Things Hawk Never Thought He'd Say On A Phone

By The Child Of Silence

Warnings: Pure Crack, and Stupidity. May or may not be humorous, but guaranteed to be moronic.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Want proof? It came 14 years before me. So unleash I'm magic... Not mine.


General Hawk hung up the phone and sighed. He shook his head and reached into his desk, and pulled out a notebook. No one knows where the notebook comes from, but it was at situations like this, that one could guess exactly what it was used for. Flipping it open, Hawk pulled out a pen, and began to scan over the list. Of things he never thought he would say on the phone, but ended up saying. He chuckled at the pure stupidity of some of them. No one could say the Joes didn't have any interesting conversations. He scanned through the list, and looked for a spot to put this one.

"Put the pelican back were you found it."

"I don't care what Ship Wreck said; ninjas are not throw toys!"

"No, I will not record your car cash!"

"Nor will I make it mandatory for the Joes to watch it."

"Dildos are not certified weapons!"

"If Storm Shadow said that... it's probably not true."

"Just... stay away from the green moss."

"Tunnel Rat is not to be used as leverage!"

"Nor is he to be used as a weapon."

"Snake Eyes, I did not give you permission to do that... I don't care! Put the mime back! He was not insulting your mother!"

"I'm sorry sir, but I can't tell you where the monkey is."

"Try not to blow anything up this time."

"Flint... Why is Beach Head on the news... in only his briefs?"

"Just because you saw it on T.V. does NOT mean you can build a nuclear bomb in the bathroom!"

"Girls! If you don't stop harassing the men, legal action will be taken."

"Give him his pants back, Thomas."

"Annie. That has to be the best musical that we could produce."

"No, we are not being controlled by some cruel writers."

"Fine, but keep the salamander out of the toilet."

"If it looks like a ninja, sounds like a ninja, and acts like a ninja, it's probably just Chuck Norris."

"Put the banana back, and apologize. That is no way for a grown man to act, Spirit."

"Just go pay the bail, and get him out of there... No, I don't think he's anyone's jail bait... Just... Tell him not to drop his soap..."

"I don't care what happens! Just get it out of my room!" ... "Alright, I love you too, Mom. Bye."

"Snow Job, I'm sure you are a very pretty girl, but it's disturbing to be woken up at five AM in the MORNING to hear complaints coming in!"

"Scarlett, I'm sure that Snake Eyes is just out on a run." ... "No, I'm not hiding him." ... "Ok, I'll tell him. Bye." Click! "Snake Eyes, I don't think hiding under my desk is going to hide you much longer." 'You're right... Can I hide in the closet?" "Sure."

"Falcon, I told you once, and I'll tell you again. Tunnel Rat is neither leverage or a weapon." ... "No, he's not Korean. Why do you ask?" ... "You know what? I really don't need to hear this again."

"Lady Jaye? No, I haven't seen Flint." ... "I'll tell him if I see him." Click! "Flint, you better ask Snake Eyes if you can hide in the closet with him."

"Deep Six? Are you drunk?" ... "No, actually. Life's good. I got a pain in my back side that just won't go away." ... "Tax pain?"

"Using an anagram for such a thing is not legal on this base."

"Blowtorch?" There was laughter on the other end. "Blowtorch's blowjobs? Dusty, are you alright?"

"Beach Head? I haven't seen him for a few days. I'll pass the message along then, Cover Girl." Click! "Okay, you three are going to need better hiding spots soon. Now come out of the closet." "Bu', Ah ain't gay!" "It be best if you were though."

"Duke, call in the Animal Control. Timber brought home some more "friends". Ouch!"

Reaching the end of the list, Hawk began to write on a clear space, shaking his head.

"I don't care what the price is! These women want chocolate! Get it!"

Well, this looked like it was one of those days that was about to get very, very, weird. And as if on cue, the phone began to ring. Hawk reached out, lifting the phone to his ear.

"Hello?"

"Sir, we got a situation."

Yep. One of those days...


Pilot chapter. May be a one shot, may be a two shot. This is meant to be silly, so tell me what you think?