This story will be much easier to follow (and funnier) if you've ever seen the show, Wipeout. If you haven't, read it anyway and review letting me know how you liked it and if it still communicated well without prior knowledge of the show!
Enjoy!
"Hello and welcome to Wimpout! I am your host Ron Schmanderson here with my co-host Ron Schmenson," the smartly dressed moogle in glasses said into the mike while indicating the scruffy-looking moogle beside him in the announcer's box.
The scruffy moogle said, "Today we're having a very special episode of Wimpout because today we are joined by the members of Organization XIII!"
"Yes, the members will be competing in teams of two for fifty thousand munny in our three rounds of Wimpout. The teams that get the best time in each round will move on and eventually get to compete head to head in the Wimpout Zone for the cash!"
"But first, the Qualifier!"
"Yes, Ron. The Qualifier has a set of three different obstacles for the members to run through. First, they have to race from the starting platform to the Face-Punching Wall..." The wall the two moogles indicated was poised over a narrow ledge overlooking a mud pit. The wall was dotted with holes behind which boxing gloves punched out sporadically.
"Ouch," moogle Schmenson commented.
"Then they have to climb up those stairs and attempt to run across the Sizeable Spheres…" Here they indicated a row of four blue balls held up by poles over a pool of water. There was a platform with stairs leading up to it on one end, and a platform leading to next obstacle on the other.
"Those spheres mean business, Ronny!"
"And finally, the members have to pass through the Slippedy Swing and land on that platform to stop the clock." The platform that ran from the end of the last obstacle led to this one where the contestants would have to jump from the end of the platform to a large platform covered in soap and swinging over another pool of water. Then they would have to land on another platform (indicating the finishing point) on the other side.
"If they wimp out, they will have to swim to the other finishing platform to stop the clock." Here they indicated a red X by the pool's edge. "Remember, Ronny, it takes both of the members in a team to stop the clock. Just one at the finish platform won't cut it."
"That's right. Now, our co-host Lil Schmagner is down with the organization members now. Lil?"
A new moogle, wearing a sweater and a brown wig, floated beside Xigbar and Xaldin out on the field. She spoke into a mike, "Thanks, Rons. Alright, today I'm here with two of the senior members of Organization XIII. Tell us about yourselves." She held out the mike.
"Well," Xigbar began, "I'm Xigbar, number two of the organization."
"Uh-huh, and you are?" Lil held the mike out to Xaldin.
"Xaldin."
"Awesome! Now, tell us why did you two choose to enter this competition today? And what is your relationship to each other?"
"Well, we didn't exactly choose to come here. This was sort of a training mission assigned to us by Saïx. Oh, and we're just coworkers. The teams were assigned," Xigbar explained.
"Okay! And who is Saïx? Is he your boss?"
Xigbar answered yes at the same time Xaldin answered no.
"Awesome! Now go hit the Qualifier!"
Xigbar and Xaldin raced through the Qualifier, pushing and elbowing each other as they tried to both go first. Xaldin won the elbow fight, but that only made him the first to wimp out at the Face-Punching Wall when he was caught off guard by a punch to his stomach. He managed to stay on the ledge, though his balance was thrown and he was doubled over in pain, but the next punch he received to his face threw him off the edge and into the mud pit.
"Oh!" Both Rons laughed at the footage from the announcer's box.
"That looked like it hurt, Ronny," Schmenson joked.
"And The Whirlwind Lancer is down!"
Xigbar was up next. He received a blow to the groin before toppling off the wall and landing on Xaldin.
"Ooh! Let's see that again, Ronny!"
The moogles replayed the footage while laughing. They then skipped ahead to show a brief clip of Xigbar wimping out on the Sizeable Spheres and Xaldin slipping off the Slippedy Swing. That was when Xigbar cheated and teleported to the finish platform, disqualifying them both. Xaldin pushed Xigbar into the pool and stalked off.
"Alright then! Next team! Lil?"
"Yes, I'm here with Lexaeus and Vexen. Tell me, what will you do with the munny if you win?" The moogle held out the mike to Lexaeus, but Vexen redirected it by pulling it towards himself.
He explained, "Lexaeus doesn't like to talk very much. However, I do."
"Excellent! So what would you do with the fifty thousand munny?"
"I would buy more lab equipment for my experiments! You see, there's this particular member of the organization I've been trying to kill off for a while now-"
"Terrific! Now let's see you guys run the Qualifier!"
Vexen went first, yelping in terror before he even got to the Face-Punching Wall. When he did make it to the wall, he waded through the mud pit to the other side of the obstacle, deciding against risking any injury. Lexaeus went next and simply punched all the boxing gloves back before they could hit him. He reached the other side spotless and calmly walked after the scrambling Vexen.
"Wow, Ronny! Look at him go!"
"Amazing, Ron!"
"I think I'm in love!"
"Now's not the time or place, Ron."
"Of course…"
They had reached the next obstacle. There was a clip of Vexen trying to ice the water so he wouldn't have to swim if he fell off the Sizeable Spheres, but then when he jumped onto the first ball and bounced off it backwards he ended up landing face first on the ice.
"Oh!" Both Rons laughed.
"Ouch!"
Next Lexaeus was up. He merely glanced at the new obstacle then took five powerful strides to cross the spheres and safely reach the other side.
"I've never seen anything like it!"
"Me either, Ronny!"
The last clip of the pair was of Vexen running and sliding onto the Slippedy Swing before falling onto his back and skidding off. Lexaeus was able to jump onto the podium and steady himself by his grip on the bars that held the swing up. He was quickly off of the podium and onto the finish platform before Vexen even had the chance to reach his own.
"Would you look at that time, Ronny? That's amazing!"
"I know, Ron! It took the two of them only four minutes and thirty-eight seconds to complete the course! That's good even for a single person!"
"Looks like they'll be moving on to the next round!"
"Ah, not so fast, Ron. We still have four more pairs waiting to go."
"Oh, that's right."
"Lil is currently with our next contestants. Lil?"
"Alright guys, I'm here with Zexion and Axel. Tell me, what would you two do with the munny if you won?"
Zexion answered first, "I would probably let Axel have it. I do not have the same need for the munny as he as I manage my own, sufficiently successful blog. You can take an excursion to my page if you would like. The URL is ww-"
"Terrific! So what do you want to do with the munny?" Moogle Lil held out the mike to Axel.
Axel shrugged. He was leaning against the backdrop with his arms crossed over his chest. "I don't know. Maybe bribe Saïx into giving me a vacation?"
"Sounds awesome! Alright, got on out there and run that Qualifier!"
Axel was the first one to the Face-Punching Wall when the horn sounded. He immediately stepped onto the ledge and tried to skirt his way across to the other side with his back to the wall.
"Ah, look at that strategy there, Ron!"
"I guess now it's the Butt-Punching Wall isn't it, Ronny?"
"Don't make jokes anymore…"
Axel was doing fine up until the moment when a boxing glove got him in the small of his back. He tipped forward, but managed to catch himself by grabbing onto the glove which immediately began trying to shake him off. Axel was stuck jerking back and forth until he finally let go and fell face-first into the mud pit.
"Oh!"
"There goes that method."
Zexion was next. He stood and stared at the boxing gloves for a while, letting the timer tick away…
"What is he doing, Ronny? Doesn't he know he's being timed?"
"I don't know, but his partner sure does."
"What are you doing?! Hurry up," A very muddy Axel shouted from where he waited at the next obstacle.
Zexion took a moment more, their time already at two minutes and fifteen seconds, before he went for it. He jumped onto the ledge and did a series of hurried shimmies and stops until he was wacked into the mud pit by a blow to the head.
Both Rons laughed.
"I think he was trying to discover a pattern in the glove's movements."
"It's a good thing this show is pattern-free! Those obstacles are completely randomized!"
The scene then skipped to footage of Zexion almost making it across the Sizeable Spheres before slipping and flipping forward of the fourth ball.
"Oh! Replay!"
After several replays, there was a clip of Axel actually managing to stay on the Slippedy Swing, but when it came time for him to jump he ended up falling short by only a few inches.
"Aw!"
"Back to the water for you!"
The team ended with a combined time of nine minutes and two seconds. Zexion looked even droopier than normal.
"Not a very good time, Ronny."
"No indeed. They're going to have to get real lucky if they want to move on to the next round."
"Speaking of luck, Lil's down there with our next team. Lil?"
Lil was already speaking with Demyx and Luxord when the attention was shifted to her. "So let me get this straight," Lil said, "You're both gamblers?"
"No, he's the gambler. I rock." Demyx whipped his sitar out from nowhere and began playing Hikaru Utada's Simple and Clean.
Lil immediately pulled the mike back from Demyx and directed it at Luxord. "Alrighty! So I take it that if you won today you would use the munny to gamble?"
Luxord answered, "What is life if not a gamble? It is all one great game, and no purchase could I make that would be anything but a gamble. Do you not agree?"
"Terrific!"
"You didn't answer my question."
The air horn sounded and Demyx dashed enthusiastically out onto the field. He jumped onto the ledge of the Face-Punching Wall and was immediately punched off and into the mud pit. He was up quickly though and continued running forward as Luxord attempted the wall next.
"Look at the energy that one has, Ronny!"
Luxord was up next and he actually barely managed to make it past the Face-Punching Wall without being knocked into the mud by jumping as far as he could right as he was about to be pushed in. He ran to catch up with Demyx who had been jumping excitedly up and down while waiting for Luxord to hurry up.
Demyx ran at the Sizeable Spheres. He bounced off of the first one and was propelled forward onto the third where he clung for dear life as he began to slip off. "Dance water dance!" Demyx screamed as he plummeted into the water. By the time Luxord had wimped out as well and reached the third obstacle, Demyx was starting to look a little sluggish.
"Is it just me, Ronny, or does The Melodious Nocturne look a little out of it?"
"Oh he's out of it alright. Let's see how he gets through this next obstacle."
Luxord caught up to Demyx who was sitting at the edge of the platform in front of the Slippedy Swing. Luxord nudged him with his boot to keep going. "Go," Luxord commanded.
Demyx looked up. His hair was a mess and he was slumped forward tiredly. "I don't wanna!" Demyx continued to whine in his laziness until Luxord rolled his eyes and pushed him off the platform into the water.
"Ooh!"
"Harsh, Ronny!"
Together they finished with a time of zero minutes and four seconds.
"Wait, how is this possible Ronny?"
"I believe we have been hacked."
"Oh, I did not realize it was against the rules to reverse time to get a better score," Luxord stated.
"Disqualified!"
"He's outta here!"
"With those two out of the game, that leaves us with only two teams left."
"Oh I can't wait to see this next group! Lil?"
"Hello, ladies! It's a little refreshing to see a couple of girls in this game after all those guys. I was starting to wonder if this organization was a no-girls-allowed sort of thing."
"Excuse me?! I happen to be a man," Marluxia said, extremely offended. (+1)
"Oh! I'm so sorry I didn't realize. I think it was maybe you're hair…?"
Marluxia threw his nose dramatically into the air like a stuck-up cartoon character from the nineties and gave a slight, "Humph!"
"… Alright then. Why don't we watch you hit the course…?"
Larxene was the first to attack the Face-Punching Wall. For every hit she received, there was another kunai added to a boxing glove. It was a lot of hits. When she eventually could not keep her grip anymore and landed in the mud pit, she screamed in outrage.
"Yikes!"
"I would hate to be on her bad side, Ron."
"I feel like I already am!"
When Marluxia attempted the same obstacle he was immediately hit in the face. He let go of the wall to cover his nose and shout, "My beautiful face!" This landed him in the mud pit which drew his attention from his looks to his attire. "Oh! My cloak!" Marluxia flapped about helplessly in the mud, trying to get out while staying as clean as possible, but only managing to make things worse. (+2)
"Hurry up!" Larxene was furious and waiting impatiently at the next obstacle.
"Oh…" Marluxia shut his eyes and waded through the mud to the other side where he eventually met up with Larxene. "My cloak…"
"You've got like, a thousand more at home. Stop being such a diva!" (+1)
Larxene raced through the next obstacle the same way she did the first: in complete and total rage. She attacked the Sizeable Spheres with her nails since she seemed to be out of kunai. Fortunately, her nails weren't sharp enough to pierce the spheres, but they were sharp enough to hang on with. Larxene got across the spheres to the other side and yelled at Marluxia to follow.
He did. He jumped onto the first sphere and leaped for the second, but overshot it and bounced backwards of the third and into the second then back to the third then into the water. (+4)
"Ron, what are all these strange numbers that keep flashing onto the screen?"
"Oh, we've been asked to keep track of how many times The Graceful Assassin fails on this show."
"Ah. What for?"
"Our sponsor requested it. Actually, let's hear a quick word from our sponsors!"
"Ugh, I hate commercials…"
"Still on camera, Ronny!"
Buy Juicy Pear Shampoo… it's Magically Delicious!
Oh, and read the Daily Life of Organization XIII. That is also Magically Delicious.
Mmm… Magical
"…That was the strangest commercial I've ever seen."
"Indeed, Ronny. Indeed."
Larxene ran and jumped for the final obstacle, whipping out one more kunai.
"Whoa, Ronny! She had one more!"
"I certainly didn't see that coming!"
Larxene fell short of the Slippedy Slide, but managed to pull herself up onto it by stabbing into the platform and using the kunai to support herself. As soon as she stood on the platform; however, she slipped and fell right off into the water. She howled angrily and began cursing the show and hosts.
"Hey! That is uncalled for!"
"It's okay, Ron. It's okay."
"But she insulted my mamma!"
"Shh. there, there."
Marluxia went next. He jumped out and landed on his belly in the midst of all the soap on the Slippedy Slide. The slide tilted before he could get to his feet and he plummeted into the water with a loud, girlish scream. (+1)
The team finished with a time of six minutes no seconds. Larxene punched Marluxia as soon as he joined her on the finish platform, squeezing a final (+1) out of him before stomping off to kill someone.
"She scares me, Ronny."
"Yes, she does. Up next is our final team. Tell us about them Lil!"
"So you two are the youngest members of the organization?"
Lil held the mike out to Xion who nodded and said, "I'm Xion."
"I'm Roxas," Roxas said when the mike was moved over to him.
"And I'm Axel!"
Xion pushed Axel out of the shot, whispering harshly, "And this is not The Daily Life of Organization XIII! Get out of here!"
Lil smiled and said into the mike, "Faaantastic!"
Roxas took to the obstacle first and ran through across the narrow ledge as fast as he could without stopping. He avoided every hit by doing so and when he got too wobbly and was about to fall into the mud pit, he leaped off and made it past the obstacle, grinning.
Xion went next and tried to follow Roxas's example, but was hit in the side and fell into the pit. Roxas leaned down and pulled her out faster than she could wade through the mud and together they moved on to the next obstacle.
"Hey… look at that teamwork, Ronnie!"
"Why did the spelling in my name change?"
Roxas jumped onto the Sizeable Spheres when they reached them, but landed weird and ended up sitting down on the first ball before slipping off and landing in the water. Xion didn't even attempt the challenge and dove in after Roxas. They both got to the Slippidy Slide at the same time.
"Aw! Aren't they adorable?"
"You know what's adorable? That time! They're doing great!"
Roxas jumped onto the Sippedy Slide and purposefully slid to the end of the platform where he pushed off towards the finishing platform. He missed, but was able to grab on to the bottom of the platform and pull himself up pretty quickly. Once he made it, Xion jumped onto the Slippedy Slide and jumped for the finishing platform like Roxas had, but when she missed as well Roxas grabbed her by her wrists and pulled her up beside him.
"Are they allowed to do that?"
"I don't see why not."
Together they received a time of four minutes and forty-three seconds.
"Hey, that's almost as good as that other team's time!"
"It's amazing what you can accomplish with teamwork."
"Alright, Ronny, who's moving on?"
"Well, thanks to our two disqualifications, we have all four remaining teams moving on!"
"A little convenient, don't you think?"
"Who cares? That means Lexaeus: The Silent Hero, Vexen: The Chilly Academic, Zexion: The Cloaked Schemer, Axel: The Flurry of Dancing Flames, Marluxia: The Graceful Assassin, Larxene: The Savage Nymph, Roxas: The Key of Destiny and Xion: the…uh…the… Xion: Number Fourteen, are all moving on!"
"Awesome! Tune in next week to find out who will move on and get to chance to compete in The Wimpout Zone!
I hope you enjoyed chapter one of this ridiculous fanfiction! If you liked it, check out my other story about the organization members, The Daily Life of Organization XIII. Also, be sure to leave a review!
