Sitting straight up in the parlor chair, a girl in the pretty blue flowered dress slowly raised her teacup once again to her lips. Though she wasn't really thirsty; she kept drinking out of boredom and as an excuse to keep as silent as she wished. The new society club meetings were not as exciting as her mother claimed them to be; yet the young woman was dragged to them week after week. As the other ladies around the room continued to buzz about the latest gossip, she allowed her mind to wander, and to remember another world. A world where she could be brave and independent; where she was respected not only for her skill with a bow, but also for her gentle heart. And at the center of this world was a tall King with tan skin and a thick accent, one she couldn't help but feel a shiver every time its sweet tones reached her ears.
"Susan?"
She quickly snapped her head in the direction of her mother, realizing her name had been called. "I'm sorry, what were you saying Mother?"
Helen Pevensie rolled her eyes at her daughter's lack of attention then quickly turned to the other ladies with a polite smile. "Mrs. Lawrence was asking how your luncheon with that naval officer went last week?"
Susan sighed softly, but then quickly covered it with a pleasant smile, though it didn't bring back the sparkle to her eyes that use to be there. "It was lovely," she admitted. "Captain Daniels is quite the gentleman."
This comment sent the nearby ladies into their own conversation on the many attributes of the Captain, allowing Susan to once again revert to her own thoughts. As she heard comments about his sandy blonde hair and green eyes, she found her mind comparing them to the much more handsome dark locks and deep brown eyes of her own knight in shining armor. She felt that familiar warmth begin to fill her heart before it suddenly flashed cold at the comment she heard leaving her mother's lips.
"Oh yes, we expect a proposal very soon. He and Susan will make quite the match."
Susan was only partially aware of the china slipping from her hands and falling to the ground as her mind was screaming in protest. "Marry? Daniel? No, you could only ever marry one man!" Realizing how ridiculous her thoughts were, she counteracted, "Don't be silly! He's a whole world away; he may not even be alive anymore."
It had been almost eighteen months since she had her siblings had left Narnia for the second time, this time with the instructions that she and Peter would never return. The time before that, when a year had passed here, it had been almost 1300 years in Narnia. Yes, it only seemed logical that Caspian had already lived out the duration of his life.
"Are you alright my dear?" she heard Mrs. Lawrence ask.
"My apologies, but I've had a rather sudden migraine come on." Standing and looking to her mother with an apology in her eyes she stated, "I think it would be best if I just went home to lie down."
"Of course dear," Helen said standing. "I'll go and fetch our coats."
"Oh no, mother," Susan insisted. "I can manage on my own. I know how much you enjoy these meetings."
"Very well, if you're sure," her mother said, though Susan could tell she was quite pleased at the suggestion.
"I am." Once she had grabbed her jacket, she turned back to their host, "And I'm terribly sorry about the cup, Mrs. Lawrence."
"Don't you worry about it dear," the old lady smiled kindly. "You just go home and get better and we'll see you at next week's meeting."
Susan nodded her thanks then turned and went out the door. As she continued to walk down the sidewalk in the small afternoon crowd, she pulled her jacket closer to her body. Though there was only a slight chill from the damp spring rain, her heart felt much colder. The happiness and warmth that radiated from her in the years previous had not been present since her return. Not long after the last school year had ended, her parents had dragged her and Peter over to America, leaving Lucy and Edmund to stay with their aunt, uncle, and quite annoying cousin, Eustace. They wrote as much as possible, in fact she had just sent them a note this morning, but it didn't quite seem to make up for the great distance between them.
Feeling a tear form in her eye, Susan sighed heavily, wondering if they would ever really be united again. Mother and Father continued to postpone bringing the younger siblings over and she hardly ever saw Peter anymore. Between her mother trying to introduce her into society to marry her off and all the time her elder brother spend traveling with the professor, they had barely spent a full week together since their arrival in America.
The noise and bustle around her faded, she let her eyes stare down at her feet while her mind once again began to wander to the world that had occupied her thoughts during the afternoon tea. For it was there that the four Pevensie children had truly become united as a family. Both times now, being the logical one, Susan had tried to banish thoughts of Narnia forever and focus on the world she did live in upon returning to it. Yet, her attempts seemed to be in vain.
However, this time was different from the first. The immediate change from the adults they had been in the Golden age, to children again has surely been a difficult transition. But they had each other, and for the most part were able to be themselves once again. Since their most recent visit, her siblings had found themselves again, but Susan was no longer the same. The changes had started their first week back at school
"Susan?"
The young woman turned from her dorm bed to see Lucy peeking through the opening. They were currently on the their lunch break, but rather than joining the other girls in the cafeteria, Susan had returned to her dorm to close her eyes for a moment. However, the moment her head hit the pillow, the tears came, just as they had every night since the Pevensie children had returned from Narnia.
"Hannah said you were up her," Lucy continued as she moved cautiously into the room and sat on the side of the bed. "I'm worried about you, Su."
That statement caught her attention. Her mind switched from focusing on her own personal pain to trying to reassure Lucy. Quickly brushing away her tears she sat up to face her sister.
"I'm alright Lu," she promised, though they both noticed how empty her words sounded. "Just feeling overwhelmed with the new term."
"It's because of HIM, isn't it?" Lucy asked warily. "You miss him?"
Sighing in defeat, all Susan could manage was quick nod of confirmation before the burning sensation returned to her eyes. In a matter of seconds, the usual, strong, confident girl was folded over in her little sibling's arms, crying heavy, yet silent, tears.
After opening up to Lucy, it became easier and easier for Susan to shut herself away from the world. Soon her depression alienated her from her small group of friends, and then it began affecting her classes. Concerned about their previous top student, teachers were soon sending letters to home. Unable to come herself, Mrs. Pevensie arranged for Peter to be granted permission to come and meet with his troubled sister.
Susan was quite surprised when the day came and she was pulled from History class and sent to the Head Mistress' office. It only increased when she entered and saw Peter seated in one of the chairs. Head Mistress Henson only stayed long enough to inform them they had the room for an hour before slipping out.
Peter didn't let the silence linger long before addressing her.
"What's gotten into you Su? I know we all miss it, but I figured out of the four of us, you would bounce back the fastest. You did the first time around," he stated with a worried gaze.
"Circumstances were different this time around!" Susan insisted. "I wouldn't expect you to understand Peter."
"Try me! Tell me what you are feeling so I can try to help," Peter pleaded. "If this has to do with Caspian, then pleas-"
He was cut off as he noticed the tears promptly begin to fill her large blue eyes at just the mention of his name. Big brother instincts kicked in and he was at her side in an instant, wrapping his arms around her.
"You can't go on like this, Su," Peter sighed as she began to get control of her emotions again. "You've got to find a way to move on. You two didn't even really know each other."
"Don't you think I know that?" Susan shouted as she stepped away from his embrace and began pacing the room. "I'm the logical one, Peter. My head keeps telling me that it is impossible for me to feel this way, but I can't stop it."
Fresh angry tears began pouring down her face. "I'm completely torn. Yet I can't fight this strong feeling that I'm missed out on a better future for myself. That HE is the one I was supposed to spend it with."
Beginning to feel the exhaustion take hold, Susan collapsed back into her chair, head in her hands. After a moment, Peter rested his hand on her shoulder.
"You've got to fight through it, Su. I don't know how, but you've got to find a way."
From that day on, Susan did her best to seem like her old self, but the act never completely convinced her siblings. She continued her schoolwork, though with much less enthusiasm than previous years. After an apology, her friends welcomed her back, but she found them more tedious in ways she hadn't before. Finally graduation came, and she played the part of obedient daughter as their parents took them to America and again as her mother started the hunt for her future husband. She would smile at events, and act as cordial as she could, but it was never genuine.
And every night, when she could finally be alone and ponder on the wonderful "what ifs" and "what might have been", all the repressed emotions of anger, despair, and lost love would come flowing out as she cried herself to sleep.
It seemed no matter how hard she tried; she would never completely be able to get Narnia out of her heart.
A pair of strong, majestic eyes watched the activities occurring in a small American town this same day. Though it was still the beginning of spring, the market street was full of vendors unloading the few supplies from the late harvests, intending for them to be sold to the workers on their way home from another long day.
The focus of the two eyes was drawn in particular to a beautiful young woman walking alone with her gaze fixed on the ground, unaware of her surroundings. As she came to the next corner, rather than looking up for oncoming traffic, she continued on her way without a pause in her step. At the same moment, one of the delivery trucks had just finished a drop off and was currently backing up from a side alley. The steel end of the truck ran into the girl straight on and her form crumbled to the ground. While a crowd gathered and help was sent for, blood continued to spill from her body at an alarming pace.
Tears formed in the eyes as they watched the Gentle Queen's life continue to bleed out of her. Sighing, the mouth to which it was attached breathed out, "It is time Susan."
Susan let her eyes peek open to glance at her alarm clock for the time. She expected to find herself at home, resting from the "migraine" that had sent her home early from the social, but was surprised to feel the scratch of sand against the exposed skin of her hands and cheek as she turned to her side. Popping her eyes all the way open she glanced around her surroundings. Her room was gone and she found herself staring at the walls of a dark, damp, cave. She lay on the ground near the back wall. Looking towards the entrance, she saw the ocean waves crashing loudly against the shore. The sky was covered in dark clouds that growled out thunder and flashed lightning. Raindrops were being thrown to the earth, causing the sand to turn muddy and scattering it with several puddles.
"Where am I? And how did I get even get here?"she asked herself. She stood up slowly, but was surprised when she felt the wet sand beneath her toes. She looked down to find herself wearing no shoes, and her blue party dress had been replaced with a plain emerald gown with gold embroidery around her waistline and along the slit on the sleeves. It had been one of her favorites for riding or spending a day on the archery field back when she was a Queen. It was fitted and would show off her most recently gained womanly curves, but was at the same time comfortable to move around in with its split sleeves and loose skirt. Around her shoulders was draped a heavy black cloak with green lining on the inside. She felt the large hood hanging down her back, and found that her hair, which had previously been pinned up, was falling in long, loose waves around her shoulders. Moving towards the front of the cave, Susan looked around for anything familiar. Then, as a crack of lightning lit up the sky, she saw, perched on the cliffs, the large, magnificent palace of Cair Paravel.
"No, this is impossible,"she told herself. "Aslan said-"
"Hello Susan."
Susan turned around to find the Great Lion himself standing in the cave.
"Aslan," she said in awe as she threw her arms around his neck.
"Welcome back, Queen Susan," he said with a gentle smile.
"Thank you. But I don't understand. You said I could never come back," Susan expressed her confusion.
"What do you remember before you woke up Susan?" he asked.
"Well," she paused as she tried to think back to before she went to sleep. "I was at that ladies social club with mum. I left early on my own."
"And while you were walking home? Do you remember what happened?" Aslan continued.
Susan focused all her brainpower towards remembering what had happened. Slowly the scene from earlier in the afternoon played before her mind. The truck... the pain... all the blood... she remembered it all.
Gasping in shock, Susan turned toward the Great Lion. "I was in an accident, wasn't I?"
"Yes, Susan," Aslan said sadly. "Unfortunately, help did not arrive soon enough. You are no longer alive in your world."
"But why am I here? Shouldn't I be in heaven or something? Shouldn't I be with you in your country?"
"You now have a choice, my dear. You can, if you wish it, come with me to my country. But there is another path I think you should consider." Aslan paused as he walked towards the mouth of the cave. Susan followed him and her eyes naturally drifted towards Cair Paravel. "Your last visit did not go quite as I had expected. You formed a bond with someone; someone who had to stay and rule Narnia in the stead of you and your siblings."
"Yes, I know," Susan, sighed in sadness.
"I understand, child. You and King Caspian share a bond of love that was not anticipated, but that does not take away from the beauty and truth of it. Just has you have been grieving for him, so has he for you," Aslan explained. "He has nearly finished rebuilding Cair Paravel as a memorial to your family. But in his heart, his saw the decision to construct it as his silent pledge of love for you."
Susan continued to stare at the castle in amazement. "Caspian did all this...for me?"
"Now you must decide. Will you come with me, or do you wish to live out the rest of your life in Narnia? You must understand of course, that your siblings will remain in their world, a world that you may never return to. If you decide to stay in Narnia, it will be your new home."
"It was always my true home," Susan said with a smile.
Aslan answered with his own comforting grin. "Yes, I know. That is partially why I am giving you this choice Susan. You are young, brilliant, and talented. You could do so much more with your life, if you choose to continue living it." Taking a step closer to her, he let out a magical breath the seemed to float around her head. As the magic air settled, she found on her head, her old crown of golden leaves wrapped around her forehead. "Once a King or Queen of Narnia, always a King or Queen of Narnia," Aslan smiled at her.
Susan touched the sign of power on her head, feeling comforted by its familiar placement, but she couldn't hold back the confused sigh that hung on her lips. The choice seemed obvious, but doubts still lingered in her mind. "Must I choose now?"
The Great Lion shook his head. "Of course not," he chuckled. "I know you too well, Susan. You would not make such a large decision without weighing each option thoroughly. I shall give you time to explore your feelings and thoughts. I shall return in three days. You can give me your choice then."
"Thank you, Aslan," she grinned as she wrapped her arms around his neck.
As she released her hold, Aslan nodded in the direction of the palace. "Go, he is waiting for you."
Susan took a few steps out of the cave, feeling the rain begin to sink into her skin. Though the weather made the world seem dark and depressing, Susan couldn't remember being happier. As she gazed back up at the castle, and thought of the King that awaited her there, she felt her nerves set in. "Aslan?" she turned to ask the lion to accompany her. But the Great Lion was gone, and the cave stood empty.
The Gentle Queen turned back towards the beach and began her walk up the cliffs toward the wood surrounding Cair Paravel.
The walk up through the woods had been a challenge through the heavy rain. Though the cloak and its hood, which she had drawn up to cover her head, helped to keep most of her dry, she was without shoes, which caused her to slip around in the mud. Eventually the tree line broke and she found herself facing the ancient walls of her old home. A sense of nostalgia overwhelmed her as she walked over the bridge and into the outer courtyard. It was completely deserted, most likely due to the storm, but from what she could tell, the outside walls seemed to be entirely complete.
Curious as to the progress inside, she quickly wiped her muddy feet in the grass before turning towards the grand entrance. Letting herself in the front doors as quietly as she could, the young queen marveled at the site before her. The whole main entry was done and from what she could see, both the east and north corridors were completed while it looked like the current construction was taking place in the west hall. As her mind continued to buzz with excitement about which room she should search first, she felt a sudden desire to see the old throne room where she and her siblings had held their coronation long ago.
Once the doors had parted before her, she couldn't help but gasp at the sight before her. All the pillars were standing once more, the marble floors gleamed, and the murals on the walls wore fresh coats of paint. She continued to walk towards the end of the hall, her gaze now drawn to the great thrones standing on their platform. Five now stood there, with one placed slightly ahead of the other four. When she drew closer, she saw several items placed on the thrones of old. Going to the boys' first, she found their shields displayed proudly on their seats. Though Edmund's sword was present as well, Peter's was noticeably absent. The thought that Caspian kept it at his side while he ruled greatly pleased her. As she approached the other two thrones, she saw Lucy's dagger and cordial placed upon a cushion on the Valiant Queen's chair. Lastly, she stood in front of her own throne and found all her own gifts from Father Christmas, though her horn was noticeably absent just as before. Moving around to the back of the throne, she picked up the bow from its place draped over the backing of the chair with her quiver of arrows. Holding it firmly in her grasp once more, she felt some of the confidence she once held begin to return.
A flash of lightning brightened the shadows in the room and she turned to see one of the balcony doors open and the figure of a man leaning against the railing, face raised to the sky, as large droplets continued to fall over him. As she gazed at those broad shoulders and long brown hair, she was certain of who it was. Nerves suddenly took hold and she pulled her hood as far down as possible, covering her face from sight. An idea suddenly took hold in her mind and as she set the bow back over the stone chair, she allowed it to make as much noise as possible, so to be heard over the storm outside.
The noise did its job; the man outside jumped and turned his head in surprise at the intrusion on his solitude. Once again assuring that her identity was hidden, Susan squared her shoulders and took a deep breath as the face of King Caspian looked at her and he stormed angrily into the room.
