Title: Losing you

Author: Joyce

Rating: PG-13, some swearing, nothing really big.

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine. Blah,blah,blah... You get it.

Note: This idea has been in my head ever since I saw 'Gone.' I never saw a more ridicilous scene, and I really needed to share my thoughts about it, I guess. This is pretty dark, at least for me. But that episode just bugged me.

Spoilers: The episode Gone. After the scene between Xander, (invisible Buffy) and Spike in his crypt.

Losing you

Xander Harris walked out of the crypt Spike called his home shaking his head. He just couldn't believe what he just NOT saw. How stupid did they think he was? More importantly, how stupid did SHE think he was?

He knew the smell of sex, the sounds of sex and the movements of sex and he didn't need to see Buffy to know that she had been there. Under that thing, actually enjoying what yet another vampire was doing to her. If the thought of that wasn't aboslutely disgusting, the thought of the lack of respect she felt for him, her best friend, was actually devastating.

She had felt no shame, actually playing with Spike's earlobe in front of him. Did she really believe he would think earlobes could move out of their own free will. Spike was freaky, but not that freaky.

It had taken him al the willpower he possesed to play the part they expected him to play. The one of the dumb, silly, best friend. The Xander who was always last to catch on when things got complicated, the Xander who would make dumb jokes at any given moment, the Xander who Cordelia had once called the Zeppo.

It was an easy part for him to play and he had played it without giving it a second thought. Because, even in that awful moment when he realised that she was sleeping with Spike and right in front of him too, he also knew that she needed him to be the Xander she thought she knew.

And he actually did that for her too, gave her the fake Xander when all he wanted to do was grab her, even in invisible form, and yell at her. Or just talk to her, maybe hold her. Anything, to get the Buffy back they had all known and loved. But he couldn't get himself to do that, didn't have the energy for it. Why would he go through so much trouble for her?

Clearly she didn't think very highly of him, didn't have any respect for him otherwise she wouldn't have done what she did. He could get over the fact that she was sleeping with Spike, it was icky but eventually her choice. He had no say in that. He couldn't get over the fact that she treated him like garbage in that crypt. Played him like a fool. Made him feel like a buttmonkey all over again, he didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve to make him feel that way. Not at a time when he was finally comfortable with himself, actually liking himself and the life he had builed around himself. He had beaten the odds and had become somebody, and he had sworn to himself that nobody would ever make him feel less than that again. Not even Buffy...

She didn't know it yet, but she had just lost the trust and support of one of the most important people in her life and it would take time and a lot of hard work to get that back again.

A couple of weeks later.

Buffy was sitting in the Magic Box, staring at her best friend sitting across the table from her. Something was wrong with him, he was distant, even a little cold when confronted with her. At first she had thought it had been all in her head, but it wasn't.

The others had noticed it too. Willow had even asked him what was going on. He had told her to stay out of it, in very unlike Xander words. The redhead hadn't tried to talk to him about it since then, although he had apologised afterwards, and they had a long talk. She just knew that she couldn't push him, that he needed to sort this out by himself. So she repected his wish and Buffy had agreed to do the same.

But it was starting to bug her, to the the amount that she even talked to Spike about it after one of their little get togethers. Of course the vampire didn't care much about the issue, claiming that she was much better of without 'the boy's constant wining.'

So today she had gathered up her courage.

"Xander, we need to talk."

He didn't look up from the book he was reading.

"No, we don't."

She tried to look him in the eyes, to no avail. He refused to look up.

"Xander, please..."

Still no response, execpt for his hand turning the page. She tried a joke, to relieve some of the tention.

"Look, I really don't have a lot of time. I should get out there any minute now. You know, slaying the good old forces of evil."

His reaction was very different then she expected. He got up and slammed the book on the table. Finally looking at her, although she got scared by the look in his eyes. When he spoke his voice was casual, almost not caring.

"You don't slay the forces of evil, you fuck the forces of evil."

She went pale when she realised the implications of what he just said. He went on, sarcastic, a smile almost forming on his lips.

"Suprised that I know? That you sneak out to fuck Spike almost every night... Who knew that your Xander shaped friend could actually get what was going on, huh?"

She blinked.

"How?"

He laughed.

"How did I knew. Well believe it or not Buff,  I actually have a brain, although you seem to think that I don't. Remember when you got a slight case of invisibility. Remember when I went to Spike's crypt to try and find you? Remember?"

"You knew I was there?"

This time his laugh was real.

"You're suprised. You have the nerve to actually be suprised. Fuck Buff, you were invisible and I find Spike making sex moves on his bed... I actually heard you moan when he sped up his movements. I saw you nibble his fucking ear!!

Geeh, I have no clue how I could have guessed it... That room smelled of sex, of you, and you actually thought I wouldn't notice that. I am not braindead!"

She flinced when she heard him scream.

"I'm sorry you found out like that Xand, but you have no freaking right to judge me. This is my life."

He replied calmly.

"You're right, it is your life and if you want to sleep with Spike then that's your decision not mine. I'm not saying it is, in fact you can grow old with him, I really don't care. Your call."

She didn't get it.

"Then why are you so mad at me?"

"Because you treated me like a piece of shit in that crypt. You showed no respect for me, and betrayed my trust in you. You didn't treat me like a friend Buff. Not even as a human being,. And another thing, I am not mad at you. I am not anything with you. You showed me how you really felt about me in that crypt and from that moment I stopped caring."

Hearing him say that hurt her, but she still kept defending herself.

"If you really don't care, then why are you still here?"

He shook his head.

"God, you are so selfinvolved. I am not here because of you. What, did you think I would leave town and my life because I didn't have you anymore. The woman that I love is here. My best friend is here, and you know what, she needs me. We need eachother.

And last, but not least, your sister is here. Remember her? Dawn?

The girl you died for, the girl you are totally ignoring since you got back. That girl is still morning the loss of her mother, and you know what, she is also still morning the loss of her sister. Because what you are now is sure as hell not the sister she remembers. She is drowning, feeling very much alone, and I won't leave her. She doesn't need another important person in her life leaving her. That is why I stay, it has nothing to do with you."

Buffy was crying now, screaming.

"You have no right to tell me these things, you jerk. This is all your fault, you pulled me out of heaven!"

"Would you get over that? Poor Buffy, pulled out of heaven. We're sorry, ok? We've told you that like a thousand times. You were the one who made the desiscion to become like this. We never forced you to become this empty shell, to sleep with Spike. I get that this is hard for you, but you know what, you aren't the only one who is hurting. And you could have decided to make the best of it, to seize this extra time with your sister and watch her grow up. We pulled you out of heaven and we were responsible for the horrible way you had to claw yourself back into this life. You're right about that, but you know what? We are not responsible for the way you lead your life. Time to grow up Buffy, take some responsibiblity for a change."

She snorted.

"You are one to talk."

Again, he didn't burtst into anger.

"I am, my life is on the rails. I'm doing good now."

"Yeah well, you are not the slayer, you're not anybody in this fight I have to fight."

This time he did get angry.

"I may not have special powers, but I saved your skinny ass more times then I can count in this fight that isn't mine. Not to mention the fact that I had some other demons to fight. Abusive parents, drunken fights, rape. I've seen it all growing up, I felt it all growing up. Considering my background I came out more then ok. But you don't even see the problems other people have, cause nothing could be more terrible then your life. Well guess what, other people have to battle too, we don't sit around and sing happy songs all day."

For the first time in the conversation she was silent, taking in what he had said. Shocked to hear about the horrors of his life. The ones she never bothered to ask about. He didn't wait around for her to find her voice again and got up to leave. He was stopped by her voice.

"Can I ever repair our friendship?"

He looked at her, for the first time seeing a small piece of her old self.

"I don't know, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for it. This isn't about repair, this is about building from scratch. I would focuss on relationships that are worth a chance. Give Dawn the love she deserves, Willow the friend she wants. They both need you, I don't."

He left her, and she sat there for a long time. Thinking about the loss of a man she never fully appreciated until it was too late. Promising herself she wouldn't let it happen again with other loved ones in her life. Praying that maybe, someday, he would be her Xander again and she could be his Buffy again.