The 'Odd' Man Out
By Deana Lisi
A Hogan's Heroes crossover with…(can anyone figure it out? LOL)
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"Where are they? They're two hours overdue!"
LeBeau and Kinch both sighed as they watched Colonel Hogan pace. The last month had been very stressful, with several missions not going quite as planned. Tonight's chore seemed easy…round up eight escaped prisoners from Stalag Six, and hide them until a submarine could pick them up. Simple.
Or at least, it should've been simple…
Hogan sighed, wondering if Newkirk and Carter had encountered a German patrol along the way. He walked over to the tunnel ladder and looked up towards the tree stump, just in time to see it open. Relieved, he stepped back and watched as Newkirk climbed down. "Where have you been?!" he exclaimed.
Jumping down off the ladder, the Englishman gave the colonel an exasperated look, walking past him and dropping onto a bench, rubbing his sleeve across his forehead to wipe away sweat. "When does the sub arrive, Colonel?" he asked, rather than answer the question.
Hogan looked up the ladder as more men started to come down, and, satisfied that the mission had apparently been successful, he looked at Newkirk again. "We won't know until we notify London that we found the escapees. Why?"
"What?!" a voice suddenly exclaimed, before Newkirk had a chance to answer. "I'm not climbing down there!"
Newkirk sighed. "That's why."
Suddenly, someone fell halfway down the ladder, stumbling down a few of the rungs before falling onto his rear-end at the bottom. Hogan looked up again, shocked to realize that someone had pushed him down the stump. "Hey!" he said, figuring that some of the escapees were enemies with each other. "There'll be no more of that!"
One more soldier came down the ladder, not looking at all contrite; he shot the man the same exasperated look that had been on Newkirk's face.
Carter closed the stump and came down the ladder, as the man on the floor quickly stood and dusted himself off with a handkerchief, looking unconcerned at the violence done him…as if he was used to it?
Hogan shot the stranger an odd look, before asking Newkirk, "Did you run into any trouble?"
Newkirk shrugged. "Not from the Germans."
Someone snickered, and Hogan frowned. "Kinch, radio London and tell them that all the 'packages' have arrived safely. Newkirk, Carter…" he motioned for them to follow him, and he headed into the next room. "All right, what's going on here?"
Newkirk shook his head and gestured behind himself. "That bloke who fell down the ladder is barmy! 'e's lucky we all got back 'ere in one piece!"
"What do you mean?"
Carter shrugged. "He's…well…" he twirled a finger next to his head in the 'crazy' gesture.
Before Hogan could get an explanation, the young man in question walked into the room, with a shocked look on his face.
"Look at this mess!" the man exclaimed. "There's dust everywhere! Don't you people ever clean anything?!" He then put a hand to his forehead and started making honking sounds that resembled a dying goose.
Hogan stared at him, completely stunned at the bizarre display.
Newkirk pointed at him. "Listen to 'im! 'e kept doin' that the whole way back! We 'ad ta keep hidin' from patrols! It's a miracle we didn't get caught!"
The strange man looked at them. "It was damp outside, that's not good for my sinuses! Neither is all this dust! Where's your broom?"
"Well ya ruddy sinuses could've got us all killed!" Newkirk shot back.
"All right, all right!" Hogan exclaimed, before the situation could get any worse. He shook his head as the other escapees came into the room. "Is this all of you?"
Everyone looked at each other before nodding.
Hogan saw by their uniforms that they were all Americans, but he didn't recognize any of them as being from his own unit; they all looked to be in their early twenties. "Dog tags?" he said, shooting a look at Kinch.
The sergeant took a small notepad out of his pocket to write the names down, as the eight men obediently pulled them off and handed them over.
Hogan took the tags from Carter and LeBeau, and reached out to take the ones from Newkirk, but the Englishman was staring at one of the tags with an expression of shock on his face.
"Felix Unger?" Newkirk said, looking at the 'crazy' escapee. "I knew it! You're a German plant, makin' all that noise on purpose so the krauts would catch us!"
"That's not true!" Unger answered, looking insulted. "I'm a German-American! My grandparents emigrated to the United States at the turn of the century!"
"That's enough!" Hogan exclaimed, stepping between them and shooting Newkirk a look as he took the dog tags from him. "We can easily find out."
Newkirk met Hogan's gaze, and the colonel could see that the Englishman had developed an instant dislike for the odd man. Great, Hogan thought. "Kinch, get on the horn to London and give them the names. Tell them to check them all out."
"Right, colonel."
Everyone was quiet for a minute or two, no one knowing what to say.
Suddenly, Carter piped up. "I named my pet mouse 'Felix'," he told Unger.
Newkirk looked at him as if to say, 'shut up'.
Unger honked again and started looking around. "Where did you say that broom was?"
"We never said we 'ad one," Newkirk said, sarcastically.
Unger stopped and looked around the room, spreading one arm to indicate everything it contained. "Well, considering how resourceful you men appear to be, I'm sure that someone can make one out of something!"
Newkirk opened his mouth and closed it again, shaking his head and heading towards the ladder, climbing up into the barracks.
Carter watched him go, before heading into the room that he'd claimed as his 'lab', and coming out with a broom, which he wordlessly handed to Unger.
"You must be hungry," LeBeau said to the newcomers. "I will fix you all something to eat."
Hogan watched as Unger started sweeping the room, and found that he desperately needed a cup of coffee after these bizarre events. He climbed up into the barracks after LeBeau, and spotted Newkirk sitting at the table, holding an empty mug as the coffee perked on their woodstove. He went over and took the pot, pouring it into the Englishman's cup before his own.
Newkirk automatically drank it, before making a face as he realized that he hadn't put in any sugar.
Hogan sipped his own, not minding it black. "Do I need to tell you to cool it around our new friend? He won't be here long, you know."
Newkirk sighed. "Ya weren't there, guv. The bloody fool made such a racket, that I was sure we'd never make it back 'ere." He shook his head.
Hogan could understand Newkirk's anger. "Well, you did make it back, and soon, Unger will be nothing but a fond memory!"
Newkirk rolled his eyes.
TBC
So yeah…did anyone here (or are you all too young?) figure out what the crossover is with? (Don't clue them in by saying it in your review, Janet!) LOL ;)
