AN: AU, Yorozuya!Kamui and Harusame!Kagura

I'm Okikagu shipping trash.

[09-01-19: Upon rereading this two years later, the terrible writing makes me cry T.T. Imma go rewrite this now.]

"So… you're telling us you just happened to be in Yoshiwara around the exact same time the evil Overlord Housen was brutally murdered?" Okita looked up from his clipboard raising an inquisitive brow at the three individuals sitting across from him. "I have a hard time believing that, Boss."

The light in the interrogation room flickered slightly, casting strong shadows across the room.

The other side of the table was occupied by three very suspicious people, one of which was trembling terribly and spewing out sweat like a fountain. "We're telling you that because that's what happened! We were just helping out a kid who was looking for his mother!" Shinpachi sputtered.

"Ehhhhh, what's with these excuses? Why would some kid be running around Yoshiwara? Even if he was looking for his mommy, it could have been anyone there… Even if his mother was really there, I highly doubt you'd want to find out that mommy was a courtesan." Okita answered lazily. His eyes flickered to something on his clipboard and he reached for the brush on the table.

"It's not an excuse!" Shinpachi gestured wildly, frantically trying to defend himself. "Ask Seita yourself!"

"As if," The Shinsengumi captain scoffed. "Unlike you guys, I actually work and don't have time for playing around. Besides, snotty little brats are easily manipulated."

"Why do I have the feeling you're speaking from experience?" Shinpachi muttered to himself, then glanced over at the other two members of the Yorozuya. "Aren't you two going to say anything? Help me out here!"

Both of them had their arms crossed in front of themselves, serious their faces set in serious expressions. The silver-haired one was the first to begin talking. "You say that we shouldn't have helped a young boy find the mother he loves, the mother he needs, the mother who has been praying for his safety all these years? A mother is the most precious gift this world has blessed us with, after all, who else would listen to us cry for days with no end, feed us when we're hungry, bring us blankets when we're cold, love us even though we are the ugliest being on the planet and kick us in the ass when we are being lazy and she wants to watch her latest soap opera? Who else could put up with a bastard like you, who else but your loving mother?"

He ended his heartfelt speech with a solemn pose, consisting of letting his face disappear behind his palm before gently nudging the final member of the trio to continue.

Following with perfcet timing, Kamui broke out of his serious pose and pointed an accusing finger at Okita. "Perhaps you, a Super Sadist, cannot comprehend the importance of a loving, caring mother, but we, we do. And we cherish them all. I wouldn't care what kind of profession my mother had to take on, I would still love her, for being my mother is all that is necessary. A heartless bastard like you is undeserving of such love, yes, even trying to accuse us of a murder we clearly didn't commit, have you no mercy for the people who have gone poor thanks to you tax-robbers?" A fake tear peaked out of the corner of his eye before he ended his part equally to his silver-haired conspirator.

"Yes, we sufferers deserve compensation of some sort, don't we?" Gintoki expertly feigned hurt as he turned away, a shy tear peering out of his eyes, a performance worthy of the finest theatre production.

Shinpachi's eye twitched.

"WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE?! SOME SORT OF DRAMA?!" He shouted, flipping the frail grey table which flew against the stark white wall of the interrogation room, clattering to the ground in a painful cacophony.

"Oi, oi, Pattsuan, you didn't have to do that, tables have feeling as well, you know?" Gintoki lazily stuck his finger into his nostril and sighed at the sight of the poor, clobbered table on the ground. "Look at it, it's sulking now."

"It's a table, tables don't sulk!" Shinpachi yelled back.

"That's only because you refuse to listen to their silent whimpers." Kamui added solemnly, folding his hands into a prayer.

"They're inanimate objects! Don't kid around here!"

"All right, I'm putting you down as the culprits, have fun in prison and watch out for the soap." Okita casually interrupted their dispute.

"We told you already, we didn't do it. He was already dead when we got there, you know? Dead, like Itachi." Gintoki explained while waving his hand. "And can I get a parfait? I'm kinda hungry."

"Oh, can I get a bowl of rice then?" Kamui chipped in.

"Do you idiots think this is some sort of restaurant? We only have expired katsudon here. And besides, wasn't Itachi resurrected later on?" The First Division Captain tapped his brush against his chin while pondering. "That makes your statement void."

"He died again later, didn't he? But fine, I'll correct myself. He was dead, like Jiraya."

"But if it wasn't you guys, who was it then? There was nobody else around, and the witnesses say they saw a shady redhead with a purple umbrella fighting the old guy. Sounds like China Boy over here." Sougo stretched out his thumb and gestured towards the Yato in the room.

"Why would I fight old man Housen? He's nothing but an old has-been. He was my old man's rival BHL. Ancient history." The Yato made a cross with his arms to convey his message.

"...BHL?"

"Before Hair Loss. Besides, why would I carry around my umbrella in Yoshiwara?" Kamui stuffed his hands into his pockets, leaning further into the cheap chair they had been given. "It was always night there, at least until we found the gum that was jamming the handle in the control room."

Gintoki's eyes were wide and staring straight at him. "Umi-baldy actually had hair at some point?!" He asked in disbelief.

"That's what you get from all that?" Shinpachi muttered in defeat.

"Yes, how else do you think he won over somebody as pretty as our mother?" Kamui answered smugly, ignoring Shinpachi.

"Well, she was lonely and he was a guy… I mean… You know… It wouldn't be surprising for her to jump the first guy she sees in years… Isn't that how those housewife stories always go?"

"Are you comparing my mother to a desperate housewife?!"

Sougo blinked at the trio, especially at the silver-haired member in the middle who was now sporting an unhealthy complexion and multiple bumps and cuts. The blood dripping across his face didn't look all that healthy either.

"Back on topic, you carry that umbrella around everywhere, we've known each other long enough for me to say that with conviction. With that your reasoning is null."

Kamui clicked his tongue. "Attentive bastard."

"I happens to be part of my job." Sougo straightened his cravat. "So, any other shifty-looking redheads with umbreallas you can think of as scapegoats?"

He had meant it as a joke, but something about the Yato's sudden change in posture told him he might actually be onto something. Almost defensively (annd waaaay too obviously) Kamui directed his gaze towards the remains of the table near the wall.

It took a few seconds, maybe minutes, but he finally answered the question. "I have an idiot little sister, Kagura. She's also probably the one you should be looking for."

"Ooooh, blaming it on some random character that hasn't made an appearance yet, clever." The captain mock-applauded.

"No, I'm serious though. She's a psycho bitch who just happens to be Housen's disciple. She's also probably capable of killing him, considering that he was only lounging around in Yoshiwara the whole time. And even Pops calls my idiot sister an elephant."

"If she's your sister, she must be some kind of ugly pig-elephant-monster. Are you sure your mother was pretty and not just some wild animal?" Sougo drawled daringly.

Kamui's blue eyes ignited with rage and he leapt out of his chair, ready to unload his fury on a certain suicidal captain. "You want to say that again?"

Shinpachi stuffed his earphones into his ears, ramming the volume to the max, hoping to drown out the idiocy around him with Otsuu's newest single.

"Tch, kids these days." The silver-haired man mumbled while fishing out a JUMP out of his pocket.

"In other words, I can close this case." Okita deadpanned. "It doesn't look like your sister's gonna come knocking on our door anytime soon." He put down his brush and walked over to the door, or rather, what was left of it. "Get out of here and don't cause too much trouble, otherwise we'll just arrest you again."

He ushered them out through hte hallway, and just as he was about to kick them out through the front gates, a very distraught Yamazaki cut him off mid-way. "Captain Okita! Captain Okita! There's trouble!"

"What is it?" The captain asked annoyed. "It's almost my nap time."

"Captain, your nap has to wait! It's one of the four Devas of Kabuki! She was attacked at the park!" Yamazaki reported hurriedly. "The vice-chief is already on his way there!"

"Why are you just standing here? Get me a patrol car right now!" Okita ordered, leaving the Yorozuya behind.

"Hey… you don't think that that was…" Shinpachi gasped, dread building up in his expression. It couldn't be, right...?

"…Otose?!" Kamui finished with wide eyes. "We have to get there now!"

They dashed out of the Shinsengumi compound, Kamui jumping on Sadaharu's back while Gintoki and Shinpachi started the scooter. It came to life with a roar, and with complete disregard of traffic rules, they rushed to the park. If somebody attacked Otose and thought they could get away with it, they were in for quite the surprise...!

Gintoki was the first to jump off his vehicle and run towards the scene, the other two close behind him. As he suddenly came to a halt and the other two ran into his back, cursing, he couldn't believe what he was seeing.

The paramedics were already there, carrying a gurney with a body on it, a cloth covering it from head to toe. Like a dead body. Shinsengumi members were everywhere, blocking off the area, redirecting passers-by and shouting random things into their radios. The details were lost to the trio as the world around them began to waver.

"No… Otose…" Shinpachi whispered in disbelief.

"We were too late…" Gintoki muttered, anger and shock lacing his words. How could this be?!

"Damnit… Who would do something like this?!" Kamui clenched his hands at his side, his grip on his umbrella tightening.

"Oi, what are you three idiots doing here?" The smoke of a lit cigarette hit their noses as the familiar voice approached them.

"Hijikata… Do you think… do you think we could say goodbye to…"

"…to the old hag?" Gintoki finished Shinpachi's question.

Confusion made its way to Hijikata's face as he scrunched his brow. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Can we… see the old hag's body?" He specified.

"I still don't know what old hag you're talking about." The vice-chief blew out some smoke.

"We just want to see Otose one more time before you take her away." Kamui explained with still clenched fists.

"If you want to see Otose, go to the snack bar, she ain't here."

"But… the body… we heard that one of the four devas was attacked…"

"Yeah, one of them was attacked, but it wasn't Otose." He threw his cigarette bud to the ground and stepped on it. "It was Princess Peacock. It's funny, you know. A while back, there was this one guy who kept telling me how beautiful she was and all that, but now I don't think he'll ever call her beautiful again." He fished out another cigarette and lit it. "I mean, we barely even identified her."

The crackling of static filled the air. "Vice-Chief, this is First Squad asking for assistance, I repeat, First Squad asking for assistance!"

He grunted as he dug the radio out of his pocket. "Yeah, what do you need?"

"Captain Okita has engaged the suspect in battle, requesting back-up!"

"That fucking idiot." He grumbled. "Where are you exactly? And what are the specifics on the suspect?"

"We're near the fountain, sir. The suspect is wearing a hood and a cloak, so we can't identify him. But he's using an umbrella to fight! Fuck! It can also shoot bullets! Everyone, take cover!" The officer's distraught voice rang from the speakers.

The four of them stood there for a moment in silence, blank looks on their faces as the hysterics continued over the radio.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Hijikata gritted out through his teeth. "A Yato? And Sougo is fighting him?"

"Let me handle this." Kamui spoke up, dashing off before anybody could say anything else.

"…"

"We better go as well before they destroy the entire park…"

15 minutes earlier…

Sougo stared down at the bloody mess on the lawn. The woman's corpse was mangled and mutilated, her blue hair dyed red in her own blood and sprawled over the lawn, but he noticed two things.

One, whoever did this wanted the princess to suffer, and two, the culprit dug out the victim's eyes, probably with their bare hands. While the first suspects that came to his mind were gamblers who lost everything at her casinos, that didn't seem quite right. Whatever the reason was for this crime, it was more than just somebody with a streak of bad luck. Her empty eye sockets were filled with crimson liquid oozing out.

He knelt down next to corpse and took notice of something else: all of her fingers were broken and bent at odd angles. Whatever hidden meaning that may have held, this was definitely the work of a fellow sadist. He stood up again and signalled his squad to assemble.

"Alright, we're going to sweep the park for clues and suspects, understood?" He announced.

"Yes, sir!" They collectively answered.

He grinned. "First Squad, moving out!"

Like the responsible supervising officer he was, he moved out along with his men, wandering around the park with his eyes peeled for anything that seemed out of place. Two minutes in and he found something: the blood on his shoes. His new shoes.

"Yuck, now I've got alien blood on my shoes." He murmured to himself as he splashed some of the fountain water on his shoes. A nearby splash alerted him of somebody else dipping their hands into the water, but he ignored it at first. That was until he saw the streaks of red spreading into the clear water, accompanied by the tinge of iron in the air. He knew that colour, and he knew that smell. His gaze shot to the side, fixating themselves on the source of the blood, an individual in an all-too familiar get-up.

Those goggles and the all-obscuring cloak practically screamed Yato. An admittedly short Yato, to boot.

"Are you trying to wash your hands in innocence?" He asked playfully while gripping the handle of his sword. "I'm afraid that's not going to work!" He drew his katana and slashed it at the cloaked form, but was blocked by a purple umbrella.

"My my, what do we have here? Another idiot who walks around with an umbrella on a perfectly sunny day." He mused, excitement glinting in his burgundy eyes. "I guess you're lucky it's cloudy today."

He released his sword and decided to try a swing from the side, but the umbrella effectively blocked it once more. A kick struck his stomach when his opponent put his weight on the umbrella and swung out his leg, but Sougo quickly caught his breath again as the Yato dropped low, probably targeting his legs. He jumped up in time to avoid being hit by the flurry of bullets that came out of the umbrella and landed behind the Yato. Without hesitating, he drew his sword once more, successfully cutting into his opponent's shoulder.

The Yato looked at his wounded arm for a second before charging his umbrella right back at him. The sword and the umbrella clashed, but Sougo attacked with the assurance that his blade would reach his enemy. He could visualize it, the blade slicing through the umbrella, followed by the Yato's neck. No matter how much brute strength they had, even they needed their aortas, after all.

He gasped when the remains of the umbrella were shoved into his face, a sharp edge catching the skin on his cheek in the process. Begrudgingly, he had to accepth that his blade was reduced to shards now, leaving it useless. Coming to a similar conclusion, the Yato opted to discard his weapon and go for hand-to-hand combat.

Sougo complied and reciprocated with a punch. The Yato blocked it effortlessly, maneuvering around to kick him in the ribcage. Despite being unable to fully guard against it, Sougo grinned, ignoring the blood he had coughed up involuntarily. This adrenaline pumping through his veins, this rush of pure bloodlust... This was what he lived for. He used the proximity to his advantage, his hand shooting out, aiming straight for his opponent's throat. Said opponent sensed the danger, shifting slightly to avoid his attack, which in turn threw him off balance and making his hand land on the Yato's chest.

The Shinsengumi officer's eyes widened slightly as he realized what it meant when his hand met with something soft and bouncy instead of the expected hard board. The Yato grabbed his wrist with his- no, her- hand and crushed it.

"I didn't think the police officers on Earth would stoop as low as sexual harassment." The female voice spoke up, slightly muffled due to the scarf covering her lower face.

Sougo chuckled, a sadistic glint in his eye. "That was harmless. I can show you real sexual harassment."

"I'd like to see you try, considering you only have one useful hand left." She retorted.

"That's all I need." He grinned.

Ignoring the pain in his left wrist he yanked it out of the female Yato's hold and launched a kick towards her stomach.

"Want to tell me why Princess Kada was deprived of her eyes?" He asked the Yato as she dodged his foot and retorted with a punch towards his face.

"She had them set on something she couldn't have." She replied cryptically. He ducked from the punch and attempted to elbow her in the ribs.

"And why did you break all of her fingers?" He inquired further. She made a grab for his arm.

"She took something that didn't belong to her." He pulled back his limb in time to escape her clutches.

"Oh, yeah? Whom did it belong to?" He felt his nose crack as her fist made contact with his face.

"Since you're quite entertaining, I'll give you some details." She pulled back her arm for another punch. "It belonged to the Elders."

"The Harusame?" Okita asked in surprise as he grabbed onto her scarf and yanked it off.

"Very good. You know your stuff." This time he heard her voice clearly and saw her pale, white skin. Her lips were pulled into a grin.

"So how'd she get her hands on it?" He rammed his elbow into her with his full body weight.

"She was one of them." His attack knocked her back considerably, the momentum making her hood slide down.

Deep vermillion locks flowed over her shoulders. She clicked her tongue. "There's no use hiding my appearance anymore considering the fact that you're practically undressing me." She pouted as she slid her goggles up and rested them on her head, revealing bright blue eyes that seemed awfully familiar.

Okita grinned. "I didn't think I'd get to meet the elephant right off the bet, how surprising. I was kind of hoping for a cute chick."

She pulled the heavy cloak off her shoulders, dropping it to the ground and gave him a saccharine smile. "Don't worry, you'll think I'm the cutest thing around once I've gouged your eyes out."

She launched her fist at him, extending her index and middle fingers, unapologetically aiming for his eyes. He noted that she was considerably faster now, but equally more exposed. He dodged the attack and instead made a grab for her red locks, grabbing a handful and pulling as hard as he could, making them both crash to the ground with him hovering over her.

He ignored the sickening crunch of his already shattered wrist impacting on the ground.

"I like seeing other people suffer because of me, you know? Like you right now." He whispered, his red eyes boring into her blue ones, faces mere inches apart.

"You fucking bastard." She muttered under her breath and kneed him between his legs. He grunted in pain and released his hold on her tresses.

"Goddamn bitch." He cursed as he fell back.

"Serves you right." She replied victoriously as she stood up.

Sougo clenched his teeth and willed his legs to move, headbutting her in the face. She let out a series of curse words as blood began trickling down the corner of her mouth, and before he could even blink her fist sunk into his ribs, a laboured laugh escaping her mouth as she revelled in the crunching sound of bones breaking. he sunk back to his knees against his own will, followed by her grabbing his face and slamming his head into the ground. Then, as if for good measure, she stomped on his shin, laughing even louder as the bones shifted.

"Not so tough now, are you, Mr. Policeman?" She mocked, a blinding, blood-stained smile on her face. "Don't worry, in return for giving me some entertainment, I'll make this quick. So first, tell me your name."

He looked up at her through his blood-soaked bangs and smirked. "Shinsengumi First Squad Captain, Sougo Okita. Don't you dare think this is the end."

"Harusame Seventh Squad Captain, Kagura." She introduced herself. "And now, please die." She smiled innocently as she pulled back her fist.

"Kagura, eh?" He chuckled and then winced at the pain it came with. "So you're China Boy's little sister, huh?"

"That's right." A familiar voice spoke up from next to him.

"I told you already, I have no use for weaklings." She smacked the hand that had intercepted her fist away, catching the attacking umbrella before it could damage her with ease.

"And I told you I'd fix that twisted thinking of yours." Kamui clenched his teeth, yanking the umbrella out of her hold. Just as he was about to strike again, another umbrella came down between them.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing, Abuto?" Kagura spat out murderously.

"We have to leave now, Commander, otherwise we'll be late for the meeting. And I believe I mentioned this before," the blonde man glanced at Kamui, "but I dislike seeing Yato blood being spilled. And I think you've played enough for today. Let's go." He dumped her cloak on her.

She harrumphed and pouted, then glanced back at her brother and the man she had been fighting against mere moments ago. "The next time I see you, I'll surely kill you two." She smiled at them and waved, threw on her cloak and disappeared in the distance.

His conciousness wavered, but Sougo fought it as long as he could. "Heh,... go ahead... and try... bitch."

"Oi, sadist, don't lose your conciousness here!" Somebody began shaking his injured body violently. He was forced to cough once more, the taste of blood filling his mouth. Keeping his eyes open was suddenly so exhausting, and the last thing he remembered before black faded in were muted voices calling out to him.

"Sougo!"

"Souichirou!"

"…and that's why you're stuck in the hospital for the next two weeks."

"Can you do me a favour and die? I'm sure it will help me recover faster." Okita asked him hopefully.

"I don't think that's the question you should be asking right now…" Hijikata sweatdropped.

AN: [Edit 30.05.17] I wasn't really happy with the first scene, so I changed it a bit. I also decided to throw out all honorifics, because we don't actually use them in English.

Please leave a review if you enjoyed it!

~Emi