I: Casino Royale (1954)

            Alarms rang off, filling the white hallways with red light and blaring noise. Smoke crept out of round doorways and fire flickered amidst the chaos. In this hallway there stood a tall, strong man in a black tuxedo, armed with a small hand ARM. He had dark skin, green eyes, large lips, and long brown hair with a white streak through it. Another man was kneeled before him on the floor, clutching his bleeding chest. He was short with a white ponytail and cold blue eyes. He was dressed in a black skin suit with leather strapping around it, covered in his own blood.

            "You truly are an admirable foe, but you'll never win. You may have managed to defeat the Riflemen, but the Morning Star is still active!" The wounded man spat.

            The tall man reached into his pocket with a free hand and pulled out a small detonator. He grinned. "Not likely."

            The look of horror appeared across the wounded man's blue eyes. "H-how!? It's impossible!"

            "Nothing's impossible, Rhoad, just improbable." The tall man snickered.

            Rhoad clutched his chest tighter; he could feel his last moments were coming. "My dreams… Tell me… your name, so that I know who destroyed the spacecraft Morning Star and my …revolution…."

            The tall man swiveled the ARM in his hand and turned his back to the dying nemesis. "Carradine. Gallows Carradine."

007 Trumpets blasts

** *

            Melody walked across a strange backdrop of the Millennium Puzzle Dimension, clad in the smallest bikini ever made. Following her was Virginia, in a white one piece, Lady Harken, dressed in a simple bikini, and Marina, dressed in a one piece. Melody turned to face the other three. She could tell they were embarrassed.

            "You do remember what were supposed to be doing, right?" Melody asked, scorn in her eyes.

            "Yea… its just so chavenistic…" Marina replied.

            "Come on girls, dancing is fun, especially when there's a giant gun to dance around!" Virginia cheered.

            "Hoo boy… here we go…" Harken sighed.

            The lights dimmed and the girls became silhouettes, who all began to dance mysteriously and rather erotically to music.

From Baskar With Love

-The unofficial Wild ARMs Bond spoof-

By Hypes

SECRET AGENT MAN - Johnny Rivers (P.F. Sloan / S. Barri)

~There's a man who leads a life of danger
To everyone he meets he stays a stranger
With every move he makes another chance he takes
Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow

Secret agent man, secret agent man
They've given you a number and taken away your name

Beware of pretty faces that you find
A pretty face can hide an evil mind
Ah, be careful what you say
Or you'll give yourself away
Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow

Secret agent man, secret agent man
They've given you a number and taken away your name

------ lead guitar ------

Secret agent man, secret agent man
They've given you a number and taken away your name

Swingin' on the Riviera one day
And then layin' in the Bombay alley next day
Oh no, you let the wrong word slip
While kissing persuasive lips
The odds are you won't live to see tomorrow

Secret agent man, secret agent man
They've given you a number and taken away your name

Secret agent man!~

            Suited men and women of all types stepped out of the way for Gallows Carradine as he walked the red-carpeted path to his boss's office. He passed the many migrant symbols on the stonewalls and smiled to every women along the way. His tux was in perfect fit, but it didn't seem to help his charm, for all of the women simply nodded or turned away. Gallows frowned. Being a secret agent was harder than he thought. He reached a large wooden door and opened it, throwing his exquisite coat to the rack in the corner of the room.

            "Looks like your back Gallows!" exclaimed Virginia, the receptionist, as she sat typing on the old western equilivent to a computer (i.e: a typewriter.)

            Gallows grinned and attempted the secret agent charm. "Just another hair-rasing adventure in space involving madmen and a satellite. Just normal stuff babe."

            Virginia continued to smile and nodded. "That's good to know. Mr. Valeria is expecting you, double o three."

            "Already. Damn, that was fast." Gallows stepped towards the door once more and then stopped, confused. "Wait a minute, I thought Maya was president."

            Virginia nodded. "She is."

            Seeing that was all he was going to get out of the honey haired girl, he shook his head and walked in, one hand in pocket.

            Virginia sighed. "He's just so suave…"

            Gallows immediately rocketed out of the room and up to Virginia's desk. "Who? Me?!"

            Virginia shook her head politely and took a picture from her desk. "Agent 002, Jet Enduro." Virginia sighed again. "It's such a shame he had to die in that underground lair explosion one year ago…"

            It was Gallows turn to sigh, but not for the same reason. It was Mr. Enduro's absence that caused him to be the next super secret agent, but somehow he was lacking all the "coolness" of the former agent. Grumbling, Gallows turned back to his boss's room.

            Or should it be three bosses? Gallows sweated a little at seeing three respectable adults all shouting and fighting over a broad ornate desk. Gallows shook his head and walked forward, meeting the desk and taking his seat in a chair nearby.

            "Ah, 003, you're back!" Professor Emma, a young women with spectacles, light skin and raven dark hair commented, pulling herself away from the brawl.

            "Don't you 'Ah, 003 you're back' him! I'm in charge!" Maya Shroedinger, a feisty blonde woman with blue eyes and a suit dressed to kill pulled on Emma's hair.

            "Hey! I'm the one giving commands! This IS the Valeria Chateaux, you know!" Irving Valeria, a crutched man dressed rather sharply with long flowing gray hair shouted.

            Gallows nodded in response and grabbed a shot of whiskey from the local butler, Todd. Gallows downed it in one, but found it rather unpleasant. "Ung. I thought I said, shaken, not stirred!"

            "You don't stir whiskey, Mr. Carradine…" Todd replied.

            "…Oh, right…" Gallows smiled.

            "I'm President remember! You voted me in the last fic so I'm boss!" Maya reasoned.

            "This isn't exactly a sequel, you know. If it was, than this series went down pretty fast…" Emma crossed her arms, matter-of-factly.

            "Stop with the shameless advertising! Look, let's just get to business!" Irving shouted.

            The two women turned their back from him and put their chins high. Irving sat down behind the desk and clutched his hands together most elegantly. "Good morning 003, it's good to see you back."

            "Of course. Those villains and their satellite was no problem at all-"

            "Yea yea yea, we know. Look, a new threat to the world has risen and we need you to help stop it. For Queen and country!" Irving interrupted.

            "PRESIDENT!" Maya slammed her high heeled foot upon Irving's head.

            "!? What's the mission chief!?" Gallows was eager.

            "First of all, stop being excited! That's not how 002, would have been at all! Calm and suave!" Emma waved her finger disapprovingly.

            "The new mission is like this. You're familiar with the evil agency P.R.O.P.H.E.T, right?" Valeria asked.

            "Yea, but I never figured out what that was an acronym for…" Gallows scratched his head.

            "People Rudely Opposing People's Heroes… that's all we got…" Maya shrugged.

            "Anyways, your mission objectives are simple. Eliminate P.R.O.P.H.E.T at all costs." Irving continued.

            "Is there a reason you have to bold it every time you say it?" Gallows asked.

            "CALM AND SAUVE!" Emma roared in Gallows face. Gallows gulped and remained silent.

            "ANYWAYS, this mission is huge, so you'll be teaming up with our new agency, the Agile Remote Missions Squad, or ARMS." Valeria said.

            "You mean after these ARMs?" Gallows pointed to the gun he had in his hidden holster.

            "No, ARMS means ARMS!" Irving replied.

            "You mean these kinds of Arms?" Emma asked, pointing to her limb.

            "No! Arms means weaponry!" Maya scolded.

            "NO! ARMS is ARMS, the Agile Remote Mission Squad!" Irving demanded.

            "There's that bold type again…" Gallows whistled.

            "This is going to be confusing. From now on, ARMs…" Emma pointed to a gun. "Are guns."

            "Yes, and arms are limbs." Maya nodded.

            "That's just stupid." Irving retorted. "We'll stick with guns everything else is the same."

            Suddenly the door opened and Alfred walked in, carrying a tray with one wine glass upon it. He walked up to Gallows and offered him the drink. "Martini, shaken, not stirred."

            "Thanks." Gallows smiled.

            "Wait a minute! You're dead!" Maya pointed out.

            "Hey, this isn't really a sequel!" Alfred shrugged and walked out.

            "So, who are my new team mates?" Gallows asked. He wasn't crazy about the idea, only because chicks dig the lone wolf type.

            "You'll have to find out for yourself on the riverboat, Sweet Candy. They'll be waiting for you there. Just use the password 'I'm a diphead.'".

            Gallows spat all of the martini across the red carpet. "WHAT?!"

            "That's the password. Now, if you'll please. You must meet "C" for your weaponry." Irving concluded.

            "Wait! I'm the inventor! What's going on!" Emma waved her arms.

            "Ah, what a fine use of arms!" Maya laughed.

            A small knock was heard emanating from the desk. Surprised, Irving opened his desk drawer only to see Clive Winslet leap out. Clive Winslet was a tall man dressed in a long red jacket. He wore glasses and had green hair. He leaped across the table and promptly thanked Irving for allowing him passage.

            "Looks like the passage works well enough." Clive smiled, dusting off his coat.

            "Are you 'C'?" Gallows asked, standing out of his chair.

            Clive nodded. "Yes, I'm C, the head of our weapons development program, or ARMS development!"

            "Hey! We've already gone through this!" Irving growled.

            "I'm the inventor!" Emma scowled.

            Clive dug into his jacket pockets and dug out a large briefcase. He placed it upon the desk and allowed Gallows to step closer for examination. "You see what we have here for you is a portable cargo unit, equipped with dual pin hinges here and leather surface textures for stylish, yet durable looks. It has two locking mechanisms seen here that must be pressed simultaneously in order to open, preventing theft."

            "If someone doesn't do it at the same time, do knives come out or does it explode?" Gallows asked, looking for something cool.

            "No, it just doesn't open." Clive replied. He pressed the two locks at once, opening the briefcase and taking out what appeared to be a pen. "What this is for you is a scribing utensil, fashioned with a small metal dull point dabbed in ink that comes out from the foramen here once this switch atop is pressed like so. In order to save ink, you should click it once more in order to pull the point back inside the main chassis."

            "Hmmm. What happens if I click it more than once." Gallows asked. "Will a laser come out or will it spray liquid nitrogen?"

            "No, you'll just annoy somebody." Clive answered; he then put the pen back and pulled out a small flip mirror. "Our next item is a light refracting display that will reflect any light passed onto it back."

            "In other words, a mirror." Gallows guessed.

            "Exactly. My, you could be a scientist!" Clive laughed. "And that should conclude your briefing.

            "Wait!" Emma shouted. "I got a great gismo for you!" Emma ran forward, but tripped upon Maya's out stretched foot. She fell and a black sphere she was carrying slipped from her hand and rolled out into the hallway.

            "Hey look! A ball!" Altacea, an elegant yet somewhat empty-headed woman with no real point in the game except to serve lunch and become a human sacrifice to the Kuiper Belt, leaned over and picked it up. In a flash she was gone.

            "Heh heh, oops… mini black hole…" Emma swallowed.

            There was nothing but silence.

            "O.K I'm leaving now!" Gallows put on a fake smile.

            "Great! Talk to Virginia for your tickets to the ship!" Irving said equally as fake.

            "All right, will do. Buh bye." And with that, the great secret agent 003 was gone…