Stan was behind the register taking inventory of his new novelty baseball bats and slingshots when he heard the front door open. Since the Shack was closed, he figured there was only one person it could be.
"What'd you forget this time, Soos?" Stan asked without looking up.
"Expecting someone else?"
"Rico?" Stan perked up at the sound of the familiar voice. He saw that there were two shady men with him as well.
"Long time no see, Stan," said Rico. "Piece of advice: if you want to fake your own death, pick a better name. I mean seriously, Stanley Pines to Stanford Pines? I didn't think you were that stupid."
"Well, I doubt you're here for a friendly visit. What do you want, Rico?"
"I guess I have to jog your memory. You owe me money."
"I figured the statute of limitations would have kicked in by now."
"Nobody rips off Rico." He snapped his fingers and his two henchmen opened their coats to show their guns. "Nobody."
"No need to be such a drama queen. I'll pay back what I owe you." Stan was a reasonably successful business owner who wasn't in desperate need of money like when he was a young man.
"Not so fast. You've got thirty years of…interest…to make up for."
"I have no interest in your interest. I'll pay the original debt. That's it." Stan didn't flinch as they reached for their guns. "If you shoot me, you get zilch. You have no idea where my safe is."
Rico forgot how frustrating Stan was to deal with. Nothing ever seemed to intimidate him. He always came back with a snarky comment and somehow talked his way out of getting cement shoes. "Boy, Stan, you haven't changed one bit-"
"Grunkle Stan!" A girl's voice rang out from upstairs.
"Who was that?" Rico thought he saw a flicker of panic in Stan when the girl called to him.
"Uh, nobody. Just some kid I'm babysitting. Barely know her." Stan tried to stay stone-faced. Getting back into his old groove dealing with dirt bags made him forget that his charges were upstairs.
"Grunkle Stan, it's movie night!" This time, it was a boy's voice. "We got all your favorite snacks!"
"Two?" Rico wasn't imagining it. Stan looked afraid for the first time since he's known him.
"HEY! SHUT UP! I'M BUSY! AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING DOWNSTAIRS!" Stan addressed Rico again. "I forgot there's two of them. I care so little about them that I can't even tell them apart."
Rico thought Stan still had his old tricks, but he was nowhere near the great liar he used to be. "Then you won't mind if my boys go…quiet them down."
That was the goons' cue to go towards the staircase.
"No!" Stan stood in front of the armed men to block their way to the children.
"If I didn't know any better, Stan, I'd say you cared about those brats upstairs."
"Then it's a good thing you know better. I told you, those kids don't mean anything to-"
"Grunkle Stan?" Mabel's voice was no longer upstairs, but right behind him.
"What's going on?" Dipper had come downstairs as well.
"What did I tell you two about coming downstairs?" They recoiled at Stan's dangerous tone.
Dipper looked angry and hurt. "We just wanted to-"
"I have better things to do than waste my time entertaining a couple of dumb kids." Stan felt terrible about treating the kids so harshly, but he had to get them out of here. "Now get back upstairs and don't come out for any reason!"
"Grunkle Stan, why are you being so mean?" Mabel was on the verge of tears.
"Don't be so hard on him, kids. He's just trying to convince me he doesn't care about you," Rico interjected. "Unfortunately, it's not working."
The goons pushed Stan aside and pulled out their guns. Their hurt expressions turned to terror and they both let out a gasp.
"No, Rico, don't hurt them."
"Then I suggest you choose your next words carefully, Stan."
"Look, I've got a safe under my bed. The code is 618. Take as much as you want. Just give the kids back to me."
"Fine." Rico motioned for Dipper and Mabel to go to Stan. They ran into Stan's arms. He gave orders to his goon. "Go get the cash."
"What's going on, Grunkle Stan?" Dipper asked.
"An old business associate of mine is collecting on a debt."
"I know bosses have to be aggressive, but this is ridiculous," said Mabel.
"Don't worry, kids, he'll collect his money and be out of our hair."
He came back with a pile of cash. Stan should be upset at losing his life savings, but he was just thankful he didn't lose a lot worse. He held the kids tighter.
"Alright, my debt's been paid. You can go now."
"Not quite yet. I did say that you built up some interest."
"What do want? My stuff? My merchandise? Take it."
"No, it's a different kind of payment. I have to teach you a lesson about trying to skip out on me."
Stan knew what that meant. He always figured this was how it would end for him anyway. As long as Dipper and Mabel were safe, he'll accept his fate. "Okay, just…just don't make the kids watch."
"They're not gonna watch." Rico nodded and one of the goons snatched the kids out of Stan's grasp while the other held Stan back. Dipper and Mabel were forced to their knees in front of Stan. "You are."
"No…oh God, no. Rico, please don't."
"You brought this on yourself, Stan." Rico's goon pointed his gun at the back of the frightened kids' heads.
"So kill me. Kill me, not them." Stan never cried in front of Rico, but he had never been this desperate. "Please, I'll do anything."
"You should have thought of that before going soft. This is why men like us shouldn't have families."
"He's not like you," Dipper said.
"What'd you say, brat?"
"Grunkle Stan is nothing like you." It was clear from Dipper's voice that he was scared but still spoke with conviction.
"He loves us. And we love him." Mabel's teary eyes met Stan's. "We love you, Grunkle Stan."
"Aw, what a loving family you got yourself. Too bad it couldn't last. Say goodbye to your babies, Stan."
Dipper and Mabel pressed their heads together and shut their eyes. They squeezed each other's hands tight as braced themselves for the bullets to enter the backs of their heads.
"Mr. Pines?" Their execution was interrupted by the sound of a familiar voice. "It's me, Soos. Sorry, I forgot my-"
As Soos entered the front door, he stopped dumbfounded at the scene before him as they were all taken aback by the wild card. Stan used the distraction to push the goon holding him into the one about to kill the kids.
"Soos, kids, get out of here! Run!"
The kids did run, but instead of going out the door, they grabbed novelty baseball bats from the shop and went back to defend their uncle.
"Leave our Grunkle alone!" Mabel swung the bat at one of the goon's shins while Dipper slammed his into the other goon's gut. They doubled over and dropped their guns. The twins gave one another a smile and a nod before hitting the goons over the head and rendering them unconscious.
"You idiots can't even handle two children?" Rico picked up one of the guns and aimed for Dipper and Mabel. "Guess I'll take care of this myself."
"No!" Stan threw himself in front of the kids. He would take the bullet knowing it belongs in him, not his innocent niece and nephew. Stan felt something whirl past his ear and knock Rico out. When he turned around, he saw Soos had aimed a slingshot.
"Nobody messes with the Pines family. Not while Soos draws breath."
"Soos, you did it! You saved us!" Dipper said.
"Yeah, I think Soos deserves a promotion. Right, Grunkle Stan?" Mabel asked.
Stan didn't respond. He just stared at them.
"Grunkle Stan, are you okay?" Dipper asked.
Stan would have laughed if he could. These kids almost get shot in the back of the head, and they were asking him if he was alright.
Mabel picked up the bag of cash that was dropped to the floor. "Here's your money, Grunkle Stan."
She put the bag in Stan's hands, but he never took his eyes off her and Dipper. He tossed the money aside and enveloped the kids in a bone-crushing hug.
"Oh, kids, I'm so sorry," said Stan.
"It's not your fault, Grunkle Stan. That Rico is a bad man," said Mabel.
"So am I."
"That's not true. You were going to sacrifice yourself for us,"
"Yeah, if that's not a good guy, I don't know what is," said Mabel.
Now it was Stan's turn to be crushed by the twins' embrace. He didn't deserve these kids, but he thanked God that he had them. He thanked God that he didn't lose them today. He thanked God Soos forgot something for the one-millionth time.
Speaking of Soos, he had been watching the touching scene that moved him to tears. "Aw, dudes, you're making me cry."
"Soos, you idiot, we're trying to have a family moment here." He was about to apologize for interrupting until Stan opened his arms to make room for Soos the join the group. "So get over here, you big lug."
Soos squeed in delight before joining the Pines family.
"Aw, Grunkle Stan, you softie," Mabel reached over to wipe a tear from Stan's face.
Wait, now Stan was crying? Great. He supposed Mabel was right: he'd gone soft. But as he held his three kids in his arms, he decided that was okay with him.