A/N: This idea came from a conversation with PBCD, the story is set after the "almost kiss" scene of Ep6 and is based on the question, "What would have happened if Lord Grantham had indeed dispensed with Bates' services?" I had to wonder, how would Anna have reacted and just what would she be prompted to do? There are many ways this could go and I'm sure there are many little plot ideas that could be formed from that question. Here is my little idea, totally AU of course and I have conveniently "done away" with Vera. (Well, she's an inconvenience to me! :D)
As always, I own nothing!
A NEW BEGINNING
A great deal has happened to me in the last few days. In fact, when I think about it, a great deal has happened to me in the last two years. I've done a great deal of growing up, I thought I knew what I wanted from life, but I didn't, not until I met him.
I stand in the little bedroom where we've been staying for the last two days. Outside, the sound of the docks clang and bang as the world continues on without me. I hear the seagulls screeching and swarming overhead and the sounds of the men who work here, laughing and calling to each other.
I look about the squalid room; my room at Downton was simple, but this, this is below basic and certainly not up to my standards of cleanliness. However it was all we could find at such short notice and the landlady asked no questions, though she raised a knowing eyebrow as we asked for lodgings.
On the bed, my carpet bag waits next to his and I busy myself with a final check that I have everything I will need. I position the little letters on the top of the bags, one to my mother and one to Gwen. I will send them just before we leave; it will be too late then for them to do anything about it. Too late for them to try and change my mind, not that my mind can be changed, I'm more determined than ever.
I go back to the window and take up my position again, watching and waiting for him to return. I find myself thinking back to how I have found myself here, waiting at Liverpool docks for a boat to take me, take us to our new life. How can it only be a week ago that I was living such a different life?
I never imagined I'd be the sort of girl who ran away with a man, it never entered my head that I would do such a scandalous thing, but I did and I would make that same decision time and time again if it meant I ran away with him.
Personally I blame Lord Grantham. If only he hadn't dispensed with John's services, if only he hadn't sacked him, then we'd both be still at Downton and none of this would have happened. But he did sack him; the stain of John's past was too much even for the kind-hearted Earl. As soon as he found out about John's past, his prison sentence for stealing, he found it "impossible to keep him on, it was a hopeless case..."
I knew there was more to it; I knew it wasn't the whole story. His Lordship knew it wasn't the whole story as well. He looked into the case himself, he found out that John's wife was dead, she'd died in hospital over a year ago and therefore could not corroborate John's story. His Lordship could only make his decision based on the facts before him, John was a convicted thief and he could not stay. I think back to how I tried to make him change his mind.
I go to the Library after lunch, I know his Lordship likes to spend time reading and he prefers the solitude of the Library for such activities. I knock politely, my heart pounding into my ears, I step inside,
"Carson..."
"Beggin' your pardon m'lord," I say as I move into the Library. Lord Grantham looks up at me in surprise.
"Anna. What can I do for you?"
"It's about Mr. Bates." I say, stepping a little closer.
Lord Grantham sighs and sits back in his chair, "Yes, dreadful business all of this, but there's nothing else to be done."
I clutch my hands together to stop them from shaking, "Couldn't you reconsider? I mean, does he really have to leave?"
Lord Grantham studies me carefully, already I have said too much, left myself open to questions I would rather not answer and his Lordship would rather not ask. "I'm afraid not Anna, no."
I take another step, desperation begins to set in. "But, he's done nothing wrong!" My tone is sharper than I had intended but I continue anyway, "He's a good man, he doesn't deserve this. Please?"
"This is all very honourable Anna, but my decision has been made. He has to go." I see the look on his face; I know what he is thinking.
"He won't get another job." I say, my eyes meet his and I try to make him understand.
"I'll give him a good reference. Now if that's all..." Lord Grantham turns back to his book.
"No your Lordship," I say, I even shock myself; the look on Lord Grantham's face is incredulous. "I beg your pardon but..." I pause and sigh, "He's not a thief, I know he's not a thief, can't you give him another chance?"
Lord Grantham sits up again and looks at me, "The answer is no Anna." A look of pity crosses his face, "I'm sorry."
I open my mouth to speak again but he holds up his hand, "Let's leave it there before you say something I may have to reproach you for."
He turns back to his book and the conversation is over. I turn and leave the room forlornly, my only chance of saving him is over and I have failed.
Later that evening, Mrs. Hughes calls me into her parlour and my heart sinks. I know exactly what she is about to say, no doubt his Lordship has spoken to her, told her of my actions in the Library. I prepare myself for the worst and stand defiantly before her.
"I wanted to talk to you about this afternoon. His Lordship tells me you are rather upset about Mr. Bates leaving; he fears you may have developed an attachment to him." Mrs. Hughes clearly feels awkward; in all the years I have worked here she has never had to speak to me in this way.
"I am sorry for my actions in the Library," I say with little conviction, "But his Lordship is wrong to sack Mr. Bates, he's done nothing wrong."
Mrs. Hughes bristles at my tone, though she doesn't comment, "That's for his Lordship to decide, not you."
"But..." I begin. She holds up her hand to stop me and I close my mouth again.
"Now...listen to me Anna, this attachment you have to Mr. Bates...it has to stop, he's leaving and you are staying here. You need to get over it before it gets you into trouble." Her tone is brusque but I can sense she is trying to be kind to me.
"I can't do that," I say simply, "It's not an attachment; I'm in love with him."
She inhales deeply, her mouth drops open and for a brief moment she is lost for words. Finally she speaks again, "My dear...we've all been in love but sometimes it just doesn't work out. You need to let go and move on, forget about him. He's leaving and that's that. You will get over him well enough."
"That's just it!" I explode, "I don't want to get over him!"
She is taken aback by my outburst and her eyes dart to the door, wondering if the others beyond have also heard. "Anna...I know it's hard but really...think about what you are saying. You're a sensible woman; you know it can never be."
My patience is wearing thin and I inhale sharply but I don't speak, I fear for what I would say if I did.
"Your heart will recover," Mrs. Hughes says gently, almost motherly.
My head snaps up, it's my heart and I'll do what I like with it, I won't be preached at by anyone, not where he's concerned. "Is that all?" I finally speak through tight lips.
She nods at me and I turn on my heels to go. I think it is at that moment that my mind is totally made up.
Outside the window a sudden noise ends my memories and I look down onto the dockyard below. A young boy has dropped a crate of rather unpleasant looking fish and an older man is shouting and clouting the poor lad about the head. I'm rather reminded of Mrs. Patmore and Daisy back at Downton, I can't help but wonder what they all thought when they saw my bed was empty and my belongings gone. I wonder how those thoughts darkened when they realised that John was gone too. Seagulls screech and swoop, desperate to get some of the scattered fish but the young boy is hurriedly collecting them whilst the older man continues to shout.
In the room I share with Gwen, I pace back and forth, clutching at the little cross that sits around my neck. I am torn with my own indecision, should I do it or should (as society would dictate) I remain here and try to forget? I know the answer, I know what I must do, but will he agree?
I stop walking and turn to my wardrobe; I drag my old carpet bag out of the bottom of the wardrobe and begin to stuff the few clothes that I own into the bottom of it. I throw my travelling clothes onto the bed and hurriedly undress out of my uniform. I fold it up neatly and leave it under my pillow for them to find when I am gone. I quickly dress into my travelling clothes, all the time listening out for the sound of Gwen returning.
Closing my bag, I push it underneath my bed and quickly jump into bed, pulling the covers up high so that Gwen won't notice I am not in my nightgown. I close my eyes and wait.
How long I wait, I don't know, but eventually I hear Gwen return. She stops near to my bed and I know she is testing me to see if I am asleep, no doubt she has heard of my indiscretion with his Lordship and is intrigued to know the details.
I keep as still as I can and try to regulate my breathing; she seems to believe me asleep for I hear her undressing and climbing into her own little bed. The room becomes dark as she extinguishes her candle and now my real wait begins.
I listen out until I hear her breathing settle into a rhythmic pattern, as she lightly begins to snore, I quietly get out of bed and softly pull the bag from its hiding place. I pull on my jacket and pick up my hat and bag and with a brief glance across at the girl I've come to think of as a sister, I quietly depart the room.
My walk to his room takes me beyond the forbidden door and I cross the threshold with some trepidation, as if merely crossing it will awaken the whole house to my behaviour. As I pad along the corridor towards his room, my heart pounds so loudly, it sounds as if it echoes off the walls, beating out a warning cry to my superiors.
I swallow hard as I knock lightly on his bedroom door. What if he sends me back? What if he doesn't want me?
As the door opens, his face turns incredulous as he sees me standing before him, bag in one hand, hat in the other and dressed for travel.
"Going somewhere?" he asks me softly as he studies my face carefully.
I merely nod as I try to find my tongue. "With you," I finally manage.
His whole countenance changes and he reaches out and grabs at my hand and bag, pulling me into his room. He closes the door behind us and I can't help but take in his dishevelled appearance. His hair is ruffled and he's wearing only a thin vest and trousers. I've never seen him so unkempt before, it's rather thrilling.
"What do you mean?" he asks me, he takes a few steps away from me as he continues to study my face. I put down my bag and hat and remove my jacket and face him with determination.
"I'm coming with you," I say simply, what else can I say?
He closes his eyes and groans softly; slowly he shakes his head as my name leaves his lips, "Anna..."
"I want to come with you, we belong together. I can't bear to stay here without you." The words gush from my mouth as I watch his torture play out across his face. "That's if you want me, if you love me... that is."
He opens his eyes and looks at me; I can see the conflict in his eyes. "Oh... Anna..." He groans again, "No... no... this... Oh god, Anna! You know I love you, my God I've never loved anyone like I love you..."
I step towards him, encouraged by his declaration but he steps back again, "No! Anna, no. I couldn't, I won't! Lord, do you know what you're suggesting?"
I know exactly what I'm suggesting, I'm suggesting we run away together, live in sin as it were. I know exactly what I am asking him and I am asking it willingly.
"I know what I'm suggesting, yes," I explain carefully, "John, I want to be with you, only you. Where you go, I go too."
He shakes his head, "Anna, go back to bed. This... this can't happen, it's not possible. Go to sleep, forget me."
"I can't!" I exclaim suddenly, why does everyone keep suggesting that? "I can't forget you John, I won't forget you! I want to go with you, however or wherever that takes us."
He sits wearily down onto the chair in the corner of the room, he slumps forward, his head falling into his hands. I step warily towards him and kneel in front of him, resting my hands onto his knees.
"John," I say softly, he looks up at me, "We can leave together, go somewhere where nobody knows us... America... nobody asks questions there. Nobody needs to know who we are; we can start afresh, just you and me. It can be a new life for us both, don't you want that?"
He shakes his head and a soft smile plays across his lips, "You make it sound so easy."
"It is easy!" I declare, "Well... it can be easy, if we work together. Please, don't make me stay here without you."
He raises one hand and caresses my cheek, my eyes close to his touch and I lift my own hand to cover his, "We can be together," I say, "Don't you want that?"
He smiles again, "Yes, I do want that." My hopes rise, only to have them dashed again as he gets to his feet, leaving me kneeling on the floor. "But it's not so simple! God, Anna, what you're suggesting! I won't steal you away from your home, your friends, your family! I couldn't do it!"
I don't even try to get up; I stay there and gaze at him, "I'm not asking you to steal me away. I'm offering to come with you."
He limps towards the back of the room putting as much distance between us as possible. He's still in turmoil, part of him wants it, I know, but then the other part can't bear to agree to this.
"Anna, do you know how it will look? A married man running away with a single woman?" He demands.
"Widowed," I correct.
He closes his eyes and sighs heavily, "Widowed man then. I have nothing to offer you, we're not married, I have nowhere for us to live...it's impossible!"
I get to my feet at this point, "Anything is possible. I know what I'm asking and I don't care about all of that, I just want to be with you."
"It's not that simple!" he cries in exasperation, "Anna, you're a young woman who knows nothing about the real world or about life, you've not lived anything beyond the walls of this house! Life - it's not a fairytale, dreams don't come true. Not for the likes of me anyway."
I recoil, stung by his rebuke. He sees this and sighs again moving a little closer, "I'm sorry, that was unfair of me. I didn't mean it like that." I drop my head slightly and gaze at the floor, "Anna... I want this, if it could happen, I would take it with both hands but you and I both know that it can't"
I look up, "Why can't it? If we love each other we can make it happen. I have a bit of money put aside..."
"No," he says firmly, "I won't take your money."
"It would be our money," I reply. I take another step closer to him; he steps away again as if I'm trying to cast a spell on him. I suppose I am in a way. "We leave together, go to London or Liverpool, we can get a boat to America and start our life together. We can pretend to be married for the time being and then when we're settled we can marry properly in America. You hear of this happening all the time, we can do this."
He stares at me in disbelief, "You've really thought this through, haven't you?"
"When you want something, you find a way. That's what my mum always says," I reply and step closer again. He's pressed against the wall and I am so close to him I can almost touch him.
"But I have nothing to give you," he responds weakly.
"Except you and you're all I want or ask for," I say as I take a final step towards him, I rest my hands onto his chest and I feel his heart pounding wildly beneath my fingers. I lean up towards him and brush my lips against his. Perhaps I'm playing a little dirty now but I have to get the answer I want.
"Anna..." he breathes against my lips, "No..."
His protest is weak and as my lips meet his again I feel his resolve crumble. His arms slide around my waist pulling me towards him, his lips press against mine and for a few delicious moments we are lost in the depths of our first kiss in days.
He's kissed me twice before... well, once really. The first time I suppose doesn't count as our lips never actually met, we were disturbed before they had chance to but they would have...the second kiss happened a few days later, before his Lordship made his decision. As I rose from the dinner table, John's hand had grabbed at mine. We were alone in the hall and he pulled me back into my seat. He had pulled my face towards his and we had kissed passionately. As he pulled away he had whispered, "I love you, Anna." It had been the words I'd been desperate to hear, it was the words I clung to right now.
I feel his hands move firmly to my shoulders and he pushes me lightly away, "Anna... no," he repeats and my heart sinks a little.
"Do you love me?"
His grasp remains firm, "You know I do."
"Can you live without me?" I'm playing dirty again, but if this is what I must resort to, then I will.
He releases me with a soft chuckle, his countenance changing again, lightening somehow, "That's not fair and you know it!"
I chuckle but I don't relent, "Can you? If you tell me yes then I'll go back to my room but if you say no, then I stay. Can you live without me in your life?"
He gives a defeated sigh, "No."
I breathe a sigh of relief and close my eyes to the dangerous move I just made, one that paid off.
"That was a risky card you just played Miss Smith." He says tenderly as I walk back into his arms, "What would you have done if I'd said I could live without you?"
I grin up at him, "I would have changed your mind."
He laughs lightly and strokes my cheek, "I thought as much. You're not one for giving in are you?"
"I don't see why we should have to give in." I reply resting my head against his chest, "I love you, you love me, it's simple really."
He puts his arms around my waist and sighs heavily into my hair, "Oh Anna, if only it were that simple. If only I could take you away, marry you and spend my life with you... but we can't. It's a wonderful idea but it..."
I press my fingers to his lips to stop him speaking, "Listen to me John Bates, we can do this. I've packed my things, I'm ready. We go at first light, take the train to London."
He groans again, I can sense his barriers are slowly crumbling; he's coming round to my idea. "But what about your job? Your family? Your life is here Anna."
"Not anymore." I answer simply. "Now, have you got all your things packed?"
He looks about himself as if a little lost, clearly his mind is befuddled by the events I'm forcing him to endure. I am more determined than ever.
"I can be packed quickly," he mumbles, heading for his wardrobe, and I can't help but allow myself a triumphant smile.
We pack together in silence though I can hear him thinking, hear the thoughts running through his mind. I hope he's planning our future and not planning on getting rid of me. I prepare myself for both eventualities by plotting out my own plan for our future.
Finally he closes his bag and turns to face me, "We can't do this. It's not right, you deserve better than this. I can't steal you away like this."
I reach for his hands and squeeze them tightly, "How many times? You're not stealing me away! I'm coming with you because I want to. I'm not a silly girl being blinded by an infatuation, I'm not being led astray by you... this is all consensual."
He gives a soft smile and lightly pushes a loose strand of hair from my cheek, "I'm not sure the world will see it that way."
"I don't care what the world thinks, "I say shaking my head, "I know you will make me happy and that's all I can ask for."
His face changes suddenly, a look of worry and desperation crosses his features and he pulls me to him, "Anna I'd give you the world if I could. I'd give you everything, for you deserve everything. I wish I could give you the things you deserve, but I can't. I'm an old fool with no job, no home and very little of my own money to speak of. Can you really be happy with that?"
I smooth his furrowed brow with one hand, I let it stroke carefully down his face, his cheek and brush his concerns from his lips. "Shush... I am happy already. You will make me happy whatever happens, wherever we end up. I don't need anything but you."
He kisses my fingertips lightly, "Really?"
"Really," I say firmly. Then he pulls me into another long kiss that makes my knees go weak and my heart pound faster.
We don't sleep that night; instead we sit together planning out our course of action. He surprises me with some details and clearly he has thought things through carefully in a short amount of time. We will go to America via a ship from Liverpool but not before we take a detour to London first. In those few hours we spend in his room, we plan out our whole future, our new life in America. I can sense that even he feels rather positive that this could all work out for us. My only doubt, one I would never dare voice to him right now, is that we will not be married.
It seems wrong to run away and not marry but it seems impossible at least for now. I convince myself that God would not bring us together in this way only to smite us down for a minor technicality such as marriage... would he? And, I reason with my conscience, we haven't done anything yet, we've only kissed and though I may be in his room we are fully clothed and he's made no requests of me.
I promise my conscience and therefore God that as soon as we are able, we will marry and I will repent fully the small (yes I do believe it to be small) sin I am about to commit.
As soon as the first hues of dawn begin to appear on the horizon we stand up. Silently we put on our coats and hats and collect our bags. We don't speak until we are at the back door of the house. Silence still fills the corridors, the hall boy and Daisy won't be up for at least another half hour. Before he opens the door and we take that final step he looks at me,
"Are you sure about this?"
Though my stomach churns with nerves I know this is the right thing to do, "Absolutely," I reply with a reassuring smile. He returns it and the door opens on our new life together.
I feel no sadness at leaving Downton, thirteen years I've been here and yet I feel not one ounce of regret or sadness as I leave. I tell myself it's a sign from God, that I am doing the right thing. Of course I will miss Gwen, she's like a sister to me and even Mrs. Hughes, who I respect greatly, I feel a little sadness at how we parted. But none of that matters now; all that matters is John and I.
The train station is deserted and we get a seat in a carriage on our own. We sit together, his arm around me and as the train pulls away I know he is feeling guilty. As reassurance, I wrap my arms tightly around him and nestle against his chest.
The motion of the train and lack of sleep makes me drowsy and I must have fallen asleep for the next thing I know we are pulling into London and John is gently shaking me awake.
"We're here," he says softly, pressing a kiss to my hair, "You're beautiful when you sleep."
I stretch and sigh away the awkward sleeping position I have ended up in; I look up into his eyes only to be met with a gaze that's mixed with love and regret. I reach up and kiss his lips gently, "No regrets," I say softly. "So stop looking so guilty!"
He grins sheepishly as the train comes to a halt. We step out with our bags and quickly merge into the crowds of London, we'll not be found here, not that we intend on staying long.
John informs me that he has money in a bank account within London, money that had belonged to Vera. He tells me about his wife, how originally, her family were not without money and neither was she. When she died, some of her fortune was left in a bank account; no doubt she had forgotten all about it in her drug induced stupor. When she died and John had been located, the money was now in his name as he was her next of kin.
"It's not ideal; I'd rather not take anything of hers but..." He sighs, "We need the money."
Although it doesn't sit right with me either, we need the money and if it is considerable, it will really help us with our new life in America.
John quickly carries out his transaction in the bank and money safely stowed, we return to the station again. This time we board a train for Manchester, once at Manchester we would change for Liverpool which would be our final destination before catching a boat out of England.
If anyone did try to look for us, they would be taken on a rather long journey and with any luck they would give up. I wonder, as the train rattles its way towards Manchester, how everyone at Downton has taken the news, they must all know by now what we have done. No doubt it will be causing a huge scandal amongst the staff and family alike.
I imagine Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes' faces as they realise, I see Mr. Carson informing his Lordship, I wonder if Lord Grantham feels a pang of guilt at what he's forced us to do? I wonder if Mrs. Hughes blames herself for my actions? I imagine Gwen and feel sad that I did not say goodbye. I will write to her as soon as I can, tell her everything, I know she'll understand. I imagine little Daisy's eyes bulging in shock, I imagine her trying to comprehend what everyone is telling her. Anna has run off with Mr. Bates! Thomas and O'Brien will be revelling in the scandal, they will be practically foaming at the mouth with giddiness and spite. I wonder how many jokes Thomas has made at our expense. I don't care, I'm happy to give him something new to think about. I think of how Lady Mary would have taken the news, of all the girls I can imagine Lady Sybil being our champion. She would no doubt make comments about how it was romantic and how we should be applauded for following our hearts and not conforming to society.
I wonder who will write and tell my parents.
Outside my window there is still no sign of him yet though I'm not worried. He has gone to sort out a few things before we leave. The boat – the Lusitania - is in dock and being loaded up for its next journey. I've never been on a boat before, the size of it scares me, I can't help but wonder how it doesn't sink. Then I remember the Titanic and I shudder lightly. I hope I don't drown in the icy waters of the Atlantic like those poor souls did.
Outside I see the landlady of our boarding house shouting at a young man. He's parked a delivery of vegetables in front of her gate and she's furiously shouting and waving a brush at him. She's a funny creature, Mrs. McMahon, hair piled high and a cigarette hanging from her brightly painted lips, she's a woman nobody would mess with.
The man who's committed the offence is now hurriedly getting back into his delivery van as she continues to shout obscene words at him, he looks terrified as he drives away and Mrs. McMahon smiles a brown triumphant smile and continues sweeping her yard.
She looks up and sees me watching her, she waves at me and I wave back. She's been rather good to us and despite only knowing her so briefly; I almost feel I will miss her.
We had arrived in Liverpool in the early evening. The smell was the first thing I noticed, putrid water mixed with rotting fish. It made my empty stomach churn and I had to swallow the bile that rose into my throat. I got out my little handkerchief and held it to my nose to try and block the smell but it was persistent and seemed to filter in through my skin.
John makes some enquiries from the various characters that lurk around the entrance of the docks. One man, who eyes me up rather worryingly, points us in the direction of Kitty's, a respectable (or so he says) boarding house where lodging is cheap and no questions asked.
Kitty, or Mrs. McMahon, opens the door, gives us a price and when we agree leads us into a dark and dingy hallway. I sense John's unease but I squeeze his arm lightly to reassure him.
She opens the door to a basic room with a double bed, a small chair that would have been comfortable at some point and a small wash basin in the corner. The lace curtains are brown and filthy but the rest of the place seems to be relatively clean for the money we are paying.
"Right, payment up front, no questions asked. I don't want yer story; the less I know the better. Just no drugs and keep t' noise down." She explains rather crudely.
She watches me with interest as John counts out the notes, she turns to John, "Wi' a pretty girl like 'er, you ought to take care. Men's round 'ere like a pretty face an' that's a right one to be sure."
"Thank you for the warning," he replies as I instinctively step a little closer to him.
"Well...like I say, I aint interested in yer story. But if yer's wantin' a boat outta 'ere, best get yersen's down to't yard first thing. Tickets go quickly," she explains as she counts the notes herself, checking for any errors.
"Thank you." John says again and she gives a knowing smile at us both.
"I'll leave yers be then." And with that she's gone, cigarette smoke following in her wake.
John turns to me as he closes the door, "Anna, I'm so sorry."
I move into his arms immediately, "For what?"
"For this, bringing you here, you deserve better," he groans against my hair.
I wrap my arms around him, "It's not for long and we're together, that's all that matters."
"You deserve so much better," he groans again.
I look up at him and press my lips to his, "No... no more talk like that," I say firmly and kiss him again. He begins to respond, his arms tightening around me as his tongue gently parts my lips to meet mine and I can't help but moan softly. My moan, he takes as encouragement and the kiss deepens, our lips dancing sensually together.
He moves his attentions to my jaw and then down to my neck, softly caressing the skin with his lips and teeth. I groan softly, this is the most intimate we have ever been and the moment isn't lost on either of us.
His hands snake from my waist down onto my hips and I feel myself yield to him, pushing against him. As my hips press against his I feel a new response, one I've heard of but never experienced before. The feeling of him is curious and I am intrigued, but this new development causes him to pull away slightly.
"Sorry," he murmurs and I detect the hint of a blush on his cheeks.
I'm not exactly sure of what he's sorry about but I feel the need to reassure him, I move against him and reach to kiss him again but he softly pushes me back, "Not now Anna, I need a little time to... regain myself. If we carry on, I won't be able to stop."
Again I'm not entirely sure but I believe him to be referring to making love. I nod as if I understand and he gives me smile. "Don't you want to?" I ask, a little afraid of his answer.
He laughs lightly at this, "Yes! A little too much!" The feeling of him pressing against me, responding to me, runs through my mind and I believe myself to be a little wiser. He reaches his hand out towards mine and smiles warmly, "If we're going to do this, I want to do it as properly as we can."
I blink at him in confusion, "You mean make love?"
He smiles again, obviously amused by my ignorance. "Anna, we're practically living together as man and wife. Already we have sinned and I don't want to take from you what should be saved for our wedding night, when we can be together without the feeling of it being wrong hanging over us."
"But if we're living as husband and wife, we're committed to each other then surely...surely it can only be right that we... consummate our love." I reason.
The events of a wedding night are still unclear to me, I've heard rumours from friends and cousins and I have a basic idea of what goes where but...I'm still not too sure. I want to find out.
John shakes his head with a grin, "Anna, the things you do to me!" He gets up and comes close, but not too close and kisses my head. "Not tonight my love, I want to do things properly, I owe you that."
I nod and give him a little smile, "Alright then, we wait until we are married," I agree. Whenever that will be.
We sit and talk for the rest of the evening before tiredness overcomes us both. We both undress with our backs to each other and I scurry beneath the covers to avoid the cool and damp of the room. He moves and sits on the chair.
I sit back up, "What are you doing?" I ask him with a frown.
He smiles softly, "There's only one bed, I'll sleep here."
"What?" I cry, trying not to be affronted; the bed is plenty big enough for two. "You can't sleep there! Come and get in beside me."
Again he gives me a smile, I can see he's desperate to do so but something is holding him back. "No Anna, I'll sleep here."
I begin to protest again but he stops me, "Let me have one night free from sin."
I sigh and lay back down. I turn onto my side to face him and I fall asleep quickly, his declaration of love in my ears.
I wake in the early hours, it is still dark outside and the port is strangely silent. I hear John shifting awkwardly in the chair. He's clearly not getting any sleep in that uncomfortable chair and no doubt it will be causing his knee a lot of pain.
"John," I whisper into the darkness, the shuffling stops. "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine, go back to sleep," his gruff reply filters back.
I shift in the bed, "Stop bein' daft and come and sleep here with me."
"I'm fine, honestly," he says though I hear the discomfort in his voice.
"No you're not, get in here with me," I command. "Don't worry I won't pounce on you, you're quite safe!"
I can sense he's grinning at that and I hear him get slowly to his feet, groaning as his leg protests. I shift over further and pull the covers back. The bed drops as he sits on the edge and slides underneath the covers. In the darkness I can still see his shadow as he turns to look at me.
I reach out for him and pull him towards me and to my surprise he doesn't resist. We curl up together though he keeps his bad leg straight. He drapes an arm across my stomach and rests his face into the crook of my neck. I wrap my arms around him, softly playing with his hair as I close my eyes again. This feels so right, like we've been doing this all our lives. I never knew exactly what I was missing in life until I experienced him in my arms, in my bed.
I am dozing lightly when I feel wet against my skin and to my horror I realise he is upset, that he is crying tears into my neck.
"Hey, what's all this?" I soothe, suddenly wide awake. "John?"
He rolls onto his back, "I'm sorry Anna, for all of this. I shouldn't have brought you here, you deserve so much more, so much more than I can give you."
I move closer and curl up against him, my hand reaches for his face, "Shush now, no more talk like this."
"I have so little for you, I can't even give you the wedding you deserve." He lifts his hands and in the shadows I see him cover his eyes. I lift myself up onto one elbow and with my other hand gently push his hands away.
"What do I keep telling you? I don't want all of that, I just want you." And it's true; I don't want a big wedding. Of course when I had been a girl and still living on my father's farm, my sisters and I had often played at weddings. We would take one of my mother's white sheets and pretend the hay loft was a church. We would force the poor old family dog to stand at the front and pretend to be a groom and we would take turns swishing up and down in our pretend gowns.
But that was a long time ago, that was fantasy and this was real life. "A marriage is not based on the wedding," I say softly, "It's based on the man and wife, on their love for each other. As long as they love each other they can be married in Westminster Abbey or a hay loft! It doesn't matter, I don't care where we marry, all I care about is that we marry soon and that we love each other."
I can sense him smiling at me; his hand reaches for me and pulls me down onto him for a lingering kiss. "I love you."
"As I love you," I reply.
"It could be a while before we can marry," he says softly.
"I don't care, I'll wait," I reply simply and then he kisses me again.
We both fall asleep in each other's arms and when we wake, the light of dawn is breaking through the curtains. We get dressed in silence and John tells me he will go and arrange tickets for our passage to America.
"Shall I come too?" I ask.
"Stay here, it will be safer," he replies and with that he kisses me lightly and leaves the room.
I am brought back to the present again by the sound of a fight breaking out below. Two men and their dogs are shouting at each other, the accent is hard to understand but from what I can gather it's over a crate of ale that one of them claims to have purchased. The dogs are snarling at each other and soon fists and fur is flying. I wince at the gruesome sight and I realise this is exactly why John didn't want me to go out there with him.
He returns later that morning. I had waited for him by the window but had used my time wisely, writing letters to my mother and to Gwen. I will post them before we sailed or so I hope.
I see him crossing the yard, cane in one hand and some papers in the other. I stand and wait for him to come into the room. He sighs wearily and I can't help but wrinkle my nose at the terrible stench that has followed him in.
He explains that the tickets for the next sailing had not gone on sale yet, something about a problem with the boat on its incoming voyage, however he had spoken to someone in the yard who had explained that he could get him anything that John had wanted. I'm sure he kept the exact details from me but what he did mention intrigued me greatly.
"I asked him if he could arrange a wedding for me," John explains, "I expected him to laugh and say no but he told me that was an easy request."
I didn't reply, just listened and watched John closely, "He said there's a Priest who lives and works around the docks. He's a bit of a fallen Priest by the sounds of it, likes a drink apparently. However he is a Priest and can marry couples without the necessary paperwork. He asks no questions, just signs the licence."
"Go on," I encourage tentatively.
"I spoke with him, a Father Michael, he can marry us today. I'm not exactly sure just how...holy it actually is but it's a licence and he is a Priest, we could be married this afternoon." John looks at me worriedly.
I consider this for a moment, he's a man of the cloth... alright so he may be a little... unorthodox with his approach but he's still a man of God... right? Surely, God won't object to this, at least we're trying to do things properly.
"Then let's do it," I say simply, a smile playing across my face. "At least then we can leave the country correctly as man and wife."
"Really?" John asks me, "Do you mean that?"
I nod and pick up my hat and coat, "Let's do it."
We are married later that afternoon in a small room that acts as a chapel. A makeshift altar stands at the front with a rather battered looking cross standing precariously on the top of it. Two men from the docks act as witnesses and when it comes to the exchanging of rings, John produces two rings from his pocket. I look at him in surprise and he merely smiles.
We leave the little room as husband and wife, I am now the new Mrs. Bates and I couldn't be happier.
"Where did you get those rings?" I whisper as we step out into the daylight.
He smiles at me, "That man could get me anything. I couldn't marry you without a ring!"
We hear that the tickets have now gone on sale and we join the queue for the next voyage. We hand over our newly acquired marriage licence to the clerk who stamps our paperwork and adds us to the passenger list. He doesn't bat an eyelid at the current date on our licence; he merely comments that we are leaving England at the right time what with the threat of war looming closer every day.
The boat leaves at 8.30 the following morning, we must be onboard by 7.30 so we are left with only our last night in England to spend as we wish.
Walking back to the lodging house hand in hand, our newly married status is not lost on either of us.
"What shall we do now?" I ask cautiously.
He looks down at me, "I can think of something."
I grin, "Me too."
We pick up speed, laughing and giggling as we make our way to Kitty's. At the door, Mrs. McMahon stops us, we tell her we will be leaving in the morning and she smiles knowingly. She presses a piece of paper into John's hand.
"When yers get there, look up my cousin Bobby, he lives in Brooklyn, mention my name and he'll sort yers out wi' somewhere to stay 'til yers get sorted."
John and I look at each other and then at her, "Thank you. That's very kind." John says with a smile.
"Well...I like yers, yer deserve to get sorted," she replies before stepping past us into her lounge.
We look at each other again and grin happily, I set off running up the stairs and he playfully taps my bottom as I pass.
I'd heard many a horror tale about a wedding night, stories of terrible pain and blood. I'd heard women say it was the worst thing a wife had to endure and I'd heard others talk of their husband's brutal behaviour.
What people never tell you is how good it can actually be. I experienced none of those horrors, sure it was a little uncomfortable at first but it was nothing I couldn't bear. He was gentle and kind, he whispered declarations of love and kissed me tenderly, asked me if I was alright. I was more than alright. For the second time in as many days, I realised that there had been something else missing from my life. Something I knew now I could not live without.
Afterwards as we lay entangled in each other's arms, the warm afterglow of lovemaking still on our bodies, he kissed me, told me I was beautiful, told me he'd been waiting all his life for me. We kissed occasionally, his hands gently explore me and I slowly learn how to explore him.
As the night passes we make love again, our bodies learning quickly what the other desires. All the time he tells me he loves me and I can merely groan my reply. As the grey light of dawn filters into the room, we lay in each other's arms, preparing ourselves for the start of our new life together.
I feel no regret, no shame at our actions. I know this is right, I know it is the way things are meant to be. My thoughts linger on my family for a short time. I will miss them, of course I will. I know my disappearance will upset them, my mother especially, but I hope in time they'll understand why.
Until I moved to Downton, I was always close to my mother, when I went into service we both cried and clung to each other. I missed her terribly, every day I would cry for her, every half day I went home to see them and would cry again when I left.
But the years changed me, I made friends and suddenly going into Downton Village with my friends seemed more important than going home. Mum never minded, she liked that I was getting my own life. I think she took comfort knowing that I was enjoying myself and was still rather close to her. It's a shame that has had to change completely.
I hope my letter to her will ease the pain. John must sense my thoughts for he kisses me gently, "It's still not too late to change your mind."
"Stop saying that!" I scold him playfully. "I won't change my mind!"
"Are you sure?" he presses me further, "I'd hate for you to regret this, you'd end up hating me for it and I couldn't bear that."
I lift myself up and press my fingers to his lips, "I won't regret a thing."
He smiles at me, "Good."
I lean down and kiss him again, he rolls me onto my back and we spend a few delicious moments enjoying each other. But dawn is fast approaching and we must be ready to board the boat.
We dress, though this time we face each other, nothing hidden, no regrets. He leaves the room to fetch us something to eat before we board and I stand and wait.
This is where I still stand, I watch him cross the yard with a small bag and feel my stomach flutter with excitement. I look at the bed, our bags side by side, the bed where last night we did so many wonderful things. The door opens and he smiles warmly at me, he moves towards me, sweeps his arms around my waist and kisses my neck, it sends shivers down my spine and brings back delicious memories of last night.
"Are you ready?" He asks me, soft kisses dancing about on my neck.
"Yes."
We pick up our things and head towards the door; he stops and looks at me, "Any regrets?"
I grin back, "Not a single one!"
And we leave to start our life together.
THE END.