It was awful and a relief and oh god scary all at once. What had she done to Dean? All of the mistakes that Rory had been making over the past few months suddenly caught up with her. What a horrible girlfriend she had been.
This was a good thing, right? Dean was collateral damage in the grand scheme of things. She got to be with Jess now.
She was going to be with Jess now, right?
Rory's brain made her doubt, made her wonder if it had all been one sided. Simultaneously she was sad for Dean, angry at herself, scared of this new situation, worried about Jess's feelings for her, excited at the prospect of being with him.
Her mom didn't like Jess. She had made that clear enough. This was bad. This was very not good. This was pretty much the first big thing that she and her mom had opposing views on. God! What was going on with her?! She couldn't like someone that her mom didn't like and approve of… could she? She didn't want to disappoint anyone.
And yet she already had.
After all, Dean had been so good to her. He was really the perfect 'first-boyfriend' a girl could have. It sounded cliché, but in Rory's head she heard herself saying that maybe Jess wasn't her Mr. Right, but he was her Mr. Right Now. She didn't need to justify anything.
Right?
Then again, Dean wasn't her Mr. Right either. There was something about Dean that was comfortable. She could see herself being with him forever, but she didn't want to. Dean would never move past his golden years at Stars Hollow High, playing sports and enjoying the town with his girl, his wholesome, sweet, perfect girl, on his strong arm. He wasn't destined for greatness. He was too…. in her head Rory wanted to say 'boring,' but she ended up with 'safe.'
Safe was better. Boring is only negative. Safe is good. People like safe.
Just not Rory.
Rory wants passion, and intelligence, and flirty banter that goes beyond an eighth grade comprehension level. She wants someone that challenges her, someone that she can't get into a rut with because the relationship isn't predictable. She doesn't want to get complacent.
She wants to get laid.
Did she really just think that?
Rory berated herself mentally. Dean, sweet, gorgeous Dean always was cautious with her, always let her know that they never had to do anything she wasn't comfortable with. Dean, who looked at her for permission every ten seconds just to make sure that it was okay. Dean, whose hands never roamed too low, who never tried to learn her body.
Jess, if nothing else, was superior to Dean in his ability to make Rory feel like a woman. Here she was, a girl who had never felt that rush, that heat, that bliss. She was untouched, even after being with Dean for so long.
She and Jess would barely be able to keep their hands off each other. They would not suffer from any lack of passion, nor would she worry that he would not be able to make her feel…
Rory blushed, and anyone watching her must have wondered what had just been going through her head. And whatever they thought, they would be right.
She shouldn't be thinking like this. This was irresponsible. This was not good, Harvard bound, Lorelai's perfect daughter, Rory. No, that Rory was gone from the moment she chose to indulge Jess's rebellions, his attentions, his presence. She should have known from the start that this would happen.
Now she wondered, somewhat hesitantly, if it would all be worth it. Had lust driven her to make this choice? Would anyone ever see the Jess that she knew, not the one that he showed the world? Did that side of him even exist, or did she create it in her mind because it was what she wanted to see? Was this relationship fated to fail?
Here Rory was, talking like this was already happening. She didn't even know if Jess wanted it… her. She thought… but she had been wrong before. So wrong.
And yet…