"Hurt"
Genre: Angst/Romance
Rating: R
Author's Notes: First and foremost, I do not own the Harry Potter characters or Snape, and the lyrics in the story are from random Nine Inch Nails songs. Why did I pick that band? I believe Severus Snape can relate to the wonderful works of Trent Reznor (not to mention the fact that he sort of reminds me of an old-school Trent, especially from the "Closer" video). In this story, there are suicide attempts and later on some Hermione and Snape action.
On a side note, I have decided to keep Hermione's original middle name instead of going by the recent change JKR made in Deathly Hallows. Personally, I find Hermione Jane prettier than Hermione Jean.
One more thing. This story is HBP compliant but non-DH compliant to a certain degree. It takes place after the supposed defeat of Voldemort had DH gone another direction.
Warning: Contains violence, sex, and suicidal attempts. Also, this is a Hermione Granger/Severus Snape shipping. Do not read if this bothers you!
Chapter One: Hurt
It was just an ordinary night at Hogwarts. Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and some other Gryffindors spent their evening having a ball with Ron's latest creation: the pin-the-snake-on-Professor-Snape game. This was obviously one of Ron's many creative games against Severus Snape. Every Gryffindor boy hated the Potions Master because of his strict behavior in the classroom (they were certain Gryffindor was last in the competition for house points with -490 house points and did not have a chance to catch up with Hufflepuff, who sat at third at 5), and Snape was known to give every student, mostly Gryffindor, detention at least once during his or her school year. But Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who-Lived, had a better reason to hate the Greasy Git. The bastard was a former Death Eater, and Lord Voldemort and the Death Eaters were responsible for the death of his parents James and Lily Potter.
Outside the loud and rowdy Gryffindor common room, a seventh-year Hermione Granger continued to study for her potions exam the following day. She could not understand why the boys refused to crack open their books and prepare for what could be the worst exam ever. Her ears perked up as she heard the hoots and hollers coming from the other side of the door. Moments later, Ron burst open the door and exclaimed, "I did it, 'Mione! I pinned the snake on the git!"
She closed the book and approached the young redheaded wizard, her eyes darting daggers at him. "That's nice, Ronald," she replied, pushing her friend back to the common room. "Now let me study in peace!" She slammed the door shut just to get her point across, but when Ron received a look from Harry, he gave a sheepish grin and said, "It's her time of the month, I guess. You know how girls can get moody!"
But in the darkest part of the wizarding school, life was not so carefree or quiet for a learning environment like a library. The Slytherins lived in that area, plotting ways to get even with Harry, who seemed to be the most talked-about student there ever was since the days of his father. Besides He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, Draco Malfoy was his biggest and constant threat, especially during a Quidditch match, and he was certain that he would defeat Harry once and for all.
And yet somewhere far away from the dungeons, near the scene of a crime he had committed years before, lurked the presence of the school's least favorite professor – Severus Snape. He sat along the open windowsill of his bedchamber, looking out at the lake that stood nearby. From where he sat, he could see Hagrid's new cabin lit up with smoke coming from the fireplace and the darkness inside the Malfoy Manor with the exception of the dim light coming from the living room. Perhaps Lucius is sitting at the fireplace contemplating about a new Death Eater plan, Severus thought. With Voldemort gone once again, there had been fewer threats from the radical wizarding group.
It was peaceful, perhaps too peaceful. His long greasy black hair that touched his shoulders hid his snarky appearance – a pair of black eyes, and a crooked yet hooked nose – and blended in with the darkness. His white shirt was left unbuttoned so he could feel the wind against his burning skin, and he only wore his black trousers from the waist down.
But in his hand, he tossed a silver object that gleamed in the moonlight. He stared at it for a while as he tried to forget the pain that was throbbing in his left arm since the day he became part of the Death Eaters. But he was not a Death Eater anymore, just a spy and an employee for the new headmistress Minerva McGonagall.
The memory of Albus Dumbledore's death remained in his mind. After all, he was the one who killed the magical headmaster. A part of him was filled with relief and joy, but another part of him was filled with anguish and sorrow. The old man did take him under his wing as a little boy like a father figure. And Severus had killed him in the end at his request, although several members from the Order did not believe the tale.
He tossed the object one more time because he caught it and pushed it open. He lowered it down to his gaze and smirked at the sight of a blade. Placing it against his Dark Mark, he thought of sad, cruel memories that flooded his memory as he slowly pushed the blade into his skin.
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything…
Severus groaned at the pain caused by the throbbing of his Dark Mark being cut open by a sharp knife. "Damn," he cursed. He saw a small path of blood trickling down his arm, covering the tattoo that he could not wash away, not even with the most powerful potion he could create.
He took the knife again and made another slash on his arm. And another. And finally another. He hated his life ever since he was brought into the world. His father was abusive toward his mother, a former student at Hogwarts, until he had beaten her to death in a drunken stupor and then took his own life by a bullet in the head. He spent his schooling years at Hogwarts studying in hopes for a better life.
But trouble had followed him from home no matter where he went. For seven years as a student, he was tormented by the Marauders – Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, and, the man he grew to hate, James Potter, the late father of Harry Potter. Just like the nerd in a Muggle class (but without the glasses, of course), he was an easy target because he was a bookworm and loved school.
Yet besides those years of torture came the years of sexual frustration. For as long as he could remember, he had a crush on his best friend Lily Evans, a wonderful redheaded Gryffindor. They almost had the same mind and the same passions. And she was the only person who ever cared for him, pitied him whenever James and his friends were picking on him, and saw him as a good person despite of his house.
She just did not feel the same love for him in the end, though, all because he called her a mudblood after experiencing what was the most embarrassing moment of his life. One day during their seventh year, weeks before they all had graduated, he had received a wedding invitation from Evans.
And Potter.
That last bit of hope disappeared, and he had quickly made up his mind. He called upon Lucius Malfoy, a fellow Slytherin, for help. Malfoy knew it was time to bring Severus Snape into a group that would never let him down and actually offer him something for his life – the Death Eaters. They were the group that was known for murdering wizards, witches, and their families, especially those of Muggle blood. Little did they know, Severus was already thinking about leaving as the year progressed.
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone one I know
Goes away in the end
You can have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make your hurt…
Then it happened. He was standing in the house of the Potters, watching in delight as Voldemort murdered James Potter. But that smirk vanished as the Dark Magic killed the young and beautiful Lily Potter. In her limped arms was a baby crying for his mother.
Voldemort was proud of his victory and was certain he had won, but there was something in that little baby that was so strong Dark Magic could not touch him. In fact, just when Voldemort was about to obliterate the infant Harry Potter, magical powers sent the Dark Lord into imprisonment for eleven years. And the Potions Master himself left the Death Eaters for the time being.
I wear my crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair…
That was the sad story of Severus Snape. And there he was, slicing his arm one more time. Had he not turn to Lucius that fateful night, he could have been happier. Albus Dumbledore could have been alive as well. But what about Potter? Would he still have been powerful then or weak and easily defeated?
Hours later, the bleeding stopped and the crimson blood dried on his left arm. I should wash this off before someone decides to question me about it, he thought as he slid off his windowsill and walked into the bathroom.
In his bed of green linens, Severus looked at the dark ceiling above him and sighed. His eyes were full of pain and grief and his arm was bandaged up for the night. But he did not feel the need to sleep without experiencing another nightmare.
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here…
For several years, he had been haunted by his memories of Lily Evans from their first encounter on their first ride of Hogwarts to her gruesome death. Was it because Harry was attending Hogwarts or was it something else such as reincarnation? Another Lily Evans living in that same building but as a student once more? "Why are you doing this to me, Lily?" Severus whispered before falling asleep. "Why are you torturing me so?" His last coherent thought was the possibility of Lily Evans in the body of an intelligent Gryffindor girl.
Suddenly, his black eyes shot open. "Hermione Granger?" he asked aloud.
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way…
Yes, Hermione Granger, the daughter of two Muggle dentists in London, was the only student he could think of. She was a Gryffindor, brilliant for her age, and the best friend of Lily's son, a connection with the Potter family, that is. Could it be possible, he thought.
One thing was for certain, though. He was somehow going to find out the history of one of his – dare he say – best students he had ever had in his classroom. After all, he was not sorted into Slytherin for nothing.
Please read and review! Thank you so much!
TheGoodWitchoftheNorth
