Can't Get Enough

I don't know when it changed or how it changed. One day, I woke up and everything was different. We were always best friends. Never the kind of siblings who fought or got on each other's nerves, no. We were stuck like glue. Two halves of a whole and I thought that was normal, that some siblings were just closer than others. At least, that's what I told myself.

"Good morning Sunshine!" He smiled at me over the breakfast table with those abyss deep black eyes.

"Good morning Lollypop!" I countered. What? I figure if he gets to call me sunshine, then surely lollypop is okay, right? You know sunshine, lollypops and rainbows? Like the song? Huh, maybe I should've just gone with rainbow.

"Lollypop? Where the fuck did that come from?" Whoa, back up! Jonathan swore at me? Jonathan doesn't swear, let alone at me! Holy twilight zone, batman!

"You said sunshine, so I… ah never mind. Are we walking to school together?" I asked trying to make light of his seemingly dark mood.

"Yeah, maybe, after you put some clothes on." He said and went back to munching his cereal.

"Hold the presses, what's the matter with what I'm wearing? Everything's covered." It was the end of May and we were in the middle of a heatwave, so I had put on my daisy dukes and a sheer white tank top with a blue bra under it. There was a new boy at school and I may or may not have been hoping to get his attention a bit. I mean, okay, maybe I'm not normally quite that showy, but Jonathan was totally over-reacting!

"Even so, it doesn't exactly leave much to the imagination." He retorted under his breath.

"Screw you, Jon! What's gotten into your Oaties today?" I pouted and stormed upstairs to change.

I barely noticed the door opening as I finished slipping out of my clothes and then I turned around and realized he was standing right there watching me.

"I thought you were up here crying, not getting changed, so I came to apologize. I really wasn't trying to be a jerk, it's just that you've grown up a lot lately and I don't want you sending the wrong impression. I'd rather not have to murder every boy at school for looking at my sister as if she were a piece of meat you know" He laughed nervously, obviously trying to maintain eye contact and doing his best not to look down. I had to give him tremendous credit for that.

"Thanks Jon, I'm sorry I got so pissy. I just couldn't understand where your bad mood was coming from, that's all. You don't normally talk to me like that. I was confused as to what I had done wrong."

"Oh Sweety, you didn't do anything wrong. It's me. I've been having my own issues where you're concerned and they aren't your fault but it's something I'd rather not get into. I hope you can understand that." He sighed looking like a lost puppy.

"Okay… although I don't really get what kind of issues you could be having that would have any bearing on my wardrobe choices, unless… oh gosh, Jon?" He wasn't seriously saying what that sounded like, was he? No, it couldn't be!

"Yeah, I won't lie to you about it. So there, now do you understand?" Now he wouldn't look at me at all.

"Oh Jon, if they're that kind of issues, I doubt my dressing in layers is going to make a difference. You've been seeing me in various stages of undress our whole lives. When did this start?"

"Just this year, you've really developed lately. Anyway it doesn't hurt to try putting on a sweater and some capris or something, for me? If that doesn't work I may have to start distancing myself from you and I don't want to do that."

"No! Don't do that. Look, it doesn't bother me, okay. I won't lose you over this and I won't let things get awkward either. I'm not worried about it, so you shouldn't be." I had finished getting dressed and moved closer to rest my hand on his shoulder reassuringly.

"I don't think you understand how bad it's getting for me. There have been whole nights where I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about you, lying in the next room, etcetera and etcetera okay? It's bad Clary, really bad."

I should have just let it go at that point, it's what a good sister would have done. For some reason I just wanted him to keep talking. I wanted details, wanted him to voice his thoughts. I don't know why, it just seemed important in that moment. It mattered to me.

"What do you think about? When I'm lying in the next room, keeping you awake, where do your thoughts go?"

"Oh Clary, I think you can guess."

"No, I wanna know! Do you think about what I'm wearing, or what I could be dreaming about? Do you think about paying me a visit? What it would be like?" I smiled encouragingly at him.

"Clary, please don't make me talk about this, can't you see you're making it worse?" He sighed.

At that point I instinctively looked down. "Yep, I can see I'm making it worse alright. Apparently I'm making it really hard for you. Sorry, I just was curious. I am curious. Please tell me, Jonathan?"

"Tell you what? How I long to be in your room with you. How I wish I could just walk out my door and in through yours and spend every night in your bed? How I wish I could touch you, kiss you, make love to you? Is that what you want to hear Clarissa? Don't you see how impossible this is for me? I might as well move out! I'm eighteen now, so I would have been leaving home soon anyway, right? I might as well just go." He turned to leave my room and knowing his impulsive nature, he was probably going to leave right then and there. Pack a bag, stay with a friend, get a job and find a place, the whole nine yards. But I wasn't about to lose my brother over this. Not when I loved him so damned much it hurt, I wasn't!

I don't know what possessed me but I ran across the room, launched myself at him and tackled him to the ground, knocking the wind out of us both as we fell. "Oh, NO you don't!" I yelled. Thankfully our parents leave for work before we leave for school, so they weren't around to witness this. "You are NOT running out on me."

"Would you rather I stay and risk doing something we'd both regret?" He glared.

"Oh puleeze! I would much rather you stay even if it means having you throw yourself at me than I would have you walk out of my life Jonathan, don't you get it? You mean everything to me! Everything! Okay? So please, don't leave me! Don't ever leave me!" I cried, sobbing into his chest while he held me in his arms.

"I am so sorry that we are even in the position to be having this conversation. It is all, my fault. I wish I could just turn it off but I've tried everything! I've tried ignoring it, I've tried fighting it, I've tried going out with other girls, I've tried writing it down in a journal, I've tried throwing myself into other things, I've tried focusing on school, I've even thought about going to a therapist to find out what's wrong with me and why I can't shake this, so yeah, I've tried everything up to now, including talking to you about it, which I told myself I wasn't going to do because it shouldn't be your problem to worry about, so I'm sorry." He was crying too and just looked so stressed out about it. I knew I had to do something fast, or he was gonna walk out that door and out of my life and there would be nothing that I could do about it.

I placed my hands on the sides of his face and looked into his eyes. We were sitting so close that all I had to do was reach out a tiny bit more. "Have you tried this?" I asked as my mouth closed the distance to his. At first he wouldn't do it, he refused to kiss me. But I was patient and I stroked his hair and held him close and eventually he opened up to me. And it that moment, it didn't matter. It didn't matter what the rest of the world thought and it didn't matter who we were to one another. I was a girl and he was a boy. He needed me and I needed him.

We fit together perfectly from our mouths in that kiss, to our bodies as that kiss became more, to our hearts as we both realized that we were the missing pieces in each other's puzzles. The missing links in each other's chains; you see, he was the one who had been honest with himself from the start. Me? I had never even faced it. Every time I got those wonderful butterflies in my stomach around him or the goose bumps whenever he touched me, the chills when he'd brush my hair out of my face, I told myself it was nothing. Even when he would kiss me goodnight on my forehead or cheek and it took everything I had not to turn my mouth toward him instead, I would tell myself it was no big deal.

Oh, but it wasn't 'nothing', it was very much something. It wasn't 'no big deal' it was maybe, the biggest deal ever. I was his and the way it felt, it was like I was made to be his. I would never look at another boy ever again because they could never be enough for me. They could never be my Jonathan. I know he felt the same. It was perfect, then, and we were perfect together. I will always remember that first day as if it were yesterday. I will always remember when Jonathan and I truly found each other for the first time. I've lived a full life since then, and yet still after all this time, those remain some of my fondest memories.

The shocking bliss of my brother's lips, the wonder of his touch. The pleasure he brought me that could never be surpassed, the way he could make my body shiver all over and make my toes curl. I loved every moment of that period of discovery. Every first we shared. I think about it all the time. I think about him all the time. He's still the first thing I think about every morning and the last thing I think about every night. And you might think that's unhealthy but we don't. It feels right for us. It feels perfect. [Oh, uh hang on, I'm being paged, just a sec!]

"Are you coming to bed Honey? My feet are cold and I'm lonely without you."

[He's so cute when he's pouting.]

"I'll just be a minute. I'm telling our story, Baby."

"Oh okay. Did you write about how beautiful you looked walking down the aisle to meet me?"

[Just ignore him. He's telling the parts you aren't supposed to know about. ;-) ]

"Nope, and I also didn't tell them about the two beautiful, perfectly normal children asleep in the next room either Jon! This was supposed to be the story of our beginning, not everything that's happened since, or I'll never get to bed!"

"Well, we can't have that, can we? Tell your computer goodnight Clary."

[I guess I'm signing off now. Sorry folks. Anyway, I may have more tales to tell another time, right now, my man needs me.]

"You need to stop typing now Babe or I'm going to unplug this machine."

[Okay, Clary out peeps!]

END