24 - The Lost Season: Chapter 1: Morning Routine
Not much to say. I wrote a 24 parody. Hooray.
The following takes place between 6:59 AM and 7:01 AM, man.
Jack Bauer, the awesome, was asleep. Tony usually had dreams that he went to school without his pants. Jack Bauer had dreams that he went to school without his bazooka. How embarrassing!
Anyway, this was Jack's absolute least favorite time of day…the last minute he sleeps. He would do all kinds of stuffs to try and make that minute longer. Fortunately, the minute is pretty long to us. Heck, it's a whole minute!
Jack Bauer lives a dangerous life. Most people would be afraid to go to sleep when they live such a dangerous life, but Jack Bauer isn't. Most awesome-types sleep with one eye open, just in case, in their sleep, they're attacked by a whole lotta ninjas. Well, Jack Bauer doesn't do that. Jack Bauer sleeps with two eyes open.
What's Jack Bauer's bed like? Well you know how there's Queen-sized and King-sized? Well, Jack's bed is Bauer-sized.
Have you been reading this for about a minute? Fine, I guess it's about time for him to wake up.
'Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!'
An alarm clock? No, it's a nuke. Every night, Jack Bauer sets a nuke to explode at 7:01 AM, that way he'll have to motivation to get up and disarm it quickly, instead of just sitting there, listening to the alarm's buzzing…like you do.
Jack Bauer had a bad 24 season yesterday, so he was pretty tired still. He hit the nuke's snooze button.
The following takes place between 7:11 AM and 7:21 AM.
'Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!'
"Ugh…" Jack said, "Better save L.A."
Jack got out of his bed and walked up to the nuke. There was about ten seconds left on the timer. All you need to do was to sever the second blue wire while simultaneously completing the circuit of the gray wire and red wire and disconnecting the power source and unscrewing the 1Az Screw.
Jack felt a little groggy, so he decided to do it the easy way. The keypad had the usual numbers, and then at the bottom was a red button. This is the Jack Bauer Button. Jack pressed the Jack Bauer Button, and the nuke was disarmed.
Jack Bauer changed from his jammies to a pair of jeans and a black shirt. Standard uniform for a super-soldier. Then he took a walk to the kitchen to get breakfast.
Kids, Jack Bauer is healthy and strong because he knows that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. So be smart! Eat breakfast!
Anyway, Jack Bauer took about five microwave chimichangas out of the freezer and tossed them all in the microwave for five minutes and thirty seconds.
After that, he left the house, shot about twenty terrorists, tortured his neighbor, and rescued a cat from a tree, all before the chimichangas were done.
Then he sat down with his chimichangas and a glass of chocolate milk and picked up the newspaper off of the table. No, he didn't get it off of the driveway. The paperboy knows to deliver it directly to Jack Bauer's table.
Anyway, the headlines were boring. The cover story for today was 'Los Angeles is Definitely not in Danger of Getting Blown up Today!'
Jack Bauer never read the headlines. Though he was quite capable of reading an entire page in ten seconds, he always skipped to the crosswords.
Why even read the clues? For each word, Jack just wrote 'Jack Bauer', and it was right.
So now what? Jack's entire morning is done (and the neighborhood is saved) in eight minutes. What's a superhero to do with the rest of his time?
Well, he goes into a commercial break, of course.
COMMERCIALNESS!
"ARE YOU FAT?" The announcer voice asked, "And are you tired of dieting, and too lazy to exercise? Well we're here to tell you that your fatness isn't your fault! Like road rage! Our top level high school freshman degree scientists have devised a magic pill that'll trim that fat away, leaving behind your true, not-fat self. So hide that scale of yours for an entire month to take our magic pills after every meal! Don't waste time! You've got nothing to lose except your fat and fourteen easy payments of only $19.95 plus tax and shipping and handling and tax! Plus, if you call within the next two minutes, you'll receive an absolutely free, virtually no-strings-attached SECOND BOX O' PILLS for your fat and ugly loved one! So call now! Your thinness is waiting!"
END OF COMMERCIALNESS!
The 24ness returns on screen to show Jack Bauer sitting at the table, playing paper football against himself. Both sides won, by the way.
Jack scratched his head. 'What to do?'
He got out of the chair that he had been sitting in and took a walk (which was shot from three different camera angles) to the living room. In the living room was the ultimate entertainment system, containing a high-def plasma uber screen TV, a Tivo system that could fast-forward live television, some Japanese thing, and every gaming console known to man. Jack Bauer popped 24 : The Game into his Playstation 2 and sat down on his couch.
The following takes place between 7:30 AM and 7:30 AM.
He beat the game.
The following takes place between 7:30 AM and 8:58 AM.
Anyway, Jack's through doing the boring part of his morning, so he decided to work out. You know, just a couple of push-ups, one-handed push-ups, no-handed push-ups.
The following takes place between 8:58 AM and 8:59 AM.
He was only warming up when suddenly—his cell phone began playing the sound of an explosion. That, of course, meant that he had gotten a text-message.
Jack picked up his phone and read the screen.
"oMIGOSH JACK BOWR U NEED 2COM SAVE T3H WORLD!!!1"
Jack suddenly grew a dark and determined glare. He was now ready for action. He ran to the bathroom and shaved off the giant beard that he had accumulated in the time between 24 Seasons, which indicated that he was back in business.
(A/n: What did you think? Good? Bad? Hated it? Gonna e-mail it to all your friends? I'd like to know, man. Review it! And please—tell me whether or not you'd like me to continue.)
