[Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter, Morag Snape is in the books, Harry was accidently [innocent look] killed by a Death Eater who was actually aiming for somebody else, Morganna's in the books, Severus doesn't brood so much and can occasionally be persuaded to wear something other than black....
Aww, shit. I woke up.
And the title 'Dear, Dear Diary' belongs to Pink, as it is the title of one of her songs.]
Okay, this story is entirely entries in the diary of Morganna Montaque. Not dated, because I'm lazy. If you haven't read my other stories, you won't get most of it, because you know, when someone's writing in their diary, they don't expect anyone else to read it, so don't explain everything.
Dear, Dear Diary
Summary: The diary of Morganna Montaque, aged 16. The year is 1987. Nothing, she repeats, nothing is going right. Poor 'Ganna. Read on...
by Adele Elisabeth
Dear Diary,
It wasn't supposed to go like that! He was supposed to love me...
Me.
Not her.
Of course, I had to be kidding myself if I thought I had even half a chance. Realistically, why would he want me when he could have her.
What does she have that I don't?
Why would he love her instead of me?
I hate him. No, I wish I could hate him. I can't, and that's what hurts the most.
Because I love him too much. And it's not just puppy-love, it's real. I love him so much it hurts, and I just want to stop...I want to make it all go away so I can get on with my life as if it never happened.
I should have known. How could I not know? He's one of my closest friends. Probably my closest, to be honest. And he didn't tell me he was engaged.
Why didn't he tell me? I was the last to know, I bloody well know it. I thought we were friends.
Didn't he care enough to tell me? Why didn't he tell me? If I were engaged, I'd tell him, I know I would. I would want to share my happiness.
Was I not important enough to know?
Why, why, why, why, why?
It's just not fair.
Everything I do won't ever be enough. He'll be married to her, and having children, and loving her...and I'll be crying over shattered dreams that I never should have had in the first place.
Life's not fair. Yeah, I got that!
~ Morganna
Dear Diary,
I lied to Lily when I told her I was okay. That I was over Severus.
I couldn't just be magically 'over' him, as much as I wish I could. Everytime I think of him...I seem him with her, kissing her, holding her...
And it hurts, it's like a punch in the gut, or a knife, cutting out my heart...slowly.
Somebody must be worrying about me. I'm not sure who yet, but it certainly isn't Severus. He hasn't said two words to me since my absurd little confession.
I took four years of friendship and threw them all away with three stupid, stupid words. Severus may find it easy to stop giving a damn about me, but I'm going to find him a lot harder to let go of. I don't want to lose our friendship, but I don't know what to do that'll make it any better. I can't make it better, and I have no control over it. I can't deal with this, I just can't. I have not being in control of my life, but right now...everything's spiralling out of my control, and it's scaring me. I don't know what to do anymore.
Maybe I'll just write a letter to Rene. Rene always makes it better. No, I can't do that. I can't admit to him...I'm his princess. I couldn't bear for him to look at me, knowing what a foolish thing I did, knowing that I'm in all this pain and it's all my own fault.
I don't need that, not on top of all this.
I will regain control of my own life, if it kills me.
Right now, it feels like it might.
~ Morganna
Dear Diary,
I'm sorry I haven't written much lately, it's just everything's been so...god, I can't even begin to describe it.
But I'll try my best.
I met Jonathan O'Connell, last week, perhaps, I forget.
His girlfriend had dumped him (again), and he was looking for a pretty face to take to a party to make her jealous. I didn't know that, then. Somewhere between the bad music and moping, we ended up in bed. Whatever thoughts I've had of my 'first time', that wasn't it.
For the record, though, I'm not complaining.
Or, wasn't then.
I'm going to be a mummy.
I'm so stupid. Mistake after bloody mistake. First Severus...now Jonathan, and this...I'm having a baby. I can't deal with all this, it's too much. Too much for me.
Jonathan and his perfect little bitch of a girlfriend are happy together again, but I was petty enough to make sure she overheard my conversation with Jonathan about impending parenthood. He spent the next few hours trying to get his girlfriend to come out of the bathroom, where she was crying.
Her! Crying! I'm the one who has to bring a child into this world, care for it...I'm too young for this. I'm too young to be a mother. For god's sake, Lucia'd be a better mother than me, I'm sure.
Lacrimosa, even!
I couldn't bear looking in Rene's eyes when I told him. I was so scared he'd be...disappointed in me. That he would look at me with that sad look, and I'd just break down, because I can't bear it when he's disappointed in me.
But he wasn't, he just cuddled me up in his arms and promised things would be okay. He promised.
So they have to be.
They certainly can't get any worse than this.
~ Morganna
Dear Diary,
This is all Severus's fault. If he'd loved me, instead of that...girl, I would never have gotten myself into this mess. If he'd just loved me...
No, this isn't his fault. I'm not so childish that I actually believe that. Severus couldn't have forseen any of this. I will take responsibility for my own actions, however much that terrifies me.
I can't believe this. Even after...everything, I still love that bastard. If there were a god, if some higher power, some benevolent deity were watching over us, She'd at least let me hate him.
I want so much to hate him.
~ Morganna
Dear Diary,
I'm going to tell Severus about my baby.
My baby.
I'm going to tell him. I'll...I'll ask him to be godfather. I'm sure he'll do that, at least. We were, after all, friends.
Stuart wants to come to England and 'beat the shit out of that son of a bitch who knocked you up, 'Ganna', I believe were his exact words.
I'm too tired to argue with him on this. If he wants to reduce Jonathan to a bloodied pulp, I'm not going to stop him.
Okay, okay, yes, I would.
But I told Stuart he could come to England, if only because I need somebody to lean on. Stuart's my big brother, and I love him. He's what I lean on when I can't stand up on my own. He knows that, and I know that. We just never talk about it.
I miss him. Him and Rene.
All I have to do is close my eyes and hide in their arms, and all is all right with the world, if only for a little while.
~ Morganna
Dear Diary,
Stuart couldn't come, but he sent me a book for pregnant witches. Rene wrote me a letter too, and they both suggested baby names.
I want to name my baby Severin if it's a boy.
It's so easy to make plans like this, when my belly is flat and I can pretend it's all just a horrible dream.
But in a few month's time, it'll be a reality, and that's just not fair...
I miss naivete.
~ Morganna
Okay guys, that's all there is (for now, anyhow), because by now, everybody should know the story. Y'all know what happens. And if you don't, then you probably didn't get most of this story either.
But if you all are very, very good little readers (and reviewers, hint hint), I might just do a chapter two. Probably not, because it's easier to write depressing and it gets overwhelmingly happy after this, but there you go.
Love,
Your Devoted Author
