Swirling thoughts
Jared
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Disclaimer:
The characters below belong to CLAMP and are only borrowed for the fanfic.
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I'm really tired. I feel lost. I don't even know why really. That is why they always say you should never be ruled by your heart. Emotions follow no logic. They are inexplicable. There is no real explanation why something is right. It just is.
I wish I could explain why I'm feeling depressed. Yet as I run through possible reasons for my present state, I no cause for this sudden surge of emotion. It was just a normal day, nothing new. No attempts on my life, no kidnapping attempts, Suoh and Akira by my side…Yet… something is lacking. Something that makes me feel sad.
It could be the song that I'm listening to. The orchestra is really very good. But that doesn't explain why I feel so empty, so depressed, so tired… It doesn't explain why I feel so lost.
It might be because it's so monotonous around here. Or it just might be because there was nothing much for me to do, but as I looked around me and found everyone doing something they really liked, I know I am only deceiving myself. I know what is wrong. It is the fact that every one is able to excel in what they like. Yet I find myself unable to say the same for myself.
I might have an IQ higher than most, and may solve maths and Physics questions in a blink of an eye. Yet I do not really like it. It is easy enough for me…but it's not really what I would love to do.
I can do almost anything with computers, rivalled only by Idomu. Yet it is an obligation to my family…an obligation that I have taken up, not something which I love. Maybe that's what has been lacking in my life. Passion.
No, not really passion for people. I'm happy being around people. Though I do wish I had more intimate friends, friends that I yearn for but cannot have because I know I'll only cause them more trouble. But that's not what I meant. There's no direction for me. I only do what I am good at, not what I love. Physics, Maths, Electrical Engineering…all my strengths. Yet are they really what I really like? I don't really know. Part of me likes them because they are so easy. Yet another part of me feels…sad. Doing it over and over just because I am good at it. Maybe it would be better if I were ordinary. No aptitude in anything, then I can follow my heart. I would not be hunted down by so many people for my brains.
Sometimes I really hate myself, for being who I am. I hate being me- the me that has so much yet so little. I hate being bound by all the things I have to do, like it or not. Being an entity that people have created in their minds. Living up to the expectations of others. Being the me that they hope for me to be. Yet who am I really? No one. No one but the mean that others wish me to be. I don't even really exist-there is no me aside the yardstick set by others. And sometimes I just feel it tearing me apart from the inside.
Why is it that everyone except for me can have everything that they wish? Why is it that only I am separated from the rest? Why am I who I am?
Yet I know, when all these foolish tears have fallen, I will return to what I am- the much envied Imonoyama Nokoru, cause that is what I am, who I am. Nothing more, nothing less. This is my destiny.
Jared
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer:
The characters below belong to CLAMP and are only borrowed for the fanfic.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm really tired. I feel lost. I don't even know why really. That is why they always say you should never be ruled by your heart. Emotions follow no logic. They are inexplicable. There is no real explanation why something is right. It just is.
I wish I could explain why I'm feeling depressed. Yet as I run through possible reasons for my present state, I no cause for this sudden surge of emotion. It was just a normal day, nothing new. No attempts on my life, no kidnapping attempts, Suoh and Akira by my side…Yet… something is lacking. Something that makes me feel sad.
It could be the song that I'm listening to. The orchestra is really very good. But that doesn't explain why I feel so empty, so depressed, so tired… It doesn't explain why I feel so lost.
It might be because it's so monotonous around here. Or it just might be because there was nothing much for me to do, but as I looked around me and found everyone doing something they really liked, I know I am only deceiving myself. I know what is wrong. It is the fact that every one is able to excel in what they like. Yet I find myself unable to say the same for myself.
I might have an IQ higher than most, and may solve maths and Physics questions in a blink of an eye. Yet I do not really like it. It is easy enough for me…but it's not really what I would love to do.
I can do almost anything with computers, rivalled only by Idomu. Yet it is an obligation to my family…an obligation that I have taken up, not something which I love. Maybe that's what has been lacking in my life. Passion.
No, not really passion for people. I'm happy being around people. Though I do wish I had more intimate friends, friends that I yearn for but cannot have because I know I'll only cause them more trouble. But that's not what I meant. There's no direction for me. I only do what I am good at, not what I love. Physics, Maths, Electrical Engineering…all my strengths. Yet are they really what I really like? I don't really know. Part of me likes them because they are so easy. Yet another part of me feels…sad. Doing it over and over just because I am good at it. Maybe it would be better if I were ordinary. No aptitude in anything, then I can follow my heart. I would not be hunted down by so many people for my brains.
Sometimes I really hate myself, for being who I am. I hate being me- the me that has so much yet so little. I hate being bound by all the things I have to do, like it or not. Being an entity that people have created in their minds. Living up to the expectations of others. Being the me that they hope for me to be. Yet who am I really? No one. No one but the mean that others wish me to be. I don't even really exist-there is no me aside the yardstick set by others. And sometimes I just feel it tearing me apart from the inside.
Why is it that everyone except for me can have everything that they wish? Why is it that only I am separated from the rest? Why am I who I am?
Yet I know, when all these foolish tears have fallen, I will return to what I am- the much envied Imonoyama Nokoru, cause that is what I am, who I am. Nothing more, nothing less. This is my destiny.
