Author's Note: Anyone else crying last night? That episode pretty much broke me. And now I'm on my computer and- wait, it hates me, too! The screenshot of Julian and Caitlin's kiss that was my screensaver just yesterday has now disappeared. I can't handle this...
So I write.
They had lost Cisco already. His face was red, tears streaming down his cheeks, hands pulling so hard on his hair that Julian thought it might rip.
He couldn't leave her side. He couldn't even breathe, but Caitlin actually wasn't. She was so cold. It hurt him. This was all hurting him, tearing him up from the inside out.
"She's gone." HR whispered, tugging lightly on his shoulder. Cisco let out a sob.
No. No no no no no. Julian pressed the oxygen mast to her face, working on his own now. Press 1, 2, 3. Oxygen. Press 1, 2, 3. Please, Caitlin, please-
The heart monitor beeped. Caitlin inhaled sharply. Cisco collapsed in a chair. Julian felt his knees give out.
He fell to the floor, resting his head against the cool metal of the bed frame. The heart monitor's beeps pounded in his ears. She's alive. She's alive. She's alive.
"She's alive." HR muttered, and he and Cisco quickly got to work fixing everything around her, attaching her to everything they could to keep her heart rate going. Just keep it beating.
Julian realized he was crying. He hadn't even noticed when he started, but now his face was wet. He got shakily to his feet, taking Cisco's chair, burying his face in his hands. He suddenly understood what Barry went through every time he revisited the future; revisited Iris' death. He had to lose the love of his life over and over and over again. Julian couldn't even handle it once.
A hand pressed onto his shoulder. It was Cisco. He was trembling all over, his face almost as pale as Caitlin's had been, just second earlier. Grey. Julian gave him the chair.
Now Caitlin was breathing steadily, her color returning slowly, the warmth in her skin seeping back to normal. Julian wrapped his fingers around her hand- still too cold- but he could touch her pulse point, feel her heart beat when the monitor wasn't enough.
She woke up after about an hour, dazed, and immediately got attacked by her best friend. Cisco hugged her for a minute straight, crying his heart out onto her shoulder. That sent Caitlin off, too, unsure of what was going on, of why everyone was looking at her like that.
Cisco finally let go, and took up hold on her other hand. Caitlin blinked slowly. "What... what happened...?"
No one was able to speak for awhile. HR saved them both from answering. "You, um, you just died." He muttered, joy gone from his face, posture slouched.
Caitlin's eyes went huge, and the heart monitor's beeping sped up. Julian reached over and touched her face. "Hey." He whispered, his voice hoarse. "It's ok, mate. You're fine, now." I hope.
She sniffled, letting go of Julian's hands to wipe her eyes. "I'm sorry-"
"No." Cisco was on his feet now. "No, you don't have to apologize ever. This was my fault, I should have taken you to a doctor, no matter what the consequences." He looked angry, but Julian knew it wasn't at Caitlin. He hated himself, right now. "This never would have happened-"
"You're not the one you did the surgery." Julian reminded him. He felt kind of... empty inside, and he knew that he would never never never get Caitlin's lifeless body out of his head. "I should have been more careful. It's my-"
"Enough." Caitlin commanded. Even just come back from the dead, she controlled the people in the room with a single word, bringing all of the self-pity to a dead halt. "Both of you did nothing wrong. If I hear a single word of blame come out of your mouth, I'll- I'll... stand up and walk out of the room."
It was a weak threat, but one that they were both secretly very afraid of. They nodded. "Good." Caitlin said, the fight suddenly leaking out of her. "Remind me, Cisco." She murmured, eyes beginning to close. "Remind me never to die again, ok?"
Cisco let out a choked laugh, tears starting to well up in his eyes again. "Ok Caitlin. I love you."
"Love you too." She patted his arm, eyes flickering open for a second to gaze at Julian's face. "I'm going to be alright." She breathed, gently squeezing his hand. "Ok? I'm going to be ok."
"Yeah." He sat back down, pulling her hand up to his lips. "You just rest, alright?"
She groaned suddenly, and wrinkled her nose. "You guys aren't going to let me leave this bed for a month, are you?"
"Nope." Cisco agreed. "Actually, we probably won't let you out of bed for the next year."
She fell asleep with a smile on her face.
HahayouthoughtitwasdonebutthisismytherapysessionsoNOPE!Justalinebreaker.
They actually let her out of be after 2 weeks, and it was mostly because they really did need her help. She got back into the flow of things just fine, with everything except Julian.
He was removed from her. They only saw each other at STAR Labs, and every time she would attempt to start up a conversation he would find an excuse to get out of the room.
The nightmares were tearing him apart. He saw her pale, cold face, Cisco's broken one, HR's tearstained one, felt his own numb insides in his mind every night- time again and again and again. He could barely look at Caitlin's lab, much less go inside and see the white, now clean sheets of the bed she had died on.
Her being up and about didn't change anything. It reassured him during the day just to be able to keep and eye on her, to watch her bustling around the Cortex with a smile on her face. Cisco wouldn't leave her side. He gave her a hug goodbye every time he left for the day, and he made her promise to text him when she got home every night. Julian could see it was driving her crazy to be so fondled over. She never liked being treated like she was made of glass. The thing was, now they all thought that she was.
She got him cornered, 19 days after she flat lined. He had been keeping track in 'She's lived another day's. It was the only thing keeping him sane.
"Julian!" Caitlin cried, storming up to his side, soon after everyone had filed out of the Cortex to do this and that. "Julian, please don't walk away. I can't take this anymore!"
"You can't take it?!" Julian yelled, grabbing hold of her shoulders. "You can't take it?! What do you think it was like, seeing you dead. Knowing that you might not ever wake up. At least Barry is prepared for Iris' death. He knows when it's going to happen. I could walk into the Cortex any day of the week, and you could have relapsed. There could be nothing I could do to save you."
"How do you think it feels to live that?" Caitlin had tears on her cheeks. He hated himself for hurting her, but he needed to get this out. Out. Out. "To wake up and have someone tell you that you had just died. To know that it could happen again? I'm scared to go to sleep, Julian. I know that it is a possibility that I might never wake up again-"
He crashed his mouth on top of her, hard and passionate, and they finally both fell silent. She threaded her fingers through his hair, desperate to get closer to him.
Julian pulled away, breathing heavily. "I love you." He growled. "Blimey, Caitlin, I love you."
"Then don't push me away." She breathed, quieter, calmer, after the release of three weeks worth of tension. "Julian, I can't stand it when you push me away."
"I won't." He pressed his forehead against her own, taking both her hands, breathing deeply. "I'm sorry. I won't."
Eventually, Cisco let her go home without checking in on him. Eventually, Caitlin could go to sleep without worrying that she would never wake up again. Eventually, Julian's nightmares stopped.
It certainly didn't hurt that they all had each other, though, even as they recovered. But hey, as Cisco always said, "That's what friends are for."
Author's Note: You can tell that I really really really need to write a fix-it for something when I sit down at 8:30 in the morning and don't stop writing until I finish the story, regardless of how busy my Wednesdays are.
Hey, you want to do something for me? Please- if you write Snowbert- write me a fix-it. It's all good and nice to write them yourselves, but when it comes to really being satisfied, sometimes you need other to do the work for you. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
Also, if you have suggestions/requests for future fix-its for that end scene, I'm really open to whatever. Well... mostly whatever.
