"If You Can't Say Anything Nice...."
Authors Note: This is my first ER story/song fic. I hope you all find this funny! It combines different events from almost every season. I guess you could say there's spoilers from seasons 1-7. =)
Disclaimer: Did you really think I owned ER? Really....did you? I didn't think so. =) And "If I Had A Million Dollars" is owned by Bare Naked Ladies. I just mixed up their words a bit.
Dave giggled as he added his last touches to the paper. From the other side of the admit desk, Randi spied. Dr. Greene approached her.
"Hey Randi. Slow day?" He asked as he picked up a new chart. She popped her gum.
"Could say that." She continued to watch Dave in curiosity. Mark followed her gaze to the wide grin on Malucci's face.
"Dare I ask?"
"He's been writing something for the last five minutes. Won't let anybody read it. I'm thinking maybe it's one of those hot romance novels people seem to like around here."
Mark joined in her eavesdropping for a moment before heading towards Dave.
"Hey Dave. What do you got there?" Dave quickly pulled the paper away.
"Oh hey Dr. Greene.... its nothing important." He stuffed it into the pocket of his scrubs.
"Right. Well get busy with something that is important then. Oh, and Dave? Watch where you put that. When those 'unimportant notes' get out there's always trouble." Dave grabbed a chart and turned toward the exam rooms.
"I'll keep that in mind thanks!" He rushed away. Mark sighed.
"That man scares me." He commented. Randi heard replied.
"That man scares everybody."
Carter left the exam room and made his final markings on the patients chart. Another long night with nothing but sore throats and rectals.
'Maybe I should rethink that trust fund.." He thought half seriously. But the thought quickly left his mind as he noticed Dave Mulucci coming his way.
"Hey Dave!" He walked up to him. "You got it?" A smile lit up both men's faces.
"Yep....here." He pulled the folded up paper out of his pocket and handed it discreetly to Carter. "I finished off the middle. There's only a few lines left at the end." Both men's eyes shifted as some unknown doctors passed them.
"Great....no one saw it right?"
"Nope. I made sure of it." He leaned in closer. "Believe me if somebody did we'd be hearing about it by now!" They both chuckled.
"Oh I think we'd be fired by now!" He looked up to see Kerry coming. "Well Dave I think that you should get a LP before you call a psych consult. OK?" Dave smiled knowingly.
"Right thanks Carter!"
LATER
Carter laughed as he completed the last line. He was alone in the lounge for the moment and he had taken the opportunity to read Dave's additions.
"Finished." He declared.
"Finished with what?" Said a familiar voice from behind him. Carter jumped and slipped the paper into his pocket. He turned to see Peter Benton filling a cup of coffee.
"Hey Dr. Benton. Just finished my...tax returns." He lied. Benton looked at him with narrow eyes.
"Its October Carter." He laughed nervously.
"Well...never too early to start right!" He stood quickly and hurried out of the lounge.
Carter turned the corner to the elevator only to run head on into a disgruntled Luka Kovac. Papers flew throughout the hallway and scattered everywhere.
"I'm sorry Carter. Are you ok?" Luka asked him, but he was too busy regaining his balance.
"Yea...yea are you ok Dr. Kovac?" Luka nodded.
"I think so." Both men gathered up their papers and went their separate ways. Luka reached the admit desk and began to reorganize his charts.
"What's this?" He asked no one in particular. Randi took the liberty of answering.
"What's what?" Luke unwrapped the mysterious paper and began to read.
'If I Had A Million Dollars' by John Carter & Dave Malucci
If I had a $1000000
(If I had a $1000000)
I'd buy Jerry a mouse
(I would buy Jerry a mouse)
If I had a $1000000
(If I had a $1000000)
I'd buy Romano some hair
(Maybe a nice toupee or a hair weave)
And if I had a $1000000
(If I had a $1000000)
I'd buy Luka some shampoo
(To wash out all that gooey hair gel)
If I had $1000000 I'd save your life.
If I had a $1000000
I'd build a Starbucks in the lounge
If I had $1000000
We'd drink cappuccino all night long
If I had $1000000
Maybe we could move Doc Magoo's into the hospital
We could have like, a 24 hour drive through window
Like order on the way to the lab
If our foods not there when we get back its free!
Oh it would be there, we'd just order it stat!
If I had $1000000
(If I had $1000000)
I'd buy Abby some new stories
(Anything but OB that's just cruel!)
And if I had $1000000
(If I had a $1000000)
I'd buy Kerry a new cane
(With Festus inscribed on the handle)
And if I had $1000000
(If I had a $1000000)
I'd buy Jing Mei a new name
(Maybe something we could all pronounce)
And If I had $1000000 I'd save your life.
If I had a $1000000
We wouldn't have to Q and A charts
If I had a $1000000
We'd get the med students to do our parts
If I had a $1000000
We wouldn't have to perform rectals
But we would do rectals
Of course we would, just not on cross dressers named Vanessa!
And we could play music all day long
But no Grace Jones! That'll drive a guy CRAZY!
Crazy eh?
If I had $1000000
(If I had $1000000)
I'd buy Peter a new girlfriend
(But not another robot, that's cruel)
And if I had $1000000
(If I had $1000000)
I'd buy Mark a good lawyer
(Maybe Johnny Cochran if he's free)
If I had $1000000
(If I had $1000000)
I'd buy Maggie Doyle her job back
(Didn't she get abducted by aliens or something?)
If I had $1000000
I'd save your life
If I had $1000000, If I had $1000000
If I had $1000000, If I had $1000000
I would quit!
He smiled for a while, then his smile faded to a scowl.
When he looked up Mark, Abby, and Kerry had joined them.
"What is it Luka?" Abby asked.
"I think you need to read this for yourselves." He handed Abby the paper to read who responded with a "They're dead!" Mark laughed until he found his name. And Kerry just shook her head and sighed.
"Well..." Said Mark after a moments silence. "I think we need to teach these two a lesson...don't you?"
End of Part One. Hope you liked it!
Authors Note: This is my first ER story/song fic. I hope you all find this funny! It combines different events from almost every season. I guess you could say there's spoilers from seasons 1-7. =)
Disclaimer: Did you really think I owned ER? Really....did you? I didn't think so. =) And "If I Had A Million Dollars" is owned by Bare Naked Ladies. I just mixed up their words a bit.
Dave giggled as he added his last touches to the paper. From the other side of the admit desk, Randi spied. Dr. Greene approached her.
"Hey Randi. Slow day?" He asked as he picked up a new chart. She popped her gum.
"Could say that." She continued to watch Dave in curiosity. Mark followed her gaze to the wide grin on Malucci's face.
"Dare I ask?"
"He's been writing something for the last five minutes. Won't let anybody read it. I'm thinking maybe it's one of those hot romance novels people seem to like around here."
Mark joined in her eavesdropping for a moment before heading towards Dave.
"Hey Dave. What do you got there?" Dave quickly pulled the paper away.
"Oh hey Dr. Greene.... its nothing important." He stuffed it into the pocket of his scrubs.
"Right. Well get busy with something that is important then. Oh, and Dave? Watch where you put that. When those 'unimportant notes' get out there's always trouble." Dave grabbed a chart and turned toward the exam rooms.
"I'll keep that in mind thanks!" He rushed away. Mark sighed.
"That man scares me." He commented. Randi heard replied.
"That man scares everybody."
Carter left the exam room and made his final markings on the patients chart. Another long night with nothing but sore throats and rectals.
'Maybe I should rethink that trust fund.." He thought half seriously. But the thought quickly left his mind as he noticed Dave Mulucci coming his way.
"Hey Dave!" He walked up to him. "You got it?" A smile lit up both men's faces.
"Yep....here." He pulled the folded up paper out of his pocket and handed it discreetly to Carter. "I finished off the middle. There's only a few lines left at the end." Both men's eyes shifted as some unknown doctors passed them.
"Great....no one saw it right?"
"Nope. I made sure of it." He leaned in closer. "Believe me if somebody did we'd be hearing about it by now!" They both chuckled.
"Oh I think we'd be fired by now!" He looked up to see Kerry coming. "Well Dave I think that you should get a LP before you call a psych consult. OK?" Dave smiled knowingly.
"Right thanks Carter!"
LATER
Carter laughed as he completed the last line. He was alone in the lounge for the moment and he had taken the opportunity to read Dave's additions.
"Finished." He declared.
"Finished with what?" Said a familiar voice from behind him. Carter jumped and slipped the paper into his pocket. He turned to see Peter Benton filling a cup of coffee.
"Hey Dr. Benton. Just finished my...tax returns." He lied. Benton looked at him with narrow eyes.
"Its October Carter." He laughed nervously.
"Well...never too early to start right!" He stood quickly and hurried out of the lounge.
Carter turned the corner to the elevator only to run head on into a disgruntled Luka Kovac. Papers flew throughout the hallway and scattered everywhere.
"I'm sorry Carter. Are you ok?" Luka asked him, but he was too busy regaining his balance.
"Yea...yea are you ok Dr. Kovac?" Luka nodded.
"I think so." Both men gathered up their papers and went their separate ways. Luka reached the admit desk and began to reorganize his charts.
"What's this?" He asked no one in particular. Randi took the liberty of answering.
"What's what?" Luke unwrapped the mysterious paper and began to read.
'If I Had A Million Dollars' by John Carter & Dave Malucci
If I had a $1000000
(If I had a $1000000)
I'd buy Jerry a mouse
(I would buy Jerry a mouse)
If I had a $1000000
(If I had a $1000000)
I'd buy Romano some hair
(Maybe a nice toupee or a hair weave)
And if I had a $1000000
(If I had a $1000000)
I'd buy Luka some shampoo
(To wash out all that gooey hair gel)
If I had $1000000 I'd save your life.
If I had a $1000000
I'd build a Starbucks in the lounge
If I had $1000000
We'd drink cappuccino all night long
If I had $1000000
Maybe we could move Doc Magoo's into the hospital
We could have like, a 24 hour drive through window
Like order on the way to the lab
If our foods not there when we get back its free!
Oh it would be there, we'd just order it stat!
If I had $1000000
(If I had $1000000)
I'd buy Abby some new stories
(Anything but OB that's just cruel!)
And if I had $1000000
(If I had a $1000000)
I'd buy Kerry a new cane
(With Festus inscribed on the handle)
And if I had $1000000
(If I had a $1000000)
I'd buy Jing Mei a new name
(Maybe something we could all pronounce)
And If I had $1000000 I'd save your life.
If I had a $1000000
We wouldn't have to Q and A charts
If I had a $1000000
We'd get the med students to do our parts
If I had a $1000000
We wouldn't have to perform rectals
But we would do rectals
Of course we would, just not on cross dressers named Vanessa!
And we could play music all day long
But no Grace Jones! That'll drive a guy CRAZY!
Crazy eh?
If I had $1000000
(If I had $1000000)
I'd buy Peter a new girlfriend
(But not another robot, that's cruel)
And if I had $1000000
(If I had $1000000)
I'd buy Mark a good lawyer
(Maybe Johnny Cochran if he's free)
If I had $1000000
(If I had $1000000)
I'd buy Maggie Doyle her job back
(Didn't she get abducted by aliens or something?)
If I had $1000000
I'd save your life
If I had $1000000, If I had $1000000
If I had $1000000, If I had $1000000
I would quit!
He smiled for a while, then his smile faded to a scowl.
When he looked up Mark, Abby, and Kerry had joined them.
"What is it Luka?" Abby asked.
"I think you need to read this for yourselves." He handed Abby the paper to read who responded with a "They're dead!" Mark laughed until he found his name. And Kerry just shook her head and sighed.
"Well..." Said Mark after a moments silence. "I think we need to teach these two a lesson...don't you?"
End of Part One. Hope you liked it!
