I have not been looking long when I find my target. My younger self.
He is not looking at me, he is watching the captain and the helmsman being silly, almost smiling at their antics. But he senses me as I approach and looks up. He opens his mouth to say something, but rethinks whatever it was and closes it again.
I nod to him once, glance over and Jim and then speak in a lower tone. "I came to warn you." As true as that statement is, we both know I had come to look at Jim from afar.
The younger Spock frowns. "Yes?" he says.
I pause for a moment before speaking. "I know how you feel about Jim," I say.
He glances at Jim and then looks back at me, his eyes betraying his confusion.
"Do not let him go long without knowing this. Take advantage of what time you have with him."
He shakes his head slightly. "I plan to tell him." He turns away from me, slightly annoyed. "If that is your only warning-"
I cut myself off. "Please, learn from an old man's mistakes."
He pauses, listening again.
"I lost my own Jim many years ago, and not a day goes past that I do not regret the days I let slip away." I stop for a moment, watching my younger self. "He is worth more then I believe you yet understand."
He looks at me for a moment and then nods once. "I shall, as you said, take advantage of the time I have with him."
I nod slowly and turn away. My warning is placed and my need to see Jim is satisfied for the moment. As I walk, I see Jim go running up to Spock to tell him something, but I keep going. I only stop when I hear him call after me.
I turn and see Jim smiling at me. I have his face memorized, every angle, every perfection and imperfection. Seeing it brings me so close to satisfying my need for my own Jim for a moment. But he is not the same. I can see in those electric blue eyes, those eyes which should be brown, a broken story of loss and pain. A story I forced upon him. A story that I cannot be part of like I wish I could be. The way he sees me is the same way I see him. As imposters of those we love. To him, I am only an echo. Something sad, fading away more each day. Something who needs him to keep me going. And perhaps that's what I am. Once I could go on without him, but now that I know he is out there somewhere, no matter how many faults I find him in, I must see him or I shall drive myself mad. But he is not mine. I know that seeing him will only feed my desires for my own, not lessen them anymore, but I cannot stop. Yet, at the same time, those eyes are a stranger's. I will never know them or what is behind them as I once did. And I accept this.
But somehow, he smiles at me and I can almost see my Jim in his eyes. The stranger who looks a bit like someone I lost. But I know that is all he will ever be. I have been trying to love something I cannot.
I nod to him and depart from that place. And in that moment I know that he will only destroy me, like a drug will destroy it's addict. I cannot go on this way, using him as my fuel.
But tell me, how do I go on without him?