Concealed Behind the Fan

A fanfic by Setsumi-san

     (Disclaimer: I do not own Shaman King in any way so please don't sue me.)

     "A lady always should be quick to heed others and slow to speak. Ran, if you do this all you want will come to you."  That was what my mother taught me all of my life. Being a good listener benefits me in some ways, but drags my heart down like an invisible lead weight in others. For the last decade or so of my life that weight has gotten heavier and heavier. Why? I am guilt-ridden over what a coward I've been all of that time.

     I'm ashamed of myself for neglecting my children, who should have been the top priority on the to-do list of my trivial life. When I should have cared for them I was busy listening to my husband's words, succumbing to them, and being brainwashed. I am a Tao only by marriage and did not understand their family philosophy of darkness, light, justice, and power at first. Back then I was only a naïve girl who knew only that I was betrothed to a shaman much more powerful than a little priestess such as myself. I learned En's values quickly though; and have embraced them.

     Nevertheless…why Jun and Ren? Why punish them for wanting to go their own way? I silently ask them to forgive me with my eyes each chance I get. My daughter has said she loves me; but I know this is to provide me with a false reassurance. As for my son…he never speaks to me. He has no mother; she became his enemy eons ago when she allied with his father.

    Me, allies with him? Oh how wrong you are, Ren. I only obey him out of the fear that he might toss me, his own wife, in that torture chamber. He would if I said the wrong thing; don't claim he wouldn't. Oh, I do care about him, but not how you think.

     I respect him as a student might respect her teacher or perhaps an employee her boss; but I do not love him (although he is hell in bed and makes me scream like a banshee). I never expected to love him. However, I never expected to be frightened of him either. When I married En I was willing to mind him as a good wife should, but be his disciple to his principles? Never!

     Therefore I use my folding paper fan to hide my lips when I frown at his twisted reasoning. I can't let him see my disapproval, lest he would probably kill me. I'm so thankful for that fan. It's a mask, a suit of armor, and an attractive accessory all in one. Not many women have such a brilliant tool.

     Still, I wish I had the guts to show my displeasure. Then maybe, just maybe, my children would exonerate me of my crimes of abandonment and being spineless.

     Perhaps I could also exonerate myself.

     Until that happens, I will hide behind my fan.