Black Ain't Your Color
Chapter 1
The quest for true love is a dangerous path that very few manage to complete unscathed. In Wii Fit Trainer Wendy's case, another breakup to add to her previous four was nothing new. She had spent years trying to find the perfect man, her one knight in shining armor that would free her from Super Smash Bros. and show her that there was more to life than mastering the art of yoga. It seemed, however, that the older she grew, the harder it was for her to find love. And at the rigid age of 28, she was about ready to quit the low road and take a spin at the popular online dating apps.
"I'm sure you'll find someone eventually," reassured Princess Peach, stirring her cup of tea ever so delicately with her plastic teaspoon. "There are plenty of fish in the sea after all."
Perhaps she was right, but if that sea just so happened to be limited to the pool of Super Smash Bros. competitors like it had been previously, then Wendy might as well have been fishing in a shallow pond.
"It's not that Marth and I didn't get alone," replied Wendy, trying not to sound rude. "It's just that…I can't date a guy who can't beat me in an arm wrestle…"
It was as embarrassing for Prince Marth just as it had been for her when she trounced him in what was supposed to be a one-sided game between a typical boyfriend and girlfriend. In hindsight, it was actually kind of funny, but to add insult to injury, she ended up being the one to break up with him, and only after about three weeks! The two hadn't even kissed at that point.
"My advice," said Peach. "Don't date royalty. Even if you do manage to get in, there's no escaping the politics that comes with it. Believe me; I would know."
She calmly sipped her cup as Wendy twiddled with the stir-stick in her hand. She hadn't even touched her drink since she received it from the barista, but fortunately, her medium coffee with milk hadn't gotten too cold. Already she was starting to have second thoughts on the whole thing, yet the devil in her heart was telling her that if she didn't break up with Marth then and there, then it would have eventually happened a few months down the line anyway. That's how the story went with Luigi, Ryu, Ike, and Mr. Game & Watch as well, although the reasons varied from pathetic to ridiculous. Every case ended with Wendy having to cut the ties, however, thankfully early enough that none of her ex-boyfriends had been left with any scars. Well, except for Luigi, but he always cried whenever it came to interacting with girls anyway.
"I just don't know what to do anymore," said Wendy in exasperation, the stir-stick falling from her grasp. "I've dated a swordsman, a martial artist, a prince…hell, I even dated a 2D guy, and he only knew how to talk in beeps!"
"They obviously weren't the right type for you," replied Peach reassuringly. "What is it you look for in a guy?"
Wendy sat there, puzzled as she pondered the question that she hadn't really thought of before. She was kind of used to dating guys left and right, usually giving them a pass if they looked better than average and were in good physical shape. She never really took the time to evaluate her previous experiences though, going by a sort of "living in the moment" type of code that the past few years staying at the resort had taught her.
"I guess I'd like someone who is older than me," she muttered before sitting up in her seat. "And maybe bigger than me." She squeezed her fists as more ideas started coming to her. "And he has to be strong, or at least be willing to follow a healthy diet." Her eyes wandered to the small lights on the ceiling. "And he's gotta be cool! Not like edgy or something, but just…you know…confident in himself. He has to be mature, but also funny, and maybe kind of daring sometimes." She was on a roll now, the very thought of such a Romeo existing making her heart flutter like a high schooler's first crush. "He has to be tough and mean to people that he doesn't like, but have a softer side for me when we're together. He has to enjoy walks in the park and animals and also exercising. Oh! And he also has to like sports. Not like football or anything, but maybe hockey or tennis or something, you know? And he has to know how to fix cars! And also be a handyman! And maybe…" She sighed. "Maybe he wouldn't mind cuddling with me every now and then." Her head sank a little as she mentioned her final wishes. "Not every day if he doesn't want to, but sometimes…yeah, that would be pretty nice."
Peach had put down her teacup long before Wendy had finished her list of requirements, and quite frankly she wasn't surprised why she had broken up with all of her exes so quickly. With standards like that, it was a wonder how Wendy could even manage a relationship, especially when she herself was no Juliet, being a tomboyish fitness instructor partaking in a fighting tournament.
Needless to say, after Wendy had calmed down, Peach couldn't help but stifle a giggle.
"I think that's the kind of guy every girl wants," said Peach jokingly. "But no one's perfect. It's like a give and take. You might meet someone who is really good with cars, but then he might not be one for exercising or training. You have to accept them for their good and their bad parts."
Wendy indulged in her coffee as she listened, taking note at how good Peach was at giving advice. That's not the reason why they had met up at a coffee shop in Smashville of all places, no, but she supposed it was a fortunate side effect of being friends with the princess. Originally their plan was to come out and just enjoy the weekend together, but one conversation led to another and the next thing she knew Wendy was listing off the reasons why Marth was better suited to a gay relationship than a straight one. It's not that Peach didn't want to hear it though. There was a time in her life when thirsting for gossip was all she did in this town, but with Wii Fit Trainer Wendy having her usual romantic problems, nothing was really new anymore.
"The good and the bad parts, huh," replied Wendy, staring at the contents of her mug. "I guess I can live with that." She smirked. "But come on, if he already comes with all the good parts, how many bad parts can there be?"
Peach was prepared to give a rebuttal, something along the lines of how people like that were few and far between, but she never got a chance to say anything. The crowd in the café had suddenly become deathly quiet for some reason, the relaxing ambiance now ruined as the music was cut and a chilling wind entered from the front doors. All eyes in the café had turned to the entrance, employees and customers alike freezing in place as they realized that they were being visited by the very incarnation of evil itself.
A tall man had entered the café, followed by two armored soldiers bearing skeletal faces. Natives of Hyrule would recognize them as Stalfos, undead warriors from days past that only served the highest power. Tailing their leader, the soldiers clanked into the café, casting glances at the various civilians as if to petrify them, although most of the attention was drawn to their large swords and dented bucklers.
The man leading the group was none other than Ganondorf Dragmire, a competitor in Super Smash Bros. that Peach had known since the Melee days. This was the first time Wendy had seen him in person though, and like many who saw Ganondorf for the first time, she was in awe. He carried himself with unwavering charisma, a grin on his face that practically beckoned for someone to step up to the plate and challenge him. His heavy armor clanked in unison with his cohorts, while a sword imbued with dark aura hung loosely at his hips. Unlike the Stalfos, his eyes narrowed in on his objective, the brown-haired barista standing next to the coffee machine just on the other side of the counter. Fixing his bearded grin, he casually stalked up to the bar, his underlings taking their places on either side of him while facing the rest of the shop with menacing glares.
The poor Mii that was behind the counter was shaking uncontrollably as Ganondorf leaned in towards her, admiring her inability to conquer her fear.
"A little birdie told me that this place sells the best coffee in all of Smashville," he said, eyes lingering on the petrified barista. "Is it true?"
The silence in the room was deafening, Princess Peach herself starting to feel uneasy at this point. She was fully prepared to bring the brawl to him though, for she knew that Ganondorf had a reputation for causing mischief. The only problem was that he was notorious for covering his tracks, so unless she could catch him doing anything funny, she was forced to bide her hands. Wendy, on the other hand, was more intrigued than fearful of the dark lord, for never in her life had she seen someone command so much attention with such little effort. From his excellent poise to the very aura circulating around his body, it was almost as if the very elements themselves were slaves to Ganondorf's whim.
The poor Mii that Ganondorf had been addressing this whole time shook her head, but then quickly reaffirmed herself by rapidly nodding in panic.
"Y-Yes, that is correct," she stammered, refusing to look the man in the eye. "Is there s-something I c-can get for you today?"
Ganondorf took his sweet time giving a reply, relishing the moment he was having toying with this mortal. A few more seconds of silence passed, but the Mii still did not open her eyes, instead choosing to quiver and possibly wetting herself in the process.
"That jerk…" mumbled Peach, clenching her delicate fingers into a fist. "I ought to give him a piece of my mind."
"Shh, no wait," whispered Wendy, holding up an arm to stop her. Admittedly, she was so enamored by this bizarre event that she wanted to see the end result without any intervention.
"There is something you can get for me," mused Ganondorf, perusing the various items scribbled on the blackboards above. He didn't bother reading any of it though, for he already knew what he had come here to do. "One coffee. Extra large. Black. Brewed to perfection with your finest alchemic instruments." He paused momentarily as the Stalfos on his right tapped him on the shoulder, nodding its head with puppy-dog eyes. Ganondorf sighed. "And a small strawberry-mango smoothie." He produced a small leather-bound case from his belt, levitating it in midair before spilling a couple of coins onto the counter.
As the barista scrambled to count the change, Peach simmered herself down, but not once did she dare to take her eyes off of Ganondorf. It's not like he wasn't the center of attention as it was, but in a way that's how Ganondorf liked to play. Whether he was winning or losing, he always enjoyed putting on a show, especially since most of the time the conflicts ended with him walking away with the prize. Regardless, it's not like he was doing anything out of line. Sure, seeing him in a coffee shop of all places was suspicious, since normally he was busy isolating himself from the rest of the world in order to plot its inevitable demise, but as long as he was following the rules, there really wasn't anything to call him out on.
He had cast a glance to Wendy and Peach's table for a split second, but the moment was frozen in time when Wendy made eye contact with him. She was able to get a good look at his profile, taking note of his sharp nose, the tanned skin, and the scruffy beard that complimented the rest of his black armor quite nicely. He lacked a bit in the hair department, although his jawline was very defined, and he seemed to be one for accessorizing with the colorful jewels around his head. At a glance, he didn't appear scary at all, but at the same time, Wendy had no idea about his origins. To her, he was just a tall, dark stranger, a capable man with the uncanny ability to silence a room with just a few words off the tongue. To the average Smashville citizen, Ganondorf was a menace to society, but in her eyes, he was an enticing mystery just waiting to be solved. And that's ultimately what caused her to stare even after Ganondorf had received his beverage from the barista.
"Keep the change," he said while handing his subordinate the sugary drink he had ordered for it. The Stalfos downed it in an instant, its brother shaking its head and rolling its eyes at the child-like behavior unfitting for a soldier of darkness. Ganondorf paid no mind to them, however, for he now had an extra-large freshly brewed cup of coffee in his hand, complete with a cardboard cozy and the letter "B" scribbled on the side of it.
"You fool," he said to the Mii, the grin on his face growing wider by the second. "Do you have any idea what you have just done?"
The barista shook her head as she continued to quiver, now starting to wish she had taken the day off as opposed to going through this customer bullshit.
Ganondorf raised his purchase up high as if he had been given a chalice of life-giving water. Little did the various onlookers know that he now had an unstoppable source of power at his disposal, with free will to do with it as he pleased. Not only that, but he now knew where he could get limitless supply of this caffeinated substance, and all after one measly payment of $4.75.
"You mortals have sealed your doom!" Ganondorf shouted before ripping off the top and chugging the boiling-hot coffee. A small earthquake immediately shook the store, plates and cups dancing across tables while people screamed and ran for cover. Peach scrambled to get to her feet, but the miniature fissures forced her back onto her butt, while Wendy stared on at the spectacle, bewildered by the thought of what was going to happen next.
The coffee poured into Ganondorf's mouth, although some of it spilled onto his face, burning him but leaving no marks behind as the pain quickly dissipated into nonexistence. Already he could feel the hot liquid entering his system, coursing through his body as if it had broken from his stomach and entered his own blood stream. He clenched the remains of the plastic cup in hand, throwing it to the ground as he let out a mighty howl.
"This is it!" he roared. "This is what true power feels like!"
Peach feared for the worst, thinking that she would have to rally the other members of Super Smash Bros. in order to put a stop to this madness, but fortunately, Ganondorf's rampage was short-lived. Not even two seconds after he had expelled that last bit of energy the earthquakes subsided and all the commotion had ceased. The innocent civilians who had run or ducked under tables for shelter sat there confused and dumbfounded by the strange turn of events. The entire café was back to normal, although there were still a few messes to clean up from the few spillages. What they were left with was the sight of Ganondorf standing in the middle of the shop, shouting at the top of his lungs about unstoppable power or something like that. No one was really sure since he started gurgling once the coffee had caught up to him.
The Stalfos soldiers escorted him out of the café, where he then proceeded to throw up on the sidewalk. Apparently, nobody told him that coffee was meant to be enjoyed in small sittings and not chugged down all at once. The display alone had earned a hilarious response as several customers who had been cowering in fear just moments before were leaving their seats to behold the sight of the King of Evil falling victim to his own stomach. Murmurs and chatter soon picked up as the commotion carried over to the front of the store. Miis, Toads, and other characters alike were already on their phones to take pictures of Ganondorf puking out his guts, his Stalfos underlings unsure of what to do as they stood there rubbing their dark leader on the back.
"Serves him right for causing a scare like that," said Peach dutifully. "He almost ruined my dress with that stunt."
Wendy, although hearing very well what her friend had said, watched curiously from afar as the crowd began to grow with more onlookers. Even the Mii that Ganondorf had intimidated at the counter was up there to get a glimpse of the action.
"Peach," she said in wonder. "Who is that man?"
"Ganondorf?" replied Peach. "He's a ruthless scoundrel who wants nothing more than to take over Hyrule and turn it into a desolate wasteland. Don't waste your time with him. Let's just finish out drinks and go."
She proceeded to enjoy the remainder of her tea while ignoring the murmurs coming from the other side of the room, but Wendy couldn't look away. She found herself struck by a curious sensation, like a cat longing to reach out and catch the mouse that she had been chasing her whole life. There was something about that man that really stood out to her, but what that thing was exactly she wasn't quite sure. Still, it didn't change the fact that she was getting excited just thinking about it.
"Ganondorf, huh," she said with a devilish smirk. "Now there's a name you don't hear every day."
