The Wonderful World of Tortall

The Wonderful World of Tamora Pierce Characters


Scene 1: Alanna and Daine (Yep, that's right, Daine) are dueling each other in a fierce contest to see who can be the most horrible actor.

Or something like that.

Alanna: Beware, Daine! For today is the day you die! (Dramatic music plays as Alanna and Daine duel with what are apparently rusted pogo sticks.)

Daine: NEVER! *With a strong southern accent.* Veralidaine Sarrasri never loses a fight!

Alanna: Oh? Well, prepare to suffer! *Begins waving the pogo stick around and singing a battle song that makes the birds run around screaming like the headless chickens they are.*

Jonathan: GO ALANNA! YOU'RE MY HERO! *He continues singing with all the other cheerleaders while all the animals howl their support for Daine.*

*Alanna gets a swipe and almost bashes the pogo stick into Daine's head. Daine retaliates by throwing some bird droppings onto Alanna's hair.*

Alanna: EEK! My hair is RUINED!

Cut scene to Niko coaching Tris on how to remove slime from his stupid shirt.

Niko: Now Tris, remember… just breathe deeply, then breathe out.

Tris: Why?

Niko: BECAUSE I SAID SO! NOW DO IT!

Tris: I don't WANT to! *Tiny shafts of wind begin heading toward Niko.*

Niko: So what? I'm your mage master. Now be quiet and get this slime off my shirt!

Tris: Hehehehe… *Tris gets the slime off Niko's shirt and onto his face.*

Niko: Young lady, never do that to a senior mage.

Tris: Wheee! That was fun! Let's do it again!

Cut scene to Alanna and Daine taking a break.

Duke Gareth the Elder: Well, how do you guys think the fight is going?

*Alanna and Daine both point to each other and say simultaneously, "SHE CHEATED!"

George: *Hastily* I've got an idea! Why don't you both sit down and eat some strawberry rhubarb pie?

Daine: I don't LIKE strawberry rhubarb pie.

Alanna: I LOVE IT!

George: Hey, didn't you say just yesterday that you hated strawberry rhubarb pie?

Alanna: That was yesterday. This is TODAY. *Glares suspiciously at Daine.*

Cut scene to Keladry of Mindelin, having a romantic dinner with Cleon and an enchanted frog prince.

Kel: Isn't this a romantic scene, with Me and Cleon and… um… the frog prince?

Prince: I'll have you know I would be HEIR to Roald if it weren't for that stupid idiot Duke Roger turning me into a frog.

Kel: So what?

Cleon: Yeah, froggy. Go mind your own business. *Puts his arm around Kel.*

Prince: YEEEECHHH! Before you go all romantic on me, what am I supposed to say again?

Cleon: *Holding a whispered conversation with Kel, then telling the frog wickedly: You're supposed to say, "HI! I'm a big dummy from outer space who is in reality dissing the director for his stupid lines.

Prince: *Obediently: He learned obedience from the cradle, or the lilypad or whatever*: HI! I'm a big dummy from outer space who is in reality dissing the director for his stupid lines.

Director: *From behind stage* I'll GET YOU FOR THAT, FROG PRINCE ALEXANDER OF GRAHM OF BELL OF CONTÉ!

Prince: No need to get so TOUCHY! I was just following their orders, O high and mighty.

Director: *Unimpressed and STILL from behind stage* Yeah, right. I've heard that one before.

Cut scene to Niko trying to get out of a miniature tornado that Tris has created.

Tris: WHEEEEE!!!!!! This is fun! *Tris turns to Sandry, Briar, and Daja.* Isn't it?

Briar: Yeah. Hey, I wonder what would happen to us if we put Rosethorn in there?

Sandry: We'd have to be absolutely stupid to try…

Daja: OK, then! In that case, we HAVE to try.

Tris: Of course! We're not going to lie to ourselves and say we're actually SMART, are we? *Listens for dissenting votes. None come.* Good. Let's go and find Frostpine, Rosethorn, and Lark.

Niko: PUT ME DOWN FROM HERE THIS INSTANT, YOUNG LADY! THIS IS UNDIGNIFIED!

Tris: Oh, I'm sorry. TOO BAD FOR YOU! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *Tris and the others wander off, cackling insanely.*

Niko: Help!!!! Anybody want to help me? *Spots Duke Vedris coming up the driveway (a driveway? In the ****th century? Sure!)* Oh, good sir, you wouldn't by any chance help a poor old man who's trapped in a whirlwind, would you?

Vedris: Of course not! *Turns to his guards.* Get everyone up here and see this! See Niko trapped in a whirlwind! THIS IS FUN! Hehehehe!

Guard 1: Sure, Vedris.

Guard 2: Aye aye, sir.

Guard 3: This'll be GOOD. *All three guards wander off chuckling.*

Niko: Help? Anybody?

Cut scene to Alanna and Daine fighting again.

Alanna: YEEEGHHHH! I HATE STRAWBERRY RUBARB PIE! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

Daine: NUH UH! I HAD TO WATCH YOU AS YOU SHOVED THE DELICIOUS PIE DOWN, GLUTTONHEAD! I BET YOU'RE GROWING FATTER AS WE SPEAK!

Alanna: Speaking in caps is getting me exhausted. Let's go see what the evil, bug-eyed monsters are doing. *Alanna's cape goes SWISH, SWISH!*

Director: Hey, you don't have a CAPE!

Alanna: Yes, I do.

Director: Oh? And how, may I ask, did you pay for that thing?

Alanna: * Shrugs* I found a check that said "$2000000, to be deposited in payroll account number 1020390893454392835983. I memorized the account number, and took out all the money and bought pretty things. See? *Shows director her $20000000 dollar cloak.* I bought it with all that money.

Director: ARRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS THE PAYROLL MONEY, YOU IDIOT! THAT'S WHAT I WAS PUTTING INTO THE THEATER! WHAT KIND OF CLOAK COSTS 20000000 FREAKING DOLLARS!?!?!?!

Alanna: The kind that swishes all the time. Including when you sleep. And glows in the dark, and can create objects upon demand, and can remove obnoxious directors.

Director: WHAT?

*Alanna tells her cloak something and the Director vanishes to an entirely different scene.*

Indiana Jones: We don't have much time left! RUN! VENEMOUS DIRECOR AHEAD! OTHER WAY! NO! STUPID DIRECTOR AHEAD! WE'RE SURROUNDED BY DIRECTORS, TONTO! WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

Tonto: *The faithful Indian companion.* Smash the cameras!

Indiana Jones: Good idea! *Indiana Jones and Tonto begin smashing all the cameras. The directors, their power gone, flee back to their own plays.*

Scene 1 ends.

So, tell me what you think. I'm still working on this, there WILL be another chapter, but I can't write one now. Please review it, even if you think it stinks. Because, deep down, I know you REALLY THINK IT STINKS! Oookaaayyyy…. Now back to reality. See you next chapter in "The Wonderful World of Tamora Pierce Characters, PART II." I bet you're REALLY looking forward to it.

WHEEEEEEEELLLLLAAAAAAAA!!!!