Author's Note: O-kay. So this just came floating around my head for quite some time now. I've read a few parodies of sorts lately, so maybe it triggered this idea. Haha. It's just random, and the first parody I've written. I hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think about it. Thanks, you lot!

PS: This is set on Chamber of Secrets.

Disclaimer: JKR owns everything! :)


Malfoy Manor

"So Draco, tell me about school. Is everything going well?" Lucius Malfoy asked as he sipped his Darjeeling tea.

"Oh yes, Father. Blaise Zabini and Theodore Nott are my mates now." Draco sat down by the fire and crossed his legs. He reached to pick a cookie from his cookie platter, and started to nibble on one side.

"That's good. Oh yes, I heard that a Mudblood named- What was her name again? Greene… Graham... Oh yes, Granger – is a bright girl, and had been excelling in almost every subject taught." The older Malfoy said casually, his grey eyes observing his son.

Draco choked on his cookie. After a few coughs he finally managed to speak, "Yes Father, and I must say that I quite fancy her for her wits." It was Lucius' turn to choke.

"Wha—WHAT DID YOU SAY?" His father said loudly, but Draco, too absorbed in his musings, continued on with his monologue. He didn't even realize what he did.

"And her hair! It seems that that abomination was camouflaging the smoothestand softest hair there is. Even though it resembles a bird's nest, her hair is brilliant! No offense Father, you have the same hair as well."

Lucius scoffed. How DARE he say that! He compared his hair with a Mudblood's hair! The nerve! He has the BEST hair in the Wizarding World! Maybe in the Muggle World, even. This known, he still panicked. He ran his thumb along the top of his pimp stick, a habit he tends to do when he's nervous. What IF Draco speaks the truth? His friends would laugh at him; insult him; snicker behind his back, all because a Mudblood has better hair than he! Oh Merlin's beard. The horror. The agony. The shame!

"Oh, my word. I MUST kill the mudblood. Only I! Only I can have HAIR PERFECTION."

Draco's eyes widened. "Father. No… Please. I'll do anything you want."

Lucius smirked. "Buy me the Limited Edition Veela Ultra Hair Shine and that live-on hair conditioner that you've been bragging about."

"It's leave-on, Father."

"Is it muggle?"

"Yes Father. Granger uses it."

Crucio.


Flourish and Blotts

"And you must be Miss Granger. Yes, Draco's told me all about you. And your parents. Muggles, aren't they? Let me see. Red hair... vacant expressions... tatty second hand book... you must be the Weasleys."


What do you think? Please let me know! Haha :)