The Real Story - A Parody on Troy

Warning! The following content may disturb your emotional and romantical attachment to the movie of Troy. Also, it will probably make you burst out laughing the next time your read any supposed-to-be heartbreaking Achilles/Briesis fanfic. Proceed to read at your own risk. Remember, you have been warned!

Part One

Beginning credit music issues forth

Camera moves on to view a large plain, two armies on either side looking like their ready to up and go tear each others throats out.

Fat old man, white haired old man, and another old man ride out to the middle of the field to talk. Now talking

Agamemnon: "Bow before me scum!"

White haired old man: looking rather surprised glances at Agamemnon. "Ah, was that the right line? I seem to remember something else."

Agamemnon: looking rather perturbed and then worried. "My doctor mentioned something about alyshiemers but I thought I had it cured, heard about some advertisement for Numovil. It's amazing... It's supposed to..." Trails off talking about his new pill.

Third old man: starts to look annoyed. "I'm sorry but we're supposed to be discussing how to fight this war."

Agamemnon: looks up, again surprised. "What war?"

Third old man: look of annoyance deepens. "The war that is supposed to be happening since you want more land."

Agamemnon: look brightens. "Ooohh. That war." Puzzled look returns. "Why do I need more land? I thought I was king."

White haired old man: clears his throat turning aside to talk to Agamemnon. "Your divorced wife took up half of your last country."

Agamemnon: looks angry. "Well how in hades did she manage to do that!"

White haired man: rolls eyes. "Well you might have kept all your country except for the fact that you started screaming at your wife halfway through the court proceedings. When the judge tried to quiet you down you jumped up and threatened to have his country taken away from him. Also, I don't think it helped matters that you doubled his taxes about a year before."

Agamemnon: looks resigned. "Oh.. Well, anyway. I guess we should be getting on with the whole war and all."

Old man three and White haired man nods in agreement.

Agamemnon: clears throat. "Ahh.. Let's see, oh yes. I propose that I defeat you and your army.. blahblablahblah.."

White hair man: looks relieved. "I suggest that we each select a champion and have them settle the fates of our armies."

Agamemnon: nods briskly, "Right then, it's all settled but remember, if my champion loses I'm still attacking your army with mine."

Old man three: sighs. "We've already been through that. I know, but it's supposed to be a surprise sort of thing. We're not supposed to be talking about it. Now shut up and stick with the story-line!" turns and shouts "Booger!" Scarred, nasty looking big guy stumbles out onto the battle field.

Bogarious: "How many times do I have to tell you, it's Bogarious! Not Booger. It's sounds bad."

Agamemnon: turns towards his army and shouts, "Achilles, Achilles!" Waits several minutes. "Achilles? ACHILLES!" Agamemnon launches into a wheezing attack.

White haired old man: starting to look worried. "Agie buddy, are you okay?" Shakes Agamemnon and starts pounding him on the back, furthering the coughing attack

Agamemnon: chokingly, "Where's my inhaler! Somebody get my inhaler.."

Little messenger boy runs up with inhaler.

Old man three: Looking very upset. "Agamemnon, please. I know it's spring and the ragweed's in full bloom but get a grip on yourself. I have another battle scheduled at 3:00. We've got to get this over with." Turns around to his army. "A little roaring and characteristic battle noises would be nice!"

Army, on cue starts slamming shields and spears together.

Agamemnon: after using the inhaler several times gets his asthma attack settled. "Right. I'm good to go. Now, SOMEBODY FIND ACHILLES!"

Little messenger boy riding at breakneck speed to find Achilles. Stops at tent and pulls open flap. Blurry vision en-issues. "Uh.. Anybody in here. I can't see."

Achilles: "Oh yeah, sorry kid. Parental Guidance thing. Blocks any bad scenes. I'm on my way."

Little messenger boy: "Ummm. I was supposed to tell you that Agamemnon wants you."

Achilles: "Yeah, yeah. Whatever kid. Listen, I'm not in a good mood, save it!"

Little messenger boy: "Does this mean I can't launch on my speech about fear and glory and whatnot?"

Achilles: "Umm. Yeah, that's about right."

Little messenger boy: Burst into tears. "That was my only line in the whole blinkin movie! I'm telling mommy. Your not a nice big brother!"

Achilles: Shoves past little messenger boy whom we'll conveniently call Ach2. "Tell mom and I'll do to you what I'm going to do to that Booger guy." Achilles leaves Ach2 crying and proceeds on to the battlefield. The roar of the armies greets his ears.

Bogarious: "Okay come on buddy. Face you death like a man!"

Achilles: Puzzled look, "Umm. Excuse me, perhaps I read the script wrong but ah I believe that I kill you using one my special technical killing jumps."

Script Writer: "Yup that's right. Bogarious you'll be dying shortly."

Bogarious: "What! Hey wait. I thought I'm the one who wins this fight. Come on look at that puny feller."

Achilles: Breaks into a run and with a jumping jab strikes Bogaroius in the shoulder.

Bogarious: "So this is what it feels like to die. Wait.. No... I want to sue..." Dies...

Achilles: Sheathes sword. "Well now, if that wasn't smooth." Pleased smirk.

Agamemnon: Rolls eyes and turns to Third old man. "Happy now. I'm the winner!"

Old man three: Looks disgruntled. "Oh well. But I would like to put your champion there through a series of steroid tests before I'm actually satisfied that..." Stops abruptly

Achilles: "Hey! I don't need steroids, I'm golden god handsome. My mere beauty strikes my foes down, well, that and my sword.

Agamemnon: "Okay Achilles we dont' need to hear the 'I'm-so-beautiful' speech. We get the idea. The war is won! Thessaly is mine! Ah.. I mean.. ours, or course.

music comes back in and scene darkens

End of Part One