"
"WHAT, LIKE YOU DID AFTER RUBEN DIED!?"
And therein lay the elephant in the room, the one subject the two had glossed over while trying to rekindle the flames.
Too anxious to sit still anymore, Danny began pacing the room, speaking quickly.
"Look, you can't imagine how sorry I am about all of that and how much I wish I could take it all back. I know you were only trying to help me like I tried to help you the year before, and like you pushed me away then I did the same – and worse. I slept with Rikki to try and stop the pain, never realizing what I was doing to you until you said 'I've fallen in love with you and now I have to figure out how to let that go.'
"After you walked out, the entire thing came crashing down on me. I tried to talk to you, but you weren't ready. Then you showed up at my door soaking wet and instead of talking, we end up doing the only form of communication that we have never had any difficulties with. Then, boom, we're back together, having never talked and we go on for months in a relationship that isn't jiving – and we both know it – and we just ignore it and here we are now, in a whole new situation."
Taking advantage of Danny's pause to breathe, Lindsay asked "What are you saying Danny?" though she really didn't want to know the answer, fearing the worst.
"I'm saying that we should've fought for this relationship months ago, for what we had before. I should've let you in after Ruben died instead of turning elsewhere. Both of us should've tried to talk this out instead of burying it, so that we wouldn't be here now, unsure of what a baby will mean for our relationship and scared about how the other will deal with the news.
"But most of all, I'm saying that I'm determined to fight for us now, not only because of the baby, but because when I look at you I see the man I wanna be, the man that I could be, and because the thought of you not being in my life scares the shit outta me. I don't want to lose the kid, our kid, but I don't wanna lose you either."
Tearing up at his confession, Lindsay patted the couch next to her, indicating for Danny to sit down again. Once he did, she took his hand gently in hers and began to speak, the malice of earlier now completely gone from her voice.
"I'm sorry for what I said to you earlier, not just tonight, but in the lab too, and for keeping this from you for so long. I was just so afraid of what would come next. I was keeping the baby either way, but the prospect of single parenthood freaked me out.
"I'm also sorry for not trying to fight either – it was just so much easier to pretend like nothing was wrong, but it only made everything worse. I guess what I've been most afraid of was not the baby, but the prospect that our relationship is so screwed up beyond all repair, before we had a chance to really begin it…"
Lindsay's voice trailed off as her chin fell to her chest and she began to softly cry. Danny reached out with his other hand to lift her chin and turn her face to his, wiping the tears away gently, and gave her hand a reassuring squeeze while it lay still joined to his on the couch.
"Linds, I want you to hear me right now: I'm not going anywhere. You're never gonna be raising this child…our child all by yourself. Even if we go our separate ways, God forbid, this child is a part of me, you're a part of me, and that's never gonna change, no matter what. Please, get that image right outta your head, OK?"
Lindsay's head slowly began to nod.
"Alright, good. Now, ever since you walked into my life, you've become the most important thing in my life. Sure, I still care about my family and friends, my job and everything else, but nothing comes as close to meaning as much to me as you do, and I feel the same way about our baby.
"I've come to realize that no matter what life throws at me, if I have the two of you I'll be OK because you're all I need and will continue to be all I'll ever need in my life. So, I hope that OK with you."
A smile started on Lindsay's face, one to match his own.
"I think I can live with that, because it sounds perfect to me."
With that, the smile on Danny's face grew, and he brought their still joined hands up to his lips to kiss the back of her hand.
"But Danny, aren't you scared about the baby and whether we're ready for all this?"
"Sure I'm scared – I'm not even completely sure that I can name everything I'm feeling right now – but I do know that we can do this if we do it together. I'm certain about that, and I'm also certain about another thing: every time I think about our baby I can't stop smiling and I don't want that feeling to change, ever."
Lindsay beamed at him, softly whispering, "Me, too."
Danny abruptly got off the couch to retrieve the bag he had left by the door. Seeing the confusion on Lindsay's face, he hurried back to the couch to explain.
"I almost forgot, I got you something. Now, before you start protesting, it's something practical, but I hope you don't have it already." With that, Danny pulled out a copy of What To Expect When You're Expecting and handed it to a smiling Lindsay.
"No, I don't have this. I've been too scared to get it, and I couldn't bring myself to buy it until you knew I was pregnant. Thank you."
"You're welcome. Now, I got something else too, but I'll let you do the work this time."
He handed her an unwrapped box and she opened it, gasping when she saw its contents. As she pulled it from under the tissue paper, Lindsay began to cry as she held the tiny white onesie covered in giraffes in front of her face.
"I saw that in the store while I was looking for something to get the baby and I remembered you telling me about your favourite stuffed animal as a kid, Wally the giraffe, and it seemed…"
Lindsay's lips crashing down on Danny's stopped his explanation.
It was not a hungry kiss, but one of such joy and happiness, something that they both had been lacking lately. When the kiss ended minutes later as the need for oxygen became too great, they shared shy smiles while Danny picked both items off the couch and placed them in the coffee table. Turning to face her fully, he began, "Can I…" as Lindsay immediately understood what he was asking.
Lifting her shirt to expose her still flat stomach, she took his hand in her shaking one and put it on her stomach, placing hers over top. In a completely unexpected move, Danny leaned forward, placed a gentle kiss to her belly, and whispered "Hi baby" before pulling back to look at Lindsay, his face wearing the same expression it did while watching the Harrises with their grandson.
Lindsay, who had managed to keep it together so far, completely lost every bit of composure she possessed as a loud sob escaped her throat. Before a second could follow, Danny pulled her into his lap and she clinged to him, finally letting everything out: The pain of their fractured relationship. His betrayal and being pushed away. This unexpected pregnancy and trying to hiding it. Their awkward reconciliation. Her fears over single parenthood. Nicole Harris. The past two days.
What had been said this night.
The giraffe onesie.
'I'm not going anywhere.'
How his accent thickened when he whispered to the baby.
It all just hit her at once and she couldn't stop it, no matter how hard she tried to. Thankfully, Danny didn't care as he stroked her head and back, whispering for her to let it all out, that it was OK, that he had her.
This continued for half an hour, until Lindsay had cried so much that she had worn herself out and was now asleep in Danny's arms. When he was finally certain that she was out, he carried her to her bed and placed her in it, pulling the covers over her and tucking her in. He started to step away when her hand shot out quickly and grabbed his arm.
"Please don't go," she choked out with new tears brimming in her eyes. Crouching down in front of her, he placed his hand on her cheek.
"Shh, it's OK. I'm not going anywhere. I just gotta grab a pair of sweats and change, then I'm gonna turn the lights off, make sure the door is locked and then I'm coming right back, OK?"
Lindsay nodded as Danny moved to kiss her quickly, but softly on the lips. She closed her eyes again and he got back up, deciding to go about his business in her apartment first.
He returned to her bedroom quickly, noticing that she was already asleep again. He found his NYPD sweatpants that he had left at her place to sleep in and changed into them before taking off his shirt to reveal his trademark white wifebeater. Putting his clothes on a chair in the corner of the room, he joined her in bed, though it was only 9:30 pm, as his own inability to sleep was catching up to him.
As soon as she felt him get in the bed, Lindsay instinctively rolled over, coming to lie almost completely on top of him, as she always did when they shared a bed. Tightening his grip on her and leaning down to kiss her forehead, he whispered "Goodnight" to her and quickly rubbed her belly, causing her to smile in her sleep and snuggle further into his body.
Closing his eyes, he went to join her in sleep, his last thought being that while everything was not completely fixed between him and Lindsay, they had finally taken the first step in the right direction.
And that made him smile, too.
Thanks for reading!