Summary - This is a spoof of The Ami-Makoto Affair, a Sailor Moon fanfiction by Bill K. Extreme crack. Rated T for sexual content (nothing too explicit).
Pairing - Sakaki/Kaorin (in fantasy), hints of various others (and by "various others" I really mean "nearly every conceivable combination, for crack's sake") for your reading pleasure.
Disclaimer - Azumanga Daioh belongs to Azuma Kiyohiko, Sailor Moon belongs to Takeuchi Naoko, Kannazuki no Miko belongs to Kaishaku, and Strawberry Panic! belongs to Kimino Sakurako.
* * *
"Come on, where are they?" whined Tomo as she continued to pace round and round the room.
Osaka and Chiyo were sitting around the kotatsu in Chiyo's bedoom, waiting for Sakaki and Kaorin to arrive so they could exchange gifts (it was Christmas Eve, after all). Earlier that afternoon, Kaorin had gone gift shopping, and had insisted that Sakaki accompany her, until the tall girl finally relented. The two had not been seen since. Meanwhile, Kagura and Yomi lay back on Chiyo's expansive bed, each lost in her own thoughts.
"Tomo-san, please," said Chiyo, "it's only five-thirty. There's still plenty of time."
"Time for what? It's all Kaorin's fault for keeping Sakaki away. That's why they're late!"
"Keeping Sakaki away?" Kagura said, snapping to attention and repeating Tomo's comment. "Why, did you want some alone time with Sakaki too?"
"No, I do not! Unlike you, I've got better things to fantasise about."
Kagura ignored that comment and merely said, "Like Yomi?"
"Huh?" Yomi snapped to attention upon hearing her name.
"Never mind," said Tomo quickly, "but I wish those two would hurry up and come. I wanna party!"
"Hurry up and come?" Kagura began to snicker.
"Yeah, that's a Freudian slip right there," Osaka agreed. "You feelin' okay, Tomo?"
Kagura laughed even harder. "Even Osaka thinks you're weird! That's a new low even for you!"
"You must be out of it. Come sit by me at the kotatsu," Osaka offered innocently. By this time Kagura was holding her sides from laughter.
"Shut up, Kagura," Tomo said, ignoring Osaka. "You and your boobs just can't take a joke, can you?" Tomo snapped, trying to act like that was not an accident, and she had meant to make a sexual pun.
Kagura stopped laughing instantly. "Will you stop obsessing over my chest? Anyway, you're one to talk, Miss Tinyknockers!"
"Everybody, please calm down!" Chiyo finally spoke up. At this, everybody shut up, except for Tomo.
"Probably off having sex somewhere," she muttered.
That "revelation" even floored Kagura and Yomi.
"Tomo! Not in front of Chiyo-chan!" Yomi called from the bed.
Osaka giggled. "Ah-hah-hah, even Sappho sometimes nods." The others turned to her, confused.
"And how would you know about that?" It wasn't a very good comeback and she knew it, but Kagura felt that she had to say something.
"Because I just do," Tomo said, as if that explained that. "I'm telling you, they're--"
"So the probably becomes I'm telling you," Osaka noted.
"--licking the sweat off each other's naked bodies at this very moment."
"I just can't see those two together," said Kagura. "Sakaki's probably afraid of Kaorin--"
"--I think we're all afraid of Kaorin--"
"--and Kaorin's just so weird, it'll never work."
"Exactly!" Tomo said, her fist raised triumphantly. "Kaorin's so weird, that's why it works!"
"Huh?" Osaka and Kagura both asked.
"Let me enlighten you," Tomo said, standing up and taking up a position at the front of the room. "See, Kaorin's got no chest" --Kagura chose to ignore Tomo making another comment about chests-- "which kinda makes me wonder if she's really a..."
* * *
"...man, it's cold out here," said Kaorin to Sakaki. The two were standing alone on a street corner, neither having much luck in her gift-shopping.
This is it, self. There's no more time to wait. This is the opportunity you've been waiting for.
"Umm... Sakaki-san?"
"Hm?"
"So, ah... what do you think?"
What a stupid phrasing. I'm way more articulate in my diary!
"They're really nice," Sakaki said. "Don't you think so?"
"Yeah, they are..." Kaorin trailed off, blushing when she realised what "nice things" Sakaki was referring to.
Or not. Sakaki continued, "I mean, Chiyo-chan's going to love this book on American architecture, and Yomi said she needs a new recorder for music class -something about Tomo accidentally sitting on the last one- and Osaka--"
"That wasn't what I meant," Kaorin interrupted.
"But they're our friends. And your gifts..." Sakaki trailed off, not having the heart to tell Kaorin that, unlike Sakaki, she herself had only bought one gift, for her "secret admired" (she wouldn't say who).
"I meant," Kaorin said slowly, "what do you think," she paused, "of... of me?"
Sakaki said nothing. Kaorin advanced on Sakaki (they'd been standing on the same street corner this whole time), who immediately backed off. Kaorin advanced, Sakaki backed off, and eventually Sakaki's hand came into contact with a brick wall.
Kaorin manipulated Sakaki around the corner, where there was nobody. Perfect.
"I-I want you, Sakaki-sama," Kaorin said simply. "I'm tired of waiting."
Sakaki shook her head no, but Kaorin ignored her. "Don't you want me too?" Sakaki shook her head no, but Kaorin ignored her. "I know you do. I can make you want me." Kaorin rubbed her body against Sakaki, pressing her against the wall.
Sakaki felt an odd sensation between their crotches. Something very... solid.
Then Kaorin slid down her skirt and panties. Sakaki glanced down and was shocked to see a small-ish thing between Kaorin's legs.
"Want me, Sakaki-sama," Kaorin said simply. "Want me."
* * *
"What the hell was that?" Kagura asked. The colour had gone missing from her face and taken up residence in Chiyo's, whose face now held enough colour for two people. Yomi was so stunned that she'd not even bothered to cover Chiyo's ears. Osaka, for her part, was alternating between different expressions and shades of red, as if trying to decide which one she liked best.
The first to regain her composure (after Tomo, of course) was, surprisingly, Chiyo. "Kaorin's a girl," she stated. "She doesn't have a... a..."
"Of course not," Tomo said, "it's a--"
"Finish that sentence and you die where you stand, Takino," Yomi called from the bed.
"And if I say it anyway?" Tomo's voice contained the barest hints of fear and arousal. But she never did say it, a glare from Yomi being enough to shut her up.
"Wait, time out," Kagura spoke up. "How would you know about any of... ah, such things?"
"Don't tell me you don't know," Tomo said teasingly. When Kagura didn't say anything, Tomo launched into an impromptu song:
「そんな～、そんなが～」って、皆皆はね、
神楽を除いて、知って知ってる！
神楽、急いで！神楽、急いで！
"Sonna sonna ga" tte, minna minna wa ne,
Kagura o nozoite, shitte shitteru!
Kagura, isoide! Kagura, isoide!
She says "no way, no way", but everybody,
Except for Kagura, knows, they know!
Hurry up, Kagura! Hurry up, Kagura!
Kagura's face was flaming, and she looked like she was about ready to pounce on Tomo. Only Yomi was holding Kagura back and preventing her from leaping from the bed and giving that wildcat a piece of her mind.
Finally Kagura calmed down and sputtered a comeback. "First you want Sakaki and Kaorin to hurry up, now you want me to hurry up. Who's next? Osaka?"
"I'm next?" Osaka piped up. "Is this a game? Is it my turn yet?"
"Oh, no," Kagura said, realising what was about to happen.
"Fine, I'll take a turn," Osaka said airily. "Tomo's doin' it wrong anyway."
"What was that?"
"Osaka-san," Chiyo said in a desperate bid to regain order from the chaos, "please don't bother. Kaorin doesn't have... um..." She turned to Yomi. "Are there girls like that?"
"Come here, Chiyo-chan," said Yomi, "don't listen to those idiots."
"I think you've blown the poor child's mind," Kagura commented in Tomo's direction.
Chiyo, who along with Osaka had been sitting at the kotatsu, stood up. "I'm not a child, Kagura-san! I am twelve years old!"
"Hey, I want my turn," Osaka said placidly, before Chiyo and Kagura could get into an argument. She really didn't like to see her friends fighting, any more than Chiyo did.
"Osaka wants a turn," Kagura muttered between snickers.
"Did you think of something?" Tomo asked her sister-in-arms. Osaka stood up and walked to where Tomo was standing, and Tomo sat down at the kotatsu.
"Yeah," she smiled. "How's this sound?"
* * *
It was that class trip to Okinawa a few months ago. We'd all been allowed to wander around for a while before meeting up at the hotel, so we split into smaller groups. Chiyo-chan and I went to this one temple that had a bunch of shiisaa, and she taught me some basic Okinawan. Ah-hah-hah, that was fun. "Shiisaa yaib--"
* * *
Osaka stopped talking as she felt a tug on her sleeve.
"Um, Osaka-san, I think you're drifting off the topic."
"Ahh, sorry, Chiyo-chan. What was I talkin' about again?"
"We were on Okinawa, and we split into groups. I think you were about to say something about Kaorin and Sakaki."
"Oh yeah," she said. "So it was right after the incident with the 'fisherman' shirt, when Kaorin was 'fishing' for a compliment from Sakaki, and ended up getting one from Kimura. Creepy, huh? But that didn't matter, 'cause the idea was still in her mind that she'd..."
* * *
"...talk to you about kanji," Kaorin said, after changing her shirt (and remembering to get a refund, of course) and catching up with Sakaki. That would be the mini-group for the day, she decided.
"About kanji?"
"Uh-huh. It's for a class project," Kaorin lied smoothly. "We have to go round asking people about their names. How do you write your name?"
In truth, Kaorin had forgotten that there are multiple ways to write "Sakaki" - most use the kanji for the sakaki tree, but there are some older ones too. But Sakaki didn't notice Kaorin's slip, and merely said, "With the kanji for the sakaki tree. Do you know how to write it?"
Kaorin nodded. How could she not know? Not that she was about to tell Sakaki that, of course. Anyway, even if Kaorin didn't know about the different transcriptions, that didn't deter her interest in the raven-haired goddess whose namesake was the sacred Cleyera japonica. She pressed on.
"So, ah, is there a story behind your name?"
"Not really," Sakaki admitted. "It's a tall tree, and everybody in my family is tall, so it just came naturally. It was that or Takako," she said with a slight blush, by way of a joke.
Then Sakaki did something that Kaorin wasn't expecting. She turned to her and said, "What about your name?"
"I, well, uh, nothing special there," Kaorin babbled.
"Please? I told you about mine."
How could Kaorin refuse a request from Sakaki? And she did have a point.
"Um, I just use the hiragana, but it's written with the kanji for 'scent'," Kaorin said lamely. "Sorry, I don't have a little story or anything like you do."
"No, no, it's... it's nice. Your name."
"R-really?"
Sakaki nodded. Kaorin moved forward and wrapped her arms around Sakaki, burying her face in Sakaki's chest. Single tears moved gently down her cheeks. Sakaki was startled, but returned the hug.
"I'm sorry, I'm such a crybaby," Kaorin said. "But nobody's ever told me that my name's... nice. And I'm so happy that we're finally talking."
In the hair of the girl named for scent, Sakaki's nose caught a faint whiff of something citrusy.
Scented shampoo. That's kind of cute, actually.
"It's all right," Sakaki said kindly. "Please don't cry."
* * *
"Boring!" bellowed Tomo.
"Heyyy, that's mean, Tomo," said Osaka. "I didn't say that about your story."
"Way too forward for Kaorin," Kagura agreed. "Sorry, Osaka."
"How would you know?" Osaka asked, almost sadly. "She hasn't been coming on to you... has she?"
"Of course not," Kagura said reassuringly, though Osaka didn't seem convinced. "It was a good story, though."
"Of course you'd stick up for Osaka," Tomo interjected.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Tomo-san, Kagura-san, both of you please calm down," said Chiyo, who by this time had taken up Yomi's offer and gone to sit with her on the bed. Osaka decided to follow suit, and went to sit with Kagura on the bed. Now everybody was on the bed, except for Tomo, who was still seated at the kotatsu.
"It's warm and tender and beautiful," Osaka said. "What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing's wrong with it, Osaka," said Kagura, "it just doesn't sound like them."
"Oh, listen to the expert," said Tomo, rather annoyed. "We all know how you'll find any and every excuse to compete with Sakaki."
"Quiet, you."
"Anyway, there's a hole in your story, Osaka," Tomo continued.
"What's that?"
"If we split into smaller groups, and you were with Chiyo-chan, how do you know what happened with Sakaki and Kaorin?"
"Um... I talked to Sakaki, and I got it out of her. Somehow." Thrown for a loop by that one, Osaka didn't really know how to answer.
"Do I have to tell you lot how it would happen?"
Kagura's question was met with an emphatic "No!" from Tomo, who didn't want to be outdone, and Yomi, who'd had enough.
"Well," Kagura continued, ignoring them, "Kaorin's plan would fall flat, because she'd be thinking about Sakaki so much that she'd forget some detail or other. In fact..."
Muttering "excuse me, Osaka," she slid off the bed and went to where her fellow Numbnuts, Tomo and Osaka, had stood previously.
"In fact, her plan would be so outrageous that it would result in some new relationship. Just not that pairing."
"You and Sakaki, am I right?" Tomo heckled. "You want her for yourself and you know it. At least you have a realistic chance."
"Tomo, don't make me--"
"Get on with it," Yomi said with a sigh of (exaggerated) exasperation.
* * *
Kaorin hissed with pleasure, the air of the cool summer night causing a tingling sensation in her breasts, especially when Sakaki reached up to undo her bra. Being tall had its advantages, as Sakaki could reach up and undo Kaorin's bra while still kneeling in front of her. Kaorin helped by shrugging off the straps as soon as the cups were separated. The front-hook bra fell down soundlessly behind Kaorin, where it joined her skirt and panties, already pooled around her legs.
Her chest was nothing compared to Sakaki's. It was like comparing a housecat to a tigress, in her honest opinion. But Sakaki didn't seem to mind, and as a result, Sakaki's comforting touch overcame Kaorin's shyness about her body.
"Sakaki-san," Kaorin murmured as Sakaki reached up and caressed her small breasts, "I'm reaching the sakai (limit) of my patience. Please... what you want... it's right in front of your eyes, literally..."
"No."
Sakaki's reply startled Kaorin. This was supposed to be a good dream!
"You've been waiting for so long, haven't you?" Kaorin nodded. "Then you can wait a little longer."
That made sense. After all, goddesses were timeless.
The scene shifted. The meadow underneath them turned to grey rock.
"Make that a lot longer," Sakaki said. "I have to distance myself from you, to become... almost your enemy, in a way. Maybe in the next life, we can be together."
"Nooo--"
"--ooo!"
Kaorin woke up with a start.
"Kaorin! Are you okay in there?"
"I'm fine, Mom!"
Her alarm was going to go off in ten minutes anyway, so she got up and shut it off.
"That's it," she told herself sleepily, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. "No more Kannazuki no Miko before bedtime."
Later, at school, Kaorin approached Tomo and Chiyo with a plan to get Sakaki's attention, but it was so stupid that it backfired before the three of them even reached Sakaki. (Besides, Tomo and Chiyo didn't want to paint leopard spots in henna all over Kaorin's body, as Kaorin herself had originally requested, especially after Tomo and Chiyo realised that "everywhere" meant "everywhere". They settled for a leopard costume instead, and the next weekend, the four (including Chihiro) had quite a time trying to find one made to fit Kaorin's petite frame, as such costumes tend to be made for... well, full-figured women.)
But Tomo and Chiyo-chan had so much fun that they ended up really liking each other, and so they decided to get together. The end.
* * *
"The end? That's it?" Tomo's voice was laughingly indignant.
"Yes, that's it. Why, what were you expecting?" Kagura asked, then decided that perhaps she'd rather not know. "Anyway, I gave you a nice long fantasy to play with, didn't I?"
"Not doing me any favours."
"Sakaki's not the only tall one in our group," Kagura reminded Tomo as she went to sit back down with Osaka.
Tomo chose to ignore that (at least for the time being). "That could be your fantasy, for all we know."
"No way!" As if to prove her innocence, Kagura continued, "Anyway, that couldn't have been my fantasy, because... well, because there aren't too many good front-hook bras in my size, so there!"
It was a good idea, but it backfired. Tomo left the kotatsu and climbed onto the bed, on all fours in front of Kagura. Now all five of them were on the bed. Yomi and Chiyo were sitting together, Kagura and Osaka were sitting together, and Tomo was staring at Kagura.
"Oh, so you have been thinking about it. 'Front-hook' bras, leave it to you to include that detail. Of course you're probably just jealous that I have no trouble finding decent bras in my size."
"I didn't need to know that."
"And you say I'm obsessed with your chest?"
"Both of you are obsessed with Kagura's chest," Yomi said dryly. "Anyway, how did Tomo and Chiyo get involved in this?"
"Yeah. Chiyo-chan and Tomo? Together?" Osaka wanted to know.
Sadly, timing was not on the Kansai commentator's side, as the door happened to open right when she said that, and in walked Sakaki and Kaorin, having finally finished their Christmas Eve gift shopping.
"That was an odd comment," Kaorin said, walking into the room. "Did we just hear what I think we heard?"
Even Sakaki had to raise an eyebrow, as she walked in behind Kaorin. "Chiyo-chan? With Tomo?" She looked round at the others, and being behind Kaorin, was able to cast an oh-so-quick glance at Kagura's chest without drawing Kaorin's attention. Or anybody else's.
"Um, well, uh, nobody you'd know," Kagura babbled.
"I could've sworn you were talking about Chiyo-chan and Tomo, um... together," Kaorin said, with a bit of emphasis on the last word.
"Chiyo-chan?" asked Sakaki. "Is it true? Are you...?"
Chiyo giggled nervously. "Oh, no, Sakaki-san, it was just a misunderstanding. Tomo-san and I are just friends. Right, Yomi-san?" she asked, turning to Yomi.
Surprisingly, Yomi was at a loss for words. More surprisingly, she was saved by Kagura. "No, you just misheard, Kaorin."
"How did I mishear 'Chiyo-chan and Tomo'?"
"Because," said Kagura with a tone of indignation. She wasn't actually that annoyed, but it did give her a moment to think.
"Because why?"
"Because we were discussing Tamao and Chiyoko, who everybody calls Chiyo-chan. And in Strawberry Panic! we think they could get together, if Chiyoko would stop obsessing over Nagisa," Kagura said, the stop obsessing bit meant as a clear hint to Kaorin.
"It's Chiyo, not Chiyoko," Yomi commented.
"Aha!" Tomo left off from Kagura and turned to Yomi. "Yomi likes Strawberry Panic! I knew you were secretly a le--"
Kagura lifted one leg and tipped Tomo, still on all fours, onto her side, causing her to break off in mid-sentence. Both Osaka and Chiyo giggled at that.
Kagura put her leg down and turned to Kaorin. "And that's how it is."
Everybody fell silent. For Kagura to have such a wonderful plan... well, that's a once-in-a-lifetime moment, isn't it?
Our story would have ended here, had Kaorin not spoken up. "Yomi's right. It's Chiyo, not Chiyoko. I read those novels too."
Tomo rolled onto her back and laughed lightly. "Well, I guess Kaorin and Yomi can get together, since they've got something in common."
"Excuse me?" both Kaorin and Yomi asked.
"I thought we were talking about Kaorin and Sakaki," Osaka said idly. "Is the game over?"
Kaorin turned to Osaka. "What game?"
Yomi put a protective arm in front of Chiyo and indicated the Numbnuts with her other arm. "The three of them have been gossiping about you and Sakaki and your supposed romance."
"Yomi!" yelled Tomo. Yomi extended one leg and pushed Tomo off the bed. Tomo landed on the carpet on her bottom, which made Osaka giggle.
"Our romance?" Sakaki asked. Did that mean... did that mean...
"What made you three think that we were having a romance?" Kaorin said evenly.
"She started it," Osaka and Kagura both said, pointing to Tomo.
"And you two quickly tried to dissuade her, correct?" Kaorin continued, directing her gaze at Yomi and Chiyo. The silence told her all she needed to know.
"Why would you think that? About us?" Sakaki asked.
"Tomo's got a dirty mind," said Osaka. "Is there a dry-cleaner's for people's minds?"
Chiyo giggled despite herself.
"Hey, Kagura's the one who came up with that sexy dream," said Yomi.
Now Kaorin was pissed. "You fantasised about me having sex with Sakaki-san?"
"You say that like I did something wrong, like you don't do that anyway," Kagura said with a shrug.
"How dare you say that?"
"Like this: 'You say that like I...'"
Before Kaorin could pounce on Kagura (which she really wanted to do at that moment) Sakaki put an arm around Kaorin's waist and held her back.
"I'm not... into girls," Sakaki said. "The rest of you can pair up any way you want, that's fine, but... no thanks, not for me."
Kaorin and Kagura and Yomi and Chiyo exchanged looks. Only Osaka and Tomo didn't: their interests were directed elsewhere. They glanced at each other, then at the others.
Tomo got up and ran to Sakaki. "I'm sorry Sakaki, really! I'll do anything!" At this, Tomo clasped Sakaki's hands pleadingly.
"Oh yeah?" Kaorin asked, momentarily ignoring the sight of Tomo holding Sakaki's hands. "How about you do Sakaki-san's homework for a month?"
"I'll do anything else!"
"Yeah, Sakaki, you do want to pass, don't you?" Kagura jabbed.
"Before you two get in a scuffle," Sakaki said quietly yet firmly, "I think the three of you owe us an apology."
"Sorry, Sakaki," said Kagura. "We were talking and didn't know when to stop."
"Both Kagura and I had some wild ideas," said Tomo, letting go of Sakaki's hands, "and... I'm sorry too."
Everybody turned to Osaka, who said placidly, "Hey, at least my version was the cleanest."
"Osaka," everybody said with a bit of exasperation.
"All right, all right," she said with an apologetic smile, "I'm sorry too."
"We accept," Sakaki said for both herself and Kaorin.
"Did you hear that?" Tomo muttered to Kagura, sitting on the floor next to Kagura's side of the bed. "Osaka's version was the cleanest. How about you and your sexy dream?"
"At least I didn't give Kaorin 'extra parts' in my story!" Kagura hissed back.
In an instant Kagura joined Tomo on the floor, where they began some playful wrestling interspersed with colourful commentary. Yomi rolled her eyes and waited for it to blow over, while Osaka and Chiyo both scooted next to each other and found themselves oddly entertained by Tomo and Kagura (even if Osaka wouldn't explain parts of the commentary to Chiyo "until she was older"). Sakaki and Kaorin both looked at each other and sighed with resignation.
Then each noticed that the other one really was kind of cute.
* * *
Final notes - If you're still with me after all this, I'd like to thank you for reading. This story was crack (extended crack at that), and I thoroughly enjoyed writing this little romp of a story. Further, I tried to include little moments for as many pairings as possible, to keep everybody happy. Hopefully your favourite pairing was in there somewhere.
O-yomi itadaki, arigatou gozaimashita!
Thank you very much for reading!
~ Flower of Paper