When a dark shadow passed over the Mushroom Kingdom, the toads knew what was coming. King Koopa Bowser had hatched yet another scheme and was headed directly for the princess's pink castle. His clown car fluttered over the cobbled stone streets, his evil laughter filling the residents with fear. Shaking, the toads fled inside their homes and locked their doors, for Bowser was not alone. Kamek flew alongside on his broom, his sceptre itching to zap anyone too slow to get to safety.
Princess Peach already knew, she could see his wooden airship anchored just outside of town, so she stood prepared on the balcony of the highest tower. Her steward, Toadsworth, bravely stood by her side though he clung to her leg. His brow was furrowed with determination, even as the clown car landed in front of them. Peach's expression was one of defiance, making Bowser laugh only more sinisterly.
"You should know this won't work, Bowser; I have already called for Mario. Save us both a lot of trouble and go home now."
Bowser rubbed his large muzzle with his left hand, strangely keeping his right one concealed. "Mario? Hmm, I do seem to recall someone by that name. Just as a reminder, is this the guy?" Slowly he lifted his right hand up. Peach let out a gasp and took a step back. Dangling from Bowser's clawed hand was Mario, his eyes distant, his body listless. "Mwahaha! That look on your face is priceless, princess. So much for your hero."
The princess fell to her knees, and Bowser dropped Mario down before her. "What… what did you do to him?" she pleaded. Mario still breathed, but he remained unresponsive, despite Peach's insistent shaking.
Bowser took a step forward, a smug smile curling his lips. "The same thing I'm going to do to you as well, and the entire world too. There is nothing anyone can do to stop me." He lifted her chin up with one yellow finger. Toadsworth rapped his hand with his cane.
"Unhand the princess, you fiend."
Peach wiped her eyes with her laced arm. "You will never get away with this. If Mario can't save us, then Luigi will," she shouted. Bowser snapped his fingers, and Luigi flew out of the car. Unlike Mario, he was shivering, but was just as unresponsive. Peach's spirit broke for the second time. She reached out a hand for the second brother, but he was too far away. "Y-Yoshi?"
Bowser Jr hopped out with an egg in hand. Dancing from foot to foot, he delivered the object to his father. Bowser held it up between two of his claws. "This little one refuses to even come out anymore. And, let me just save you the trouble of getting your hopes up."
Kamek cackled and swung his sceptre. Several colourful shapes shook loose from the orb at the end. They gathered and became a cage, landing with a loud thud. Peach clasped her hands over her mouth.
"I took the liberty of rounding up every single hero I could think of. Took me a long time too, princess, so you'd better appreciate my effort." Bowser laughed again and leant an arm on top of the cage. Contained within were several armoured toads, one wearing explorer's gear, along with Wario, Daisy, and Rosalina. Bowser clapped the bars of the cage, wearing a satisfied smirk. "Yup, every single hero in this stinking franchise. And now, your kingdom is finally mine."
Peach lowered her hands and slowly looked up into the face of her conqueror. "How… how did you do this?" she asked weakly. Instead of complying, Bowser procured a rod from within his shell. A star was mounted at the tip, black as the darkest night, with a pair of angry eyes. Toadsworth gasped, his hands shaking.
"No… even you, Mr Koopa, I refuse to believe would do something like this," he said, sounding older, tired. Bowser laughed at him.
"You know what this is, but I don't think the princess does. Shall we give her a demonstration?" Bowser lifted the rod, but Toadsworth shrank back. Bowser Jr came up from behind and held him in place. Toadsworth struggled frantically, but to no avail. Bowser placed the tip of the rod on Toadsworth's bulbous head. Bowser Jr released him, and the old toad sagged to his knees. "By using the power of this Negative Star, I can cast a spell of misery on anyone this rod touches. Right now, your little steward is having the worst nightmare you could imagine." Bowser pulled back and roared with laughter, while Jr danced across the balcony.
"S-someone…" Peach said, her eyes glistening as she looked up into sky. "Someone help!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.
"Be quiet, my lovely Peach." Bowser touched the rod to her forehead. She fell quiet instantly, sobbing and crumbling into a foetal position. Bowser sighed deeply as he looked around. "Well, the day hasn't been won completely. Kamek, is the machine ready?" he asked into the air. The blue-robed wizard hovered down in front of him.
"Of course, your nastiness, the Misery Amplifier has been finished for a while." Kamek swung his sceptre around over his head. The cage disappeared and was replaced with a deep-blue box full of levers and buttons and antennas. "Just insert the rod and the whole land will become enshrouded in a wonderfully foul nightmare, ehehe."
"Yeah, yeah, less gabbing." Bowser twirled the rod in his hand. It just fit into a slot on the front of the machine. A cruel smile made his deadly teeth show. "So long, Mushroom Kingdom. Hail, Bowser-topia!" He twisted the rod and the machine lit up. Dials spun out of control. Warning signals howled. Antennas sparkled and crackled. The otherwise fine day clouded over with seething blackness. A flash of lightning illuminated Bowser's triumphant visage.
The Star Realm was a place always coated in moonlight. Newborn stars budded up from the cloudy fields like vegetables. Tending to them was the fittest of the matured stars, the one shining the brightest. Already an old star, only the first wrinkles told of his age. No one would guess otherwise, seeing him wander through the eternal expanse of the birth field every day, tending to the young stars and listening to the wishes they had been born from. With a satisfied smile, he crouched down and put his face close to one. "I want to be a famous author someday."
The old star chuckled and got up again. It was his job to oversee the growth of the stars and making sure to harvest them once they had reached maturity. His brow furrowed, however, as something caught the vertical lines he called eyes.
It looked to be a black spot nestling in the cloud cover. To even have noticed it told of this star's long experience. He picked it up. It was slimy and bubbling, and his yellow skin wrinkled at the stench oozing out of it. One of the bubbles burst, and a toad whispered in his ears. "Nothing I do is ever good enough. What's the point of it all?" The old star froze on the spot. The black sludge hardened and crumbled over his arm appendage. Another pop made him jerk around. "She doesn't like me. But who can blame her. Nobody likes me."
The slime bubbled up from below the cloud cover, tainting the white tufts with their dark vileness. The old star backed away and bumped into one of the budding stars. It too crumbled, and black slime sprang up from the vacancy. "No, no, no, no!" the old star exclaimed and sprang up into the air. The birth field was entirely contaminated, the swarthy ichor bleeding through and decaying the healthy stars. "What is going on down there?"
The old star rocketed through the sky, and soon crystal houses appeared below. Matured stars lay as stones on the streets and hung out of their windows. He clenched his eyes shut to the horror, feeling himself grow heavier. He chanced a peek and saw his legs were calcifying. He landed, stumbling, at the largest crystal in the star town. He tried walking, but the petrification was too far up his appendages. He hovered, instead, across the floor.
There was but a single room in the entire large crystal. Gathered were the greatest of stars, some much older than him with beards rolling across the floor, and some younger with moustaches or clinging to books. But they too were stone. The old star hobbled between them, checking under tables and behind couches, until he noticed the faint light at the back.
Perched up against the wall was by far the oldest of the lot yet. His eyebrows were so bushy that he could barely see out of his eyes. The old star approached slowly. The light came from the elder's hand which was still yellow star flesh.
The elder lifted an eyebrow and sighed deeply. "Starmac, I should have known this curse would hit you slowest, you who walks among the new-born and gathers their hope and wishes." The elder coughed. The petrification moved another inch up his arm, causing him to wince. Starmac bent down as low his stone legs would allow him.
"Eldest star, what's going on? What's happening to the Star Realm?"
"I don't have any time left, so listen, Starmac. Go to the world below. Find someone, anyone, that hasn't lost hope yet. Help him or her, or both worlds will be… will be…" The light faded from the elder's hand. The calcification was complete. Starmac hung his head.
"But I've never been to the world below, eldest. You can't ask this of me!" Starmac shouted and grabbed the elder's cold body. It slipped from his grasp as Starmac's hands turned to stone too. He held them up before his face, mouth opening but finding nothing to say. Starmac turned around. There was no life left in the entire town. "Right. I understand."
Starmac stepped out and sprang into the sky. He could no longer hold himself high and instead hovered along the ground, back to the star field. It was completely dark. He took a deep breath and plunged into the black ooze.
It lasted only moments, but the despairing thoughts clutched at him physically, hoping to drag him in and swallow him. He let his petrification work for him and plummeted like a rock through the viscous layer, shutting his mind to the despairing chants. Finally found himself on the other side.
He let out a long whimper. The hopelessness was like a dense miasma, choking the lands. As far as he could see, and he could see everything, there was darkness and gloom. His task seemed insurmountable. He allowed himself to drift like a leaf. He closed his eyes and listened, but the voices only further sapped his resolve. His body too was stone.
Starmac circled around Peach's castle, drifting over swamps and forests and deserts as the stone reached him across the lower part of his body. He flew over lakes and seas and beaches, the stone by his throat. He was so tired. His descent became less controlled. He had reached the furthest part of the kingdom, and his search had turned up nothing. At last he sank towards the nearest town.
"I'm sorry, eldest. I tried, I really did, but I'm just a simple caretaker. There was never any hope to this foolish endeavour." The ground rushed closer. There was something like a farm with just henhouses. Now he could see the fence bordering off the town. Stacks of hay everywhere. A puddle of mud. Must have rained earlier. Starmac smiled despite it all. "And so it ends. Goodbye."
Just as he saw the globular chicken creatures plodding around, he also heard a nasally voice, and laughter too. Starmac snapped back to reality and averted his collision with the ground in the very last second. Mud sprayed everywhere, and the creatures fluttered away from him. The stone was crawling up past his eyes. Only the spikiest part of his head left, but he could still hear the voice. Where was it coming from?
"Waaaaah! Waaahahaha!" The chicken beasts flapped their wings the hardest they could as a scraggly, purple-clad man burst into their midst. He held his stomach as he laughed harder. Starmac could stand no longer. The petrification was near completion.
"You… you who are not taken by despair or misery, I beg of you, wish upon me."
The man turned around and saw the star. He picked it up from its legs and dangled it upside-down.
"What's this?"
A pained grimace flashed over Starmac's face. "Wish upon me," he said with a strained voice. "It can be anything, doesn't matter what, just put your hope in me."
The man rubbed his pointy chin with a glove displaying a yellow Γ. "Anything, eh? Then you make Waluigi famous!" He laughed again, cruelly and mocking, but Starmac forced his stone mouth to smile.
He flashed brightly so suddenly that Waluigi released him, but Starmac remained floating in the air. "Certainly." The stone cracked, like shedding skin, and the star emerged intact. Waluigi held up his arm to shield his eyes from the radiance. "Your wish has been heard, uh… Waluigi, was it? I shall make it my mission to realise it and not disappoint you."
Waluigi lowered his arm again and directed his perpetual scowl at Starmac. "Eh? You told me you would Waluigi famous now! Pah." Waluigi trudged away from Starmac and picked up a basket half-filled with eggs.
"But I really can make you famous, it's just going to take a bit of work on your side. That's how these wishes work," Starmac said and hovered after him. Waluigi waved his hand at the star as if to swat a fly. "Will you just listen for a moment? Your world has been cast under a spell which is also affecting mine. You formed a contract with me, now you got to get to work."
"Why should I? Not like the world has ever done anything nice for Waluigi. Or yours. I wished upon stars once. Phooey!"
The chicken beasts chanced closer. They resembled nothing so much as feathery balls with beaks and combs, bouncing on what appeared to be black moustaches. Every so often, one would sneeze or hum a few notes.
"Waluigi… as a star caretaker, I should remember every wish that has ever been wished, and every prayer ever being prayed. Even yours. Perhaps if you would give me a moment?"
Waluigi said nothing in return and went inside one of the chicken coops, emerging again with his basket packed. His feet splashed through the puddles and sprayed mud everywhere. Starmac followed him, floating just over his head. "I recognise your voice, at least, though it's been a long time. You used to wish every night, but there was nothing we could do. Your wishes were…" but Waluigi interrupted him with a swipe of his hand.
"Why are you still here?" he groused. "I already told you, Waluigi is not going to help you." The farmland was placed on a hill, and Waluigi slowly began his descent down the slippery slope.
"But you will be famous!" Starmac shouted desperately and flew in front of Waluigi's face. "Please! You're the only one who can do this." Starmac shut his eyes, expecting the impact with the pink hook nose, but nothing happened. He opened an eye again and saw Waluigi stroking one end of his pointy moustache.
"Is that a fact? Is Waluigi really the only one who can save the world?" Starmac nodded, and Waluigi laughed. "Waaah! Waaahaha! That ought to show it." He shuddered with glee so that a few eggs hopped out of the basket and rolled down the hill.
"Does that mean you're happy to know you will be playing a pivotal role in your world's salvation?" Starmac asked tentatively, but a smirk formed on Waluigi's lips. "Don't tell me you would ignore your plight knowing only you can save the Mushroom Kingdom?"
"You're right, I would ignore it. Waluigi doesn't need the world, so it can hang for all I care." He stooped to pick up the few errant eggs, Starmac hovering, frowning, above him.
"Argh! You're the most stubborn, arrogant, unlikable person I have ever had the misfortunate to meet. The world, your world, really will hang unless you do something about it. Doesn't that bother you at all?"
Waluigi tossed an egg up into the air and caught it easily again. He repeated it a few times, Starmac fuming, heat boiling in his cheeks. "Nope," Waluigi finally replied and put the egg in the basket. "I kind of like this new atmosphere. So much better than all that annoying bird chatter."
Starmac paused and looked around. He had been so preoccupied with convincing Waluigi that he did not notice the dead calmness. The only sound was an eerily cold wind whistling through the trees. Outside of the farm, there were no animals to be seen either. The sky was overcast, like a hesitant thundercloud. Starmac shuddered and realised he had lost Waluigi. For a few moments he floated around the green landscape when a loud cry brought him to attention.
"Everything all right?"
Waluigi stood at the edge of cliff, stomping his feet, the basket of eggs on its side in the grass. "How dare they?" he yelled at the air. "How dare they!"
A valley stretched out below them with walls of brown rock hemming in it. Dark water filled the bottom, with a grid of metal tiles floating on top. Starmac was about to ask what was wrong when he noticed the pattern. It was a man. And though Starmac didn't know what man, it made Waluigi huff and puff as he angrily flailed his arms.
Waluigi leapt over the edge and landed on a wooden platform bobbing up and down in the murky water. "That incompetent, rotten imposter! How dare anyone put his image here?" He sprang on to the first tile and it changed colour, and so did the next ones. What looked like feet on the figure switched from brown to orange. The water acted as the boiler suit. "Take this and this."
Little by little, Waluigi got the shirt purple. The water spat out little slime creatures that slithered towards him. Waluigi kicked and stomped them, barely even realising they were there. Last was just the hat. He laughed manically as he pounded down on the last panel. The metal frame vanished in a loud poof, launching Waluigi into the air. He landed on a grassy slope on the right. A star sprang out from the dust cloud. It hovered in the air for a second, before twirling down to the wooden platform where Waluigi had started.
"Incredible!" Starmac shouted and flew over the valley. "Someone imprisoned a star within that grid art, but you wasted no time solving the puzzle. Waluigi, you should grab it. Something good might happen." He sat down on Waluigi's chest, heaving with the exertion.
"Quiet," Waluigi replied and lifted off his cap to wipe his glistening brow. "I didn't do it to save no star. I just didn't want to see that guy's face every time I look out of the window."
A house overlooked the valley lake; an unimpressive little stone hut with a chimney.
"But don't you see, Sir W, this is the work of the enemy." Starmac vaulted into the air again as Waluigi got up. "Their grip extends all the way out here. You may think you're safe here, but you are not."
Waluigi lashed out with his cap, but Starmac drifted higher up. "I told you to cram it. I don't want nothing to do with this, you hear?"
Starmac's radiance pulsed dully as he watched Waluigi turn his back. "I see. I understand now," he replied and floated away. "You're scared, but that's okay. Not everyone has what it takes to be a hero."
"What?" Waluigi whipped around and trudged down the slope after Starmac. "Now you listen here, you glorified lightbulb, Waluigi is afraid of nothing!"
Starmac landed on the wooden platform and rubbed his half-size replica. "No, no, you don't have to pretend. You don't have what it takes anyway. I'll just take this star and be on my own way, and you can continue living here."
Waluigi stomped his feet in an infuriated dance. "I have what it takes. I have so much of it that I don't know what to do with it. Give me that star."
He snatched it away from Starmac so fast that he made him spin. Light exploded from the smaller star and enveloped Waluigi. With a nasally cry, he fell on his tail. The light subsided and the star was gone. Waluigi sat on the muddy bank, a surprised look on his face.
Starmac floated down on the ground between his legs, looking up awed at Waluigi. "You did it, Mr W. You claimed that star as your own." He bowed his triangle head so that his wrinkles became more apparent. "You really might be the hero after all… hey, where're you going?"
"Back to my house." Waluigi was up again and climbing the slope. His stomach rumbled. "I'm not setting out on an empty stomach."
With the basket again secured, Waluigi stepped inside his little home. Immediately, a couple of cats surrounded him, meowing and scratching at his leg. He stepped over them carefully and put the basket down on his kitchen counter. Hands free again, he stooped to scratch the felines, and picked up a hairy tabby. "This is a small house you have."
Starmac flew in, and the other cat hissed at him. "It's home," Waluigi said and filled a pot with water. "It's nice and away from everything. Just how I like it."
There was only the one room, with kitchen in the far right corner and a bed in the far left. A table took up most of the space in the middle. He sat down and allowed the water time to boil. Starmac sat down opposite him. "It's going to be a long journey," he said, taking everything in, from the peeling tapestry to the cracks in floorboards. "I would advise you to suit up before you leave, but it doesn't seem like you have much of anything."
"Huh? I got everything I need." A cat sprang up into his lap, and he stroked its white fur. "Sorry, Mittens, but I've got to go away for a while; you will have to take care of yourself." He relaxed in his seat and looked at Starmac. "So where are we going?"
Starmac pointed his arm to the window, out across the valley and far into the dark horizon. "The source of the negative energy is in that direction. I think I saw a castle when I descended."
"That's got to be Peach's castle." Waluigi rubbed his pointy chin and followed Starmac's still pointing arm. "Bowser must be behind this then."
"I hear that name from time to time. He makes a few wishes, but mostly it's people wishing about him. Wanting him gone. I once saw the whole star field light up with that wish. It created a massive surge of energy that flew down here. This Bowser, is he strong?"
"Sure, but nowhere near as strong as Waluigi! I'll squash that overgrown lizard in two seconds flats." Waluigi laughed boisterously, and the cat fled in terror.
The water boiled, and Waluigi got up to take it off the heat. Starmac looked worried out at the horizon. "Can I really save the world with this man?" he asked to no one. "If I don't, then that's it. I can't afford to lose hope again."
He turned around and saw Waluigi put the boiled eggs inside his overalls, keeping one in hand. "These are Waluigi's, lightbulb. Get your own," he said and started peeling off the shell.
"It's fine, we star beings subsist solely on the hopes and dreams of you surface dwellers." Starmac yawned and rubbed his vertical lines. "Listen, I'm still not back to full capacity. Today's been… a hard day. Would you mind if I take a breather?" he asked.
Waluigi crossed his arms. "I'm not going to carry you."
Starmac nodded. "That's quite all right. You won't even feel a thing."
He turned into a ball of light, shot up under Waluigi's cap, and nestled in his brown locks. Waluigi grumbled and stooped to scratch his cats before leaving his house. He gave it one last look and set out, past the lake and up a narrow path through the wall.
Little did Waluigi know that a magikoopa watched him. It peered from behind a rock on the other side of the valley, making sure that Waluigi was gone before stepping out. It twirled its sceptre, and a ball of white light hovered in the air. Bowser's face appeared within the shimmering depths. "I've finished sealing all the stars away, your nastiness, but we've hit a snag. Someone endured the misery spell. He just freed the last star."
"What?" Bowser roared so that the light ball shook. "I'm sure I took care of every stinking hero in the Mushroom Kingdom. Who could I have missed?"
"Well…" Kamek scratched his head, unsure how to proceed. "I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure it was Waluigi," he finally said. Bowser relaxed back in his seat at hearing the name
"Then this shouldn't be a problem; he's more pathetic than those rotten plumbers." Bowser chuckled, and embers flew from his mouth.
"But, your bruteforcedness, he managed to escape the spell. Don't you think I should at least monitor him?" Kamek suggested.
"Do as you will. If that loser does become a problem, feel free to use it."
Bowser disappeared, and the light ball vanished. Kamek cackled wildly, picked up his broom and sped up into the dark sky.
Waluigi facts #1: the name
Though Waluigi has attained more popularity over the years, the criticism that most often arises is about his name. In English, it's basically just Luigi with the prefix from Wario. In Japanese, however, his name has a much more complex meaning. Quoted from the Super Mario Wiki:
"In Japanese, the "r" and "l" make the same sound, so Luigi can be pronounced in Japanese as "Ruīji", and Waluigi can be pronounced as "Waruīji". "Waruīji" is a portmanteau of "warui", the Japanese word for "bad" or "evil", and "Ruīji", making his name literally Eviluigi or Badluigi. However, "warui" can also mean "poor", "hateful", "abominable" and "inferior", representing Waluigi´s reputation in the Mushroom Kingdom and his place compared to Mario and Luigi. Additionally, warui, also means to make a condescending apology, instead of a polite apology, referring to Waluigi's arrogance. "Waruiji" (with short "i") is also an anagram of the Japanese word "ijiwaru" which translates to "someone who is bad" or "mean-spirited". "Ijiwaru" also translates into "sadistic", "malicious", "unkind" and other harsh things."
Of course, these puns would be hard to carry over into English, so for his international names, his Japanese was simply romanised. Which would you prefer, Waluigi or Eviluigi?
