Hello, everyone!
ElisiansBane here with an experiment in monologues! Whoo! For those of you who don't know, a monologue is an extended speech recited by a character in a play. The point of the monologue is to get a view inside the character's thoughts and feelings. A monologue is not a poem however, though they can be. This is really an experiment on my part because I have never written one but have always wanted to try, it's a good way to practice writing actual dialogue for a story and it helps to understand the inner thoughts of the characters in a story and keep it in perspective. Because, aren't characters in a story the reflection of the creator's interpretation of the world and humanity as he or she sees it?
Well, enough of my philosophical babble. I do hope you find this enjoyable, I'm aware that it's not perfect and I will make it better I promise. I just want some reader feedback so I'll know what do to different next time.
This monologue was inspired by the song 'I Caught Myself' by Paramore. I think it's a great song and I think it really fits into Yuuri and Wolfram's relationship from both of their perspectives. Check it out.
Disclaimer; honestly, do you really think I own it? The answer is no…
* * * * * * * * * * IT * * * * * * * * * *
Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!
Stop looking at me like that
Stop talking to me like that
Stop acting like that
Stop…loving me
You make it so hard sometimes, so hard
So hard not to feel, so hard not to …. Ugh!
I had it all figured out, you know,
It was easy to dislike you,
You're rude, bad tempered, spoiled
Callous, selfish, bratty, immature
I had every right to break up that damned engagement
It was an accident; everyone knew that and no one thought anything less of me.
They may have even felt pity for me
But not anymore
You made it easy to dislike you,
And your stupid fans helped as well
Your beauty made it easy to
Write you off as one of those dumb
Obnoxious pretty boys
Whose only notable attribute was their looks
Accuse me of cheating? Sure!
I could call you a jerk
Call me names, embarrass me in public?
Go ahead, I wanted to hate you.
It's easier to hate, easier to fight.
Way easier than…this!
Sometimes I would do things to piss you off
Just so I could remind myself how wrong we were for each other
That this was wrong
But then, things changed,
You changed
And it got that much harder
So much harder
You would do things
You would say things
That would make me feel things
Things that were wrong,
That were unnatural.
Disgusting. Repulsive. Taboo.
Enticing.
And you kept doing it!
Kept saying it!
Everyday, every hour, non stop!
I had it all ready, you know.
The document that would end it, end us
I kept it in a drawer in my desk
And after every time we fought or you accused me of something,
I would run to my desk, pull out my favorite pen and touch the paper with the tip,
Ready to sign you the hell out of my life!
But then, I never did, my name never made it on to that paper,
Want to know why?
Because the second that pen touched the parchment
My mind would flood with all the memories
Of all our adventures and the times we shared
The laughs, the anger, the sorrow
Each one more precious and dear to me than the last
I would remember how you would challenge me to be better
To work harder
To not let excuses keep me from doing what needed to be done
To quit whining and deal with my problems instead of complain.
To be a good king
I would remember how you were always there
Protecting me, supporting me
You believed in me when no one else would
Not even my supposed best friend
Not even my own brother
But you did, without question.
Now why did you have to do that?
It gets even worse,
My mind flooded with the images of when Ulrike lost control of her inner child
And she terrorized the capital
You got hit with one of her weird beams
And you fell
I remember being so scared that you were hurt
I rant to your side, yelling your name
Then you lifted your head
And looked at me with your big green eyes
Then you friggin' glomped me
Glomped me!
And then….and then…
You said 'Yuuri, I love you!'
That was the first time you said that
It was the first of many to come
Now why'd you have to say that!
Didn't you know that when you do and say things like that
It's near impossible to stay mad?
You make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside
When you say and do those things
I lose my concentration and I can't remember that these kinds of relationships are wrong.
That I dislike you
That I don't…..Ugh!
You tried to tear down every prejudice, conception and opinion
That I had carefully put in place just to keep you out
And you moved right on in like you owned the place.
As usual
And now look at me! I'm a mess and it's your fault!
You've got me in a fix where I miss you when you're gone.
I look for you when you're not at my side
I worry about you
I dream about you
I hear your voice in my head
I see you on and in everything around me
I taste you in the air
I smell you on my clothes
I feel you on my skin
I can't even sleep without you!
Sigh…
It looks like I'm fighting an uphill battle with you
And I'm losing miserably
You have integrated into every facet of my existence
Where cutting you out of my life
Would be like cutting off my own arm
And that thought makes me sick
Sick because it's the truth
I can't imagine going one day
Without seeing you, hearing you
Touching you
And every day is a battle
Because I am fighting this with everything I got
I refuse to give in
But every day, I'm closer to surrender
Know why?
Because you pull these dirty tricks
Like when you give me that rare smile of yours
The one where you lift the corners of your mouth
Till they reach your eyes and make them shine
I've only seen it once or twice
But every time it ruins my resolve
And my heart betrays me with a skipped beat
And I am filled with this urge to do everything I can
To make you smile like that again
Or the worst trick of all
When you left me a letter
Dissolving our engagement and you went back to your family's lands
Never to be seen again
I should have been happy and relieved
That I would never have to deal with the selfish poo again
But I wasn't and I couldn't figure out why
Couldn't understand why instead of joy
I felt betrayed and empty
And heartbroken
It was in that moment that I realized
That I had been fighting a battle that had already been lost
That it was pointless to keep resisting
And I knew then too
The minute you stepped into my life
I had been wrong
And I had hurt you
And you knew
You knew that I had lost the battle for my heart
You were victorious
But I had denied you your right time and time again
And it hurt you very much
And I was to blame
And then I thought 'maybe I should let you go'
After all, it was your choice to leave
I couldn't stop you from making it
You stayed with me
Without complaint
But without reward
It would be the right thing to do
I could let you go and we could both start a new
Apart
And then we would both be free to find people we want to be with
I could have my wife and kids
You could have….whatever it is you wanted
It would be the right thing to do
It would be the fair thing to do
But don't you realize Wolfram?
I can't let you go
I don't think I could even if my life depended on it
Now I have to come after you
And make you come back
You manipulative, heart-string plucking, irresistible pretty boy!
I hope you're happy….
* * * * * * * * * * IT * * * * * * * * * *
Well, there it is. I'd like to explain a bit of what I was going for in this monologue. Ahem….
This monologue is to show Yuuri's inner turmoil over his developing feelings for Wolfram. Yuuri is not in denial necessarily but he is trying to stop himself from falling in love with Wolfram, but the more he tries the more difficult it becomes, especially because Wolfram's honesty with his feelings make it harder for Yuuri to lie about his own. It's supposed to show how admitting you love someone is a lot like admitting defeat in a battle because you are surrendering yourself to someone and in a way you are at their mercy because they now have power over you. Thus the paragraph at the end.
I hope that explains it. Please review, I really want to know what you all think even if it's negative, constructive criticism only though.
Have a good one! -EB
