Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling.

Snape and Umbridge

Daphne Greengrass returned with Severus Snape.

"You wanted to see me, Headmistress Dinosaur?" he said.

"Potter has been communicating with persons unknown," Umbridge told him.

"Potter who?" asked Snape stupidly.

"Harry Potter," Umbridge said.

"Harry Potter who?"

"This one!" She pointed to Harry.

"Ah, that Harry Potter," said Snape. "I thought you said Parry Hotter."

"What?" said Umbridge in disbelief.

"So what about Potter?" asked Snape.

"I wish to interrogate him."

"And wha'd'ya need me for? Am I just for decoration?"

"Well, hand me the Veritaserum," said Umbridge.

"What Veritaserum?"

"The Veritaserum I asked you to bring."

"Well, if you wanted me to bring the Veritaserum," Snape sneered, "you probably should have let me in on the plan."

"Well, get it!"

"No," said Snape, looking affronted.

"Why?"

"You hurt my feelings," the Potions master replied.

"Screw your feelings!" shrieked Umbridge. "And get the damn potion!"

SMACK!

Snape slapped Umbridge in the face angrily.

"Don't yell at me," he said calmly.

"I'll yell at whoever I please!" snarled Umbridge. "And don't you dare hit me, Snape!"

"Well, if you desire it," said Snape ironicallly.

"You're on probation, Snape!" Umbridge shrieked. "You're being deliberately annoying!"

"Well, how do you be annoying by accident?" Snape scoffed.

He started to turn away, but Harry shouted, "He's got Padfoot! He's got him at the place where it's hidden!"

"Well, someone has gotta go save him!" Snape yelled.

"Wha'd'ya think I've been trying to do?" Harry demanded.

"I'm on it!" Snape said.

"Who is Padfoot?" Umbridge demanded.

"Hell if I know," Snape shrugged, "but He's got him."

"Who's he?" asked Umbridge.

"Hell if I know," Snape repeated.

"Where what's hidden?"

"Don't know," Snape shrugged.

"So you don't know who Padfoot is, who's got him, and where they've taken him?"

"Pretty much," Snape replied.

"Then why're you helping him?" Umbridge demanded.

"Well, it's the right thing to do, you old hag," said Snape. "But I suppose growing up in the caveman days hasn't given you a lot of empathy. . . ."

"I did not grow up in the caveman days!" said Umbridge angrily.

"Whatever you say," said Snape skeptically. "Hey, how was it owning a dinosaur?"

"GET OUT!" Umbridge shrieked.

Snape raised his hands in surrender, and disappeared out the door.

Snape and Voldemort

Harry, Ron, and Hermione slid down the earthy passage, which was a much tighter squeeze than last time, which was four years ago. Finally, they arrived at the edge of the tunnel, which was blocked by a crate. But they could still see two figures: Lord Voldemort and Severus Snape.

"My Lord, the rebellion is crumbling - "

" - and it is doing so without your help. Skilled though you are, Severus - "

"Oh, thank you. Sometimes I go through an entire day where I'm the only person who's nice to me."

"Shut up, Severus."

"Got it, chief!"

"Regardless of your skills, Severus, I doubt you will make much difference. We are almost there . . . almost."

"Let me find the boy. Let me bring you Potter. I know I can, Your Highness. Please."

"Severus, I have a problem."

"Yeah, ya do."

Voldemort raised the Elder Wand.

"Shut up, and tell me why it doesn't work for me."

"It does! Your Highness, you've done extraordinary magic with that wand."

"No, I've performed my usual magic. I am extraordinary."

"Someone's conceited."

"How many times must I tell you to shut up, Severus?"

"I don't know. I think 6,400 might be the limit."

"Who answers that question?"

"I do, so apparently I'm a no one."

"Yes, you are. You must be killed, Severus."

"Seems a little extreme, my Lord."

"You killed Dumbledore. I did not."

"Well, if you wanted to kill Dumbledore, you should have asked."

"I didn't. But while you live, this Wand will not work for me. I'm sorry, Severus, but only I can live forever."

Voldemort slashed Snape's face with the Elder Wand.

"Aah!"

Voldemort turned to Nagini.

"Kill."

Snape screamed, and Nagini attacked./

"I regret it."

And Voldemort and Nagini leave the Shrieking Shack.

Snape and Lily

Petunia ran up to Lily.

"Lily, you know Mummy said you're not allowed," she said.

"Tunie, let your hair down!" called Lily. "You need to be one with nature, one with the force we call the Circle of Life."

"And it moves us on," sang Severus. "Through despair and hope, through faith and love. Till we find our place. On the path unwinding. Oh, it's the circle, the circle of life."

Severus arrived on the scene, and moved toward Lily and Petunia.

"Who are you, man?" asked Lily.

"Severus is the name," said Severus. "Severus Snape."

"I'm Pet - " began Petunia.

"You don't just talk when someone's not talking to you!" yelled Severus.

"Well, sorry!" said Petunia, her hands up in surrender.

"Anyways, Lily Evans, I'm a wizard. And you, my friend, are a witch."

"No way!" said Lily.

"Way," said Severus.

The scene dissolved, and before Harry knew it, re-formed around him. Two children lay, relaxing by a glittering lake.

". . . and the Ministry can punish you if you use magic outside school."

"But I have!"

"No, we're fine!" said Severus. "We're kids! They don't punish kids, unless they're James Potter, of course! But he's a national disaster. It's once we get wands and stuff, that they get all up in our grille."

"Cool, man," said Lily. "That is so wicked! And awesome! AWESOME!"

"Yeah, it is!"

"And will my letter come by eagle?"

"Yours won't. They'll send someone to give it to you."

"Yeah, I always knew I was awesome."

"No, it's 'cuz you're Muggle-born."

"Does it make a diff, man, y'know, being, like, Muggle-born?"

Severus hesitated, his eager black eyes moving over her dark red hair.

"No," he lied. "It doesn't."

"Cool, man," said Lily, looking confident, but Harry could tell it had bothered her.

"You're a powerful witch, Lily," said Severus. "I have seen you."

"How are things at your place?" Lily, who was not listening, asked.

A little crease appeared between her eyes.

"Fine. Just fine."

"They're not arguing anymore?"

"Oh, yes, they're arguing," said Severus. "They can't figure out who took the last cookie."