Disclaimer: Neo says "If you want to own the Matrix, go talk to the Architect."
Now before I begin I have to say that I don't hold a huge grudge against sues. In fact, I just find them so darn amusing that I've decided to dedicate my afternoon to writing a manual…
Read, enjoy the randomness, and if I forgot anything comments are welcome!
The Guide to Mary-Sues
A Manual
(Note: Please keep Sue in packaging until you have fully read the manual.)
Congratulations!
You are now the new proud owner of a Mary-Sue! Finally, these elusive and hard to tame creatures have been caught and sent to people like you all around the world right to your doorstep. Before assembling your Sue, please read all instructions fully in order to get the most enjoyment out of your Sue as possible.
What have I ordered?
The creature that is currently packaged up is the most feared creature of all finfic-dom. Each Sue comes complete with her own 95 artificial/ 5 recycled material of Tragic Story specifically designed to make all other characters feel pity and forgiveness. She comes complete with-
-Mini skirt
-Revealing top
-Flawless waist-length hair
-Squeaky voice
-Her choice of weapon that she has seemed to wield in less than 2 seconds.
-IQ boosting pills
-Sharp Pointy Object (for hurting Sue if need be)
-Happy pills for your convenience.
Note: There are no refunds, returns, or satisfaction guarantees. (unless under specific conditions) Handle at own risk…
How to AssembleQuite simple, really. All you need are some car keys or a knife (preferred) to open the box. When you open the box, you'll see that the Sue is currently restrained (hopefully) in a straightjacket. If not…we'll get to that.
So if the Sue is restrained you can either cut it to shreds or open the straightjacket and keep it for your own personal use. Please note that some people buy the Sue only because they want the straightjacket.
(If your Sue is not restrained in the jacket, then please sent it back and we'll kindly replace it for you with no sanity lost is the process.)
After AssemblingOnce you've got your Sue free of the jacket, back away a few feet and simply observe. It is recommended to take notes of what your Sue does for the following days. Until you get used to her PMSing moments, it is NOT recommended to add any other characters to the household.
Added Info.
Sues are social creatures and need attention 24/7. They also make a wonderful gift to Anti-Sues.
What does my Sue like to do?
Each Sue is unique and different. Although Sues have short attention spans, they love to play board games such as Monopoly and Jenga. Puzzles are also another hit with Sues. Keep in mind to buy puzzles with easy designs, as Sues sill have low self-esteem if they can't find the correct piece.
For those people who love to shop-till-you-drop, there is no better companion than your very own Sue. Sues are more than happy to help you find what you need for your wardrobe (even in it means putting a dent in your savings). With unlimited energy and a never-ending love for clothes, mall shopping is the way to bond with your Sue.
How to Maintain your SueOf all the characters, the Sues are one of the easiest to maintain. Sues are clever creatures (how else can they wiggle their way to our favorite characters' hearts?) but if your Sue is seeming more stupid than it normally does, let her take a dose of IQ pills enclosed within the package. Depending on the level of stupidity your Sue is suffering, the IQ pills solve all problems! The doses can be found on the back of the pill bottle, but we put it here for your convenience.
-Slight stupidity- ½ of pill
-Moderate stupidity- 1 pill
-Drooling stupidity- 2 pills
-Extreme stupidity- 4 pills
-On-the-verge-of-twitching-while-drooling Stupidity- Abandon pills, use straightjacket.
(Note: If it comes is to this, put Sue in jacket and place outside. Make sure the Sue is placed in shade and that the outside temperature is between 60-82 degrees. Depending on your Sue, recovery takes between 3 to 5 hours. For faster recovery effects, place something shiny near Sue. This'll result in shouts like "OOO! Pretty object!" and so on and so forth. Your Sue may try to gnaw through jacket, but it's reinforced with….stuff…that…your Sue isn't able to gnaw through…yeah. If it's raining, snowing, hailing, etc. you can still place Sue outside. Recovery just takes longer. If hail is larger than a golf ball, grab yourself some popcorn and enjoy the show of Sue vs. Nature)
Normally, Sue handlers only experience the stupidity problems, but occasionally your Sue may have PMSing problems. If this should occur, draw a circle, and tell your Sue to find a corner and sit in it. Normally, this takes your Sue's short attention spanned mind off of her problems and is simply content with doing an impossible task (whether or not your Sue realizes it.)
If Sue realizes that "Hey! There isn't a corner to a circle!" and is still PMSing, lock her away in any type of polygonal room with food, water, and the picture of the character she is trying to win over. Recovery takes less than 30 seconds. If you happen to walk in the room and see a shrine, don't panic, it is simply Sue nature.
In Conclusion
We hope you enjoy the newest member to your family. When you and your Sue get along, feel free to add other members, particularly males if you want the front seat of a never-ending drama. If you happen to decide to want the Twin characters, the drama won't last and there will be a nice bloodstain on your floor/rug/wall or wherever the Sue met her tragic demise. If you want some good drama, though, feel free to add the Trinity character and Neo character.
Questions and/or comments?We'll be more than happy to answer your concerns. Our number is 1-800-click-the-review-button. XD
